Beatitudes #9

As for us my darling--yes we can say we have truly loved, but just as important, maybe even more important  were loved. Well, I hope  all in the present tense for still a long time to come still for us, I hope! Probably to some all may seem very soppy, cheesy --but all that matters is how we feel. Often the reaction from strangers , people is due to either their  lack of depth of spirit, a small heart but more so than not being happy and frustrated with their own lives--and often being jealous of one`s who seem happy.  When an other is unhappy, it makes them feel better and justifies their unhappiness and inadequacies.

Happiness is momentary often, but the memories , the feelings are stamped onto the heart through which we grow --strange, the other day Jesus `-- "Sermon on the mount " came to mind for many reasons regarding you--The Beatitudes--- especially the situation of Kai and the way you are with her, the way you feel for her. She is blessed to have you, as you are blessed to have her and the children.

I tell you this now from the depths of my heart with all sincerity-- Remember no matter what happens--no matter what or how it seems  always take her side in face of the world--what you tell her behind close doors, between the two of you is  a different story, no matter how a good friend Luis is to you even if you are convinced that he is right . Your sister is your sister--he is just your brother-in-law.

• Blessed are the poor in spirit ( for me this means gentle)  for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
• Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.
• Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
• Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
• Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.
• Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
• Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

You see  sweetheart God`s mission comes in strange guises--this one is yours. Dosn`t matter if your congregation is one  soul or one thousand or tens of thousands--all is just as important.

I love you baby--you`re in my heart, you`re in  my soul. And your are "Blessed".

I did it my way! #8

I haven`t been here lately, but seeing that you have mentioned it I thought it is time to convey some thoughts from my heart. Strange as it may seem we are often led to things that we need to know, need to learn or need to experience. This does not mean that the person who is  the source or from who the information stems has superior insight  into something, it just tells us that we all have the information to everything when we remember the password to access our internal computer. So nobody is superior nor inferior in this respect.

 

As you wrote about the situation in your family it reminded me of mine--not at the moment, but in the past. The human condition is so predictable, the same in fact dressed in different versions, namely just the manes and places change for each person on earth.

 

I loved my parents dearly--I had a great childhood, except that my parents had a miserable marriage. Well my mom sort of married for convenience because of the the war. My father was 10 years older, seemed stable, a mechanical engineer from an important titled family--she was just out of Teachers College at 19 she married him.  It was a disaster from the start--my father was abusive for he was insanely jealous. He loved her, in his way so did she, but she was not in love with him. He wasn`t a romantic type at all, and all she wanted was some tenderness, warmth, to be cherished and loved in a demonstrable way. So, she was always unhappy and desperately seeking for love in her heart.

A few years after  the war they moved into a room in a house outside of Budapest--things were hard then, no accommodation and life was difficult, --where she met my biologic father--he was 23 at 2nd year university student , studying architecture,  he was also 23 . His parents owned the house--they fell in love.  This went on for months--there was never anything sexual between them, just love. I have no idea whether my father knew- or not--he was working in town. Lorant, that was his name,  wanted to marry my mother  badly, but his parents would not hear of it and would not allow their son to marry a divorced woman-as they were of this high and mighty '"Magyar noble class" family which was of great importance at the time, and more so what people would say. His mother one day said that she would rather see her son in a coffin than being married to my mother.
 

They adored each other--well to this day they do. On her birthday--the only one time he gave her a wedding ring--engraved with the date of that day, her  birthday,  vowing he would marry her as soon as he would graduate--incidentally the ring is now on my finger--and on that day they , the only time ever, they slept together. Lo and behold I was conceived. 

Soon after, as all changes, so did their life--and their lives went in separate directions. They moved out, bought a house and they stopped seeing each other--though it shouldn`t have, but protocol dictated the future. Plus I was there--the great secret to be hidden....LOL. And so it was. They should have followed their hearts--I know them both rather well, they would still be together for they were truly twin flames and they met up year after year for decades--always reminded me of the Neil Simon play "Same time next year".

 

She had an "ok "life with my father, but an unhappy one --and much physical and verbal abuse. She always yearned  to be loved. She could have even tolerated those times if it would have been balanced with the thing she needed most--a physical demonstration of love which is what she wanted, needed but did not get from him. Not sex--love has nothing to do with sex--neither money, one always manages to have enough as not to starve.  She wanted to leave him many times--but I pleaded and begged her not to even when I was 15. So she didin`t for my sake, this is a fact not my imagination --now I am sorry, and I do feel guilty. I should have encouraged her to leave and follow her heart, follow love--there is nothing else that is more important

Why am I telling you all this? Well--that , were I as insightful of life as I am now, I would have advised her to leave my father and follow her heart for life is far too short-- regrets, would have, should haves, could haves are very painful to live with. One cannot undo the past, but one can change the future--maybe to a worst one , but then at least one can say that one has tried --and that it was "my choice", not being forced to stay in a miserable relationship or whatever the situation is--. If it is not good, it needs radical change while there is time.

You see sweetheart--we can only judge all from our own perspective--but we really have to walk in the other`s moccasin to be able to know,  feel and see through their eyes. What maybe important for me, may not be important for an other--we are individuals in all respects. All one can be is support , allow, encourage to make each one whom we love make their  own choices, own decisions--advice is a dangerous prospect.

 

Sometimes things have progressed to a point of beyond return and no matter how one push and pulls things will never be the same. Life is far too short to spend it in unhappiness willingly--there is still much other causes for unhappiness along the way that we have no control over --so should at least change the ones we do have control over. We can never blame anyone for the outcome of our lives, only ourselves--no matter how it seems, it is always our own doing. It is easy always to blame others, circumstance and various life paths--but in reality we are where we are because of our own choices.

Now- the most important question is--do we love the individual with all our heart, all our soul and all our being? Then there is a future for sure, and worth fighting for till your last breath--but if even if there is a small doubt in any area, then there is trouble and often insurmountable. This is what my grandfather called "the last spark which has died out". Martyrdom if far too overvalued--in reality has far too little value.

 

We all have faults and all sorts of imperfection-- but it depends what we can live with, which is as individual as each  snow flake. But the bottom line is--if it makes one unhappy, frustrated, angry, depressed or irritated--no matter how it hurts it needs to be changed. Never ever imagine that one can change the person nor the situation  that causes one grief, - therapy will not make things right, neither will God send his choir of angels to intervene. Yes, God will change it if one is  willing to ask , but above all listen to his instructions that  he whispers to the heart  and do the hard work of cutting the strings- is very painful-which at times our ego will oppose most doggedly.

The past is past, waste of time re-visiting it, lamenting over it--all we have that we can is look towards the future, that is the only avenue for change--for the better or for worse, but we can  all do it.  Then--whether it turns out to be a tragedy or comedy or a horror story--we shall have no regrets for we can say in the end " I did it my way"--mostly I did it for love not only for an other , but mostly for love of myself --for we are all alone on this earth, as individuals finding our true selves,  Yes--as well as our other half--never forget!

I really do not know what is going on with Kai for I don`t know the entire story--but my heart feels for her, that is why I told my family`s story  and how I feel about life in general. For me  love is very important and family, but sometimes in a marriage things have to change--it is often better when the children are smaller if all has been tried and nothing works. all I know that my mom should have changed her life. I hope it works out though for Kai, you and the children--I pray for her and your whole family for  times like these are awfully hard especially when there are 3 small children--but you darling are a "God send"--truly and  an enormous blessing!

But then --were you not like this , I probably would not love you the way I do, for I know your heart and soul!

I love you baby!

Beauty and love #7

Here is a rather interesting question that I propose. Lets say, there were no mirrors in the world, one could not see oneself, neither did one know or have comprehension of age or the movement of time. Would one feel age? Especially if one was healthy, but had no idea of how one looks . Generally we often look at our face in the mirror and that is how we generally make the assumption if we look good or bad or aging.

Today everything is based on physical looks, beauty as ages pass are often changing--all one needs to look at is what was beautiful to Botticelli or to Michelangelo or  to Bouguereau. Now, of course much of perfection was within the ideal of the Greeks and Romans that brought it to us in the first place to some degree , all we need to do is look at their art. but, I am not really talking of beauty here, but the idea of how we feel, and how we would feel if there were no mirrors. Now this concept goes for both female and male genders, it chooses not. Men are just as vulnerable to this notion, studies show often more than women today.

Would the idea of yourself change with time, were we not aware of time, or of growing old. Would we  have the concept of growing old had we no clues given? How about if we were all blind? Would it change our concept of each other, and more so would it change the concept of our ourselves?  Would we feel the same, providing we had no physical problems? Many elderly people  are healthier that ones who are years younger--what is age then? Or the feeling of age. Is it the belief that we feel about the passing of the years, or looking into the mirror--were all those things not present would we age slower, feel better.

Ask any octogenarian--they feel inside exactly as they did years ago when they were young--what gives them the sense of age is the visage staring themselves back from the mirror. It that what ages us--our actual own belief? Or the world telling us exactly how we should look?

If age is getting old--then why do we still feel the same, well most of us, to the very end. Of course there are always exception--there are 28 year olds that are like 82 and 82 year old that are like 28. Believe me this is a fact--I have come across a few. Is it then all in the mind, and the one`s that the world cannot entangle, or trap into the web are the one`s who feel better and do not feel their age?

Is this not perhaps proof that the soul is present, that there is actually something there that is ageless, timeless.  And that we should actually concentrate on not allowing the outside world into our inner world to corrupt our own sense of being, our own vision of ourselves and our own value of our self.

That perhaps if we could overcome the actual message of our mirrors, we would perhaps feel better, age slower and be more happy. Maybe if we do not believe what is present in the looking glass for it may simply be a trick of the visible universe that keeps hounding us doggedly expressing its own version and vision  of beauty, which in the eyes of the world is, youth and  thinness for women and muscularity  and the washboard abs for men for men.

True--we need the physical attraction  for reproduction to propagate the species, but is that real love or merely the laws of nature so that we don`t die out.  but being attracted physically is far from love, it has more to do with lust, which I suppose is needed biologically to reproduce. But the two are seldom present together--Very rarely.  That is why in my mind relationships fail, marriages disintegrate and love is non existent, for most of these relationships are propelled by a biologic urge  on passing on our genes to the next generation, nothing to do with love.

Yet youth has no experience, little world vision and little experience nor wisdom. That comes with age--yet age is put down and is shunned, apart from a few eastern culture--major ones being China,
Japan and India where old age, white hair is honored, revered and respected. It is sign of wisdom, experience and knowledge.  Hardly in the west. The elderly are put away and sent out on an ice float and sent off  into the ocean, as with the Inuit. Sad.

Why do they say--beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Does the beloved present a different appearance to its lover than to the rest of the world? Why? If this is so--then what is reality anyway? What is the real picture? Above all what really matters?

If we lived in a world without light, without eyes, without mirrors to reflect our appearance--would we always feel the same as we did-- through the years?

When my grandmother was 87, she always said she always thought and felt the same as she always did--ever since she could remember. And she was terrible happy to the end.  It is only the world that tells us  that we are old, and we believe it, and thus we are. It is not sickness either, because there are millions of sick young people as well as old--so then, I have to agree with the saying "one is as old as one feels"--which in the light of all this is rather a true statement.  It is the world that tells us whom and what we are --and we believe it. Why?

The bottom line is--it is all in the mind, and we should not listen to the world if we want to be happy. We do not have to satisfy the world, for it dosn`t care about us one bit, just makes our lives miserable--so all we have to do is live according to that which makes us happy. We only have to satisfy our heart--and our life, for we only have one. The concept of beauty has changed throughout the ages, and it will keep changing, so why cause grief to oneself for the satisfaction of the world, that couldn`t care in the least anyway?

Many fairy tales are metaphors of life, and many have stories where there are unusual stories of very deep love. Now when the princess kissed the frog and fell in love, and beauty fell in love with the beast, did they actually chang into tha beautiful princee, or did they simply transform through the power of love  in the eyes, in the  hearts  of the lover regarding their beloved? Something to ponder. Love changes everything--

"Love, love changes everything,
hands and faces, earth and sky
Love, love changes everything,
How you live and how you die
Love, can make the summer fly,
Or a night seem like a lifetime
Yes love, love changes everything,
Now I tremble at your name
Nothing in the world will ever be the same"

Yes--love changes everything for sure!

So forget the mirrors, forget the magazines and forget all the people who live off  the profit by making the majority of the world miserable as they are the "deciders", the authority of what is beautiful and what is not in the world.  Beauty, age  is an abstraction-- real beauty lies in the heart. As my cousin so profoundly has said about his wife, "I fell in love with her soul"

What does one fall in love with--youth, beauty, age or soul ? I wonder. I know my choice. But Cicukam I am the eternal romantic, aren`t I? For me all is based on love--I woudn`t have it any other way, never have.

Matters of confusion #6

 


For some reason I seem to be more and more fractured--what I mean is broken into different parts. I don`t mean this in the romantic sense at all but actual physicality as things are transpiring.

 What do I mean really? Let me explain,--well now I have this space "D-Dragonsoul" to write which is-- the physical present, I have the "Q-Quetzal"-space which is simply your past cards, the "Z", which are  my past cards,  then I have the " F-Fektiovercome "space, which is the 5th dimensional  "divine" the "O"which are conversations of our over souls the 4th dimensional futures, then there is "B", the latest, which are the special  messages from Our Blessed Mother the latest from the spiritual realm as for dimension She hasn`t said but I haven`t asked either. Though She has been speaking for years, I haven`t kept a record--only one or two. I guess, that is how it had to be. I always leave it in Her Holy Hands. "O" and "B" and "Z", its names still unrevealed to you. No, it is not O, for Oliver at all..at all, neither is Z for Zsuzsa . Though O does have to do with Light. One day soon, real soon all shall come into being.

Now if we carry on in this fashion,  I shall have an entire musical scale as in numbers not in notes as there are no O neither Q nor Z in this dimension anyway maybe in an other. Strangely enough I am not in the least confused and actually know when to write where. Now  is that weird or what? I suppose when there are directions from elsewhere it is not that difficult to manage. At least the nights are long or |I simply would run out of time as strange as it may seem but I have to work.

Now- for the sake of sanity clarity and order  --we have:  B, D, F, O, Q, Z--one more and we have almost a whole scale well in number that is. Rather comical if it wasn`t ever so serious. Neither am I confused one bit. It`s like reading different books within the same present but at different times.

The message and the intent are different within in each--it is like when one studies different subjects but they all add up as to general intelligence and knowledge of one. Strangely before I almost never read them now I am starting to re-visit them. Some seem like a foreign language. Some  rather new hardly unimaginable that I had written them. Well in truth I haven`t --Strange feeling.

Yes--there is one more in my mind that needs a voice--that will be "?". It will be a fascinating one it is just germinating--this one shall very interesting I am told. As with everything it has to come into its own time. It is being formulated but it is on its way.

Csodaszarvas #5

 Never say never, neither should one make promises one cannot keep. Well, I am referring strictly to myself in this instance. I said I would not write here any more, and here I am back like a bad penny.

 Was last night a coincidence or synchronicity? Divine intervention? My vivid imagination? Was the message regarding the"csodaszarvas" in fact to be taken seriously, literally or figuratively--is it to be considered real?  Is it the wake up call to remember. Or am I going entirely mad. 

Does the term the  "seed of Nimrod" have been activated--make sense? The message haunts me deeply.  I have to read it a few more times to sink in, for it is the most profound message I have ever received, though they seem to be getting more to the point lately.  What actually amazes me is the relevance of your connection to it all. I should have known because of our connection, but I had no idea in any other way.  Much to ponder and wonder. Ask if you really want to know.

For what? #4

There is so much I want to say, yet for some inexplicable reason I can`t get the words out. Xerxes tells me to go for it, but my sweet guide is forever on a path to shake me into the so called "reality". Now, that is one thing that is a misnomer, for reality is illusion and illusion is reality. One may seek the answers as to how to open up this box of mystery, if it is that. Write, write, write he eggs me on--into probably a place where I never have been, and never dare to venture. There are all kinds of frightening probabilities there for me--for us, so dare I?

I, as you are a living  breathing bloody contradiction in every conceivable way. We are the conjurers of the mystical, of the magical, of the illusion that we drape ourselves into every single day. You said,

"if nothing has changed what is it for? If all is the same". Well you maybe right there to some degree, for we seem to create this world around us and we chain ourselves to it. No escape, no reprieve , no freedom. We are stuck and the exit is blocked by our materiality, and of course the mirage of love. 

Yes that word--seems to be the end all and be all of creation. But as I see it, it is the song of the Spheres that lures the sailors to their untimely death. Or those enchanting mermaids, the very lure of love, of happiness that can  never be captured, for it is nonexistent. And when we step through the door we realize it is nothing special, there seems to be nothing there, we only realize its value once we no longer posses it. So does it actually exist? How strange is that I ask you? 

Yes--been there done that, all has been said--now what? Well  what`s next? The greener grass, the new hunt, the mysterious adventure that awaits until the mystery is discoveredd, well realized that there is no mystery at all in-fact, just the ordinary, mundane and the boring,-- all a total lie to deceive us. Each human being is walking in the same shoe exactly, no difference at all. That is why the rich are unhappy, the poor are unhappy, the young are unhappy, the old are unhappy--and all are waiting and expecting a miracle of the divine-- with the words, "I am the exception to the rule" Yeah--dream on, you the dreamers of the impossible dreams, fight those windmills to your hearts delight for nothing makes a difference anyway. At least you can say that you have fought those phantoms. Everything is a huge delusion.

That is why the only happy people were the ones that strictly lived in their mind--like Hafiz and Rumi. They have always had their excuses--that being that it is all for "God". Yet, where is God apart from in the heart and mind. We believe totally, yet there is always the uncertainty of "well maybe we are wrong". No wonder you at times get angry at God for not showing himself, you could never catch him in the act no matter how good you were, or how bad for that matter. No matter how much you prayed and no matter how much you raved and ranted or begged--still he remains a huge mystery you could not lure him into the light. 

Grant it he does reveal himself in creation and the exquisite beauty, order and precision of the universe. But what if it is a mere fluke, what if all those atheists are correct--but then what if they are not. Maybe we should live according to Pascals law, or not. Nothing makes sense at all, nothing is correct, nothing is rational and above all nothing is visible apart from the eyes of the soul. Well if there is a soul in the first place, no proof of that at all either way. Probably more so on the "non existent"side.

All and everything seem so hopeless, so useless, so worthless but above all senseless. Then the question arises, why go on? Is there some  rationality of going on, or is it more sensible to end it all, for that is the end anyway. Why prolong the exercise? Well now that you have discovered you new life, well which was always there it just got illuminated let`s say by some human intervention, or maybe some divine intention --but in reality is there a point to all of this honestly? To any life young or old, yet we cling to it with desperation so to experience an other miserable day in the sun, or some days in a blizzard. In the end, there is the end--as some great poet, God knows who said "the dark, cold grave awaits us" Bloody right, it sure is. Yet man yearns for immortality, for eternity --yet non exists, never did, never will only some figment of the imagination that dreams that man is immortal, yet he is dust and unto dust he shall return . This is the truth, this is reality.

Last entry #3

 



Today I have made my last entry  here, into"Dragonsoul" for you--I shall no
longer write here--as I told you last year before I started it, that
I was doing it as a gift for you--it is now finished. I shall not use
this blog spot for anything else. It is now all yours--if ever you
want the pass word, that too can be had. I have taken on my real name
I was given--yours is there amongst the words if you search and desire
it--use it well, --with honor, courage and love. Thus, I too shall be
doing that  from now on. As for Naomi, she will retire from Frontiers,
for I do not want to think that I am lurking. I am under no other
name, though you were under the impression that I was. I removed
myself a long time ago. Check into "Fektiovercome"--the odd time,
there maybe messages there for you, if not --well only you will know.

The new blog will include my days as Naomi, for it is part of my story
of "enlightenment". I am sorry if I offended you, or hurt you or
embarrassed you, that was not my intention.  Neither feel bad for all
that transpired between Naomi and yourself. You were being honest for
a moment, so you think--infatuated with the idea of love. Let this be
a lesson to you that you do not open your heart and soul after knowing
a person for a but a minute--you could be devastated and hurt beyond
measure. People take advantage, it is a cruel world out there in
cyberspace as well as the real world.


I am not offended, neither am I cynical about the happenings, neither
am I making fun of you in any way for being so very gullible. You are
the romantic one, not really I. However,  I am greatly disappointed in
your thoughts romantic as they were, the betrayal above all else
really hurt excruciatingly for a moment--I thought I would die for I
expected far more from you and your commitment to spirit. But it too
passed.  I always held you above all, regarding character, commitment
to spirit and nobility of soul. You were my ,"Indigo Knight" always.
Now I see, I was a mere shadow on the pages that you held so dear, I
was simply a fleeting thought. And you simply were yourself chasing
phantoms.

Be happy my heart I am always near if you need me--all you  ever need
to do is call me and I shall know.
Suzie