Miss....

Listening to  Leonard Cohen just does something to the soul- for my soul anyway. It is such a wonderful feeling to hear his music; to hear his words wash over me like a soft wave bringing back so many ancient memories. Perhaps it reminds me of ages past, of lives lived, before-the good, the bad and the ugly as we navigate back to our source.

At times I feel so alone, yet I know I am not- just at times like this for a brief moment  I feel such a sense of loss, the feeling does not stay long, but it is certainly present this evening. It is like standing in quicksand at times, and the questions keep nagging at me-though I know that I  know and understand the answers. My soul understands but tonight my heart certainly does not. Hard to fight back the tears as my mind wanders along the path of my life. I so miss the past, I so miss home but  above all I so miss us.

Just musing

Today I took a long look at myself and had a serious conversation with myself about life; which I have to say has been sitting for sometime on my mind. Life, time, the minutes are so fleeing-moment by moment our lives seem to tick down and what do we have left? One forever questions everything. However the bottom line is that only the memories remain which form us. Be it real or illusionary, it always real to the mind for it knows no difference between "thinking" it or "doing" it. We often live within pages of books and feel more at home there than in the actual so called "present", for there is no such thing really, for all flow into each other-past, present and future.  So on this note I started to unravel my true reality.

How lucky, how blessed, how special my life has been I have come to realize. I have been to many wondrous places, been among so many pages and have lived a precious life; - for simply one reason only- I have been truly loved. Not many can say this with heart, soul and head, for often one may confuse love with infatuation or simply the physical manifestation of the actual act. That is absolutely not it. Love just "IS"- the  purpose of it has yet to unfold in an other non-linear reality which we are not privy to now. But one simply has to have faith in love which equates to God of which we are a tiny fractal of. If we accept this reality, then loss, sadness, fear is dispelled and one finds true happiness-or as perhaps Buddha would say" non attachment" or "nirvana" or perhaps "enlightenment"- I think it is self realization.

It is well known that every seven years we are totally renewed in every possible way- each cell every molecule and each atom re-groups. We become an entire new being-thus it has been with me, but with a special twist when real love is involved it becomes the "reason of being". In this space of time one becomes completely the other and this is the reason why things are where they are now- at a complete standstill. The term :"Coming in and out of your life"  does not apply, for we only come in, and stay in-and this is the purpose of existence. Sounds very odd, but if one looks hard into one`s soul  truly with unconditional love the answer is very easy to see. So-do you see what that first seven years have done? Do you understand? Do you comprehend its importance? It is the very answer to our existence.

Reflection on talent

I have a few wonderful friends who write, I know two poets and a number of people who are -writers. They all take their craft very seriously, whether they are up for the Pulitzer, Nobel Prize for Literature or simply for the sake of writing their life, heart and soul purpose that is expressed in their words. For them it`s a need like breathing; a choice between life and death as one put it. Sadly, most of them never get published, nor recognition for their hard work for numerous reasons-often not because they not good, but because they are at the wrong place at the wrong time.

One of my poet friends- who is an exceptionally talented poet expressed his deep frustration at being acknowledged by simply a "like " on Face Book and his delight when a person says a few kind word, or even criticism about his work  - he said that he needs nothing except to know that people are reading his work; no adulation, praise or fees are necessary. Yet he writes with the pen of an angel.

This is the fate of most writers as competition is fierce, bloody in a  dog eat dog world; and most are very tender spirits and are not up to the battle- and they have a hard time even putting bread on the table. This is not a reflection upon their talents, but upon society that seldom sees what needs to be seen; especially appreciate beauty in various forms of expression; especially in words. This has been like this forever regarding all kinds of art. Most great artists never sold one piece of their art, and posthumously they are sold for multi millions of dollars.

Sad reflection upon humanity and as to what we hold dear in the world- for it is the poets and writers they are the keepers and the story tellers of the human spirit,-they see with different eyes; without them we would  not exist  for through them come the message of our ancestors -their lives, loves and story of life itself. Sadly, they are greatly devalued, and sadly often they die in deep sadness, desperation, filled with regrets and  feelings of unfulfilled lives. Yet-they are the exceptional souls that see what the average human being fails to see; so then what is their talent?- a blessing or curse or  both?

The River

 This is "Duffin`s Creek"- your river.

Synchronicity works in strange ways, perhaps we create it or we live in parallel universes-all of us. You called me "River". Remember? I guess because of Leonard`s song .....now I see this beautiful river daily, and it is an extension of me. I see it from my living-room sitting in my armchair looking though the glass sliding doors - just about 40 steps to its mossy bank. This is my very own place-I even have a huge fireplace and a great bedroom. The place totally still and calm even during the day-only the ticking of my clock breaks the silence. You would love it. No, you would adore it as I do. You would sit on the river bank and just write, create, bring forth your deepest thoughts, dreams and passions;  become the prayer itself that rises up to God. This river would be your muse once more, as I was. The forest in the background, the silence, the beauty, the peace the fragrance of the crisp air would transform your spirit. The grandeur of nature revealed, the grand creation of God manifesting as beauty-even now with the bare trees it is an awesome sight to behold as the sun dances upon the water, it reminds me of liquid gold as it flows in silence.  It is like living in an other world: a magical world of beauty and impermanence which is ever unfolding and changing before my eyes. It embraces me entirely; heart and soul and body. Yes- nothing stays the same.

Lately being so down and all, I failed to realize how blessed I am for this gracious gift- I think you dreamt this place up for me- you with your magical alchemy. When I saw it for the first time, my heart was filled with joy and happiness as I had this vision of sitting on the bank and reading all your letters, thinking just of us. No, I haven`t as of yet. Actually a few days ago I had this urge to let you go,  I was going to let the pages flow down stream - page by page, like those Japanese paper  tiny boats they send of with messages  into the unknown; but I thought maybe somebody would discover our secret and our heart. I could never allow anyone to read our words-to steal them; they are sacred in a way- and there are thousands of pages literally. This river  flows into Lake Ontario, which is about  2 miles down stream, and it would have been full of our thoughts, secrets and dreams. Now, I am glad I didn`t-for I would now live with eternal regrets and sorrow of the loss of your beautiful words to me. Thank you my heart.
 

The answer

NOTE TO YOU from your OTHER SELF <<<<<
Did we not exist before in the annals of time? Were you not my Adam and I your Eve?

Out of the shadows

Time and time again we as humans cannot escape the lure of darkness, of the the shadows that circumscribe our lives- no matter whom we are, escape from it is futile. One simply has to plough through it; often this is in the form of deep sadness, depression, fear and tremendous anxiety. Generally we emerge from its clutches, but I think the end result is that it wins the battle for none of us gets out of this life alive. The battle is hard and at times the balance between light and dark is a blood sport almost as most often light loses, and it is hard to regain it once more.

This time I have emerged once more from the darkness victorious, as I was totally enveloped within its clutches -the past few 3 months have been one of the darkest places that I have ever encountered and visited, I just wanted so very much to leave and escape to a safe place, as I felt my life was useless, meaningless, worthless and completely futile. I cannot tell you why, or the reason or the lesson I have to learn from it; that is still unclear, but I perhaps my mission is not over yet. I am still not where I have to be, but at least I am in the shadow not the darkness any more.

I know you are in the same place at this moment, I feel your pain, your sorrow flowing from your heart- for you have been very quite many weeks now, so I know that darkness reigns also in your life; lost, struggling for air to survive. As we know, we lead parallel lives, we are so connected that it is impossible even to imagine. It reminds me-(us) of those photons that the physicists have discovered that work in tandem- through quantum entanglement, behave similarly and do the same thing, even when they are in a different galaxy-there seems to be this invisible connection that which we yet do not fully understand which is between us; where no distance exists. I suppose we are in simple terms-one spark of light or photon that has been split searching for very self.  We have been so very blessed that we have found each other.  Yes we have.Thus, we are the very embodiment of those very photons of which physics speaks of.

Death for us-you and I, is often a daily preoccupation, perhaps because we consider life as an illusion, as a dream; thus often the thoughts of the real world has strong lures and a deep want to return home once more- to be together, to be one, to be united,  to be in a place whence we came from, - back to our origin within God.

But for the time being- today is a good day, and maybe tomorrow is even better; finally I am able to pray again, which is a great gift and grace, which lately I seemed to have lost; my soul was heavy, empty and ached with some great loss that I was unable to explain- but now I understand. Now I realize it was my disconnect from God -and this condensed the sadness, the depression, the pain and the feeling of the  loss.

Praying for you sweetheart- always; and you`re always on my mind. I miss you so very much, yet you are always with me.

Wheel of life

David Bowie died today-it gives me pause for thought.  I have been thinking of death rather frequently lately-why? For a number of reasons. As I get older I realize that the spiritual life is really the life and the material life is but the mirror image; an illusion. Whether you are an icon or simply a pauper death comes like a thief in the night-there is no escape. One cannot buy or negotiate the way out-it is the lot of man.

The strange thing about being human is that one does not actually feel one`s age-we gaze in the mirror and we suddenly see a stranger staring back-it is rather a frightening realization as one faces one`s own mortality and the questions that accompanies that thought. We sweat and stress throughout our lives- dog eat dog trying to get ahead, often missing the present entirely, yet time ticks down second by second and suddenly we realize that we are at 11.59-one minute before midnight,  and we would give anything to rewind that clock, for we have squandered so much time and we feel that we have betrayed ourselves. We did, and we do things we regret terribly. We allow love to escape, we live in the future and lament about the past while the present is sailing by. Sad- so sad is the fate of the human being.

Everything dies that once lived- it all transforms into something else. Perhaps living on, perhaps not- but die it must.We exit this life stage naked, without anything, as we have entered it- irrespective of how much we have in the bank.

Looking back, I believe for all of us it all seems such a short time that we were children-yet often it is many decades- and what have we done? What have we achieved? What are we taking with us? -Only the memories and the love in our hearts for the living whom we have loved- that has touched our heart and soul, be that human or animal or beauty in various forms.

In a way death  gives me solace, knowing that everything that is now living or has lived has or shall pass through the same process as I someday will- so, there should not be sadness, grief or tears. As for the spiritual life - well at times I am certain at times I am not as to where it shall lead; but for the time being I console myself with the thought, with the faith, with the hope that there is a God who knows what  He is actually doing-so for now I leave it all in His holy hand.

So onward do I march in gratefulness, gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, mercy, kindness and above all love- and try and rack up credit as much as I can in the spiritual department for only living by those ideals is there a possibility of escaping the wheel of life-perhaps? A big perhaps!