The Black Rose

I wrote this a while back  in an other blog....it is time for it to see sunlight here so you may see it.

If I am being totally honest--the way why I feel so is because of you. I can`t figure you out at all, and that exercise the other day when you talked about my blind spot, your blind spot seems to be lingering with me. You came back into my life through some deception on my part, though you could have seen through it were you not jumping into a new relationship in the heat of the moment with a new woman you haven`t even had a decent communication with, or knowing whom she actually was. Yet you were totally taken in. Fell into the trap-how very gullible of you, how very human.

You see the need , the want and the desire is there, but so is the fear that you have to live up to being a man--you over compensate by the romantic letters, prose, and innuendos.  Making love on the pages is far easier than reality. Maybe there is no desire to, for the mind cannot distinguish between the though and the physical action- it is just as real in the mind. Perhaps all is out of feeling that you are not good enough from some experience in the past. That is safe, but for a time only. Once you feel you are in danger of living up to it in the real life you are scared as hell and run for the hills.

But this makes me wonder--how many women have you done this to? Yes, now I think Wendy may not have been as crazy as you have told me. You deceived her, made her fall for you. The point you made a while back that your sister is now assured that I am really in love with you, was such a strange statement, that it just floored me.

What does it matter what your sister thinks to you? Or to me? Are we teenagers, or even younger? Is she your mother?  Most odd.

But what really nags at me is; is this a game? I don`t think so really, but I do have my doubts about your commitment. I think you are honest, but you cannot or feel that you cannot live up to the expectations in real life-that is why you don`t want  a job, a congregation nor a life outside the family in the real world.

You are scared and are not able to handle a relationship in the normal sense, or in the reality. It is like not being able to watch yourself in the mirror. You want the feeling of love as "learning to love, or being capable of love or accepting that you are worthy to be loved" which you really haven`t even now learnt or have come to terms with, maybe very slightly, but not really. You have feelings of doubt, insecurity and uncertainty about standing on your own feet within a relationship. That you can`t do and you feel that you are not worthy being loved at all. For you feel you can`t reciprocate.

But you can, and you do! Don`t you see that?  Open your eyes. Open your heart. Open your soul for all is shut down. And, oh yes, you hide behind God, spirituality and now the boys. You cling desperately to this notion of ethereal love, or love in a past life or in the next life. Your feelings of inadequacies are killing you or the writings fulfill  you in that area to some degree; probably thinking that or rather convincing yourself that, that is what spirituality is. Well it isn`t.

That is why when it gets more dangerous or when I said I may come to Chicago a  few years or  ago, that what made you run. Now, I think it was the influence of your sister and maybe your mother that allowed or perhaps forced you to ask me this time.  I am certainly sure you were praying that I would refuse. Well, I have.

You see darling to be able to love wholly, one must be whole commit  and allow the entwining of one`s heart with the beloved. You say you do, but it frightens you and you find all kinds of excuses. That is why you have never really have had a normal relationship from the get go. Even with Katherine. The others were more of a need, like you needed a mother figure when you had the relationship in Toronto, that is why it happened. But it was never a balanced relationship, that is why you felt abused, used and tormented. It was a dominant relationship not a mutual one. As all the few other had major problems, sadly with me, we could work things out, even if we never meet and have a healthy relationship, sure a bit strange: but healthy and rewarding.

In a way I too have some of the fears you do, as because I am so committed to my family and I feel responsible totally for my mother. So, in a way I am walking in a similar moccasin to you in an other way. Even going on a date years ago I felt guilty. Why? I have no reason maybe I felt sort of the man of the family and being with a man felt I was betraying them.

So, you see darling- I am not as secure, self assured and self sufficient as I often sound. We are all very flawed human beings.for me it stems from my mother always telling me when I was a child and even later that I was the reason why she never left my father. So I feel guilty about that, always have, still do. I can`t get over it. But with my rational mind I know it not to be true, for she could have left, but didn`t for her own security. True- I always begged her not to leave, but now this is what I have faced my whole life.

For you whatever happened, what you never wanted to tell me is the reason once , if ever you will tell me that is when you will be able to let go and love sincerely, till then it is just a thought that you love, are but empty words trying to convince yourself. As I do so well about my mother. As your mother did forever confiding in you, plus whatever else that went on with you in you younger days. You see parent have to be able to let their children fly- neither of us were allowed to do that and weighted down, tethered with the guilt trips. You felt responsible for your mother`s unhappiness with Jan, as I did for mine-yet we are the children and they are the parents, it was their duty to teach us to fly and to push us out of the nest, not to hold us back. No-once more  you feel the responsibility for the boys as well, also that  Kai is unhappy and miserable. It is not your fault that she and your mother  made the wrong choices!

Neither is it mine about my mother this shall never end. Will it? And, this is where we are, why we are so  fucked up and messed up forever. Incapable to function, incapable to have a decent relationship, incapable to have an independent life. Our problems are very deep seated and I am sure not even years of therapy will put us straight, neither will anti-depressants, drugs nor alcohol will do it--we are doomed for the sins of our mothers. Till death us do part. For we love them far too deeply, that can only be escaped through death--nothing else. Were we different, we would have walked years ago--but love has very strong chains, impossible to break.

The letters, the cards, the quotes, the poetry are the safety valves for appeasement for our spirit and heart for sanity sake. Do we really love each other--now that is the question. Or are we just using each other  for our troubled life trying to find some normalcy, some answers some realty that we may accept as being the truth.