This is late 2014....from a blog called / The Clocks...which is closed
Strange human life, strange we humans. Lately I am filled with peace, for some reason in my soul I have come to terms with love. Maybe it is is influence of readings I have done-but I am not as needy, or perhaps obsessed with the ideas of love. Love just is. I simply love and that is entirely sufficient, it is what it is and how it has to be, to be real--I do not need re-assurance, a testament or a daily assurance from you for now I know that love given is what is real, not the one received. Though I have to confess that being loved is needed to complement, or is an adjunct to reinforce, or to complete the circle,- but it has to pour out from the other`s soul freely, without any force, without any fear without any enticement. If it is otherwise it is not love at all but self delusion.
You have but almost entirely have shut me out of your life lately-but that is fine. I know I haven`t done anything to warrant that, so peace fills my heart , it washes over me like a warm embracing wave. A joy that that fills me completely-- I do love you and for some unearthly reason I feel serene, fulfilled and do not lack or feel neglected by you. I know that you love me in your own way--you are a person who crafts words in the most spectacular manner, however words are words only no matter how beautiful when it is without sufficient feelings of spirit, without flow of grace from the soul that is the very spirit of God. I also realize that at time it is from your heart at times a need to satisfy me and at times even a burden--but these are our human qualities, our human weaknesses and stresses of life in general.
Things that changed in a most peculiar
way for the better perhaps, sort of settled in onto out way of life--why?
Perhaps there has been some private messages from God for me, whispering to me during the night- funny I
dream much these days- never did before. I have been but touched deeply by a
few writers- especially John O`Donohue and other great souls who have shone the
light on reality in a way. So, I really have
I have no need of daily communication with you-though it would be nice,
but not a need. I know you love me and I love you with deep passion-but I have
acknowledged after all this time that we are different, yet the same. I don`t
have this desperate need of you that was torturing me, ever doubtful, ever
present-I am at peace.
I suppose this is for a number of
reasons--I now feel entirely free of the idea that I have offended you, have
said something to hurt you or have done anything to feel sorry about. None of
that exists--all I have and do is love you. Whether you love me back in words
of expression is irrelevant at this point now--for I know you do, though at
times perhaps you may even doubt yourself, but I know you do. You see--that
statement : We only realize things in all it perspective, in its beauty, in its
value in its passing. I feel I am blessed for I am constantly trying to be
aware of it all, appreciate all and be grateful for all before its passing.
At times I feel that I keep re-visiting
your letters to Naomi, it tells me that you are still looking still for
something--I actually have found it darling. Why I am saying this--it is
because of your letters to her were full of yearning of things which you
already had, possessed yet did not realize, maybe you should read a few
sometimes and contemplate as to what your really want: is it the chase, the
challenge, the "new experience"which you think will be more
fulfilling, or perhaps the shine has gone and there is some tarnish. Ah, but
you see things of value always have patina--! I tell you darling-happiness,
joy, love lies and comes from within one, not without.
At times your words told me that you
are/were happy and love me--and at times I feel you are going through the
motions and were bored--we seemed to have communicated more and more through
"haiku". But-I do not blame myself any longer, there was a time when
I did, but not any longer. The ball is in your court now-whether you hit it or
not is up to you.
We could have been talking via Skype ,
you chose not to--after all these years it seems a bit odd--but then, it is all
up to you my darling heart--I am leaving it all up to you. We shall have plenty
of time in heaven to talk of things that we have not discussed here on earth--I
am convinced of that. This is a very comforting thought.
I love you my angel, my all--my other
self
ZS
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