Consistency #53

 

This place always feel like I am coming home to a place where I can relax and I am home. I used to be a member of a group-, well Indigo Adults-and there was a super cool, wise elderly gentleman--blind  who made the place rock. Every night I was looking forward to reading his entries--wise, witty and intelligent. Went on for months-each day I learnt something new to live by--then after a about 2 years or so he started fading out. It saddens me that that at times when we hold people dear, they fade out, leave or just vanish.


He used to welcome everyone to the group by--telling them to come in, hang up their jackets take off their shoes and come and relax by the fire in the big arm chair , have a glass of  a hot cider and discuss whatever they wished. It was very cool--he called himself Conshana--and signed his name "I AM- Conshana"-referring to God within him and him being one with God.

As I said yesterday--we are so inconsistent, we fade in and out--nothing seems to hold our attention for long. I am no different--the only thing constant in my life is God and my family--even some of them have faded away. And--for the past 7 years you darling.  I have had animals for a long time--these ones now--Felix, Alice and now little Chloe the latest,  have been with me since I have been here--before that --Evie was with me over 10 years.

What saddens me which I mentioned--is that so much one gets interested in, involved in and it becomes almost a love --then"poof" one day it is forgotten. I can`t tell you how many things that have faded into the sunset--if it weren`t for the bookmarks--I woudn`t even remember the subject. That is real bad. And to many things I was committed heart and soul to--where are they now? In the mist of "forgetfulness". Many hundreds of titles, subjects and topics. Now--I hardly recognize them--how sad. We are so fickle even regarding ideas, philosophies and beliefs--a Christan one day, then pagan, the Jew, the Hindu- then what is next?--The list seems endless. they all seemed valid at the time--so enticing, so captivating. All the "New age gurus"--and interesting concepts. I am ashamed that I am like this--no structure, holding power nor commitment to anything for long.  I swear--were I to make a list--it would be well over a 800 hundred  in my "bookmarks". From A-Z--about everything! From the weirdest to the most serious--yet I have betrayed all these friends--for they were that. Friends.

Merton had a great  way to at least record his interest--he would mention what he was reading or learning or interested in --in most of his entries. So at least he had a record. I a while back said I would do that--but did I? Of course not--like with everything I promise to do--I fail to keep, mostly regarding myself. Generally I am good with promises to other people--I always keep them--especially people that I care for or love--and others as well I suppose that reflects one`s character, honor and integrity. Many of the "new age gurus" do that--. Maybe the secret is to simply steers one interest towards one thing--and stick with it and not delve into anything else. Like having just one love, being faithful--not many for then all gets watered down and forgotten eventually.

The thing is I love stability, roots and constancy. I hate to move--were it up to me I would have chosen to live and die in the house where I was born--well I was born in a hospital, but I am sure we all know what I mean. I would never have left the country I was born in--neither the city. Something very important not being uprooted--being connected to tradition , to family and to one`s culture. Here in North America everyone is a foreigner--even if one is born here--our home is where our roots lie, where our ancestors lived and died.

For me that is Hungary--though quite a lot is pulling me to  South Africa --where I spent all of my very happy childhood and early adulthood. I get homesick often for the "highveld"--the Jacarandas,  the red soil and the violent electric storms--and the spectacular beauty of the land. The glorious fauna and flora of that magnificent, magical land--The Transvaal--now called "Gauteng"--whatever that means, Orange Free State, Natal, Cape. Sir Francis Drake  called it "the most beautiful cape in the whole circumference of the earth"--he was right.

That is why I wrote "Proteas"--all is exactly documented there--everything the way it was, all is the truth, all is sincere and all a reflection of life then . Every event happened that is recorded there, I tried to be honest, truthful to show what it was like--that was  lived by the fictional characters within the pages.  Even if it is never published,--it is now on paper, recorded. Though  quite a few people are pushing me very hard to publish it, they think it is very good. I think it was it was still worth the time, even if it dosn`t,  as the children will read it, my grandchildren and their children--I know. Adriyanna already has, she loved it. She is a brilliant writer herself--has all kinds of awards to show for her talent, but dosn`t want to make writing a  full time profession. She says--maybe when she has a career  that will sustain her in a comfortable lifestyle, then she will start writing seriously. She is right.

I suppose Oliver is a wonderful mentor for her--and she has that constantly in front of her as to how very exceptionally successful he is. He most certainly listened to me without question at the time when I suggested dentistry when he was 15. he never ever thought about it--as he says, he just took it as gospel that that what he needs to do. Though the thought was mine but the hard work and commitment was his. It wasn`t easy but --it most certainly paid off being the most successful in his profession in Ontario--3 huge clinics and with a staff of over 70 professionals later--he can`t complain. Laurissa didn`t listen, not she told me the other day--she should have and acknowledges that I was right. yes--she used to tell me --it is her life. yes it is all our own lives, however wisdom comes with age. At the time when she rebelled I told her--whatever she does, she is not doing it for me but herself.  Often in our teenage years we think we are doing it for our parents--I always new I wasn`t.

I am proud for what I did--brought up whole family single handed--mother, grandmother 3 kids, 2 dogs and many fish LOL.They all had great life --travelled everywhere--all over England, Europe, many Caribbean islands many times. While my aunt was in NY--we went to New York City every single year--spending money like there was no tomorrow on the latest electronics--computer stuff for the kids and other things. Great shows on Broadway, dinner  at "In  on the Green" in Central Park. --yep I remember well.  They wore the latest fashions, styles. We had beautiful huge house with a great pool, great life- parties, get togethers. Used to eat out every week at some great restaurants. It was a good life they now all do acknowledge. -- Dolores had a huge gorgeous wedding at the "Guild"--and all else, cost me a fortune. The most beautiful dress, the best photographer and the most beautiful place to hold a wedding.  And I never had a credit card as I don`t now LOL.  Hard to believe.

They had everything--and I have no money in the bank either. So what--will I take it with me. No. But that what my aim was--to make life the best that ever could be for them as they were growing up. I did.

If I run out of being able to support myself--Oliver is there. Though he certainly owes me absolutely nothing, but I know he would take care of me. He does much for me now--I have never bought any electronics in my life--cell phone-including the monthly bill, computers, printers, I-pad, TV anything else for that matter.  He just set up a new computer/printer for me 2 weeks ago. I have  3 now. He also takes care of mom entirely --she has everything now. All regarding the huge house she is in. Everything the latest--name it she has it. Including gardener, cleaning lady and everything that is possible--this is the 5th update on her camera-the kids always get them-- and God only knows how many updates on on her computer. She got an I-pad last Christmas that she is in love with LOL.

But I think why Oliver is so successful is because he gives to everybody--not just family. The Philippine housekeeper lives like a queen--she travels with them everywhere, has a gorgeous apartment in the house. Has cell phone, blackberry, computer, and all else--paid for entirely. There is never a tragedy in the world when he dosn`t send money--like earthquakes, tsunami, Africa, India--he keeps 3 kids in Africa. Majula has her own stuff and money--as well as charities. She  made over a
$ 2 million selling her stocks in her company last year as it went public, the one that she started with a few friends 14 years ago--a soft ware company--ELOQ. Her stock was worth  $1.50 a share when she left the company, and in 5 years shot up to over $20 plus--when she sold it last year. Now it merged with Oracle.--Now between them they have their big house--and 11 others rented as investment. Plus Oliver  has the has extra one where mom lives.

 So-they have a wonderful life, and they are very happy with each having their own interests as well. Mom is used to her now, at times still not--but she dosn`t tell her or him, just me. But Manj is an angel--she fails to see that. I drop Mom off, and she  spends all of Thursday at their house. Oliver is off then-they pick up Scarlett from Montessori  --go out or just spend it home. He loves to work in the garden, well it is a huge park over 800 feet terraced going down to a small river "Petticoat Creek" that flows into the Rouge River. The area  around them  2 years ago was deemed "The Rouge Urban National Park"--over 50 sq km the biggest urban park in North America --beautiful. So their house jumped up in price--they bought it for $990,000--a steal at the time,--the owners  were asking $ one and a half million , now it is worth well over  $ two and a half million. Though  he has a gardener and the pool people--but he is always still pottering around.  People are always working on something--now 5 new huge sky lights are being put in and a huge back covered deck is the latest venture. Sundays they come to  mom and go out, or we all do something together--mostly eat LOL. This is the ritual.

Though I do hope I die before I need help in any way  LOL. Laura will be ok--as I do have life insurance--though I won`t see her enjoy it--LOL. I didn`t get anything from Leslie, $600 every few months--if that. True my mom ran the house like clockwork, she had never worked outside the house. She also went to Europe every single year when my grandmother was alive and spent always 2 months in Budapest. She only stopped going regularly  since my grandmother  died, which was 9 years ago now. All the finances were contributed by me. And that was a  hell of lot. How could I even have considered getting married again with all this responsibility?

When my my father died, that very year I separated from Leslie--Dolores was 15, Oliver was 7, Laura was 5--mom was 51, my grandmother was 74. True we got a little money from the Montreal house that was the down payment for the Toronto house--but that was it. I had to carry everything--mortgage and all. My father died without leaving a penny or insurance. So--I had to do what I had to do--and I did it.

But I am mostly now I am happy with my life--money I have just enough from day to day. I am of want for nothing--what more do I want? Lots of time to myself which is a nice bonus.  I love my little old apartment with my fur kids--Oliver is pressing me to move into a condo which he would buy for me--thank you, but no-thank you. I have all I need and want--especially peace, quite and solitude. I am contented mostly--there is the odd day that I am not. I love my work, I see sick people getting better and it makes me feel good. I am grateful for all--and all the people I love and whom love me.

All the kids are happy, well adjusted--Laurissa moved closer to town, to Oshawa into a lovely large house--she has a wonderful man with a great heart and a shining spirit-- in George. What else could a man be but great-- whose second name is Jesus--LOL--he adores her and also loves the kids as well, and all of us. They have a great relationship now together 4 years plus. She met him in her darkest days on line LOL. She likes her work--but she is also mostly always lived for the girls, that is why God now sent her a good man. She deserves it--she has a heart of gold.

I think my life has been a great success--which is different to each and everyone of us. I feel good, I think I have added to the world not taken away. I try to help anyone I can, give away anything they want if they ask--truly anything. All about me--family, loved ones are healthy that is the gift. My mom is painting like a fiend at 88--and is a great success. She has an other show coming up next week--go figure LOL.

I am truly blessed in every way--only person missing is Dolores, but then  it is her choice to be separated from the family--jealousy is an awful thing, sadly. She lives a block from me, but may as well be in Moscow. Sadly lost years can never be found, and life is not infinite. Regrets later are very hard to live with. But--they live for Olivia--all their money goes towards her fancy very expensive Jesuit school and all the other extra curricular activities--camps, travel and all sorts  of lessons. And--everything that can be bought, the latest.

Tiffany is doing great in Chicago--makes us sad that she is not here--but she has a wonderful very posh life --mixing with all the elite. He bought  one of those lovely "old" condos --in a great old building, downtown  on Chestnut St W--close to his work. She wanted that high life of doing nothing--it would not be a chosen life for me. Adam makes a mint as a commodities trader for a large company--and they are forever travelling and living it up. I hope it is what she really wants--for she wasn`t exactly madly in love with him, and in the end that what we remember--not the stuff. If it is together it is great --but just money alone, not really enough for happiness.You can only travel so much and you lose interest--you can only see Kilimanjaro once or book into the "Ice Hotel", after a while it is rather boring--or to shop at "Tiffany`s" all the time --without love it is useless.

Maybe I am just like this in my old age--though I can`t remember thinking differently when I was younger. Guess looking at it all--I seem to be the most unsuccessfully materially in the bunch--yet I am very happy. So....an other one to figure LOL. I don`t have a credit cards, I don`t own a house anymore, I have no money in the bank, I have no great collections of antiques just memories--.

 Yes--we love the land where we were born--but we also love the land where we grew up--the one that is etched into our memories forever. I shall probably carry this entry  on later.....The one accidentally that I erased was regarding my life in Johannesburg.