Seeing the light #70

Yes-haven`t been here a while, though I have been here in spirit. Much has transpired, yet still it is the same old, same old--the human soul, spirit is fickle. But this time I have no regrets, no apologies , no self blame. I did nothing-to beget this behavior, thus it has to be -it must be. I certainly did not deserve this -but each his own. Some people are incapable of love, they try but the feelings aren`t there-some neither feel that they are capable to love or be loved.

I honestly thought that once we had a second chance, we would never face this again--as there are no more chances, so we shall carry on in an other dimension which has been pre-determined, but not in this world.

Strange, I hardly think of you these days at all, yet it only has been a few weeks, yet you seem far away almost like a dream--maybe at long last I understand, or rather my heart does that for you words are merely words, not emotions-sad. The thing is that after a while it haunts us--all the would haves should haves and we never find peace.

I now understand the letters to Naomi, every word-and rather well. I didn`t for a long time--for one often read people as one thinks and feels. Those letters should have been a warning--when the same words are repeated to an other person; and oh how many more?? No-a tiger cannot change its stripes.

I feel sorry so very for you, for you shall never have a relationship, neither shall you be loved the way you were-- for to be loved you also have to love your self, be honest and sincere--words are cheap, dime a dozen so it seems from your pen.

But, no matter I have learnt my lesson well this time-my beloved friend.

..and more #69

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 What can I say,what should I say--I am happy.

The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness. But it does not matter much because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things, or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there.


I am in a most peculiar place lately--at a serene place--a "here" space that is unique and entirely satisfying. I need nothing. I feel no guilt, no sin, no blame and no need for assurance--I know love and know I am loved. I know all, I understand  my life and I  understand God--I am so very grateful for the knowledge, wisdom an insight that I have been blessed with. Love--is all there is. I rest in it. I revel in it. I find freedom in it.

As for communication--it is all in the heart, soul, spirit and mind. Words are only necessary for the one who needs assurance, who is unsure, who vacillates and who does not know God. I rest within the silence of God, in all that is --which is God, whom is God.





 

No fear

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What is there to say--

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

Lately so much has changed in my heart--I can truthfully confess that I am at peace, I have no need for anything--I know where I am, where I am going and how I feel I feel no burden, guilt or blame for anything--I love .





 

By our fruit #68

Sometimes loving you is real hard. Why? Because I miss you so very much, your physical presence as I said this morning. To be able just to discuss things with you, or nothing at all. At times we seem to be just communicating through "haiku" -which is fine, but one at times need the physical warmth, the presence and the energy of the other. Now--will that ever happen? Who knows , as we cannot predict the future and God works in mysterious ways.

Though it has been said-being away from the physical gives much more depth to a relationship, as one can just concentrate on the mental and emotional connection--exploring  soul and spirit in more  depth. Probably true--but being that philosophical is not easy for a mere "garden variety human" as myself. I have no idea how you actually feel about this-we have never discussed it, and then how can we without actually talking about it. But maybe we shall soon--I know.

Our relationship is rather unconventional--now is that good? Bad? I guess whatever actually works for us--if it brings love forth then it is the "will of God". For God is love, we are love personified. This sounds rather sentimental--maybe even a bit cheesy, but this is the way it is for me anyway. God is very active in my life, in our life--so I would tend to think it is what He wants us to do, wants us to be as we are. I am most aware of this--I wonder how you feel?

Why this strange manifestation of our life? I would tend only to guess--for I can`t exactly know the mind of God, --but I would venture to think it is to get to know Him in a deeper way. It is through an other that one gets to know God, see God in them and experience His love. That is how we learn what love actually is, though His love is far deeper than we could ever journey in this world.

The truth is --at this point I cannot imagine my life without you, as I cannot imagine my life without God--so perhaps it is one and the same thing, though one is soul manifestation the other is the physical manifestation of God in my life, in our life. Am I far pre-occupied with God, with us? I don`t think so--for there is nothing else really but this, this is the purpose of existence, the reason for our lives. So then, how could it not be the most important thing?

Someone once said, I can`t remember the exact quote, but this is close " the most productive and important time of the day is the early morning when we pray and commune with God--or we do absolutely nothing. It matters not now good one is in doing  one`s work, it is that time of contemplation, that time that is really of consequence to the soul, to spirit".

Really it is not easy being  a thinking human--for the more one thinks the more one delves into the spiritual and that is a difficult exercise for the heart and mind. The term "ignorance is bliss" is rather an apt term in describing aspects of  life. Now, I know that God has a plan for all of us, and we are always steered onto the correct road if we allow God`s guidance, allow Him manifesting in our lives--so this must be it for us. This is our class room--being close, yet miles apart. Will that change to some degree--absolutely, for everything does, but seeds of the spirit we have sown and yes--we are growing those fruits most definitely--and "we shall be known by our fruits" so said Our Lord.

Matthew 7:15-20

You Will Know Them by Their Fruits

¹⁵ “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. ¹⁶ You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

Heaven #67

Rumi`s time, I adore this time, quiet, just the wind in the trees, the breeze blowing in through the wind caressing my face as I write here in the dark-- it is these times I feel God`s presence and your presence. I wish I could be awake in it more often, I don`t want this night to end. God, I wish I was more proficient in the English language as to express myself. But this will have to do--it is what is in the heart that counts.

For the past 10 days I have been feeling great by making some changes, more so committing to certain things, more so to myself. I suppose there is much to the saying "One has to love ones self before anyone else can love one" .I think at this point in my life I have come to the conclusion that , I have to do things now-if I want to make a few waves in life. So it is certainly going well, but then "change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change" is a good rule to live by.

I love this time-it is the quietest and I feel much more tuned into God, tuned into myself-if there is such a thing. All changes-but just the other day I thought, one thing that doesn't really change is the "change of seasons"-we have all four regularly with some slight change, but still-they are present. And of course -family, but above all God.

The other day I asked you -if you think there is a heaven. Well-once you said--what sweet , moving words-"If I could find you in heaven, how could I not find you in Canada? " I think that was the very moment I fell in love with you, with your heart, with your soul. So it must have occurred to you or occurs to you often. But now, I am still waiting for an answer.

God is very present everywhere, though I haven`t actually caught Him in action--but, if we believe that we are within God, and God is not within us, then no wonder--for than we are God`s very essence. We are the stuff God is made of, and yet at times I doubt. I don`t doubt God at all-ever, but more so the after life-or heaven. Strange, because the two should go together, but they don`t for me.

I read the other day that heaven starts here-we are present in it, as we have a glimpse of it by looking at a field of wilds flower, bees making love in the sunlight, observing a beautiful sunset --all the magic of creation is the beginning perhaps -as we become aware, totally alive to it, see for the first time the wonders.

I remember a most wondrous sight-- we were driving back from Chitzen Itza to Cancun it was about 10pm-we stopped and got out of the car. It was pitch black, the night was filled with the singing of crickets. I looked up at the sky it was filled with millions of sparkling stars--I had never seen so many, it was just a  magical sight that I have never had since. Now that was a glimpse of heaven.

I remember an other time most vividly-we were on a small boat off the coast of Trinidad, down by the islands--off Mayaro. We could see the coastline of the island and all the thousands of palm trees lining the beach, the sun was shinning, the sea was a brilliant turquoise blue, the air warm , salt with a gentle breeze--Oliver and Laura were with me on that trip--As we were gazing at the island-Oliver who was 14 at the time suddenly in a soft voice said "this must me paradise". Now how wonderful was that? Yes--we had a glimpse of paradise. Yes moments-but is there an actual physical heaven? Or this is it--create heaven for ourselves with recognition of such moments. I truly don`t know. I wish I would have the faith to believe with all of my heart.

But then there are other manifestations of heaven-like the words of some of your card, they  are all beautiful but some do have more of an impact. There are many, but this one is the top which for me is the most moving when you said on my birthday "to love an angel" that is heaven. Now after that. how could I not love you? Even though at times I maybe upset all I have to do is think of these word of yours  and all dissipates. Now--I truly don`t love you simple because of all the magical words you say to me, but it does provide for the thread that binds us more together--I simply love you for your heart and just for you. I din`t need to be with you I for some unearthly reason it is like this--it is God`s way.

I suppose the thought that " we shall be together in heaven" sounds quite applicable to us, otherwise it makes no sense at all, and God knows what He is doing. All is God`s will and we are following it. As for heaven now--is thinking of you and knowing you are thinking of me, I know you are dreaming of us. That gives  me such sense of peace, tranquillity--and feeling of such extreme love,--I am experiencing the presence of God in my life through you. I suppose that is what love is.

Existing in love #66

Human nature is most strange, especially when it comes to love.

 I read somewhere once, that has stayed in my head,--well the major important  points anyway. It is my translation of it-can`t even remember its origin--where it comes from, or who wrote it, but it did have a profound impression on me.

To love another as a person we must begin by granting them their own autonomy, freedom and identity as a person in every way. Allowing them to be themselves, not what we desire them to be but whom they chose to be in every way. However if we agree disingenuously with each word they say, every action they take or beliefs that they may hold is contrary to love. This is action is born out of fear for them leaving us, deep fear of abandonment, thus we become  prisoners of love. This is a form of slavery for both the lover and the loved--for it is completely insincere and dishonest.

 We should love them for what they are unto themselves, not what they are to us-- for their own good, not for our good, for their own beliefs not for our own. If we really love them, our love should transform us into the other person--seeing what they see, feel what they feel, experience the realities of their life as they do with all sincerity as if it was our very own. We should not want the person to change--but we have to be able to transform ourselves into them entirely,-encompass all that they are, but remaining true to ourselves,-true to our own life at the same time in all its completeness. This is what existing in love is.

Two becoming one, yet-being more than the sum of the two. Sort of having one wing when we are alone, just hopping around on the ground and in the presence of love, one suddenly has two wings and thus is able to fly, to soar to incredible heights.

Such transformation demands sacrifice,--of  acceptance, of surrender, of selflessness, of understanding and of letting go of ego--for without them genuine love is impossible.








 

Spaced out mystery-bizarre #65

This happened August 7/13-I posted it here then I took it off and posted it in the other section, but I think it needs to be here. A I sort of touched on it in my letter of yesterday, and this sensation is still happening, though not as strongly as on that day. It comes in some milder form. In truth I have no idea what happened then, and other times.

A most Bizarre Day:

Some days one wants to say so much that nothing comes out--this is one of those days. It has been the most strange and weird day in my entire life. Like what Alice felt as she stepped though the looking glass. I was totally spaced out, like I was elsewhere--still has that feel . No drugs or alcohol, I had none- that created this-started this morning, I just couldn`t think straight at all--couldn`t remember anything--I was almost disassociated from my self. Maybe it is chanting the "Maha Mantra" that has done this, so I think I shall slow down a bit. I can`t think what else it could be--but everything seems to be distant, like it is happening to someone else. Yesterday seems like years ago, this morning months ago--and even now I can`t remember much. Awfully weird--frightening I have never experienced this ever before. Time feels strange--and distant. That what it  feels like-- very bizarre. I am still in that zone-it is eerie. It is not a great feeling at all.

I can`t remember this morning--or very little of today in fact. Like I can`t  think straight--I am wondering if I shall dream anything tonight . Generally my dreams are very odd often--non--connected and very short ---and I cant remember them either.

Come to think of it, I feel I am in this trance, probably I am--this is not good when one is alone, I don`t think that I shall carry on tonight. I think that is why they say--you have to go slow. I really think that the mantra has everything to do with it.  I  feel like am totally drunk at this point, I swear I haven`t had anything to drink-I am too frightened to do so at this point anyway--It is now 12.20am--.This has had to be the strangest day in my life regarding this experience.

Now--the point is what do I do next? Everything feels distorted and far away. Maybe this is just a new experience for me--though I have tried to deep mediate, soul-travel and do self hypnosis--it never really worked, or very little. I was always present and conscious--now I seem to be elsewhere. Really the way it feels that I am totally disassociated. Like I look at my hands and they are not mine--I shan`t look in the mirror at this point....for it may be a stranger staring back at me. 

I can`t remember anything --I can`t even remember posting anything, I faintly remember writing to you--nothing else. All foreign and very distant--I am a bit scared. This is just the opposite as what I wanted to experience--I wanted to experience more of the "now" that Tolle is always talking about, this is more of being away.

A few days ago--I was in this "contemplative" phase, not I am out there and it is very unique. I remember feeling like this once--when years ago I tried LSD--that too frightened me. Maybe it was because Leary always said you have to be guided through the experience--otherwise you will have a bad trip. Well--at the time it wasn`t great as it frightened me a bit--as this is now. Especially that I am alone here by myself.

What do I feel right now--an awful sadness, my heart and eyes are filled with tears--.Why? I have no idea. For what I have no idea either--maybe just at life. maybe this is a bad trip--and I shouldn`t have embarked on it alone. I think--you wrote a card yesterday. I can`t remember what you said--I know it was something nice. Now every part of me seems to be pulsing--I really have no idea where all this is leading, if anywhere. I wanted to take a pill to sleep a while back, but I don`t think I should for maybe that will make things worse.

I feel all lost floating out there in space--maybe I should listen to some Leonard Cohen--he always makes me feel good, but even my head is spinning at the moment. Thoughts all scrambled--in a blender of sorts. I would like to hear something, see something but all I get is a big muddle and a whole lot of noise. Nothing is clear nothing is in focus and nothing makes sense--especially time right now. Like the song--"Far from me"--from  the album "brothers in arms" of Dire Straits. This what is called as being "spaced out". My fingers are throbbing and my whole system is buzzing as if filled with electricity--probably is.

Come to think of it maybe it wasn`t the mantra, but the fume of the bleach I used today to clean this morning--it was very strong--that is probably what is doing this to my brain. Because--straight after is when I started going downhill--or up hill--depends where you are looking at this aspect from. Yeah--probably, well that what sniffing glue does--dosn`t it? I have never done that--but maybe  that is what they call "high" --maybe I am flying high--or low on bleach--not on the "Maha Mantra". Now--this is real funny--actually I am laughing silly here. Actually my hands still smell of bleach--and I have some in a bucket still in the kitchen. I think I feel better now, that it is not some supernatural event taking hold of me but chloride fumes.

Now I know what they mean about talking things through--even if I am talking to myself--and that is the first sign of madness--probably that is how it started with Vincent initially-- :-)

I am also starving here right now --I have to find something to eat this very moment. Not much in the fridge--maybe something. It is after 1am now--but my head should be clearing, I shall empty the bucket in the kitchen as probably it is still fuelling my brain full of toxins. Mind you--I do like the smell--so does Felix, he goes mad for it. He gets spaced out from it totally. That should have keyed me in-...what an idiot I am. Okay--mystery solved. I feel so very much better now. Now I go, eat relax and be merry.

As Mr.Spock always says:" All is very logical"--we only create mysteries. There is none.