Self reflection

 ....from closed blog: "Oafeny"

The God part is fine, if someone does not believe—no problem there. We as individuals have our own internal spirituality, our own “clock” with respect to God— as long as we are on some form of similar band-wave-even if one is a 911 Catholic or a 911 Hindu, Buddhist  or Muslim or whatever, I would and never have a problem with that with anyone. If we are good people and follow our spiritual path. Spirituality is nothing that can be forced, it comes from God and we arrive at different point at different times through grace. Neither is  it of importance whether one prays in the relationship with the divine, for that is between our spirit and God. In reality  “Jesus” said, we should pray in secret. I never advertise my relationship with God, my prayer life only seldom- so the other person knows where I am coming from and who wants  to see the real truth about me and what to me is important and my spiritual life. I am no Bible thumper church lady—and I do not  wish to be one. All I wish from anyone I have a relationship with is to respect my beliefs, my spirituality and my relationship with God—as I respect theirs.

Once somebody told me that they were a “cleaning freak”—well nothing wrong with that-in fact that is great, rather admirable and I hope that  they stay that way. However not everyone is like that. I am not. Yes I clean but I do not obsess about it, and at times when there is a mess. So be it I am not going to have a heart attack over it. I shall clean it later, the next day or the next week. For sure the sky is not going to fall down if there are a few dust bunnies under the couch. Now, I am not making light of all this because I know how important  this is for some people. I truly respect it—as we each have some stuff that is important to us.

I eat plainly, cook seldom. Though I cook very well, I will eat yesterday`s food, I do not throw any food out, it is sacred. So I do not make a drama of living in any way or form. I never take showers only baths with a candle burning and play classical music . I do not drink—seldom, do not do drugs . I exercise —sometimes more sometimes less, sometimes none. I am not a structured person, I let the chips fall where they may.  I try and live a healthy lifestyle, always have. I have a compulsive personality; thus it is all or nothing. No middle road, which I realize is awful, but what can I do, this is the way God made me. I am satisfied and thankful to God each day, and for everyday; truly. My life is filled with gratefulness as I light that candle each day—and put my life into the Immaculate Heart of Our Lady entirely. I do and do whatever She wishes me to do.

I really like and love myself and would be no one else  but me, I never in my life wished to be anyone else.  I think I have an “ok” brain, but we all have special gifts—I can teach much, but many in turn can teach me just as much. We all have different fields of specialty so to speak. Intelligence, wisdom and lessons of life are not learnt in a classroom—neither is goodness of heart. We all possess talents in different areas. 

I have been to Ecuador, but never to Tuscany, which I am sure many have. Neither do I speak French, as many do not speak Hungarian; one may know about chickens, I know about cats. One person knows how to make  great barbeque, I know how to make gulyas; an other  maybe able to fix the vacuum, I maybe able to sew on a button.  Some know how to make wine, I may know how to drink it . I may know the Kamasutra positions in theory, an other  maybe able to do it in real life .  I may know some stuff from books, but an other may have much more wisdom from the world, perhaps from their family heritage—thus we can teach each other. One does not outweigh the other—all have equal importance in living life. Or life is an equal opportunity event. Thus our mission is to leave this planet in a better shape than before we arrived—to leave our footsteps behind which that perhaps will have made a little difference—then we can say our lives were worth the effort.  We can say that we lived our lives honorably and with courage, making a difference to the world; making it a better place for all of creation. We gave and tried to take as little as possible. 

I adore the sea, driftwood, seashells and the waves, an other may love the mountains, forests and rivers- we all have our special likes and dislikes. Classical music is not everybody`s cup of tea, mine is not jazz either. We all have our quirks and quarks-and imperfection.

For me it is important to have mementos of my life. No I am not a hoarder and my apartment is not a war zone , but I do collect things which are reminders of  many, many moments in my life—be they sad, happy or any other. I gauge my life according to my past, I am formed by my past experiences and the people, animals, photos, old letters, notes, cards, e-mails, books—stuff be that even sticks and stones and shells  and often the weirdest of things. I never want to forget anything that was part of me. All things that have entered and exited my life; be that animal, vegetable or mineral. Maybe I am just far too romantic, but that is who I am, so shoot me. If someone loves me they will accept these things as part of me, as my needs in this life. I maybe cluttered—people are a throw away generation these days—with everything, including people.

I am not like that at all; whomever, whatever touched me, that I loved I shall always remember, cherish and need constant reminders of that they were and are parts of me for always for I never want to forget—including my animals—whether they shed their entire fur in my apartment or not. You do not just love the good, the perfectness within something or a person—but the bad as well as the ugly. If you have a sick child, a badly behaved child, an imperfect child you do not send it back with a note” returned for reasons of imperfection”! Well I do not anyway. I have never euthanized any of my animals, and always tried to save them to the end—when time came God took them at His own time. I believe it is not our choice to make those decisions. It is our duty to do the best we can with that which we were given—that is all that God wants. And if we do that, then it is a life that has been lived well—with no regrets.

I try and do my best—and try and render to all to whom whatever is due. Thus I try to be a good—or the best child to my mother, the best sibling to my brother and sister, the best  mother and grandmother, the best aunt and the best pet parent and  the best lover to the person that I wish to share my life with and whom I love. Always acting, doing all to the very best of my ability, with my heart and soul. 

Life is not easy—even when we have the best intentions still it is filled with thorns, stones, heartaches and pain. We often hurt people unintentionally, but at least one can say—that it was not out of intent, just that we are different and at times we see things and act differently even when we are faced with the same situation.  Life is give and take. There are good days, sad days and miserable days and balance, above all is needed. Love, mercy, understanding, forgiveness and compassion is needed for navigation through the rough waters of life. Humility, loyalty and living honorably is an important cornerstone of any life. All human  relationships  are  faced with many difficulties, but that is all in the game. What can we do but deal with it, with love and God all is possible.  We need personal time, personal space and realization of each person`s needs, as well as our family loyalties which at times arise. Allowing and recognizing the importance of these are vital components of a good relationship.  Also—often much time is needed to completely understand and know an other person, to say that:  “I love you” phrase!—as the song says ”You can`t hurry love”.

I  feel that this is how I wish to conduct my life in a relationship—if this is not what an other can live with, accept—then so be it.  One can still stay simply good friends and I am sure they in turn will find some wonderful person who may meet their needs, their heart`s wishes and desires.  We are all good, sweet wonderful loving souls—we are all so deserving of so very much.

My life is very much is explained, defined through the words of Thomas Merton below:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.