Existing in love #66

Human nature is most strange, especially when it comes to love.

 I read somewhere once, that has stayed in my head,--well the major important  points anyway. It is my translation of it-can`t even remember its origin--where it comes from, or who wrote it, but it did have a profound impression on me.

To love another as a person we must begin by granting them their own autonomy, freedom and identity as a person in every way. Allowing them to be themselves, not what we desire them to be but whom they chose to be in every way. However if we agree disingenuously with each word they say, every action they take or beliefs that they may hold is contrary to love. This is action is born out of fear for them leaving us, deep fear of abandonment, thus we become  prisoners of love. This is a form of slavery for both the lover and the loved--for it is completely insincere and dishonest.

 We should love them for what they are unto themselves, not what they are to us-- for their own good, not for our good, for their own beliefs not for our own. If we really love them, our love should transform us into the other person--seeing what they see, feel what they feel, experience the realities of their life as they do with all sincerity as if it was our very own. We should not want the person to change--but we have to be able to transform ourselves into them entirely,-encompass all that they are, but remaining true to ourselves,-true to our own life at the same time in all its completeness. This is what existing in love is.

Two becoming one, yet-being more than the sum of the two. Sort of having one wing when we are alone, just hopping around on the ground and in the presence of love, one suddenly has two wings and thus is able to fly, to soar to incredible heights.

Such transformation demands sacrifice,--of  acceptance, of surrender, of selflessness, of understanding and of letting go of ego--for without them genuine love is impossible.








 

Spaced out mystery-bizarre #65

This happened August 7/13-I posted it here then I took it off and posted it in the other section, but I think it needs to be here. A I sort of touched on it in my letter of yesterday, and this sensation is still happening, though not as strongly as on that day. It comes in some milder form. In truth I have no idea what happened then, and other times.

A most Bizarre Day:

Some days one wants to say so much that nothing comes out--this is one of those days. It has been the most strange and weird day in my entire life. Like what Alice felt as she stepped though the looking glass. I was totally spaced out, like I was elsewhere--still has that feel . No drugs or alcohol, I had none- that created this-started this morning, I just couldn`t think straight at all--couldn`t remember anything--I was almost disassociated from my self. Maybe it is chanting the "Maha Mantra" that has done this, so I think I shall slow down a bit. I can`t think what else it could be--but everything seems to be distant, like it is happening to someone else. Yesterday seems like years ago, this morning months ago--and even now I can`t remember much. Awfully weird--frightening I have never experienced this ever before. Time feels strange--and distant. That what it  feels like-- very bizarre. I am still in that zone-it is eerie. It is not a great feeling at all.

I can`t remember this morning--or very little of today in fact. Like I can`t  think straight--I am wondering if I shall dream anything tonight . Generally my dreams are very odd often--non--connected and very short ---and I cant remember them either.

Come to think of it, I feel I am in this trance, probably I am--this is not good when one is alone, I don`t think that I shall carry on tonight. I think that is why they say--you have to go slow. I really think that the mantra has everything to do with it.  I  feel like am totally drunk at this point, I swear I haven`t had anything to drink-I am too frightened to do so at this point anyway--It is now 12.20am--.This has had to be the strangest day in my life regarding this experience.

Now--the point is what do I do next? Everything feels distorted and far away. Maybe this is just a new experience for me--though I have tried to deep mediate, soul-travel and do self hypnosis--it never really worked, or very little. I was always present and conscious--now I seem to be elsewhere. Really the way it feels that I am totally disassociated. Like I look at my hands and they are not mine--I shan`t look in the mirror at this point....for it may be a stranger staring back at me. 

I can`t remember anything --I can`t even remember posting anything, I faintly remember writing to you--nothing else. All foreign and very distant--I am a bit scared. This is just the opposite as what I wanted to experience--I wanted to experience more of the "now" that Tolle is always talking about, this is more of being away.

A few days ago--I was in this "contemplative" phase, not I am out there and it is very unique. I remember feeling like this once--when years ago I tried LSD--that too frightened me. Maybe it was because Leary always said you have to be guided through the experience--otherwise you will have a bad trip. Well--at the time it wasn`t great as it frightened me a bit--as this is now. Especially that I am alone here by myself.

What do I feel right now--an awful sadness, my heart and eyes are filled with tears--.Why? I have no idea. For what I have no idea either--maybe just at life. maybe this is a bad trip--and I shouldn`t have embarked on it alone. I think--you wrote a card yesterday. I can`t remember what you said--I know it was something nice. Now every part of me seems to be pulsing--I really have no idea where all this is leading, if anywhere. I wanted to take a pill to sleep a while back, but I don`t think I should for maybe that will make things worse.

I feel all lost floating out there in space--maybe I should listen to some Leonard Cohen--he always makes me feel good, but even my head is spinning at the moment. Thoughts all scrambled--in a blender of sorts. I would like to hear something, see something but all I get is a big muddle and a whole lot of noise. Nothing is clear nothing is in focus and nothing makes sense--especially time right now. Like the song--"Far from me"--from  the album "brothers in arms" of Dire Straits. This what is called as being "spaced out". My fingers are throbbing and my whole system is buzzing as if filled with electricity--probably is.

Come to think of it maybe it wasn`t the mantra, but the fume of the bleach I used today to clean this morning--it was very strong--that is probably what is doing this to my brain. Because--straight after is when I started going downhill--or up hill--depends where you are looking at this aspect from. Yeah--probably, well that what sniffing glue does--dosn`t it? I have never done that--but maybe  that is what they call "high" --maybe I am flying high--or low on bleach--not on the "Maha Mantra". Now--this is real funny--actually I am laughing silly here. Actually my hands still smell of bleach--and I have some in a bucket still in the kitchen. I think I feel better now, that it is not some supernatural event taking hold of me but chloride fumes.

Now I know what they mean about talking things through--even if I am talking to myself--and that is the first sign of madness--probably that is how it started with Vincent initially-- :-)

I am also starving here right now --I have to find something to eat this very moment. Not much in the fridge--maybe something. It is after 1am now--but my head should be clearing, I shall empty the bucket in the kitchen as probably it is still fuelling my brain full of toxins. Mind you--I do like the smell--so does Felix, he goes mad for it. He gets spaced out from it totally. That should have keyed me in-...what an idiot I am. Okay--mystery solved. I feel so very much better now. Now I go, eat relax and be merry.

As Mr.Spock always says:" All is very logical"--we only create mysteries. There is none.

The flight of thoughts #64

Funny how one`s mind works. At times stuff is all there, and then a moment and-----poof gone. I had all these things planned in my head of things I wanted to say this morning but I spent much time in updating our "card entries"--wow, we have almost 300 since our new life together. True, most are from me, but you have written  many letters I have archived --as well as mine own ones. I do it regularly as it then becomes far too much of a task. Now all thoughts have fled from me, no wonder-- thoughts do have wings.

It is really only the words that remain--so I treasure all of ours in an almost "sacred" way--I consider them to be  the expression of our actual inner life. We are the only ones that know about it--it is really a secret life that we are living, an actual other world.

Only the words remain. Of All else dissipates and disappears into the fog of the past. There is no future either--I rarely make any plans, all we have is the moment of "now" and the "past memories"--be that good or bad.  Our lives are like a tapestry of words said to each other--I make no distinction between the spoken or written words. To me they are exactly the same in our hearts and minds. The mind cannot distinguish between the actual experience in the physical, to experiences in the mental sphere--so it interprets it all in the same way.

Frequently I re-visit our writings--even my own to remind myself of my own feelings--as it is often forgotten. They revitalise my soul in so many ways--I am then also reminded of what is really of importance in our brief life---what is transient and what is permanent.

To be continued later............

Tonight I got a letter from you-on my one computer it was in "computer script for some reason " but  on my lap top I could read it . It was very poetic, however made not much sense-at this time--actually often you make no sense, I have no idea what you are actually saying. But maybe I shall contemplate over it, and I shall see and feel you.--Then you wrote back--with not much explanation, but I do have an idea as to why.

I have always liked Wordsworth in school, though I do  adored Blake--but I saw the movie tonight, and it reminded me of my own youth, of poems I loved. This one was special--thought it was also in the film. However --this is from my own recollections of my heart.

INTIMATIONS OF IMMORTALITY FROM RECOLLECTIONS OF EARLY CHILDHOOD

/William Wordsworth 1880

Verse #10
Then sing, ye Birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
              And let the young Lambs bound
              As to the tabor's sound!
          We in thought will join your throng,
              Ye that pipe and ye that play,
              Ye that through your hearts to-day
              Feel the gladness of the May!

          What though the radiance which was once so bright
          Be now for ever taken from my sight,
              Though nothing can bring back the hour
          Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
              We will grieve not, rather find
              Strength in what remains behind;
              In the primal sympathy
              Which having been must ever be;
              In the soothing thoughts that spring
              Out of human suffering;
              In the faith that looks through death,
          In years that bring the philosophic mind.

Yes--it all passes only the memories remain in our heart--of people ,times, places and things--nothing else.

Braveheart #63

I really would like to say something very profound and powerful when it comes to us at this point in time, but I am at a loss and utterly lost. As I said in a prior entry--not one cell of our being is the same, nor present  as when we actually read the first words of each other seven years ago. Meaning--every single cell has changed in our bodies, not one is present from that time. Imagine? In a way be have been born anew.

Are we still the same thought? Yes--and we have become far more--have grown in many ways. I am, I also would think and hope that you also feel the same way. What a ride we have had, rather remarkable --up, down, forwards, backwards. Touching on 5-D skipping 4-D.  For a moment back there I thought I had lost you forever, those were dark, sad days indeed for me. Though I did realize that once we have loved truly, it cannot be lost. All whom we love become part of us, this thought was of solace for me. I thought if not in this life, but we shall meet once more in the next.

But fate intervened--or rather "serendipity" did, or to be more honest--God did.  Deep down I always knew---all would be well. For some weird reason I knew that we shall not be separated now,--here in this life,  as we follow our own wandering star.  I never stopped praying for us as I still do, however I never prayed for you to come back, only thanked Our Lady for bringing you into my life--I left the future  in Her hands. I would accept Her will whatever that may have been or shall be.

Now--what would I like to document regarding our time together or rather --"cybertime" that is, or maybe a better term would be our "digital self". But it sure seems very real to me--how about you?  What comes to mind mostly for you? I remember perhaps the thousands of pages of writ--words of every description and every emotion. Yes, and hundreds of cards,-- all beautiful special from the heart-- filled with words of love, of admiration and passion. It is all rather absurd, rather funny in a way, but true nonetheless--isn`t it?  My mind is filled with your magic. You see no matter what happened, were I mad, angry or hurt  --it always comes back to those words of love, which makes all the bad fade and disappear. And my heart just melts.

What does it all mean in the scheme of things? I think it really demonstrates the very real facts--that we  really do love each other under the most strangest of circumstance that life can offer, --that it actually offered us a special gift that very few experience. But why this way? Perhaps in this venue there are less constrictions, less limitations that would bind us--so there is absolutely more freedom and less physical baggage. In a way --just ways of the heart with no physical boundaries, this way it is so much more safe, deeper emotionally and far more  expansive.  Freedom of the heart--giving us a more "braveheart" in a way to explore our spirit.

You see it all comes back to one thing which I would like you to know--namely-that I could never imagine my life without you--ever. Or a day without you within my thoughts--how could I not, my other self. You are like breathing to me ever present, ever needed and always loved.

Who knows? #62

Want nothing

Need nothing

Ask nothing.
Thank all to my--
MY GOD. 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Ode to a watch #61

How strange--eerie! This is you--exactly, my darling watch!--my one and only. Now "everybody knows--everybody knows"--like Leonard says. Even the scratches are the same on your  glass.  No you`re nothing fancy, but a most special little thing you are, ever.

Yeah--crazy-"ode to a watch"--but then nothing has ever touched you?  Has it?  It could be a watch, a dog or a person--whatever , whomever it is a special moment. Keep it safe, protect it -for such moments do not occur very often. Make it sacred and  make it holy and filled with God. Be that a simple little watch, for it what it holds that is of importance not what it is. It is not what we are,   whom we are-- but what we hold that is of importance.  It is what it brings out of us, from within our soul.  Blessed be~!

I saw an advert today--"Oliver`s jewellers" wanting to buy of anything of value- Gold, silver and all kinds of well known watches--and he mentioned Baum & Mercier.

I have one--or rather he has me. I wear him on my right hand--generally watches are worn on the left hand, not mine--for I think one should wear the watch that keeps one life in step should be worn on the dominant hand. Thus--right it is for my little watch.

Strange idea came to me when I heard Oliver the jeweller--Keates` -"Ode to an Urn". As a student in school when I had to read it, learn it I "thought how utterly stupid".  Now--these days and as I get older it seems to make more and more sense--and the thoughts behind it. But now, I am  not here to discuss Keats and his philosophy be that urns or life--but my own little watch.

Yes--your heard right-w-a-t-c-h as in a time piece--thus this is "ode to a watch". For this one truly deserves an ode, even more--perhaps a medal of sorts. So let me elaborate further on this subject of "my watch". He is the most remarkable watch in the world--I would wager on it. For something to be so determined, to be so strong one has to have a special heart and a special soul. He has that--especially a very big heart,  as he ticks, ticks and ticks...on and on and on tirelessly.

However I don`t want to discuss anything serious, nothing heavy only light--the story and adventures of my wondrous  little watch--which day and night, night and day sits on my right hand, actually wrist...and keeps going, going and going.

Now this extraordinary time piece says--1.15 am this moment, which is exactly to the second. --Now you may well ask why is this timepiece so special? Well for one--it is a Baume & Mercier, which is one of the most expensive watches in the world, but that is not his importance. Money is not everything at all--at all. Quality is--as well as its importance is the time when I got him. My sister Dolores wasn`t even born yet, man was not on the moon either  and I was only in grade 5. All true--and the more miraculous thing is, that he has never ever stopped for a moment since that time, neither is he losing or gaining a moment.  Now--if this ain`t the Rolls -Royce of watches I have no idea what could be. Also it is rather miraculous if you ask me.

What can I tell you about him?--His body is gold--true, but that is not his value. His history is. His longevity is. His very heart is. He actual travel through life with me is from age 11--and that is some trip I have to say that we have covered.  A few lifetimes for many-only one for me. A happy one at times sad--gaining losing, being present, being absent--living, loving, losing. All in conglomeration, all in a mix and all in life. And he will probably keep going once I have left this earthly realm--I can tell.

This little watch has seen it all--more than even my mother regarding me--for it has seen me in all my glory, all my failures and in all my pain--seen me all true, honest, bleeding and naked. No one has except--this little "ticking  watch" has ever seen me truly, clearly and honestly. He is truly my friend confidant and lover-one that has seen everything with me, been through with me and knows all about me.

So how did this little wonder come into my life?...this is his story.

My father had a friend--he was into all kinds of schemes and things. One day he came and said he has some things to sell--jewellery mostly, and it had amongst it this little watch. He wanted nothing extra  for the watch it came with the rest of the deal. He had won it all in a a game of "beans" from a Greek a few night before. He wanted very little, just a few Rand--and my father bought the  whole "kit & kaboodle"--I have no idea how much, but we never really had any money, so it must have been very few Rand indeed.

I was in Std.3--grade 5--Mrs Ross`s class when --I can`t remember why, but I got him. It was for no specific reason, he wasn`t a good looking watch--just a time piece.  To this day--I am sure my father would not have know what a famous make he is. He was just a watch for a kid--a man`s watch. He was automatic--there was no need to ever wind him up, no batteries--all one needed was to wear him. At that time I used to wear him on my left hand , as watches go--then I changed when I was in grade 12 or so.  No--come to think of it-- it was long before that because I played the piano accordion and he was in the way--and my teacher Marie--wore her watch on her right hand--so that was the reason really why he got transferred.

Since I got him he  has not left my hand for even one  night--we have never ever been separate., or spent a night away from each other.  Believe it or not I don`t ever take him of even at night--I swear! The only time he comes off is when I take a bath, then he rest in the bathroom next to the sink or on the night table. yes--he has seen me in  my birthday suit--and he couldn`t care less what I look like. His love is absolutely un-conditional. :-)He simply couldn`t care less whether my legs are shaven my hair is messed up or I have nada make up on--he loves me anyway. Now who on earth would do that? Isn`t that pure, utter love?

And he has never not stopped ticking, and ticking since whenever--not losing even a moment. Maybe he is so faithful because I am so faithful--who knows. We just love each other as real true lovers do. Perhaps that is the secret. Maybe it is this love what is fuelling this desire of his of "ticking". Whatever it is--it is certainly magick.

He`s travelled through many countries with me--all over Europe has seen many up-close-and-personal--Budapest, Vienna,  Paris, Zurich, Madrid, Rome and London. Hung out in Mexico amongst the ruins of Chitzen  Itza. In Buenos Aires Argentina--we shopped till we dropped. In Brazil we cooled ourselves on Ipanema Beach , --seen the center of the world  and a few lamas in Quito. We have seen Carnival, danced and drunk rum like there was no tomorrow in the  in Port of Spain till dawn. Swam and combed the beaches of the Island of Tobago with Melba.  Oliver as he glimpsed "Pigeon Point"  at age 14 exclaimed, "this must be paradise". Now what a wonderful memory is that?

We--even visited and had drinks with the president of Trinidad in his palace. In Bangkok we saw where Anna taught the king, we bought a tiger--and we prayed where the Emerald Buddha keeps court. We swam on Pattaya Beach and fished out on the islands--. In Hong Kong, we got deported for not having the right papers.

Spent weeks in NY City many summers --walked in  Central Park, on Lexington, 5th Avenue. Ah--seen "Oh, Calcutta" on Broadway even and a few more--checked out the desperation of the Bowery as well as Harlem. Played Atlantic City--and picked up shells on the Atlantic Beach.

 Lived in South Africa--seen Natal, Orange Free State and the Cape, Swaziland, Basutoland--in all its glory--the Indian meeting the Atlantic Ocean Witnessed "the most beautiful cape in the whole circumference of the earth" as Sir Francis Drake put it.  And saw the beauty of Namaqualand, and the glory of Howick Falls--we never made it to the Zambezi though and Victoria Falls. next time. :-)Watched many a dawn sitting on the sands of Durban  by "the Marine Parade" while dreaming of the future--Watched Harry at the Lido--he was gay. Who knew what that meant--only just being happy, we thought.. We were. Saw boyfriends come and go--loves lost, hearts broken.

Went on safaris in the Kruger Park many times--slept with the hyenas in Shingwedzi and Skukuza. Lost all our money in Sun City on the roulette wheel--but had great fun. Sunbathed on Durban Beach--won a final place in the beauty contest under "the little top"--later I came in 3rd-well nothing to sneeze at. We did look cute--well were cute!  We played awesome games of tennis--:-)

Won numerous medals for fencing, gold, silver and bronze--have a box filled in the cupboard here. Still have a huge silver trophy on the wall as well--a floating one that I failed to return when we left--bad girl! Though I did win it 3 years running, maybe I did deserve to keep it finally after winning it so many times. It has 3 plaques on it with my name--so there! --We had a good chance at the Olympics didn`t we?-- but we were boycotted. Ah yes--we played piano, the accordion had a shot at the guitar--all those drama, elocution, dancing and singing  lessons. What the hell for?

And Canada--experienced Montreal with its magnificence of St Joseph`s Oratory and the cross--where Leslie, my father and grandfather are buried on Mount Royal.  Love Toronto in its contemporary mode--and our most beautiful north--Algonquin Park and Georgian Bay with its spectacular wilderness.  Have see Niagara Falls and visited the wineries of Ontario wine country--and even Buffalo, which was not that great.
 
We have lived in many cities--Johannesburg, Montreal, Toronto for many years. You have had all kinds of straps --from leather--to plastic--to cotton-- and now metal finally. You loved every moment of your  life--so you have said --and you are extremely happy to be with me, as I am to be with you.

You`re loving, sweet, gentle and understanding--you are never angry argumentative or  jealous. You never fight, hold grudges , never complain or nag, Nor are you ever upset at me. You`re always on time, you`re never late, nor are you early--you love and adore me as I adore you. You`ve been to births, weddings, anniversaries, christenings, graduations as well as --sadly, funerals with me. You have seen all that there is to see in life--the good, the bad as well as the ugly.

Ah--we have seen great movies and extremely bad ones--Heard most  all of Shakespeare as well as seen most operas, plays as well as well as all of  Andrew Lloyd Webber  et al  of the modern stuff. So--we can say you are  a rather sophisticated watch when it comes to culture. Been to church regularly in Johannesburg at  Christ the King--heard the "hallelujah chorus" every Christmas and Easter at the Blessed Trinity  here in Toronto with Fr.Ambrose presiding. Have seen a few priests come and go, to heaven as well as to other parishes--even seen Pope John Paul ll up close and personal. As well as Sr.St Anne, Sr.Annunciation, Sr.Paschal  as well as Mother Columba at the convent--wow. Order of the "Holy Family"--Irish nuns they were.  Fr.Peron, Fr.Barry at St Francis of Assisi. We are here--where are they now?

All those people, dogs, birds coming in and out of our lives--only us two are left. All have "gone home". People  we loved and cherished, all that we held dear--all gone. Only you and me babe--only you and me. All else is gone with the wind. Strange--one can simply put all of one`s life into one entry on one page --in an hour or so. Yet--it has been a lifetime for both of us--How very odd.

I have not had you cleaned or anything done to you in fear that it may damage you--I hope I maybe able to leave you to Adriyanna--for I know she is the only one that will hold you dear. I hope you shall have a longer life that I, and a happy one--in fact I know you will. You are  looking a little older than you did many years ago--a little more tarnished--but you do keep time better than the young ones do. I am so happy, proud and blessed to have you. You has seen everything and then some. You has had an interesting , wonderful life--so you tells me. I know we did! Ah--we remember it all well.

Funny you my sweet thing  seem so alive because you are ticking and ticking--Now, ticking is the secret I suppose to life. May you tick for long! You remind me of so many sweet memories--.

Imagine --have you ever seen or heard anyone living this long as you ever -my little watch? How long is this in watch time, in watch years? :-) Sounds like eternity to me. Well longer than 1964--longer then you darling  O have been living. You weren`t even been born yet when we met--imagine. Where were you then?

You`re still --Going, going, going, going.......out of love for me. You are  one of the only constants in my life--and I can probably count all the constants on one hand.  I thank the Lord for little watches like you!--and Greeks who play "beans"...and meeting you my darling O.

What does it profit? #60

 Life! Well thinking about it amazes me, seeing it amazes me and being within it amazes me even more.

No, I didn`t finish the entries regarding my "fur loves"--especially my cicas`s. So that is where we stand tonight--but some other thoughts were aroused in my mind--namely a show I saw tonight on life. Delving into its secrets, its understanding and interpretation--in truth , we really know nothing.

But--having said that--and seeing the evidence to date I have come to the conclusion that :

WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

No matter how we try and fathom out God, we cannot. It is like having all the pieces of a huge mega puzzle  but not knowing what the picture is at all--neither having the ability to put it together, nor the knowledge of what it could actually be. We are mere ants in an ant hill, where  out there are rocket ships to all parts of the universe. So who are we?

Yes--I acknowledge that we get further and further to the source daily, however--never shall we get to the heart of the matter--for that is impenetrable. Like God is encased in a steel vault--that is forever out of reach. Many think differently, but the truth is --we, man-- dream, but it becomes a nightmare of non-understanding for God is beyond our comprehension. It is  only man`s thought of knowing God that is the "fall"--for we cannot nor ever shall we know God--for thinking that is that is the great "sin'"if there is such a thing. That is the actual  "apple".

So be you or I the greatest of thinkers, of philosophers, of scientists,  --we shall never know the truth nor the answer --for there is none to be had. The secret is that there is no secret--for it is incomprehensible, unfathomable and "all" yet it is "nothing". Everything yet nothing is life--that is the paradox, the answer to the  riddle. No use trying to understand--for there are no questions neither are there answers to be had. It is the "cloud of knowing" as that monk so many hundreds of years ago realized.  It is the "unknowing". Now--he was really up to date.

We the dreamer of dreams--cannot imagine the reality of the dream. Only can dream only the nightmare, for within us we have the inevitable , the indescribable and enigmatic --which is the human soul. Created, fashioned and directed by our creator --the "alpha and omega", the "All"--beyond that we shall never venture-or be able to venture. Thus--we cannot and shall not venture beyond that--neither hear, see or feel it, for we are far below that.

We may imagine however what is --that which mere illusion for the spirit-- we create a mirage, a drug  for  our restless soul to settle down, settle in  into its existence of this "non-understanding". Why?--I would tend to think it is because God is only dreaming--we are mere wisps of His illusion. Do we have actual substance--I don`t think so--perhaps if God will  be enamored with the dream that contains us--then maybe. Perhaps then we shall exist  within Him--be part of Him, incorporated within Him.  Maybe--but only then.

Sure, we have come  a long way from Hippocrates, Galen, Harvey, Crick and all the ones in between-yet we know as much as in the age of the dinosaurs. Nothing more--only we now  have TV, cell phones, computers and can talk on Skype-do all sorts of transplants, understand DNA-know the sequence of the human genome, yet we know nothing of spirit or of soul. Actually--at the time of Plato probably more was known of soul than now.  So have we progressed or regressed? Regressed in the  soul department  and progressed science department.

Now--what does this profit a man?

The truth of the matter is --you have it all wrong, you had it right the first time. You see once one starts to unravel it one gets entangled in the spider`s web. No--answer is not in the experience of life, but in the experience of God. once we get into the life thingy--we forget the God thingy. Now, that is the mortal sin-that is when we bite into that "apple".  There has to be a balance that is the key--we cannot keep the balance either way--it is this way or that. Same with you and I--we are cursed with imbalance. The saints are the one who have "balance". That is being holy. That is living a sanctified life. A blessed existence.  

Darling--we do not have that -we are far too self absorbed all the time--you as well as I as well as 6.999999999999999................billion of humanity. Minus the.000000000000000000001 whom are the so called saints, and I don`t mean in a Christian sense either. One being Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed and a few other unknown figures that were so close to God so as to be merged within him--totally one with Him. Here pronoun  "him" is just a term of grammar!

I am no theologian in any term, however I do know that no one knows anything except what is written in the soul of each of God`s creation.  No one is more blessed--we all are. The secret however we are not ever to understand, or to be revealed. Why would we? How could an ant understand a mission to an other galaxy? We are mere ants--in fact less than an ant--a mere thought of God dreaming.

We are stuff that dreams are made of--Shakespeare was more of a prophet and a seer than Nostradamus . Yes--dreams of God.

Chaka-aka Chakky #59

Yes--my third love. My sweet gentle giant, my night-time companion, friend and confidant.And still there is Chakky`s plant--that he used to love. Still growing, a tree now. The one he loved to be tickled by--gently nuzzling the plant,moving back and forth. I still smile at him. Such a clown.--I shall continue but not tonight--too many memories of loves lost. Later...Chakkykam, later. You are never  ever forgotten.

Your story shall be told I promise-- you too are in my heart, my sweet dog.

Then there was little Dennis #58

Yes--then there is Dennis!--equally loved  through the years. My other sweetheart that walked into the sunset one Victoria day never to return at age 17.  My sweet, sweet Dennis.

Much to be said about this darling--a little later far too late tonight. But this is the face that I fell in love with, these are the very eyes. In a while I shall be back for I do have a beautiful story to tell--all of you.

It shall be soon!.....it is just too hard tonight.  I love you my little one--I love you and always will.

 

Tinike & others whom I loved #57

 
I have always considered myself as a dog person. My first memories as a child was of a Hungarian Puli, beautiful black angel named --Tucsok, Cricket in English. Why or how he disappeared from my life even my mom does not remember. I have only one black and white photo with him, I must have been 4 on the front veranda  of our Attila Utca house. He was beautiful,perfect and I adored him. But I have always adored dogs.

Then there was--Maxi, the Alsatian before we left Hungary --on our escape trip during the revolution-- I cried for him and my special pillow in the little Hungarian village where we slept in on the last night in our country. years --I always dreamt of him bringing  him to South Africa years later. Alas-that never happened.

Then there was Danny--the little mixed Dachshund--we had for years. I forget where he came from or how we got him, but he always escaped when not on a leash after anything that moved--especially motorcycles. He was livid at the noise--he went mad. Often friends would bring him back from miles away--especially a friend of my dad--called Sekany--from the corner of Kotze Street by the OK Bazaar.--He just sat there by the traffic light we were told. Not once, twice--but many times.Why there, I have no idea. One day he ran off- into eternity, leash and all. We never did find him. I was heartbroken. I have two photos of him--one at Hartebeespoort Dam.

Then came --out of the blue--Diana., we found her wandering the streets of Hillbrow--we lived in Rhodes  Court, Dolores was born a year later. She was a gorgeous Pointer loving, black as jet---we only had her for a few short months. Beautiful. She got distemper and died the day we were leaving for our holiday in Durban--It was a sad holiday for me. My parents tried  everything to save her though--my heart was broken  into  thousands of pieces.

Then she entered--the love of my life. Tinike.

 Howling across the street in sorrow one morning  from the  flat--Magdineni, my grand-mother always loved dogs and went to investigate. She found this Airedale tied up who was howling. She let her loose, and brought her "home"--and a "fur  angel" entered my life--with brown eyes that burned into my very soul--my sweet , darling Tinike.  I was 12.

We asked Magdineni, my grandmother what should we call her--she said--"Tinny"--so she became Tinike. My father used to call her "Kutya Ur"--"Sir Dog" though she was a girl he never referred to her as anything else, he too adored her, as everybody did. Not as much as I did though.

We used to play hid-and-seek--my friend with her--my friend Sandra and I. We told her, to wait --not to move--and we would hide in different places,  then we would call her-and she would come looking for us. She had a human soul--she understood anything I said in whatever tone--amazing. I still think of it today.

Ye- this is my girl.

She would get a huge "scissors" hair cut every summer. We had these enormous black handled  pair of scissors we would use--not with shears at all--and she would look like a badly shorn sheep--but was happy and cool. She looked ridiculous.

This is the face that always got my heart me--and I love.

She used to take a dip in the fishpond in the garden on Terrace Road when she was hot in the summer--she would just stand there in the middle--the poor gold fish didn`t know what was happening. There there were the roll ins into --yuk that "smelly dead thing"--we sued to scrub her down with "detol".  She adored to do the "roll".

 Yes--and I adored that wet, black nose--when she snuggled.

Then there were the thunderstorms--she was terrified. She would take off and run to my grandparents  who lived at least 5 miles away-- We would find her there after searching high and low. She would shiver and shake for hours. Magdineni--my grandmother could calm her down.

Then--there was the howling! Whenever we would come home--she would hear the sound of the car engine--my dad`s car--and howls like a hyena. I had to jump out before my dad parked into the garage and run up the stairs to the flat so she would not wake the dead. This happened all the time.

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And she love all foo--especially vegetables--probably the only vegetarian dog in Johannesburg. Well she was no dog--but a person in the image of a dog. No hamburger for her--veggies and all.

 She went everywhere with us--even on holidays to Durban. All of us--Mom, dad, grandmother--baby Dolores on mom`s lap--no baby seats or seats belts then--  and I in the Rambler, later the white Dodge. he even went with us to the Kruger Park:-). We smuggled her into the park.

When Dolores was born--no one told her to be a guard dog. Whenever my mom left her in the pram --in front of the flat--you couldn`t move her from her side. She laid down and kept vigil. No one told her.  Everyone was amazed at her. She watched and watched and guarded her!

 Then I grew up--she was always with me through everything. My friend, love, confidant-always present.Through boyfriends--loves lost, loves found. Family, friend--Nagypapa, Magdineni --Many a  Christmas, birthdays, new years, holidays, graduations, moves, happiness, joy, sadness--. She was always my rock. From before Dolores at age  11- to after Laura- at age 28. Long time to be friends and lovers, especially at that time.
 

Funny for being a South African dog she adored the snow--!

When we were on our honeymoon with Leslie in Bangkok, Thailand--I saw a picture in a window as an advertisement for Kodak--it was a picture of two Airedale puppies--I begged and pleaded with the owner to let us buy it. He sold it to us--I still have it to this day--they are looking at me right now--Isn`t this awesome? After so many years?

We came to Canada in  March 1972, she arrived via Pearson Airport, Montreal--in September 1972, I was  5 months pregnant with Laurissa--and my love had arrived.  She was happy on Mapleridge Drive--then on Addington Street in Montreal.

Yep--this is what she looked after a few dips in the show, She loved it! She became a Canadian very soon.

First winter in Canada.

She had a nice blue sweater with  three red stripes on the neck part, - she wore this  every winter, loved to sleep and rest under the huge maple tree in the back. She lived for 4 years --in Canada, until her lungs gave up. She died under that tree, and is buried there--my sweet Tinike. When I got into labour with Laurissa--Leslie made a remark--saying: "Well at least now she won`t spend so much time with her Tinike"--imagine , being jealous of a dog.

g

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here is my girl, on my bed!

This picture brought back so much love, joy, happiness and enormous sorrow and sadness to my heart. When she died I cut some of her her and placed it into a box--I still have it in my memory box--I came across it a while back. I loved that beautiful soul so very, very much--my sweet Tinike.

I have so many stories about her in my heart--far too many to mention --but I know Tinike knows and above all God knows. I was blessed but a "fur angel"--a gift from God. 

This is the face of my heart-, the one I kissed goodnight every night--the one that kissed me every day, -the one I shall never forget and the one I shall  always love. My sweet Tinike,she was awesome, still is.

Cloud of Unknowing #55

The most important part--I think-worth to post here for myself as a reminder--


 THE THIRD CHAPTER

HOW THE WORK OF THIS BOOK SHALL BE WROUGHT, AND OF THE WORTHINESS OF IT BEFORE ALL OTHER WORKS


LIFT up thine heart unto God with a meek stirring of love; and mean himself and none of his goods. And thereto look that thou loathe to think on aught but himself, so that nought work in thy mind nor in thy will but only himself. And do that in thee is to forget all the creatures that ever God made and the works of them, so that thy thought or thy desire be not directed or stretched to any of them, neither in general nor in special. But let them be, with a seemly recklessness,  and take no heed of them.

This is the work of the soul that most pleaseth God. All saints and angels have joy of. This work and hasten them to help it with all their might. All fiends be mad when thou dost thus, and try for to defeat it in all that they can. All men living on earth be wonderfully helped by this work, thou knowest not how . Yea, the souls in purgatory are eased of their pains by virtue of this work. Thou thyself art cleansed and made virtuous by no work so much. And yet it is the lightest work of all, when a soul is helped with grace in sensible list; and soonest done. But else it is hard and wonderful for thee to do.

Cease not, therefore, but travail therein till thou feel list. For at the first time when thou dost it, thou findest but a darkness, and as it were a cloud of unknowing, thou knowest not what, saving that thou feelest in thy will a naked intent unto God. This darkness and this cloud, howsoever thou dost, is betwixt thee and thy God, and hindereth thee, so that thou mayest neither see him clearly by light of understanding in thy reason, nor feel him in sweetness of love in thine affection. And therefore shape thee to bide in this darkness as long as thou mayest, evermore crying after him whom thou lovest. For if ever thou shalt see him or feel him, as it may be here, it must always be in this cloud and in this darkness. And if thou wilt busily travail as I bid thee, I trust in his mercy that thou shalt come thereto.

Wondering #54

At certain times I become very --let`s say pensive about humanity, about us as human beings. I  think it is a trait of man-all the little that I have read about the great as well as the not so great people--though we are all the same--they all  in life have always had to wrestle with the exact same questions.  Why?--and What is it for?

Often I can justify it, and most often I cannot--especially when I am in this mode of wondering. Most times it makes sense, at times, like now not at all. Maybe it depends on the weather, or the barometric pressure or which side one gets out of bed. But--whatever the reason it is never the same from day to day.  Not just for me--for all of humanity.

Mostly--as I said yesterday, I love my life, but even then it is rather questionable. I think I would make a wonderful  hermit--well I have doubts if there are women hermits--but being totally alone and secluded sounds very enticing. Maybe "cloistered" is the word--however, not having a "mother superior" above me, for she would aggravate the hell out of me--but just being totally alone. Would it drive me insane?--No, I don`t think so as I do love my own company--always did. I am not really a people person, though I do radiate that I am. An utter misconception.

I was on a retreat in my school days but once, we were there for 5 days--I adored the experience--so often I think and long for those few days. They were Franciscans--that is where I learnt the prayer of Francis--since then I have been saying it every night. How old was I-- 15. I remember every moment with such intense love and pleasure. The peace, solitude the tranquillity, the quietness--the dawn Mass,  the sound of silence, I still hear the humming of the bees in the garden, the flowers and the closeness to God. Strange--so many decades have passed and it still lives so strongly within my heart.

These days--maybe as I said in an other entry, it is a sign of getting old--but I seem to revisit the places, times and events that had an impact on me, that touched my heart--I wish I were a poet, or a writer--I could express all in a more beautiful way.

Nostalgia is not that great--I wish I could be like one of those people who just live from day to day--and leave the past immediately behind. How nice that sounds. No re-visiting  that stirs the heart, no remembering that  inflames the spirit and no thoughts that pain the soul. To have a stone where one `s heart is at times would be  a gift,  at times. Remembering is a blessing and more often a curse--as well as solitude, for it is not always filled with thoughts of God. I am sure for not even the saints--but memories.

But St Francis is always close as he was as when I was a child--the church next to my convent --was the Church of St.Francis if Assisi--where stopped to pray every morning before school, and after school. I would love to stop  in and say hello to God. 

Consistency #53

 

This place always feel like I am coming home to a place where I can relax and I am home. I used to be a member of a group-, well Indigo Adults-and there was a super cool, wise elderly gentleman--blind  who made the place rock. Every night I was looking forward to reading his entries--wise, witty and intelligent. Went on for months-each day I learnt something new to live by--then after a about 2 years or so he started fading out. It saddens me that that at times when we hold people dear, they fade out, leave or just vanish.


He used to welcome everyone to the group by--telling them to come in, hang up their jackets take off their shoes and come and relax by the fire in the big arm chair , have a glass of  a hot cider and discuss whatever they wished. It was very cool--he called himself Conshana--and signed his name "I AM- Conshana"-referring to God within him and him being one with God.

As I said yesterday--we are so inconsistent, we fade in and out--nothing seems to hold our attention for long. I am no different--the only thing constant in my life is God and my family--even some of them have faded away. And--for the past 7 years you darling.  I have had animals for a long time--these ones now--Felix, Alice and now little Chloe the latest,  have been with me since I have been here--before that --Evie was with me over 10 years.

What saddens me which I mentioned--is that so much one gets interested in, involved in and it becomes almost a love --then"poof" one day it is forgotten. I can`t tell you how many things that have faded into the sunset--if it weren`t for the bookmarks--I woudn`t even remember the subject. That is real bad. And to many things I was committed heart and soul to--where are they now? In the mist of "forgetfulness". Many hundreds of titles, subjects and topics. Now--I hardly recognize them--how sad. We are so fickle even regarding ideas, philosophies and beliefs--a Christan one day, then pagan, the Jew, the Hindu- then what is next?--The list seems endless. they all seemed valid at the time--so enticing, so captivating. All the "New age gurus"--and interesting concepts. I am ashamed that I am like this--no structure, holding power nor commitment to anything for long.  I swear--were I to make a list--it would be well over a 800 hundred  in my "bookmarks". From A-Z--about everything! From the weirdest to the most serious--yet I have betrayed all these friends--for they were that. Friends.

Merton had a great  way to at least record his interest--he would mention what he was reading or learning or interested in --in most of his entries. So at least he had a record. I a while back said I would do that--but did I? Of course not--like with everything I promise to do--I fail to keep, mostly regarding myself. Generally I am good with promises to other people--I always keep them--especially people that I care for or love--and others as well I suppose that reflects one`s character, honor and integrity. Many of the "new age gurus" do that--. Maybe the secret is to simply steers one interest towards one thing--and stick with it and not delve into anything else. Like having just one love, being faithful--not many for then all gets watered down and forgotten eventually.

The thing is I love stability, roots and constancy. I hate to move--were it up to me I would have chosen to live and die in the house where I was born--well I was born in a hospital, but I am sure we all know what I mean. I would never have left the country I was born in--neither the city. Something very important not being uprooted--being connected to tradition , to family and to one`s culture. Here in North America everyone is a foreigner--even if one is born here--our home is where our roots lie, where our ancestors lived and died.

For me that is Hungary--though quite a lot is pulling me to  South Africa --where I spent all of my very happy childhood and early adulthood. I get homesick often for the "highveld"--the Jacarandas,  the red soil and the violent electric storms--and the spectacular beauty of the land. The glorious fauna and flora of that magnificent, magical land--The Transvaal--now called "Gauteng"--whatever that means, Orange Free State, Natal, Cape. Sir Francis Drake  called it "the most beautiful cape in the whole circumference of the earth"--he was right.

That is why I wrote "Proteas"--all is exactly documented there--everything the way it was, all is the truth, all is sincere and all a reflection of life then . Every event happened that is recorded there, I tried to be honest, truthful to show what it was like--that was  lived by the fictional characters within the pages.  Even if it is never published,--it is now on paper, recorded. Though  quite a few people are pushing me very hard to publish it, they think it is very good. I think it was it was still worth the time, even if it dosn`t,  as the children will read it, my grandchildren and their children--I know. Adriyanna already has, she loved it. She is a brilliant writer herself--has all kinds of awards to show for her talent, but dosn`t want to make writing a  full time profession. She says--maybe when she has a career  that will sustain her in a comfortable lifestyle, then she will start writing seriously. She is right.

I suppose Oliver is a wonderful mentor for her--and she has that constantly in front of her as to how very exceptionally successful he is. He most certainly listened to me without question at the time when I suggested dentistry when he was 15. he never ever thought about it--as he says, he just took it as gospel that that what he needs to do. Though the thought was mine but the hard work and commitment was his. It wasn`t easy but --it most certainly paid off being the most successful in his profession in Ontario--3 huge clinics and with a staff of over 70 professionals later--he can`t complain. Laurissa didn`t listen, not she told me the other day--she should have and acknowledges that I was right. yes--she used to tell me --it is her life. yes it is all our own lives, however wisdom comes with age. At the time when she rebelled I told her--whatever she does, she is not doing it for me but herself.  Often in our teenage years we think we are doing it for our parents--I always new I wasn`t.

I am proud for what I did--brought up whole family single handed--mother, grandmother 3 kids, 2 dogs and many fish LOL.They all had great life --travelled everywhere--all over England, Europe, many Caribbean islands many times. While my aunt was in NY--we went to New York City every single year--spending money like there was no tomorrow on the latest electronics--computer stuff for the kids and other things. Great shows on Broadway, dinner  at "In  on the Green" in Central Park. --yep I remember well.  They wore the latest fashions, styles. We had beautiful huge house with a great pool, great life- parties, get togethers. Used to eat out every week at some great restaurants. It was a good life they now all do acknowledge. -- Dolores had a huge gorgeous wedding at the "Guild"--and all else, cost me a fortune. The most beautiful dress, the best photographer and the most beautiful place to hold a wedding.  And I never had a credit card as I don`t now LOL.  Hard to believe.

They had everything--and I have no money in the bank either. So what--will I take it with me. No. But that what my aim was--to make life the best that ever could be for them as they were growing up. I did.

If I run out of being able to support myself--Oliver is there. Though he certainly owes me absolutely nothing, but I know he would take care of me. He does much for me now--I have never bought any electronics in my life--cell phone-including the monthly bill, computers, printers, I-pad, TV anything else for that matter.  He just set up a new computer/printer for me 2 weeks ago. I have  3 now. He also takes care of mom entirely --she has everything now. All regarding the huge house she is in. Everything the latest--name it she has it. Including gardener, cleaning lady and everything that is possible--this is the 5th update on her camera-the kids always get them-- and God only knows how many updates on on her computer. She got an I-pad last Christmas that she is in love with LOL.

But I think why Oliver is so successful is because he gives to everybody--not just family. The Philippine housekeeper lives like a queen--she travels with them everywhere, has a gorgeous apartment in the house. Has cell phone, blackberry, computer, and all else--paid for entirely. There is never a tragedy in the world when he dosn`t send money--like earthquakes, tsunami, Africa, India--he keeps 3 kids in Africa. Majula has her own stuff and money--as well as charities. She  made over a
$ 2 million selling her stocks in her company last year as it went public, the one that she started with a few friends 14 years ago--a soft ware company--ELOQ. Her stock was worth  $1.50 a share when she left the company, and in 5 years shot up to over $20 plus--when she sold it last year. Now it merged with Oracle.--Now between them they have their big house--and 11 others rented as investment. Plus Oliver  has the has extra one where mom lives.

 So-they have a wonderful life, and they are very happy with each having their own interests as well. Mom is used to her now, at times still not--but she dosn`t tell her or him, just me. But Manj is an angel--she fails to see that. I drop Mom off, and she  spends all of Thursday at their house. Oliver is off then-they pick up Scarlett from Montessori  --go out or just spend it home. He loves to work in the garden, well it is a huge park over 800 feet terraced going down to a small river "Petticoat Creek" that flows into the Rouge River. The area  around them  2 years ago was deemed "The Rouge Urban National Park"--over 50 sq km the biggest urban park in North America --beautiful. So their house jumped up in price--they bought it for $990,000--a steal at the time,--the owners  were asking $ one and a half million , now it is worth well over  $ two and a half million. Though  he has a gardener and the pool people--but he is always still pottering around.  People are always working on something--now 5 new huge sky lights are being put in and a huge back covered deck is the latest venture. Sundays they come to  mom and go out, or we all do something together--mostly eat LOL. This is the ritual.

Though I do hope I die before I need help in any way  LOL. Laura will be ok--as I do have life insurance--though I won`t see her enjoy it--LOL. I didn`t get anything from Leslie, $600 every few months--if that. True my mom ran the house like clockwork, she had never worked outside the house. She also went to Europe every single year when my grandmother was alive and spent always 2 months in Budapest. She only stopped going regularly  since my grandmother  died, which was 9 years ago now. All the finances were contributed by me. And that was a  hell of lot. How could I even have considered getting married again with all this responsibility?

When my my father died, that very year I separated from Leslie--Dolores was 15, Oliver was 7, Laura was 5--mom was 51, my grandmother was 74. True we got a little money from the Montreal house that was the down payment for the Toronto house--but that was it. I had to carry everything--mortgage and all. My father died without leaving a penny or insurance. So--I had to do what I had to do--and I did it.

But I am mostly now I am happy with my life--money I have just enough from day to day. I am of want for nothing--what more do I want? Lots of time to myself which is a nice bonus.  I love my little old apartment with my fur kids--Oliver is pressing me to move into a condo which he would buy for me--thank you, but no-thank you. I have all I need and want--especially peace, quite and solitude. I am contented mostly--there is the odd day that I am not. I love my work, I see sick people getting better and it makes me feel good. I am grateful for all--and all the people I love and whom love me.

All the kids are happy, well adjusted--Laurissa moved closer to town, to Oshawa into a lovely large house--she has a wonderful man with a great heart and a shining spirit-- in George. What else could a man be but great-- whose second name is Jesus--LOL--he adores her and also loves the kids as well, and all of us. They have a great relationship now together 4 years plus. She met him in her darkest days on line LOL. She likes her work--but she is also mostly always lived for the girls, that is why God now sent her a good man. She deserves it--she has a heart of gold.

I think my life has been a great success--which is different to each and everyone of us. I feel good, I think I have added to the world not taken away. I try to help anyone I can, give away anything they want if they ask--truly anything. All about me--family, loved ones are healthy that is the gift. My mom is painting like a fiend at 88--and is a great success. She has an other show coming up next week--go figure LOL.

I am truly blessed in every way--only person missing is Dolores, but then  it is her choice to be separated from the family--jealousy is an awful thing, sadly. She lives a block from me, but may as well be in Moscow. Sadly lost years can never be found, and life is not infinite. Regrets later are very hard to live with. But--they live for Olivia--all their money goes towards her fancy very expensive Jesuit school and all the other extra curricular activities--camps, travel and all sorts  of lessons. And--everything that can be bought, the latest.

Tiffany is doing great in Chicago--makes us sad that she is not here--but she has a wonderful very posh life --mixing with all the elite. He bought  one of those lovely "old" condos --in a great old building, downtown  on Chestnut St W--close to his work. She wanted that high life of doing nothing--it would not be a chosen life for me. Adam makes a mint as a commodities trader for a large company--and they are forever travelling and living it up. I hope it is what she really wants--for she wasn`t exactly madly in love with him, and in the end that what we remember--not the stuff. If it is together it is great --but just money alone, not really enough for happiness.You can only travel so much and you lose interest--you can only see Kilimanjaro once or book into the "Ice Hotel", after a while it is rather boring--or to shop at "Tiffany`s" all the time --without love it is useless.

Maybe I am just like this in my old age--though I can`t remember thinking differently when I was younger. Guess looking at it all--I seem to be the most unsuccessfully materially in the bunch--yet I am very happy. So....an other one to figure LOL. I don`t have a credit cards, I don`t own a house anymore, I have no money in the bank, I have no great collections of antiques just memories--.

 Yes--we love the land where we were born--but we also love the land where we grew up--the one that is etched into our memories forever. I shall probably carry this entry  on later.....The one accidentally that I erased was regarding my life in Johannesburg.

Time is running out #52

Time to get moving so says the clock--need to leave some serious footprints behind.Need  to make some real serious life changes with the help God, my Blessed Mother, LeLaHel, Xerxes , St Francis, St Jude, Blessed Karoly Wojtila, St Jude, St Francis and a few more blesseds


Some days are more inspired than others. Today is such a day. Not because it is the "Feast of the Transfiguration", but for some reason I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I know, I know--I am no great saint at all. But I am still filled to the brim--yes, glowing, transfigured and radiating all possible light and love. Yeah--and damn cute as well. Today I like myself--some days not as much.

This is not being that really --but it is being filled with life. Thus I decided not to do much--though I did have much on the agenda, though I wasn`t going to see any patients today anyway--but this is now "my day"--of appreciating "all, myself and you darling of course. Bare --"assed" at times--but really "arsed" is the term I was searching for--appreciated in any which way.

Much of this morning was spent in quite contemplation, reading and prayers. Feels good. At times I feel so far from God like he`s trillions of light years away, and at times like now, I am within His very heart. I am grateful for all, I seem to see things in a more clear light when I am like this-- . Plus, I don`t care about much-except to see and value all that there is , appreciate all of creation that is the only thing that matters only really. People, animals and all my plants--all plants, flowers and even the weeds-- that I love.

I am almost a vegetarian--I don`t eat much meat at all--lacto-ovo though. Meat generally only once a week, mostly chicken or fish Some weeks not at all. So --today I have decided to change a few things in my life-True, often I do this and keep to it, commit to it briefly, then I forget. Maybe now, if I write down a few things I will be able to keep to it--with the grace of God.

I have been rather good with a few things the past months--but as Og Mandino says in his great little book "The greatest salesman in the world"--one must do something for 14 days--morning, noon, night and once before bed to make it a habit.  I have quite a few things--especially regarding my internal life.  I feel I have accomplished much this year--more so than any other.

I have to admit and be honest--I have left many things by the wayside, that I shouldn`t have. But there is so much that one often loses track of all the things one comes into contact with, or is interested in. Just slips from the mind--especially many thoughts, ideas and philosophical teachings  that are profound, yet one loses it. 

Often it comes back--when the idea is triggered, but otherwise so much lies dormant that it is shameful. But--being human does that. I have read so much great stuff, learnt so much, heard so much, seen so much and experienced so much--yet it seems to be deposited in some repository somewhere in the recesses of my mind--maybe one day somewhere in time I shall be able to recall it for maybe it is actually present on the hard drive, only filed away. Maybe things we have loved, learnt, liked, are attached to us and are  never ever  get lost--only temporarily forgotten like our previous lives. 

Such were my thoughts today, being in somewhat of a pensive mood regarding life.--and my head is filled with many plans, many things on my "bucket list" that perhaps -God willing I shall be able to achieve and do. Yes--time is winding down for all --for creatures great and small.

Its a gorgeous night--though being in the city--there are a few stars. Weather cool and a gentle breeze is blowing and all cares, stresses seem miles away at this moment. Only peace and serenity seems to be present, though it isn`t really quite as there is still much traffic outside--but it is all winding down. I wish you were here so very much--but you are in my heart.

I made a few commitments in my heart today, rather a long list, quite demanding maybe even unrealistic. But hey reach for the stars and one may get the moon.--Will I be able to keep it--my commitments? I shall surly try. It is the intention that counts always--and that is present a 100%.

I shall definitely report back as to how it goes down--but not even Rome was built in a day. Yes--the list is not here--maybe one day I shall reveal it. It is all good darling--all good.

This year is almost over, --flying by. Last year at this time I thought you would never be back-ever. Never did a day go by when I never thought of you, or prayed for you. And here we are now once more--God gave us one more chance to make a go of it. Are we not so very blessed?  Maybe we are being loved--as we ourselves love.


I have also changed my little Quetzal--avatar . I like her better.

Klaryssa 15th Birthday! #51

My darling Klaryssa, aka Buttercup.....you are 15!


Well as you sort of eluded to as to what a great time you had in Kentucky--That sentiment was repeated in my , or rather our lives.

My darling Klaryssa aka Buttercup has her birthday on the 1/August--so w celebrated her 15th birthday this Sunday. She is beautiful, clever and one of the sweetest soul on this planet. Gentle, sensitive, caring and above all, loving--cares for all and everything. We are so blessed to have her in our family--an earth angel in form. Those gorgeous eyes are just magic and her sweet nature.

It was one of the most beautiful days we have had in a while, We got to their new place about 3pm--they have now finished with the decorating, and it is beautiful . Laurissa and George made a feast to behold--I brought the cake. We feasted like the Romans--and drank like the Greeks.

Adriyanna is home from Oliver,--she moved back home now that they are so close to school.  Her room is great--like a separate apartment--she is very happy to be home. She is almost finished the summer semester at university--she is doing fabulously. She is so smart--good thing that she didn`t go to Europe, now she is at least ahead with her credits.  .In school she won everything that was to be won--she is clever with a great head on her shoulders,  as well as beautiful.

Jullia--well she is just an other angel--she is almost all grown up at 12, I hardly recognize her, each time she is different. She is the one that will break many hearts--I hope though that she will keep up with studies and the boys will not turn her head.

Oliver, Manjula and sweet Scarlett came over  too. An other little angel. I adore her, my prayers are for her well being constantly--I hope she will be alright. She seems to be doing fine for a while now. Wow we have a whole choir of angels we are so very blessed.

We had fun laughed much, talked much and ate even more--even Bruno had a feast from all the remnants of food that mom brought home. He is my mom`s resident house pet, or at times pest--but he is loved anyway. Used to live in the attic, but has been evicted--now  into the trees in the garden after $2,500 of roof repair.  He chewed a big hole in the roof, and other things you do not want to know--the smell was horrific. Yes--and he is still a tenant--see we are a compassionate bunch.

We stayed till very late--.I missed Dolores, Olivia and Ali--and sweet Tiffany--I am sure all did, but nobody  said anything, only our hearts were crying. We were always such a close family that everybody envied us. This is such a sad part of our lives now--life goes by, so fast and all is missed  and can never be ever regained. How very, very sad! For what--? I am sure none of us can now say actually why--for the reason is long forgotten--but what can you do?

My mom had one of the best days of her life  in years. She actually said so. --We were all so  very, very happy!  Carefree and joyous--filled with love. I was happy to see everyone so very happy.  Sweet memories last Sunday--much to remember for many years to come. I am so grateful for this beautiful day --being together in peace and love.Did I think of you--yes I did. I thought how wonderful it would be were you here also darling. True!

Deo Gratias--and to Our Lady for being so very gracious to us for these  precious moments in our lives. Blessed are You forever. My heart is filled with gratefulness.