Silence

This is from  the other blog in /2014 I wrote it then.

Last night I laboured hard over this post most profoundly, as I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing. Probably have . That is why I removed it for a while as well as the Black Rose--for it contained things that I thought may offend you,--but all is out of love, nothing else. Never to hurt you.

I have to now elaborate here--I am still rather confounded over the Naomi blogs, or issues. I have no resolution in my mind. In the very initial letters you used and said the same words to her. "I am attracted to you like a moon to its sun"--well the phrase is close. "I need, I am hungry  human companionship, interaction". Wow. Any thing I have ever said to you was to you, and to you only. Terms of endearment, words quotes, poems, music were to you alone--ever. I would have been otherwise deceiving my own self were it different, I couldn`t not have lived with myself. All would then what I felt before would have been a lie, a deception.Yet--you used the term "grokked"--regarding being in love. You told her you need to be loved, you need the emotional connection--in fact the term you used were"hungry" for it as you never loved before. To tell you the truth I had to look up the word "grokked" as I never even heard it before.

Now something else is tugging at my heart, that is when I wrote to you about the car accident, you totally disregarded my plea. Your concern was beyond measure. Is this how one responds to a person that is in love with? No. You were only deathly silent. I could never have been, I could never have not responded to you. How could you not if you love me? I fail to understand where you are coming from in many respects. I have never intentionally hurt you, caused you pain--neither did I ever do anything to cause you pain. I would give part of myself for you if the need arose. That what love does. That how love responds. That what love is.

These are just a few incidents that come so strongly to mind--but one of the worst ones was, when you moved from Colorado and I asked if you are taking my picture and other things with you. Your answer was brief and very dismissive "why should I"? Well--that sure was a stab to the heart.

Now--I have to question what is happening as you have been silent for over a week. Did I offend you, or is there some sort of crisis? Or did I say something again in my letters? Is it maybe you have found out that I was in fact Simon as well as Giovanni? I wonder about it. Also, I was deathly scared to ask what that actual blind spot of mine is? What is yours? These things I would ask you would I have the courage to do so.

You see the Naomi thing haunts me most awfully, constantly can`t get it off my mind.The wounds are very deep indeed--but I so very much love you that it over shadows my pain. I just didn`t expect it. I was going to keep those letter in this blog space, but it just is a bitter reminder of that perhaps all that is and was between us is a sham. Is a lie. Is an illusion--for you a game. So I deleted them--I had them for a while and re-read and re-read them, it was driving me crazy.

True--I have in the past before we broke up said some real nasty things to you--including stuff in some post under different disguises--I was angry, mad but above all deeply wounded to the core. I have never been so blunt ever before with anyone as when I told you those things--and some made up stories about some other men. They were all just stories, all untrue, just to inflict some sort of pain on you, to make you see how I was feeling. I was desperate as to evoke an emotion from you.  How could you even imagine I would have betrayed you in any way or form were you here or on the moon. I am and was always committed to you, to us. Nothing would ever move me from that--I shall die loving you. Why? How? Is beyond me. Beyond understanding.

Where are you now? I don`t really know anything about your Chicago life--all you do is send me a card here and there--the very odd neutral letter. You said a few things in your last one--after the Elibron  card--but all is a big secret. You say you don`t write your journal--maybe. But you said "writing is like breathing" and you would die without it. So then how are you surviving?

Then when your letters seemed filled this anguish, sadness confusion, pain--being lost. I sent you the St. Jude Prayer--you were offended--saying you were feeling great. Yet you were filled with complaints about your life, your sister and life. I don`t understand. Please make me see and understand where we are. What is happening ?

You invite me and my mother to Chicago--isn`t that a bit strange to you? It was touching, nice--but awfully strange. I am no teenager, neither are you. No? Now there is deathly silence. You open my cards a day or two later--yesterday`s isn`t even open. What is happening? You said things were great in Kentucky. Now what? I asked about your parents as to what they are doing there--more silence. We chat on the internet--you disappear from sight for days--not saying goodbye or anything. Now I would understand if you are drinking or doing whatever you are doing with Luis--but still it is very curious as how you are behaving with me.

You said --a week or two ago."The whole weekend I shall be thinking just of you--"And you went totally off the radar--when your sister went to Wisconsin. As you said-- we were communicating via Haiku on the gratefulness site. Even your birthday card--it was acknowledged a day or two after. Why? You haven`t told me a thing about how your birthday went--or anything. What is going on--? It feels I hardly know you. One day I do, the other you are a complete stranger.

Thank God I didn`t suggest that you get back on Paxil, that would have totally finished us off. I was going to when you were so full of anguish and depression--well that is how you sounded. My interpretation maybe wrong, off on a tangent--no body language to see your reactions or explanations. I am utterly confused. Totally lost in this situation. Is there an actual "us"? I am deathly scared of losing you--so I shut up, but even that is not enough. Even neutral things seem to aggravate you, bring you to a boil I know. What am I supposed to do? Please let me know. Give me a sign--a something. This is not a one night stand we are having--it is a 8 year question. It is a hell of a long time--not a day, weeks, months but many years in the making. Now I know it is very convoluted--we haven`t met, seen each other. We could on the internet--every night, but you feel safe this way as I had said way back. You are frightened--want me and want me not. You said you would send pictures. When? In the next century? Why is it so hard for you to let your guard down at this point in our relationship?

I have never told you this--but from the very beginning you have reminded me so much of Merton and Fr. Ralph in the "Thornbirds". Yes, I know neither of them are  your favourite. Why because they remind you of yourself! And also you are jealous, especially if I talk about any other man--as I did on Assisi. Oh, yes--and the reading of "Proteas"--you started and stopped in your tracks--no explanation , nothing. Long after you told me you were jealous of the protagonist--Well I ask you, really? And just deleting the Assisi front page--now I am reminded that , that is where and when it all started --our break up.....funny both beginning and the end-Alpha and Omega of us! I had quite forgotten--. Even that group was so important for you--I gave it to you, then you destroyed it.

Who was it that told you to open Reiki Frontiers? Remember it was I! I wanted you to be happy, successful and fulfilled--when it started going and people acclaimed you. Please give me a break--who cares what those people think.Where are those people when you are in darkness, in pain? When you need something? Where the hell is that woman--what`s her name--Mariah Windsong. Wow--some genius she is. And you put her in charge--in charge of what? Nothing. For Neither Assisi or Frontiers mean one iota in our lives, in any life.

Like Merton your cop out with the usual politically correct excuse of-- God. Sound so spiritual, so introspective, so lame. I don`t think non of you holy men are holy at all--God is the excuse for your inadequacies, as was Merton's. He as well as you said-"I could never imagine myself being loved or love"--in fact one of his books is titled "Learning to Love". God--you men of intelligence are all mad. As they say there is a fine line between madness and genius. Maybe it is all the writing, the mental pre-occupation with all the psychological stuff that drives you over the edge. All of you when loved--or love can`t handle it and hide behind God or this spiritual life. As in your case, as well as Merton it is --Mary or whoever the Divine Feminine is "du jour".

 Now is this normal behaviour? An expression of coping well in and with life? No.  Did Merton die happy though world acclaimed? Did Fr. Ralph? No they all died with regrets--after getting the fame and acclamation from the world. Their ambition actually did them in--and almost destroying the woman who loved them completely. Yes--I too would walk that path were we living in the same city--that is why I don`t want to meet--I do not want to be totally consumed by your fire. Their own vanity, self centredness, self interest, being completely self absorbed and raging egoism--as it does you. Vanity as I have said--is one of the deadly sins--you were destroyed by that comment when I said it. But--the truth always hurts.

As with Merton--God told him to be silent--was he? Are you? Do you listen to God? No--you fight Him day in and day out and wield you sword against Him when you are mad. Well--you are simply a man and shall never beat God even though you want Lucifer to help you. This is the way it is--shortcomings, inadequacies and being ill equipped at handling the reality of the life. Incapable in handling the real world--hiding somewhere--in cloisters, hermitages and monasteries instead of facing the stark reality--acknowledging that life- especially love is hard work.

Yes-- I see far too clearly, even more so since I have gotten more into Merton. Yes--he made me depressed to some degree for I realized the truth, or rather accepted it which I have always known. But as did M, or Meggie-- as I too, we  cannot stop loving. I cannot ever stop loving you no matter what you do--that is the curse.  We are mesmerized, bewitched and transformed by men like you. Maybe it is the words--and no action bit. We are emotional and generally turned on not by the sex, but by the heart. That is our deadly weakness. We cannot escape no matter how hard we try, how well we fight. We are captured for good, and are captivated like a moth is attracted to light--in fact to that which kills it. And you all know it far too well--see the weakness and revel in it for it gives you strength in the face of all adversity. Yes all you holy men of God--you destroy love. You kill one`s who love you. You forsake when you need to step up. You leave when you need to protect. You run when you have to fight--all in the name of God and the spiritual life.

This is really why I decided to open this addendum--I had to have a voice somewhere--let out my frustrations, my feelings and vent. My painful soul that is crying buckets of tears at times. I have no idea what to say, what to do. I have no idea what you actually need. What you want of me, if anything at all. I would so much want to know your internal life--all I know are the love letters you write--but spiritually where you are at I am in total darkness. But I really needed to put down some thought of how and what I feel.

Now--well you are totally have vanished, off the radar. Where are You?