...words

 
.... from the closed blog : "Clocks"

You see Oliver, we are strange creatures indeed, this human species-for numerous reasons-often for sake of ego, or  self fulfillment we often want to hurt people who have hurt us; often the people we love the deepest for that hurts the most when they inflict pain on us-especially as one has to play the “guessing game of why”. So, it is a self protecting mechanism of  sort-that soothes the emotions , calms the spirit and in a way sadly, it is revengeful. One feels that perhaps “an eye for an eye “ is acceptable. However Gandhi was right , if we all did that we would all be blind.

Even when things have been done to me, I put it all on the balance and try to understand it, I have try to be rational, and tell myself that each perspective, interpretations of situations are different-but we cannot walk in an other`s moccasin-neither can I in yours nor you in  mine.

Throughout my life I can honestly say I have never made any enemies, I had misunderstanding-but I have never carried emotional baggage from the past; wrongs I have done, or was told I have done, I have always tried to right the wrongs I have done, and to forgive the wrongs done to me -always and to carry on. We all make blunders, say things we don`t mean  and make mistakes in the heat of the moment. Thus it was with me, but not with you.

Saint I am far from, but try to walk a righteous path, never ever betrayed love or a loved one, been honest guided by the spirit of God, which is love-but looking back now at my life –this has not been the entire truth. And it deeply disturbs me. Human frailty maybe? Weakness? Imperfection?  Flaws?  Revenge is an ugly beast, especially words-it overpowers compassion and empathy-two of the most ennobling traits of the human spirit-and through it we actually hurt ourselves. 

Apart from love, loyalty is my strongest point-I am loyal till death to ones I love. You are the way you are, did what you did for your reason  and I excused the behaviour-though it often wounded, me deeply leaving deep scars. I wish I could untangle myself from this web-for it is not a very beneficial  trait.

We all get wounded, pained, hearts broken, and in the heat of the hurt, the anger and the disillusionment we hit back in every possible way trying to inflict pain any which way we can. We lie, and say hurtful things we don`t mean, we make up stories and  totally degrade ourselves, after things start going wrong –the pain we feel and  things we do, which I would never have done in my wildest of dreams to anyone, especially to you-but I had this burning desire for you to feel the same pain as I did. We all have different coping mechanisms-mine are  often stories and words to myself. Through them I wanted  you to feel what I have felt in my soul.  To my regret I have done it a few times-feeling awful later-regarding  you, for really you did not deserve it.  All this was only after you stopped communicating with me.  Love is capable of many things.

The most awful, sad, regrettably thing that really gets to the core of me, generated out of hurt and frustration,-  is what made me say things of which I am ashamed of-for it is not me or who I really am; and that keeps haunting me, always will. It is not baggage, but a disappointment in my very self. For I know that I am so very much  a better person than that, and that everything has  a higher purpose, a reason that comes and touched from the mind of God. 

I know, I know we all do  it-but it is still dishonest and not right- I am deeply remorseful. 
Thank you for opening up your Face Book, I have known it for a while! When you did that I was deeply moved and touched. I so very much appreciate your thoughtfulness -for old times sake; I don`t wish for us to be strangers. 

And just as a reminder-just in case your mind wonders, what ever I said was nothing major at all, or rather what I did not do really-none of it is earth shattering at all-but you didn`t deserve it. Words have deep consequences and can inflict more pain than any physical action, I know I hurt you, but you will never confess to it, even if I told you what it is. However, I do know you like my very self; maybe even more so.

 

The end is the new beginning

 

....from the blog: "Clocks"

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”
The Illuminated Rumi―

AS above, so below....this story is never too old!

The past number of years have been almost a complete purging of spirit.  Paradise lost, and regained once more. This is my last post in this chapter, the end here and a wonderful new beginning--a new road, a new process, a new name, a new blog. The real one. Today--I see why Our Lady said it had to be done, it was my choice to"play the game" or not. I could have messed up big time, it was my test as it was yours. I passed, you failed. However as now, I know it was the right thing to do. Something awesome happened within me, hearing your last words would certainly have devastated me a while back, but as strange as it maybe, on the contrary--I am not. I feel a warm peace washing over me, a tranquillity, an exhilaration, exuberance, a surge of energy and ecstatically happy. I have been on a slow road to this, but suddenly I have arrived. In truth, with an open heart I knew your decision, for I known your stubborn, dogged nature, and your fire--but I had to be sure.

The sad thing for you, and the gift for me was that you opened up and have shown your heart--betrayal is a "dark spirit", that is one lesson that you still have to learn. To betray one`s self is a limiting, devastating exercise.  Am I the better part of you, and I, the older, the wiser if that is possible--the strong, courageous, the brave one. I never thought I would say this, but I am. I see now that I have never ever really needed you--because I was always present, within you, as you are within me. You always have and will need me for that completion of recognition, of acceptance.  I am that part of yourself that you are chasing. I am the angel on the train, I am the little hawk, I am the spider, also I am Cora. You are writing to me. I am the swaying aspen trees, the toothless old woman, the stone mason all the ever existing dark spaces, crevices of your mind.  I am the poison as well as the balm that heals all wounds, I am that silence and I am the mercy of God within that you are searching for, as well as the forgiveness. You know this, for it is all "you". Will you catch "yourself" one day, maybe. But, catch you will, for it is your missing part.

This is not a romantic notion at all, nothing to do with that, but the complexity of spirit, a jigsaw when a part is missing. Self realization. You think that it is about all the romance for me, this illusion of the "fairy tale"--never was. We are not opposites at all, but incomplete trying to be whole as we were created. I now know , but I have integrated within me that which is you, into every cell of my being--that is why I had to do this. That is why I am at the most tranquil, peaceful time that I have ever experience in all of my existences. I was heading this way a while back, but now with you  this happening--which had to, I have arrived. You see darling, as you said"walking backwards" we do arrive at the same place eventually, but also it becomes once more a new beginning with a complete vision on the entire territory covered. Thus I am there--Ouroboros.You are not yet.

As I was reading some of your recent letters I smiled often and repeated the phrase"you are so not grown up". Wisdom of spirit is not equated with intelligence, nor understanding complex philosophical issues nor using and knowing the entire Oxford dictionary backwards or writing beautifully in complex terms--that is just being a brilliant, exquisite and talented writer, but that still does not make you a brilliant soul. Neither an enlightened one. What is the use of all the writing when it is not adding to the polishing of the diamond?

Yes--much is in Pytha--I have read it, and re-read it, every word often through the years--probably can quote stuff from there that you yourself have forgotten. What I am trying to say to you is, do not be blinded for then you shall lose your way quite easily if you get stuck in the mud.  Strange as it may seem there were a few entries within Pytha that made no sense to me though I read it dozens of times, suddenly, now every word makes illuminating sense, it is like some scales have fallen from my understanding, and now I see with my minds eye. You have asked and were given, you knocked the door is open--though do realize that by pushing the door it will not open, for it opens inwards.

 I am that angel in the red raincoat, I am that whom you are looking for. I was on that train, I now see that,  I am the wayshower, I am that which you seek, I am that which you yearn for, I am that whom you are searching for--it is your very self all along. I thought it was the other way around--no it is not.

But, still your ego gets in the way. The great sin, the "missed mark"--still you do it. Like the sweet thornbird that dies in the process of sacrificing its very life on top of those thorns for that one song to God. I cannot help you if you refuse my help, I cannot hold your hand if you refuse to hold mine and I cannot give you peace unless you accept it. You cannot fly if you refuse your other wing, I cannot love you if you do not allow me to.

The past two weeks have totally transformed me, like the Phoenix, I have made it through the transformation, through the fire--into something else, into "completion". Transfiguration. This is ascension for me, I never thought I would utter these words--the "shift" is complete. For you, you have to choose it. Our Lady is always right, and so is sweet, beautiful  Xerxes. I wasn`t quite aware of your choice, but you chose something else. In the end we all know, our soul knows and if we ask God we are shown the way. Always.

Often I was measured with you, at times chose my words carefully--even then my words were misconstrued, misunderstood. I begged and pleaded with you, the more I did it, the more you refused. I thought I needed you, but it is you who needed me all along.

I was scared that you may leave me, frightened that you would forget me and love me no more. I thought that by giving all, allowing all and being all for you is what I needed to do for you to understand "us". The thing is you have to understand "us", I already always have. Only when you shall feel me moving within you, only when your hear my heart beats within yours, only when my mind is within yours, only when you see me as an expression of yourself, only when our spirits are fused and there is no more separation shall you have reach the point of completion within God. I have--I need no other human being--as you needed Naomi.

I do know that we are very different from other souls--we are perhaps older, or come from a "different existence, or sphere of reality", a different creation, a different part of God perhaps than most--if there is such a term . There are some in the world like us, but very few. This is not haughtiness, or pride just acknowledgement and recognition of our heritage. Neither is it such that we are the "movers or shakers of this world", or the chosen ones, we are not. Is not about that, goes far deeper, but much to do about God . It is not about "here", it is about "all that is"--if that makes sense.

Why us? Why you? Why me?--I suppose the answer to that lies in our love for God, our dedication to our existence and our gratitude of "being"--in sorts"enlightenment". The purpose all that is--is "us", the complete version within God, as Rumi has said.  Yes, he was an other, so was Hafiz, so is the dear Little Flower and a few other saints and sinners .

I don`t know if you remember, but one of the very first messages of Our Lady  answering my question as to our purpose, our mission. Her response was"pulling souls through".  That is it--but we can only do that when they allow us the permission to do so. Neither were we mature enough at the time for the task, I now see. We needed that completion within each other--you see it is done, you simply have to accept it, realize it then it is activated--I have. Have you? I know you haven`t, for you wouldn`t have written all those letters to Naomi at he time--you see that was the "test". You are still looking and far more attached to the material than I am. You failed it. Think about it.

Please do not think this is about all the love and romance. Don`t confuse the issue, though that is tied in for that what is part of love, part of spirit, it is not really the issue--please give me credit for that. I am not this little confused, loves truck teenager hopelessly in love with you--dreaming to make love to you. Once more I shall evoke Rumi`s name--read him then you will once know me entirely, thus you will also know yourself. I do.

You are still far more attached to the physical than I am--that is why you need an audience, you need boosting of your ego to feel accepted. But, the only acceptance we need to do is accept ourselves, for we are "all". That is what is resting within God, that what you so ardently seek, you already have.

Read the letters you wrote Naomi if you still have them--and think with soul. You seem to be in the exact spot you were thireen years ago, extricate yourself. Everything is the same. Nothing gained, much lost.

" Lovers--that is another kettle of fish. I haven't grokked so fearsome a beast as all that. Not yet."
You see I have.

Sharing

....from closed blog:"Clocks"

Simply for the sake of love itself--nothing more nothing less. Love is the manifestation of God in us--thus when we love we get to travel further and further into the heart of God. But: we are within God all the time, simply on the periphery, loves makes the possibility of taking the journey. The sharing, the communion and the realization that we are part of this complex unique eternal supreme consciousness--is the enlightenment that we are here for. Our true nature, that divine spark which we are, that emanates from our Creator, our God.

Here am I. Send me...

At times one has far too much to say-at times nothing and at times there is a gridlock in one`s brain as there are so many ideas that want to escape and just cannot. Perhaps this is because I haven`t written in ages-the few post I posted today, were from my other blogs-but I have to write something today as I am compelled to get something on these pages. But what, but what? So much....there is so much wanting to cascade out of my brain.

The quote from the Bible comes to my mind, I heard it in a movie the other night-and it triggered something in very ancient in me and made me come to certain conclusions. But then again-there are no coincidences, are there? God speaks to us through various ways-we just need to listen and hear. The quote is a great reminder and exercise for re-evaluating life as one passes through the passages of the years.

Isaiah 6:8 “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

This brought many images to my mind-and subliminal messages perhaps. I have been pre-occupied with “the nothings” of life the past while. So, I have consciously disengaged myself from the trivialities-or rather the flotsam and jetsam of life. Time to focus on the more important things-like spirit and life of the soul; but above all of what little good one maybe able to do. Time passes far too quickly-day after day flies away at the speed of light; and often one hasn`t much to show for it. Each day is a gift, filled with grace and one treats is as just being simply a unit of time, just ordinary-waiting expectantly for the next day, and not recognizing the magic of the present. Nothing ever experienced is ever lost-so one need not harp on the past, it all had its season in the sun, the way it is, is the way it needs to be.

I have come such a long way-that it actually astounds me-I mean in my life. So many changes, so many experiences, so many wonders, so many miracles especially the past four years have come my way. A true metamorphosis in every way-physically, spiritually and mentally I have changed and I feel totally free. I live within the presence of mindfulness, of prayer and of blessedness. I have reach a place where I am just filled with joy, happiness and bliss each moment and above all gratefulness every second. I have no idea why I have been endowed with this gift- I really do not deserve it, but the Blessed Mother rules my life-I am sure that what it is.

But-where to now? Where do I need to be sent? Where? I have searched my mind-a few people have entered my life lately, who have have exited many years ago. I wonder why that is. Probably a sign. Thus-I do see the way ahead of me and where I am actually needed badly. True I see only few yards ahead - as Thomas Merton said, the rest I leave up to God in whom I place all my trust.

So I leave this page with a message to whom ever reads it. Take control of your life.  Live each day with vision and hope. Be yourself. Allow spirit. Allow God. Allow grace. Be brave, be courageous, be honorable, be honest, be mindful, be grateful and do all out of love wanting nothing in return. Say with an open heart “Here am I. Send me”. And it will be done, one day at a time. Each day is a new chance  to be of service. Make that your mission– and so it is.

Self reflection

 ....from closed blog: "Oafeny"

The God part is fine, if someone does not believe—no problem there. We as individuals have our own internal spirituality, our own “clock” with respect to God— as long as we are on some form of similar band-wave-even if one is a 911 Catholic or a 911 Hindu, Buddhist  or Muslim or whatever, I would and never have a problem with that with anyone. If we are good people and follow our spiritual path. Spirituality is nothing that can be forced, it comes from God and we arrive at different point at different times through grace. Neither is  it of importance whether one prays in the relationship with the divine, for that is between our spirit and God. In reality  “Jesus” said, we should pray in secret. I never advertise my relationship with God, my prayer life only seldom- so the other person knows where I am coming from and who wants  to see the real truth about me and what to me is important and my spiritual life. I am no Bible thumper church lady—and I do not  wish to be one. All I wish from anyone I have a relationship with is to respect my beliefs, my spirituality and my relationship with God—as I respect theirs.

Once somebody told me that they were a “cleaning freak”—well nothing wrong with that-in fact that is great, rather admirable and I hope that  they stay that way. However not everyone is like that. I am not. Yes I clean but I do not obsess about it, and at times when there is a mess. So be it I am not going to have a heart attack over it. I shall clean it later, the next day or the next week. For sure the sky is not going to fall down if there are a few dust bunnies under the couch. Now, I am not making light of all this because I know how important  this is for some people. I truly respect it—as we each have some stuff that is important to us.

I eat plainly, cook seldom. Though I cook very well, I will eat yesterday`s food, I do not throw any food out, it is sacred. So I do not make a drama of living in any way or form. I never take showers only baths with a candle burning and play classical music . I do not drink—seldom, do not do drugs . I exercise —sometimes more sometimes less, sometimes none. I am not a structured person, I let the chips fall where they may.  I try and live a healthy lifestyle, always have. I have a compulsive personality; thus it is all or nothing. No middle road, which I realize is awful, but what can I do, this is the way God made me. I am satisfied and thankful to God each day, and for everyday; truly. My life is filled with gratefulness as I light that candle each day—and put my life into the Immaculate Heart of Our Lady entirely. I do and do whatever She wishes me to do.

I really like and love myself and would be no one else  but me, I never in my life wished to be anyone else.  I think I have an “ok” brain, but we all have special gifts—I can teach much, but many in turn can teach me just as much. We all have different fields of specialty so to speak. Intelligence, wisdom and lessons of life are not learnt in a classroom—neither is goodness of heart. We all possess talents in different areas. 

I have been to Ecuador, but never to Tuscany, which I am sure many have. Neither do I speak French, as many do not speak Hungarian; one may know about chickens, I know about cats. One person knows how to make  great barbeque, I know how to make gulyas; an other  maybe able to fix the vacuum, I maybe able to sew on a button.  Some know how to make wine, I may know how to drink it . I may know the Kamasutra positions in theory, an other  maybe able to do it in real life .  I may know some stuff from books, but an other may have much more wisdom from the world, perhaps from their family heritage—thus we can teach each other. One does not outweigh the other—all have equal importance in living life. Or life is an equal opportunity event. Thus our mission is to leave this planet in a better shape than before we arrived—to leave our footsteps behind which that perhaps will have made a little difference—then we can say our lives were worth the effort.  We can say that we lived our lives honorably and with courage, making a difference to the world; making it a better place for all of creation. We gave and tried to take as little as possible. 

I adore the sea, driftwood, seashells and the waves, an other may love the mountains, forests and rivers- we all have our special likes and dislikes. Classical music is not everybody`s cup of tea, mine is not jazz either. We all have our quirks and quarks-and imperfection.

For me it is important to have mementos of my life. No I am not a hoarder and my apartment is not a war zone , but I do collect things which are reminders of  many, many moments in my life—be they sad, happy or any other. I gauge my life according to my past, I am formed by my past experiences and the people, animals, photos, old letters, notes, cards, e-mails, books—stuff be that even sticks and stones and shells  and often the weirdest of things. I never want to forget anything that was part of me. All things that have entered and exited my life; be that animal, vegetable or mineral. Maybe I am just far too romantic, but that is who I am, so shoot me. If someone loves me they will accept these things as part of me, as my needs in this life. I maybe cluttered—people are a throw away generation these days—with everything, including people.

I am not like that at all; whomever, whatever touched me, that I loved I shall always remember, cherish and need constant reminders of that they were and are parts of me for always for I never want to forget—including my animals—whether they shed their entire fur in my apartment or not. You do not just love the good, the perfectness within something or a person—but the bad as well as the ugly. If you have a sick child, a badly behaved child, an imperfect child you do not send it back with a note” returned for reasons of imperfection”! Well I do not anyway. I have never euthanized any of my animals, and always tried to save them to the end—when time came God took them at His own time. I believe it is not our choice to make those decisions. It is our duty to do the best we can with that which we were given—that is all that God wants. And if we do that, then it is a life that has been lived well—with no regrets.

I try and do my best—and try and render to all to whom whatever is due. Thus I try to be a good—or the best child to my mother, the best sibling to my brother and sister, the best  mother and grandmother, the best aunt and the best pet parent and  the best lover to the person that I wish to share my life with and whom I love. Always acting, doing all to the very best of my ability, with my heart and soul. 

Life is not easy—even when we have the best intentions still it is filled with thorns, stones, heartaches and pain. We often hurt people unintentionally, but at least one can say—that it was not out of intent, just that we are different and at times we see things and act differently even when we are faced with the same situation.  Life is give and take. There are good days, sad days and miserable days and balance, above all is needed. Love, mercy, understanding, forgiveness and compassion is needed for navigation through the rough waters of life. Humility, loyalty and living honorably is an important cornerstone of any life. All human  relationships  are  faced with many difficulties, but that is all in the game. What can we do but deal with it, with love and God all is possible.  We need personal time, personal space and realization of each person`s needs, as well as our family loyalties which at times arise. Allowing and recognizing the importance of these are vital components of a good relationship.  Also—often much time is needed to completely understand and know an other person, to say that:  “I love you” phrase!—as the song says ”You can`t hurry love”.

I  feel that this is how I wish to conduct my life in a relationship—if this is not what an other can live with, accept—then so be it.  One can still stay simply good friends and I am sure they in turn will find some wonderful person who may meet their needs, their heart`s wishes and desires.  We are all good, sweet wonderful loving souls—we are all so deserving of so very much.

My life is very much is explained, defined through the words of Thomas Merton below:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Beguiled-revisited

...from an other closed blog from the mists of time lost many years ago titled: "The Clocks" !

Some thoughts today-You have sent me a card, and have said absolutely nothing!-I am very sad. I think I have deserved more than that. Maybe some explanation of the flow of your life, yet there is none. Is this love?

Today I received a card from you. Sort of neutral.That is fine-but I am beguiled by you. You are an enigma,what are your thinking.  Anything?... at this space is not clear as to what is being said, and some what is not. I am happy you are back and things are settling down, though you are homesick. I doubt for the cornfield or the work, but for the solitude or being able to commune with nature.

What do I say to you my dearest, what can I say? These past days I have said so very much that it actually astounds me. I wish you would just say a few words, even in a whisper will do. We are at these times  so far apart that it scares me to death. Why? Because you tell me nothing. but-you have to want to tell  me, yet you don`t.

I think I have decided that this is the way I shall communicate with you on a a deeper level, be that it may whether you read it or not, one day you will.  I have run out of option as to how to do it, for we seem to be pulling further and further apart. I hope it is a temporary things at this point, for it would kill me.

Now, the image is your protector, your guide and your special friend. You haven`t even acknowledged him maybe to yourself but not to me. Not that I need any recognition, but I was the in between person the one that was given the gift to present him  or introduce you to him. Why? Well, I suppose maybe he is a kin of my beloved Xerxes. At time he is much forgotten, but he is a loyal companion, and when I need advice  or help he is always there. I feel ashamed that he is so neglected.

Corn and days in the sun seem important to you. We each have our love. Mine is the sea, as you know. I dream of being there walking on the shore and watching the tides come in.  How wonderful it would be to be lying there on the beach with you watching the stars  and the moon, naked under a blanket exploring each others body. The gentle wave lapping at the shore and  us making passionate  love on the beach. Would you like that? Making love to me? Do you ever think of that? Mmm are you perhaps afraid to, or embarrassed? Why ? If you love me? Okay enough of this subject as it seems to make you feel uncomfortable I feel. Not me!

So, back to the day.  You were on my mind and as to which way to proceed. I wanted a sign from God, You haven`t opened my last card, but you sent a neutral one.When that happens, I know you are not too engaged.You are so complicated and convoluted. Now this is not in a bad sense, but different as to the world.

You men of intellect, of genius of God are so impossible to figure out, so impossible to love. Yet we do love you so.

Human existence?

Time and again one comes back to the question of human existence. What is our mission? Is it an individual or group mission? If we ascribe to the idea that we are “one” part of universal consciousness—then a group mission is. And what is that? Harmony and balance. 

It is lifting each other`s soul up to reach a higher vibrational plane from whence we came—to which we shall eventually return.  How is this to be achieved ? Through the universal expression of cosmic consciousness which is within the expression of —love, that comes into being through compassion, mercy, harmony and peace.

Phoenix

 

The Phoenix is the Egyptian mythological bird of red, gold and purple plumage, colors of the rising sun. Metaphorically she symbolizes rebirth and resurrection as she died in the fire of the funeral pyre, but arose once more from the ashes. Maybe a haunting question or riddle-are we the phoenix?

The story goes such...

This magnificent bird had her nest at the top of a huge palm tree which caught fire that was ignited by a spark struck from the hooves of the celestial steeds drawing the chariot of  the Egyptian Sun God, Ra.

Amid the flames this exquisite Arabian bird extended her golden neck and unfurled her purple wings, but instead of flying off, she  danced an exquisite dance. Eventually, she was consumed by the flames of the fire and she herself was reduced to ashes--but this was not the end. Indeed, it was only the beginning.

Five hundred years later a new bird was reborn from the exact same ashes. It sealed the remains of the nest in myrrh, wrapped  it in aromatic leaves, and molded it into the shape of an egg.  It carried this as a sacred offering to the temple of the sun at Heliopolis, and then flew away to paradise. Five hundred years later it once more returned to earth, where it began again the cycle of self-immolation and resurrection--a process that continues forever. 

Is this the story of man?