What I have learnt

There are many way choosing walking through fire-especially being human. Frightening, painful but cleansing and releasing. Ego is such a stubborn creature, it conquers us, and prevents us from seeing the truth. In the past number of weeks, I have taken many steps forward-listening, thinking and coming to numerous conclusions about our humanity, about life. I have always have had an open mind to spirituality-and I see that spirituality is far lacking in most religions-which is simply a “way pointer” for man. Everything is a matter of faith- science would say it is theory, for we do not know really. In truth, creation  is beyond understanding and far beyond complication  for the human mind. Will we ever know-I doubt it only when we transcend this human sphere....maybe.

Religion does not exist as a precursor to entry into the heart of the Divine. I am listening to a number of so called “religious” leaders, and they all so off track-all blowing their own horn, yet no one knows the truth - especially whom the Creator is. Neither do we know the intention of our Creator, yet they all seem to know. What an illusion.

The Torah is divinely inspired—so say the Jews. The New Testament says that it is the word of Our Lord Jesus-who is the Son of the eternal one God, the Messiah-who is the "Word" and "Saviour"". The Angel Gabriel delivered the exact words of Allah-God to record  to Mohamed.  In Hinduism the supreme being is Bahama Creator, Lord of all of creation-with His millions of different manifestations. There are many more minor and strange faith systems-but who have the truth-or they think they do. All are wrong , and all are right-for we know naught.  God-is a hidden, is deep, is divine , is sacred, is unfathomable  and an eternal mystery. Creation from nothing into something is incomprehensible for the mind to comprehend-but God is incomprehensible. Yet it is. And so it is.

I have dived into the Kabbalah head on, listen daily to 3 world re-known rabbis, - and I have been at it seriously-still I am no wiser-only know more of a few things and have even more questions. Knowing the basics of Kabbalah, of the Zohar, the Hebrew alphabet by heart, understanding the sephirots, their meaning, their function and meaning within creation sounds deep and very spiritual looking in, but it is not. Divine revelation-maybe, but incomprehensible to the human mind.

Understanding the different levels of worlds of creation, different levels of soul-etc. Brings us no closer to understanding of God, no more than the peasant woman in the Andes who goes to Mass each Sunday and believes that Christ is in the sacred Host-which she learnt in Catechism class in her entire education which was grade 3.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, for they are-for they believe and we doubt, as we want proof. They are so much holier than we are, so much closer to God.

We want proof, we need proof, we demand proof of God. Yet-proof is here every second, for creation its self is every moment. God is creating constantly. We are just blinded by our ego-in that sense the Kabbalah is correct. 

So what I have learnt is that I know even less than I thought that I knew. I also know for a fact that God has no favourites, and that we all have a purpose- and non of us are a chosen one-no person, no race, no nation. We are all a spark of God equal and connected -a shattered part of perhaps of Adam Kadmon-the universal soul that was fractured. All part of the Divine nature. He has no favourites, for we are all part of His Divine essence . As the Kabbalah says, states- God is always masculine-the giver, the bestower, we are the feminine-the receiver-together we make up the whole part of one of the Divine Sparks of God, who is All that IS< WAS< EVER WILL BE.

Union of Hearts

I feel that lately since I am doing much work in more of the “upper realms”. Thus it is rather appropriate the way I feel at present to reflect on some of my previous writings, which viewing it on a deeper level- has a totally different meaning today than when I wrote it. The words are the same, but strangely they mean something entirely different. I am seeing many things through totally different eyes of the soul-everyone eventually gets there sooner or later. That point in the heart catches fire-which makes the physical unreal, and one realizes the greater reality of which we are a part of. 

 We have our destiny mapped out by the Creator-the free will is how we choose to get there. I have studied and learned immense amounts in the past couple of months-and I feel I know nothing. But what little I have learnt makes perfect sense. The reason why I am posting excerpts from a piece which I wrote years ago, is because I wrote it without understanding it at a soul level -it was just innate response from my heart. Now -it is dictates of what is termed by the 6^th sense which is more connected to the  “divine light” which explains the “why”.

Written August 15/2013 in closed blog:” Clocks” titled -Union of Hearts.......only a some very small excerpts are re-posted here, not all for some things I said are no longer relevant nor do they exist for me.

~ I seem to be spending more of my free time in reflection lately. I suppose it is sort of a dialogue between my soul and oversoul--we are all different facets of a cube, at times one side is revealed at times another.  This complexity seems to be increasing--be that  because biologically we are getting older, or perhaps the soul is getting to be more "educated"--whatever it is --it is becoming more interesting, perhaps convoluted.The brain had more grey matter if it has more convolutions, it is then more intelligent--so maybe it isn`t entropy that is developing within creation, but increased convolution--as we strive towards more self awareness, self realization and shaking down our ego. This quest for God  at times makes more sense in a pantheistic light at times, rather than a  Christian explanation.  It actually does make a lot of sense.~

And now I actually understand what I really had written, including some of Merton quotes. Spirituality does not exist-we are spirituality, which we are now remembering. It always was and always will be, our existence within the Creator is eternal. We just think we are separated, but we are not. Our ego is very cunning and tricky-and it is the cause of all the suffering , pain and lack of light. The Creator never banished us, the Creator never changed, the Creator is eternal, the Creator is always the same, the Creator is always love-we have changed. As ego grew-and we fell down through those five spiritual worlds (0+4), to which  we have to climb back up to.

~I have to say these are the words of my own heart --from Merton:
"I love the aloneness of the night. In a way I cannot be without you: you are part of my life itself, and of my very loneliness. I know we are together in our hearts. ... To be alone in a solitude that is with you, though without your bodily presence, is certainly a special kind of freedom".~

Merton is right-one feels like that, and one should be honest. Say it all with truth and honesty- doing things merely to tie that person down, it is mere bondage-to keep the other person under any circumstance makes no sense at all.

Actually this is what I should have said were I true to myself all those  years ago I now realize. One thing one should sat to each other : that all our life we will consider each other most faithful, most loving and most special friends, united by a deep and unique bond that was made by God rather than by ourselves. It is on this level that I will always love you, always think of you, always want to know how you are and how things are going with you.

~Thomas Merton wrote; "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone—we find it with another. We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study and calculation in our own isolated meditations. The meaning of our life is a secret that has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love. And if this love is unreal, the secret will not be found, the meaning will never reveal itself, the message will never be decoded. At best, we will receive a scrambled and partial message, one that will deceive and confuse us. We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love–either with another human person or with God".~

Love is not being together physically, but spiritually. I know we have a deep lasting union of hearts within God that we are experiencing together, whether you believe it or not. I am filled with you, as you are with me-and we are filled with God-one is a reflection of the other, all one. I wonder how you feel? This is also the reason why I would not like for you to be here in Toronto, it gives us more freedom. Maybe I lived an illusion of love. Perhaps being a romantic dreamer, but it is how I feel about you, and God. That is why I spend and long for being alone, long for solitude for that is why I spend more time being focused on God, on my own spirit. I feel I am within contemplation continually these days. It seems almost a place more real than this world. Not much interest me of the world these days. I sort of have to be shaken back at times. I want to stay in that separate part from the world, in that next dimension at least one  up.

I want nothing, desire nothing-just "being". Just thinking, praying and thoughts of other times.  I realize I am not crazy, for I only fear that maybe you are a bit more separate now being wherever you are as to when you were in Colorado-you have joined the world more-I hope I am wrong, whereas I have loosened the world more around me a little more. I feel  that we have reversed roles in a way-but that is fine; it all works out in the end. But I know we are one, we are two parts of one soul, no matter what, we shall be united, we are united-as all souls will be eventually united . That is the plan of our Creator.

Awakening of soul

I think we as humans are at this point in creation are all in a state of awakening-I mean everybody. We are however in slightly different degrees of consciousness-some more aware, some a little. But , these are the times of change in every way on the planet. We all know it, we all feel it . As the Chinese proverb says-”When the student is ready, the teacher appears”. We are all ready on our ascent up to the spiritual worlds. Yes, there is more than one. It is not a sudden change, but a gradual process that started around  1989. The Mayans, Hopi Indians and many ancients and sacred writings speak of this. No-it is not the end, on the contrary-the beginning of an entire new life that is enfolding for the whole of humanity. A new paradigm has surfaced-the old is falling away. These are exciting times.

There definitely comes a time in one`s life when new horizons materialize- thus it is for me. There is a spiritual re-birth or rather awakening as one starts to see the light more clearly, and the reasons behind all that “is”. Every soul goes through this, be it an ancient soul, or a young one-the accumulation of knowledge and wisdom of many life times are now being utilized. We are all progressing up the ladder towards eternity, towards  the Creator-to be one with the light, one with God. Now is the moment for many of us as we take our initial steps into the “first” upper spiritual worlds. One`s material life, which was for numerous lifetimes just an exercise in existence only, like treading water, now suddenly seems like its being filled with a new energy. A tiny spark of “something”-which has suddenly caught fire in one`s soul. Its purpose and reason which in the past was deeply hidden, suddenly now seems to have a clear purpose and goal.

This is rather an interesting and frightening phenomena which occurs in us-as we actually see life in panorama- the whole picture. At a certain point in existence the soul gains a certain wisdom and recognizes the actual eternal “truth” . It is perhaps a recognition of contrasts, or maybe similarities within creation and how very much we are one part of a whole -all inter connected. Through shedding parts of the ego a special point in the heart awakens, which in the past was quite indiscernible-and all falls into place. This is really the last gasps of ego-that clings so very much to the material aspect of our being-and there is  a form of death to the idea of “individual separation”. 

Strange-in a blink of an eye, all can change. One could call it “the aha moment”. What was important is no longer is, what one didn`t understand suddenly makes sense, and our daily needs and wants are no longer the priorities. The world seems to be bathed in a different spiritual light to which we were blind to before-which one`s spirit now craves to feel and understand further.

Everything and everyone seems entirely different. The stress of life seems to be washed away and an all encompassing peace envelops one`s whole being. One feels like being in a state of grace filled with entire joy, bliss and happiness. There is a feeling that we are existing within the Creator-not apart but completely one with Him. There arises a deep feeling of connectedness and gratefulness towards all of creation- a feeling of total oneness all filled with light and radiance. There is total love for everything and everyone which seems to spring from a special place from the heart. John O`Donohue calls this feeling ”coming home”.

 I now have come to understand exactly what he was saying. It is said in many spiritual, sacred and esoteric writings that eventually all of humanity-all souls, will go through theses certain steps to reach the upper worlds, one just needs to see with spiritual eyes and hear the voice of the Creator-who is pure love.

Of religion...

Often people who are actually  open to God, are generally the one`s suspected of the most awful crime of hypocrisy. Many within the walls of the Vatican which in a sense is the most terrible thing one can say about  people who love God. Ones who profess to love Him beyond measure. Let me re-iterate-these are the folks who actually commit many crimes against God under cover. What hypocrisy.Why this thought? Because war is raging everywhere and the Pope does nothing.

I would certainly was born a Catholic-that is my religion, however, I am not that. My faith is "God", not believing, but actually "knowing within" without hesitation this truth is my true religion. Thus God under one or thousands or millions of names is God. So, my religion encompasses Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam as well as many other belief systems, including all the mythological beliefs. Who has the truth?  They all do. The sad part is that they all want to divide, not unite and in the name of love for God.

Rumi said it well:

I am  not Christian or Jew or Muslim, not Hindu, Buddhist, Sufi, or Zen. Not any religion or cultural system. I am not from the east or the west, not out of the ocean or up from the ground, not natural or ethereal, not composed of elements at all. I do not exist, am not an entity in this world or the next, did not descend from Adam and Eve or any origin story. My place is the placeless, a trace of the traceless. Neither body or soul. I belong to the beloved, have seen the two worlds as one and that one call to and know, first, last, outer, inner, only that breath breathing human being.

In my apartment I have images of many religions, not as idols but as reminders of God. I say  "I like to keep my bases covered"- all the major and minor ones. God -is- God -is- God--the Alpha and Omega, the Eternal, the Supreme Consciousness, the "ALL" that ever "IS' , "WAS" and "WILL EVER BE".

So what is my point? Apart from this "God" consciousness, well it is a sort of balancing of my mind relating to why I am actually here, or as to my mission which often is very clear, yet at time is a dark abyss which  makes me feel ever so awful  and inconsequential in the scheme of things. True, we are all in a sense rather unimportant, but maybe not. Why? Because each soul was created for a purpose for  God is a purposeful Creator and a reasonable one. However, mostly we do not see the forest from the trees or the trees from the forest it dosn`t mean that there is no divine plan. We are blessed with the nature and grace of God that is what is termed for me as  "His image and likeness". I think some religions confuse this, and take it quite literally.

 I know I seem to be rather confused at times--moment by moment. It is my humanity shining  through, my free will and my war with my ego--whom is a real tough cookie. And a bloody hard adversary at times, one is one`s worst enemy. 

Yes, this is a real problem, especially when I rather expect things- to happen , to be answered to be reciprocated  -which disappoint me greatly.  ......to be continued an an other venue, as I don`t want to get into boiling water.

Life commitments

As I have said so often-that I have committed to a number of things as a daily mission now that I am more master of my own time. Things that I try to make a habit of my daily life, which is not easy as we are so embedded in things from the past-things we have to unlearn that we have been doing since “forever” and try and embark on a new path, as we often have outgrown old ideas-well, maybe not old, but more crystalized ideas, now it is time to change the “crystal lattice” into other forms. Not an easy task, as one often slips back into old habits-like Sisyphus . 

But I have come a long way in so may areas that at times I amaze myself, and other times I get frustrated and at times practice some self-flagellation, but these times have become less and less with time. But, “one step at a time” has become my favorite phrase as it works like magic. Looking at the immediate picture, as the larger picture unfolds-which really is being more present, being more mindful and being more receptive, being more observant. This causes me tremendous joy and happiness-and I just love this stage of my life that is filled with light and grace.

I find that developing rituals work great for me, though I slip at times, overall I keep to it in a journal-it is a visual for me to see how I am doing. I have done this for years, generally as a “new year`s resolution” which often in the past terminated on the 10<sup>th</sup> of January-but the past two years or so, I have been very focused and kept to it mostly. I don`t beat myself up for messing up any more-I take everything one day at a time. Daily affirmations, meditation, contemplation, prayers, mantras, gratefulness, observation, reading a few Rumi quotes  and mindfulness daily really help- plus a lot of actual physical practices really completes the circle for me. 

I have let go of all emotional baggage-I didn`t have much, but even that little I had I have allowed to drift away-and I have no regrets about my life whatsoever. I am doing a lot of research regarding all areas of life-especially life extension that I still share with many of my special patients, friends and family members. Much is out there in science and new technology based-that we can do to remain healthy and defy our chronological age even by changing a few things in our lives. But-one needs to do it-it is a kind of an offering, for no one else will do it for us-and nothing in life that is worth anything comes easy. Living with illness, being dependent, wheelchair bound, mental problems, brain degeneration and depressed is not a plan of mine for the future. It is the quality of life that is important, then one should aspire to at least becoming a centenarian with a purpose, mental clearity, and a well functioning mind-otherwise, it is just a life of suffering.

For years focus was on my family, my patients and the day to day stresses and struggles with life. Life of a “living robot”-would be a great term for it. Now-it is now all about me in every way, and self improvement. Repayment for what I have done? Perhaps, I have always been honest, open, genuine, compassionate, non-judgemental and true always to my words, neither have I broken my promises .  I cling dearly to memories of the past, but do not inhabit those places-just visit at times. I do keep records, messages and mementos, notes of things that are near and dear to me. I press flowers, leaves,-collect  shells, rocks, pebbles, driftwood-they are all special reminders for me of special , or memorable moments that has touched me deeply-be it small or big. I try to write a few words on stones and pebbles often-I have done this for years. Just little things-so I remember for I do believe those are the things that we actually will take with us into our next existence.

I guess I learnt many of all my values from my beloved grandfather, who was a great example of numerous noble virtues regarding life in every way. He had such respect for every aspects of life. I have tried to follow his path mostly in my own life. I have helped thousands of people throughout the years and did everything for my family with love-and with love in mind. I guess it all comes back what one sends out-and I am so blessed and grateful for God allowing me this.

I have a deep connection and reverence regarding-all life. Trees, plants and all types of vegetation and all the various little critters hanging around inside and out. I never throw out if there is still a tiny spark of life in any of our plants, as many are in pots on our three large decks. Their lives matter and are of value -they are sacred and are all a gift. My apartment downstairs is huge, and if filled with some wonderful plants, more so starting in the fall as many come in from the garden,-I give them the choice to live or die-some do as they don`t like living inside though there is a lot of light and a huge glass sliding door with sunlight even streaming in many hours in the afternoon ; even more so in winter than summer. But life is their choice, my mission is to give them a chance to choose. Even they have been given free will-it is up to us to help them exercise that. I am sure that if we do the best we can that is all that God wants-and He will be pleased with that-as Thomas Merton has so eloquently said.

Why did I write all this? Well-to myself really just as a reminder not to slip too much and to remember my mission, commitment and keep me on track. Also, one day when my child and grandchildren will read this with different eyes. They do now, but as time goes by words seem to take on a different meaning and often mean different things as one`s vision regarding life changes.

Historical moment

The other day I was watching the first space walk by two women outside the ISS. The comments were made that this was a huge historical moment for the world. This got me thinking as some questions and thoughts arose in my mind. This is not really so, at all. Isn`t each moment history making-isn`t every action or even non-action  of creation an enormous historical moment, for without that specific action from the least of us changes the world. 

As I walk thought our beautiful forest each morning and I see the fallen decaying moss covered trees lying on the floor of the forest, the colourful falling leaves dancing in the wind, the squirrels scurrying about, the salmon splashing in our river as they swim to their special yearly spawning area. Even all the myriads of stones and pebbles lying at the edge of our river bed, the pieces of driftwood, and the families of loons swimming with their babies makes a monumental difference to the life of not just the forest but to the planet as a whole.Without every blade of grass, every ant, every little green frog, every tiny aphid the world, our planet would be entirely different. They each have an individual mission with the contribution of their lives-be it long or short.

So-everything and everyone is a “historical moment” that leaves its legacy behind, makes its mark -whether we see it or not, it is present never to be erased. Everything single thing in creation- animate and inanimate is a contributor to this magical historical moment which changes us, changes the planet and changes creation. Everything-even the tiny fruit flies whose life span is measured in hours contributes to this mystical experience that we call life. 

Nothing is here for nothing-so then if that is the case, are we not tied into the circle of creation, with no separations. Are we ourselves then not a simple moment of history? Is not then each and every moment a historical moment? And if we accept this then, then is not everything the “Creator”.....or God? Is this not this huge, mystical unfolding or expansion of a creative force-that in essence is us.....are we not then a fragment of God-the “eternal creative force”?

To Lucy-my anam cara!

 
Contigliano, Italy

Life often touches us in the strangest of ways. At times is just a passing moment, that remain for a lifetime, and at times long relationships get forgotten and fade into the mist of the past. Today I was touched by what I call “an eternal moment” by a a friend, whom I never really met, but perhaps we have in some distant time, as is written in many sacred script. It is said that the soul recognizes its counterpart with whom it has spent much of “the eternal moment” somewhere back in time. I so wish to think. As John O`Donohue, the wonderful mystic Irish poet philosopher would say in Gaelic an “anam cara” a soul friend, called Lucy. I don`t have that many-only two on FB, strangely enough they are both Italian.

Long story short of the background and now.....A little while ago I decided to take a break from FB as it was consuming much of my time-not that I ever regret it, for every single one of my registered friends were and are truly special to me. I read each word they had written and answered it, not just with a “like” but a few words of my thoughts. That is why we really post things on FB don`t we? To get acknowledgement, and hope that perhaps what we post others may feel the same emotion about it as we do. That makes everybody feel good. But I decided to disengage a while, not because of not getting a response, but I wanted to say too many things to each special soul, and that took much time as I did not want to make exceptions. Maybe this sounds strange and absolutely crazy but all of us have a small touch of insanity within us...some more than others.

 An other reason was also that I wanted to devote more time to writing my blogs-I have a couple of closed ones, this is the open one that I have had since 2012. Not that I am a great writer, I just write as an expression of the dictates of my soul-and through this I am more conscious of life overall, more mindful at seeing with the eyes of spirit, more connected and brings me much joy. It gives me reasons to contemplate, think and devote more time to more spiritual things which are the real reasons for our existence. Again-not that I am that spiritual, but I hope as an excerpt from Thomas Merton`s prayer says-”My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please You.”

Back to this post...in the here. Yesterday as I was writing a blog you, dear Lucy came to my mind-I actually went on FB to see what was happening in your life -and looked at your latest pictures, the posts, that are now mostly in Italian. All the photos of the family are just wonderful, and Joe looks great. You look as beautiful, happy and sweet as ever-never aged a day through the years as I see it. You just glow and radiate a light of deep joy. The little ones-the little future stars, are just gorgeous. You can be real proud to have such a beautiful, loving family. You are truly blessed all around in every way even in what you are doing-loving tennis. That is a special gift from God. Your little town looks as magical as ever-and I know you are so in love with it as you post so many awesome photos of it. But you are right-one can fall in love with such a place with such history and magic. 

So.... lo and behold, today I received a beautiful pink rose from you-and some soul touching words. It is never the quantity of anything but the quality and the emotions it evokes,  How is this possible? Who knows God works in mysterious ways-He is the true “alchemist of souls”. 

Thank you my dearest “anam cara”, my soul friend Lucy. I am humbled and deeply touched that you have thought of me. The ties of spirit are deep indeed, which is love-"agape" which is not romantic love, but love of spirit.  which has no distance nor concept of time. We have no idea how the heart and soul work, but through reminders like these events we are reminded that there is more to life than what we actually see. We are also reminded that some of the most important connections are invisible only seen through eyes of the soul. 

Be always blessed my "anam cara"  with all that is positive, may God keep you and your family safe always and may the happiest days of your life lie just ahead of you. May joy, peace and love of Our Lord and Blessed Mother embrace you always . Thank you for your kindness, thoughtfulness and love. I appreciate it more than you can ever imagine! 

Love and light to you, and all the best to your family- Namaste....Suzanne

You are welcome to my blog anytime, or pass it along....I have many people all around the world reading it -I hope you shall be one of them also.