I wrote this a while back in an other blog....it is time for it to see sunlight here so you may see it.
If I am being totally honest--the way why I feel so is because of you. I
can`t figure you out at all, and that exercise the other day when you
talked about my blind spot, your blind spot seems to be lingering with
me. You came back into my life through some deception on my part, though
you could have seen through it were you not jumping into a new
relationship in the heat of the moment with a new woman you haven`t even
had a decent communication with, or knowing whom she actually was. Yet you were
totally taken in. Fell into the trap-how very gullible of you, how very human.
You
see the need , the want and the desire is there, but so is the fear that
you have to live up to being a man--you over compensate by the romantic
letters, prose, and innuendos. Making love on the pages is far easier than reality. Maybe there is no desire to, for the mind cannot distinguish between the though and the physical action- it is just as real in the mind. Perhaps all is out of feeling that you are not good
enough from some experience in the past. That is safe, but for a time
only. Once you feel you are in danger of living up to it in the real
life you are scared as hell and run for the hills.
But this makes me wonder--how many women have you done this to? Yes, now
I think Wendy may not have been as crazy as you have told me. You
deceived her, made her fall for you. The point you made a while back that your
sister is now assured that I am really in love with you, was such a
strange statement, that it just floored me.
What does it matter what your sister thinks to you? Or to me? Are we teenagers, or even younger? Is she your mother? Most odd.
But what really nags at me is; is this a game? I don`t think so really,
but I do have my doubts about your commitment. I think you are honest,
but you cannot or feel that you cannot live up to the expectations in
real life-that is why you don`t want a job, a congregation nor a life
outside the family in the real world.
You are scared and are not able to handle a relationship in the normal
sense, or in the reality. It is like not being able to watch yourself in
the mirror. You want the feeling of love as "learning to love, or
being capable of love or accepting that you are worthy to be loved"
which you really haven`t even now learnt or have come to terms
with, maybe very slightly, but not really. You have feelings of doubt,
insecurity and uncertainty about standing on your own feet within a
relationship. That you can`t do and you feel that you are not worthy
being loved at all. For you feel you can`t reciprocate.
But you can, and
you do! Don`t you see that? Open your eyes. Open your heart. Open your
soul for all is shut down. And, oh yes, you hide behind God, spirituality and
now the boys. You cling desperately to this notion of ethereal love, or
love in a past life or in the next life. Your feelings of inadequacies
are killing you or the writings fulfill you in that area to some
degree; probably thinking that or rather convincing yourself that, that is what
spirituality is. Well it isn`t.
That is why when it gets more dangerous or when I said I may come to
Chicago a few years or ago, that what made you run. Now, I think it
was the influence of your sister and maybe your mother that allowed or
perhaps forced you to ask me this time. I am certainly sure you were
praying that I would refuse. Well, I have.
You see darling to be able to love wholly, one must be whole commit
and allow the entwining of one`s heart with the beloved. You say you
do, but it frightens you and you find all kinds of excuses. That is why
you have never really have had a normal relationship from the get go.
Even with Katherine. The others were more of a need, like you needed a
mother figure when you had the relationship in Toronto, that is why it
happened. But it was never a balanced relationship, that is why you felt
abused, used and tormented. It was a dominant relationship not a mutual
one. As all the few other had major problems, sadly with me, we could
work things out, even if we never meet and have a healthy relationship,
sure a bit strange: but healthy and rewarding.
In a way I too have some of the fears you do, as because I am so
committed to my family and I feel responsible totally for my mother.
So, in a way I am walking in a similar moccasin to you in an other way. Even
going on a date years ago I felt guilty. Why? I have no reason maybe I
felt sort of the man of the family and being with a man felt I was
betraying them.
So, you see darling- I am not as secure, self assured and self
sufficient as I often sound. We are all very flawed human beings.for me
it stems from my mother always telling me when I was a child and even
later that I was the reason why she never left my father. So I feel
guilty about that, always have, still do. I can`t get over it. But with
my rational mind I know it not to be true, for she could have left, but
didn`t for her own security. True- I always begged her not to leave, but
now this is what I have faced my whole life.
For you whatever happened, what you never wanted to tell me is the
reason once , if ever you will tell me that is when you will be able to
let go and love sincerely, till then it is just a thought that you
love, are but empty words trying to convince yourself. As I do so well about
my mother. As your mother did forever confiding in you, plus whatever
else that went on with you in you younger days. You see parent have to be able to let their
children fly- neither of us were allowed to do that and weighted down,
tethered with the guilt trips. You felt responsible for your mother`s
unhappiness with Jan, as I did for mine-yet we are the children and
they are the parents, it was their duty to teach us to fly and to push
us out of the nest, not to hold us back. No-once more you feel the
responsibility for the boys as well, also that Kai is unhappy and miserable. It
is not your fault that she and your mother made the wrong choices!
Neither is it mine about my mother this shall never end. Will it?
And, this is where we are, why we are so fucked up and messed up
forever. Incapable to function, incapable to have a decent relationship,
incapable to have an independent life. Our problems are very deep
seated and I am sure not even years of therapy will put us straight,
neither will anti-depressants, drugs nor alcohol will do it--we are
doomed for the sins of our mothers. Till death us do part. For we love
them far too deeply, that can only be escaped through death--nothing
else. Were we different, we would have walked years ago--but love has
very strong chains, impossible to break.
The letters, the cards, the quotes, the poetry are the safety
valves for appeasement for our spirit and heart for sanity sake. Do we
really love each other--now that is the question. Or are we just using
each other for our troubled life trying to find some normalcy, some
answers some realty that we may accept as being the truth.
