I did it my way! #8

I haven`t been here lately, but seeing that you have mentioned it I thought it is time to convey some thoughts from my heart. Strange as it may seem we are often led to things that we need to know, need to learn or need to experience. This does not mean that the person who is  the source or from who the information stems has superior insight  into something, it just tells us that we all have the information to everything when we remember the password to access our internal computer. So nobody is superior nor inferior in this respect.

 

As you wrote about the situation in your family it reminded me of mine--not at the moment, but in the past. The human condition is so predictable, the same in fact dressed in different versions, namely just the manes and places change for each person on earth.

 

I loved my parents dearly--I had a great childhood, except that my parents had a miserable marriage. Well my mom sort of married for convenience because of the the war. My father was 10 years older, seemed stable, a mechanical engineer from an important titled family--she was just out of Teachers College at 19 she married him.  It was a disaster from the start--my father was abusive for he was insanely jealous. He loved her, in his way so did she, but she was not in love with him. He wasn`t a romantic type at all, and all she wanted was some tenderness, warmth, to be cherished and loved in a demonstrable way. So, she was always unhappy and desperately seeking for love in her heart.

A few years after  the war they moved into a room in a house outside of Budapest--things were hard then, no accommodation and life was difficult, --where she met my biologic father--he was 23 at 2nd year university student , studying architecture,  he was also 23 . His parents owned the house--they fell in love.  This went on for months--there was never anything sexual between them, just love. I have no idea whether my father knew- or not--he was working in town. Lorant, that was his name,  wanted to marry my mother  badly, but his parents would not hear of it and would not allow their son to marry a divorced woman-as they were of this high and mighty '"Magyar noble class" family which was of great importance at the time, and more so what people would say. His mother one day said that she would rather see her son in a coffin than being married to my mother.
 

They adored each other--well to this day they do. On her birthday--the only one time he gave her a wedding ring--engraved with the date of that day, her  birthday,  vowing he would marry her as soon as he would graduate--incidentally the ring is now on my finger--and on that day they , the only time ever, they slept together. Lo and behold I was conceived. 

Soon after, as all changes, so did their life--and their lives went in separate directions. They moved out, bought a house and they stopped seeing each other--though it shouldn`t have, but protocol dictated the future. Plus I was there--the great secret to be hidden....LOL. And so it was. They should have followed their hearts--I know them both rather well, they would still be together for they were truly twin flames and they met up year after year for decades--always reminded me of the Neil Simon play "Same time next year".

 

She had an "ok "life with my father, but an unhappy one --and much physical and verbal abuse. She always yearned  to be loved. She could have even tolerated those times if it would have been balanced with the thing she needed most--a physical demonstration of love which is what she wanted, needed but did not get from him. Not sex--love has nothing to do with sex--neither money, one always manages to have enough as not to starve.  She wanted to leave him many times--but I pleaded and begged her not to even when I was 15. So she didin`t for my sake, this is a fact not my imagination --now I am sorry, and I do feel guilty. I should have encouraged her to leave and follow her heart, follow love--there is nothing else that is more important

Why am I telling you all this? Well--that , were I as insightful of life as I am now, I would have advised her to leave my father and follow her heart for life is far too short-- regrets, would have, should haves, could haves are very painful to live with. One cannot undo the past, but one can change the future--maybe to a worst one , but then at least one can say that one has tried --and that it was "my choice", not being forced to stay in a miserable relationship or whatever the situation is--. If it is not good, it needs radical change while there is time.

You see sweetheart--we can only judge all from our own perspective--but we really have to walk in the other`s moccasin to be able to know,  feel and see through their eyes. What maybe important for me, may not be important for an other--we are individuals in all respects. All one can be is support , allow, encourage to make each one whom we love make their  own choices, own decisions--advice is a dangerous prospect.

 

Sometimes things have progressed to a point of beyond return and no matter how one push and pulls things will never be the same. Life is far too short to spend it in unhappiness willingly--there is still much other causes for unhappiness along the way that we have no control over --so should at least change the ones we do have control over. We can never blame anyone for the outcome of our lives, only ourselves--no matter how it seems, it is always our own doing. It is easy always to blame others, circumstance and various life paths--but in reality we are where we are because of our own choices.

Now- the most important question is--do we love the individual with all our heart, all our soul and all our being? Then there is a future for sure, and worth fighting for till your last breath--but if even if there is a small doubt in any area, then there is trouble and often insurmountable. This is what my grandfather called "the last spark which has died out". Martyrdom if far too overvalued--in reality has far too little value.

 

We all have faults and all sorts of imperfection-- but it depends what we can live with, which is as individual as each  snow flake. But the bottom line is--if it makes one unhappy, frustrated, angry, depressed or irritated--no matter how it hurts it needs to be changed. Never ever imagine that one can change the person nor the situation  that causes one grief, - therapy will not make things right, neither will God send his choir of angels to intervene. Yes, God will change it if one is  willing to ask , but above all listen to his instructions that  he whispers to the heart  and do the hard work of cutting the strings- is very painful-which at times our ego will oppose most doggedly.

The past is past, waste of time re-visiting it, lamenting over it--all we have that we can is look towards the future, that is the only avenue for change--for the better or for worse, but we can  all do it.  Then--whether it turns out to be a tragedy or comedy or a horror story--we shall have no regrets for we can say in the end " I did it my way"--mostly I did it for love not only for an other , but mostly for love of myself --for we are all alone on this earth, as individuals finding our true selves,  Yes--as well as our other half--never forget!

I really do not know what is going on with Kai for I don`t know the entire story--but my heart feels for her, that is why I told my family`s story  and how I feel about life in general. For me  love is very important and family, but sometimes in a marriage things have to change--it is often better when the children are smaller if all has been tried and nothing works. all I know that my mom should have changed her life. I hope it works out though for Kai, you and the children--I pray for her and your whole family for  times like these are awfully hard especially when there are 3 small children--but you darling are a "God send"--truly and  an enormous blessing!

But then --were you not like this , I probably would not love you the way I do, for I know your heart and soul!

I love you baby!