This happened August 7/13-I posted it here then I took it off and posted it in the other section, but I think it needs to be here. A I sort of touched on it in my letter of yesterday, and this sensation is still happening, though not as strongly as on that day. It comes in some milder form. In truth I have no idea what happened then, and other times.
A most Bizarre Day:
Some days one wants to say so much that nothing comes out--this is one of those days. It has been the most strange and weird day in my entire life. Like what Alice felt as she stepped though the looking glass. I was totally spaced out, like I was elsewhere--still has that feel . No drugs or alcohol, I had none- that created this-started this morning, I just couldn`t think straight at all--couldn`t remember anything--I was almost disassociated from my self. Maybe it is chanting the "Maha Mantra" that has done this, so I think I shall slow down a bit. I can`t think what else it could be--but everything seems to be distant, like it is happening to someone else. Yesterday seems like years ago, this morning months ago--and even now I can`t remember much. Awfully weird--frightening I have never experienced this ever before. Time feels strange--and distant. That what it feels like-- very bizarre. I am still in that zone-it is eerie. It is not a great feeling at all.
I can`t remember this morning--or very little of today in fact. Like I can`t think straight--I am wondering if I shall dream anything tonight . Generally my dreams are very odd often--non--connected and very short ---and I cant remember them either.
Come to think of it, I feel I am in this trance, probably I am--this is not good when one is alone, I don`t think that I shall carry on tonight. I think that is why they say--you have to go slow. I really think that the mantra has everything to do with it. I feel like am totally drunk at this point, I swear I haven`t had anything to drink-I am too frightened to do so at this point anyway--It is now 12.20am--.This has had to be the strangest day in my life regarding this experience.
Now--the point is what do I do next? Everything feels distorted and far away. Maybe this is just a new experience for me--though I have tried to deep mediate, soul-travel and do self hypnosis--it never really worked, or very little. I was always present and conscious--now I seem to be elsewhere. Really the way it feels that I am totally disassociated. Like I look at my hands and they are not mine--I shan`t look in the mirror at this point....for it may be a stranger staring back at me.
I can`t remember anything --I can`t even remember posting anything, I faintly remember writing to you--nothing else. All foreign and very distant--I am a bit scared. This is just the opposite as what I wanted to experience--I wanted to experience more of the "now" that Tolle is always talking about, this is more of being away.
A few days ago--I was in this "contemplative" phase, not I am out there and it is very unique. I remember feeling like this once--when years ago I tried LSD--that too frightened me. Maybe it was because Leary always said you have to be guided through the experience--otherwise you will have a bad trip. Well--at the time it wasn`t great as it frightened me a bit--as this is now. Especially that I am alone here by myself.
What do I feel right now--an awful sadness, my heart and eyes are filled with tears--.Why? I have no idea. For what I have no idea either--maybe just at life. maybe this is a bad trip--and I shouldn`t have embarked on it alone. I think--you wrote a card yesterday. I can`t remember what you said--I know it was something nice. Now every part of me seems to be pulsing--I really have no idea where all this is leading, if anywhere. I wanted to take a pill to sleep a while back, but I don`t think I should for maybe that will make things worse.
I feel all lost floating out there in space--maybe I should listen to some Leonard Cohen--he always makes me feel good, but even my head is spinning at the moment. Thoughts all scrambled--in a blender of sorts. I would like to hear something, see something but all I get is a big muddle and a whole lot of noise. Nothing is clear nothing is in focus and nothing makes sense--especially time right now. Like the song--"Far from me"--from the album "brothers in arms" of Dire Straits. This what is called as being "spaced out". My fingers are throbbing and my whole system is buzzing as if filled with electricity--probably is.
Come to think of it maybe it wasn`t the mantra, but the fume of the bleach I used today to clean this morning--it was very strong--that is probably what is doing this to my brain. Because--straight after is when I started going downhill--or up hill--depends where you are looking at this aspect from. Yeah--probably, well that what sniffing glue does--dosn`t it? I have never done that--but maybe that is what they call "high" --maybe I am flying high--or low on bleach--not on the "Maha Mantra". Now--this is real funny--actually I am laughing silly here. Actually my hands still smell of bleach--and I have some in a bucket still in the kitchen. I think I feel better now, that it is not some supernatural event taking hold of me but chloride fumes.
Now I know what they mean about talking things through--even if I am talking to myself--and that is the first sign of madness--probably that is how it started with Vincent initially-- :-)
I am also starving here right now --I have to find something to eat this very moment. Not much in the fridge--maybe something. It is after 1am now--but my head should be clearing, I shall empty the bucket in the kitchen as probably it is still fuelling my brain full of toxins. Mind you--I do like the smell--so does Felix, he goes mad for it. He gets spaced out from it totally. That should have keyed me in-...what an idiot I am. Okay--mystery solved. I feel so very much better now. Now I go, eat relax and be merry.
As Mr.Spock always says:" All is very logical"--we only create mysteries. There is none.
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