...words

 
.... from the closed blog : "Clocks"

You see Oliver, we are strange creatures indeed, this human species-for numerous reasons-often for sake of ego, or  self fulfillment we often want to hurt people who have hurt us; often the people we love the deepest for that hurts the most when they inflict pain on us-especially as one has to play the “guessing game of why”. So, it is a self protecting mechanism of  sort-that soothes the emotions , calms the spirit and in a way sadly, it is revengeful. One feels that perhaps “an eye for an eye “ is acceptable. However Gandhi was right , if we all did that we would all be blind.

Even when things have been done to me, I put it all on the balance and try to understand it, I have try to be rational, and tell myself that each perspective, interpretations of situations are different-but we cannot walk in an other`s moccasin-neither can I in yours nor you in  mine.

Throughout my life I can honestly say I have never made any enemies, I had misunderstanding-but I have never carried emotional baggage from the past; wrongs I have done, or was told I have done, I have always tried to right the wrongs I have done, and to forgive the wrongs done to me -always and to carry on. We all make blunders, say things we don`t mean  and make mistakes in the heat of the moment. Thus it was with me, but not with you.

Saint I am far from, but try to walk a righteous path, never ever betrayed love or a loved one, been honest guided by the spirit of God, which is love-but looking back now at my life –this has not been the entire truth. And it deeply disturbs me. Human frailty maybe? Weakness? Imperfection?  Flaws?  Revenge is an ugly beast, especially words-it overpowers compassion and empathy-two of the most ennobling traits of the human spirit-and through it we actually hurt ourselves. 

Apart from love, loyalty is my strongest point-I am loyal till death to ones I love. You are the way you are, did what you did for your reason  and I excused the behaviour-though it often wounded, me deeply leaving deep scars. I wish I could untangle myself from this web-for it is not a very beneficial  trait.

We all get wounded, pained, hearts broken, and in the heat of the hurt, the anger and the disillusionment we hit back in every possible way trying to inflict pain any which way we can. We lie, and say hurtful things we don`t mean, we make up stories and  totally degrade ourselves, after things start going wrong –the pain we feel and  things we do, which I would never have done in my wildest of dreams to anyone, especially to you-but I had this burning desire for you to feel the same pain as I did. We all have different coping mechanisms-mine are  often stories and words to myself. Through them I wanted  you to feel what I have felt in my soul.  To my regret I have done it a few times-feeling awful later-regarding  you, for really you did not deserve it.  All this was only after you stopped communicating with me.  Love is capable of many things.

The most awful, sad, regrettably thing that really gets to the core of me, generated out of hurt and frustration,-  is what made me say things of which I am ashamed of-for it is not me or who I really am; and that keeps haunting me, always will. It is not baggage, but a disappointment in my very self. For I know that I am so very much  a better person than that, and that everything has  a higher purpose, a reason that comes and touched from the mind of God. 

I know, I know we all do  it-but it is still dishonest and not right- I am deeply remorseful. 
Thank you for opening up your Face Book, I have known it for a while! When you did that I was deeply moved and touched. I so very much appreciate your thoughtfulness -for old times sake; I don`t wish for us to be strangers. 

And just as a reminder-just in case your mind wonders, what ever I said was nothing major at all, or rather what I did not do really-none of it is earth shattering at all-but you didn`t deserve it. Words have deep consequences and can inflict more pain than any physical action, I know I hurt you, but you will never confess to it, even if I told you what it is. However, I do know you like my very self; maybe even more so.