Silence

This is from  the other blog in /2014 I wrote it then.

Last night I laboured hard over this post most profoundly, as I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing. Probably have . That is why I removed it for a while as well as the Black Rose--for it contained things that I thought may offend you,--but all is out of love, nothing else. Never to hurt you.

I have to now elaborate here--I am still rather confounded over the Naomi blogs, or issues. I have no resolution in my mind. In the very initial letters you used and said the same words to her. "I am attracted to you like a moon to its sun"--well the phrase is close. "I need, I am hungry  human companionship, interaction". Wow. Any thing I have ever said to you was to you, and to you only. Terms of endearment, words quotes, poems, music were to you alone--ever. I would have been otherwise deceiving my own self were it different, I couldn`t not have lived with myself. All would then what I felt before would have been a lie, a deception.Yet--you used the term "grokked"--regarding being in love. You told her you need to be loved, you need the emotional connection--in fact the term you used were"hungry" for it as you never loved before. To tell you the truth I had to look up the word "grokked" as I never even heard it before.

Now something else is tugging at my heart, that is when I wrote to you about the car accident, you totally disregarded my plea. Your concern was beyond measure. Is this how one responds to a person that is in love with? No. You were only deathly silent. I could never have been, I could never have not responded to you. How could you not if you love me? I fail to understand where you are coming from in many respects. I have never intentionally hurt you, caused you pain--neither did I ever do anything to cause you pain. I would give part of myself for you if the need arose. That what love does. That how love responds. That what love is.

These are just a few incidents that come so strongly to mind--but one of the worst ones was, when you moved from Colorado and I asked if you are taking my picture and other things with you. Your answer was brief and very dismissive "why should I"? Well--that sure was a stab to the heart.

Now--I have to question what is happening as you have been silent for over a week. Did I offend you, or is there some sort of crisis? Or did I say something again in my letters? Is it maybe you have found out that I was in fact Simon as well as Giovanni? I wonder about it. Also, I was deathly scared to ask what that actual blind spot of mine is? What is yours? These things I would ask you would I have the courage to do so.

You see the Naomi thing haunts me most awfully, constantly can`t get it off my mind.The wounds are very deep indeed--but I so very much love you that it over shadows my pain. I just didn`t expect it. I was going to keep those letter in this blog space, but it just is a bitter reminder of that perhaps all that is and was between us is a sham. Is a lie. Is an illusion--for you a game. So I deleted them--I had them for a while and re-read and re-read them, it was driving me crazy.

True--I have in the past before we broke up said some real nasty things to you--including stuff in some post under different disguises--I was angry, mad but above all deeply wounded to the core. I have never been so blunt ever before with anyone as when I told you those things--and some made up stories about some other men. They were all just stories, all untrue, just to inflict some sort of pain on you, to make you see how I was feeling. I was desperate as to evoke an emotion from you.  How could you even imagine I would have betrayed you in any way or form were you here or on the moon. I am and was always committed to you, to us. Nothing would ever move me from that--I shall die loving you. Why? How? Is beyond me. Beyond understanding.

Where are you now? I don`t really know anything about your Chicago life--all you do is send me a card here and there--the very odd neutral letter. You said a few things in your last one--after the Elibron  card--but all is a big secret. You say you don`t write your journal--maybe. But you said "writing is like breathing" and you would die without it. So then how are you surviving?

Then when your letters seemed filled this anguish, sadness confusion, pain--being lost. I sent you the St. Jude Prayer--you were offended--saying you were feeling great. Yet you were filled with complaints about your life, your sister and life. I don`t understand. Please make me see and understand where we are. What is happening ?

You invite me and my mother to Chicago--isn`t that a bit strange to you? It was touching, nice--but awfully strange. I am no teenager, neither are you. No? Now there is deathly silence. You open my cards a day or two later--yesterday`s isn`t even open. What is happening? You said things were great in Kentucky. Now what? I asked about your parents as to what they are doing there--more silence. We chat on the internet--you disappear from sight for days--not saying goodbye or anything. Now I would understand if you are drinking or doing whatever you are doing with Luis--but still it is very curious as how you are behaving with me.

You said --a week or two ago."The whole weekend I shall be thinking just of you--"And you went totally off the radar--when your sister went to Wisconsin. As you said-- we were communicating via Haiku on the gratefulness site. Even your birthday card--it was acknowledged a day or two after. Why? You haven`t told me a thing about how your birthday went--or anything. What is going on--? It feels I hardly know you. One day I do, the other you are a complete stranger.

Thank God I didn`t suggest that you get back on Paxil, that would have totally finished us off. I was going to when you were so full of anguish and depression--well that is how you sounded. My interpretation maybe wrong, off on a tangent--no body language to see your reactions or explanations. I am utterly confused. Totally lost in this situation. Is there an actual "us"? I am deathly scared of losing you--so I shut up, but even that is not enough. Even neutral things seem to aggravate you, bring you to a boil I know. What am I supposed to do? Please let me know. Give me a sign--a something. This is not a one night stand we are having--it is a 8 year question. It is a hell of a long time--not a day, weeks, months but many years in the making. Now I know it is very convoluted--we haven`t met, seen each other. We could on the internet--every night, but you feel safe this way as I had said way back. You are frightened--want me and want me not. You said you would send pictures. When? In the next century? Why is it so hard for you to let your guard down at this point in our relationship?

I have never told you this--but from the very beginning you have reminded me so much of Merton and Fr. Ralph in the "Thornbirds". Yes, I know neither of them are  your favourite. Why because they remind you of yourself! And also you are jealous, especially if I talk about any other man--as I did on Assisi. Oh, yes--and the reading of "Proteas"--you started and stopped in your tracks--no explanation , nothing. Long after you told me you were jealous of the protagonist--Well I ask you, really? And just deleting the Assisi front page--now I am reminded that , that is where and when it all started --our break up.....funny both beginning and the end-Alpha and Omega of us! I had quite forgotten--. Even that group was so important for you--I gave it to you, then you destroyed it.

Who was it that told you to open Reiki Frontiers? Remember it was I! I wanted you to be happy, successful and fulfilled--when it started going and people acclaimed you. Please give me a break--who cares what those people think.Where are those people when you are in darkness, in pain? When you need something? Where the hell is that woman--what`s her name--Mariah Windsong. Wow--some genius she is. And you put her in charge--in charge of what? Nothing. For Neither Assisi or Frontiers mean one iota in our lives, in any life.

Like Merton your cop out with the usual politically correct excuse of-- God. Sound so spiritual, so introspective, so lame. I don`t think non of you holy men are holy at all--God is the excuse for your inadequacies, as was Merton's. He as well as you said-"I could never imagine myself being loved or love"--in fact one of his books is titled "Learning to Love". God--you men of intelligence are all mad. As they say there is a fine line between madness and genius. Maybe it is all the writing, the mental pre-occupation with all the psychological stuff that drives you over the edge. All of you when loved--or love can`t handle it and hide behind God or this spiritual life. As in your case, as well as Merton it is --Mary or whoever the Divine Feminine is "du jour".

 Now is this normal behaviour? An expression of coping well in and with life? No.  Did Merton die happy though world acclaimed? Did Fr. Ralph? No they all died with regrets--after getting the fame and acclamation from the world. Their ambition actually did them in--and almost destroying the woman who loved them completely. Yes--I too would walk that path were we living in the same city--that is why I don`t want to meet--I do not want to be totally consumed by your fire. Their own vanity, self centredness, self interest, being completely self absorbed and raging egoism--as it does you. Vanity as I have said--is one of the deadly sins--you were destroyed by that comment when I said it. But--the truth always hurts.

As with Merton--God told him to be silent--was he? Are you? Do you listen to God? No--you fight Him day in and day out and wield you sword against Him when you are mad. Well--you are simply a man and shall never beat God even though you want Lucifer to help you. This is the way it is--shortcomings, inadequacies and being ill equipped at handling the reality of the life. Incapable in handling the real world--hiding somewhere--in cloisters, hermitages and monasteries instead of facing the stark reality--acknowledging that life- especially love is hard work.

Yes-- I see far too clearly, even more so since I have gotten more into Merton. Yes--he made me depressed to some degree for I realized the truth, or rather accepted it which I have always known. But as did M, or Meggie-- as I too, we  cannot stop loving. I cannot ever stop loving you no matter what you do--that is the curse.  We are mesmerized, bewitched and transformed by men like you. Maybe it is the words--and no action bit. We are emotional and generally turned on not by the sex, but by the heart. That is our deadly weakness. We cannot escape no matter how hard we try, how well we fight. We are captured for good, and are captivated like a moth is attracted to light--in fact to that which kills it. And you all know it far too well--see the weakness and revel in it for it gives you strength in the face of all adversity. Yes all you holy men of God--you destroy love. You kill one`s who love you. You forsake when you need to step up. You leave when you need to protect. You run when you have to fight--all in the name of God and the spiritual life.

This is really why I decided to open this addendum--I had to have a voice somewhere--let out my frustrations, my feelings and vent. My painful soul that is crying buckets of tears at times. I have no idea what to say, what to do. I have no idea what you actually need. What you want of me, if anything at all. I would so much want to know your internal life--all I know are the love letters you write--but spiritually where you are at I am in total darkness. But I really needed to put down some thought of how and what I feel.

Now--well you are totally have vanished, off the radar. Where are You?

 

 

The Black Rose

I wrote this a while back  in an other blog....it is time for it to see sunlight here so you may see it.

If I am being totally honest--the way why I feel so is because of you. I can`t figure you out at all, and that exercise the other day when you talked about my blind spot, your blind spot seems to be lingering with me. You came back into my life through some deception on my part, though you could have seen through it were you not jumping into a new relationship in the heat of the moment with a new woman you haven`t even had a decent communication with, or knowing whom she actually was. Yet you were totally taken in. Fell into the trap-how very gullible of you, how very human.

You see the need , the want and the desire is there, but so is the fear that you have to live up to being a man--you over compensate by the romantic letters, prose, and innuendos.  Making love on the pages is far easier than reality. Maybe there is no desire to, for the mind cannot distinguish between the though and the physical action- it is just as real in the mind. Perhaps all is out of feeling that you are not good enough from some experience in the past. That is safe, but for a time only. Once you feel you are in danger of living up to it in the real life you are scared as hell and run for the hills.

But this makes me wonder--how many women have you done this to? Yes, now I think Wendy may not have been as crazy as you have told me. You deceived her, made her fall for you. The point you made a while back that your sister is now assured that I am really in love with you, was such a strange statement, that it just floored me.

What does it matter what your sister thinks to you? Or to me? Are we teenagers, or even younger? Is she your mother?  Most odd.

But what really nags at me is; is this a game? I don`t think so really, but I do have my doubts about your commitment. I think you are honest, but you cannot or feel that you cannot live up to the expectations in real life-that is why you don`t want  a job, a congregation nor a life outside the family in the real world.

You are scared and are not able to handle a relationship in the normal sense, or in the reality. It is like not being able to watch yourself in the mirror. You want the feeling of love as "learning to love, or being capable of love or accepting that you are worthy to be loved" which you really haven`t even now learnt or have come to terms with, maybe very slightly, but not really. You have feelings of doubt, insecurity and uncertainty about standing on your own feet within a relationship. That you can`t do and you feel that you are not worthy being loved at all. For you feel you can`t reciprocate.

But you can, and you do! Don`t you see that?  Open your eyes. Open your heart. Open your soul for all is shut down. And, oh yes, you hide behind God, spirituality and now the boys. You cling desperately to this notion of ethereal love, or love in a past life or in the next life. Your feelings of inadequacies are killing you or the writings fulfill  you in that area to some degree; probably thinking that or rather convincing yourself that, that is what spirituality is. Well it isn`t.

That is why when it gets more dangerous or when I said I may come to Chicago a  few years or  ago, that what made you run. Now, I think it was the influence of your sister and maybe your mother that allowed or perhaps forced you to ask me this time.  I am certainly sure you were praying that I would refuse. Well, I have.

You see darling to be able to love wholly, one must be whole commit  and allow the entwining of one`s heart with the beloved. You say you do, but it frightens you and you find all kinds of excuses. That is why you have never really have had a normal relationship from the get go. Even with Katherine. The others were more of a need, like you needed a mother figure when you had the relationship in Toronto, that is why it happened. But it was never a balanced relationship, that is why you felt abused, used and tormented. It was a dominant relationship not a mutual one. As all the few other had major problems, sadly with me, we could work things out, even if we never meet and have a healthy relationship, sure a bit strange: but healthy and rewarding.

In a way I too have some of the fears you do, as because I am so committed to my family and I feel responsible totally for my mother. So, in a way I am walking in a similar moccasin to you in an other way. Even going on a date years ago I felt guilty. Why? I have no reason maybe I felt sort of the man of the family and being with a man felt I was betraying them.

So, you see darling- I am not as secure, self assured and self sufficient as I often sound. We are all very flawed human beings.for me it stems from my mother always telling me when I was a child and even later that I was the reason why she never left my father. So I feel guilty about that, always have, still do. I can`t get over it. But with my rational mind I know it not to be true, for she could have left, but didn`t for her own security. True- I always begged her not to leave, but now this is what I have faced my whole life.

For you whatever happened, what you never wanted to tell me is the reason once , if ever you will tell me that is when you will be able to let go and love sincerely, till then it is just a thought that you love, are but empty words trying to convince yourself. As I do so well about my mother. As your mother did forever confiding in you, plus whatever else that went on with you in you younger days. You see parent have to be able to let their children fly- neither of us were allowed to do that and weighted down, tethered with the guilt trips. You felt responsible for your mother`s unhappiness with Jan, as I did for mine-yet we are the children and they are the parents, it was their duty to teach us to fly and to push us out of the nest, not to hold us back. No-once more  you feel the responsibility for the boys as well, also that  Kai is unhappy and miserable. It is not your fault that she and your mother  made the wrong choices!

Neither is it mine about my mother this shall never end. Will it? And, this is where we are, why we are so  fucked up and messed up forever. Incapable to function, incapable to have a decent relationship, incapable to have an independent life. Our problems are very deep seated and I am sure not even years of therapy will put us straight, neither will anti-depressants, drugs nor alcohol will do it--we are doomed for the sins of our mothers. Till death us do part. For we love them far too deeply, that can only be escaped through death--nothing else. Were we different, we would have walked years ago--but love has very strong chains, impossible to break.

The letters, the cards, the quotes, the poetry are the safety valves for appeasement for our spirit and heart for sanity sake. Do we really love each other--now that is the question. Or are we just using each other  for our troubled life trying to find some normalcy, some answers some realty that we may accept as being the truth.

Cosmic consciousness

Made me wonder as I was watching the video according to Dr. Wm Tiller, consciousness is a higher spectrum than the ultra gamma rays—thus it travels far faster than the speed of light—thus according to this theory, (consciousness, which is coherent information that is transmitted)— which has multi-dimensions—meaning whatever chakra is activated, the higher the faster the vibrational frequency! —the 2^rd chakra`s(basal) energy which is consciousness itself—its conscious energy can  can travel at speed of light (186,000 mls/sec)to the power of 2 which is (34 billion mls/sec)—frequency of ultra gamma rays with frequency so high as to penetrate anything at a subatomic level—the 4^thchakra(heart chakra) power of 3 ( 64 quadrillion mls/sec), the  –the 7^th chakra (crown chakra) to the power of 5.  

At the speed of light we can reach the Pleiades system (2.5 quadrillion mls)in 440 light years—but this way it takes only a fraction of 1/37 of  a second! To the power of 4—we can get to the Andromeda Galaxy 2.5 million light years from earth—in a fraction of a second! Here we attain super-cosmic consciousness.

We need to attain the highest vibrational coherence in all of our centers that is possible in this lifetime—this is why it is important to work on the higher levels, so that we maybe able to travel farther—and attain cosmic knowledge—maybe through the crown chakra—we maybe able to, or some already access the “Akahsic Records”, the huge cosmic library of God. This is a place, or some cosmic space—maybe outside of time and space, maybe the Andromeda Galaxy where all the information is stored—all records of past, and futures events are stored—Yes—here is no “present”, this concept is a mere bridge to past and future.

And we are worried about getting a date on Sunday—or just with paying the mortgage, or that the”outfit “ is important. Thus—all of this information leaves us to ponder whom and what we or whom we really are. LaoTse was right, with this being the truth: —we are mere butterflies dreaming we are man! Yes—Oliver is right—soul-work is where its all at, all else is mere mirages for the benefit of ego. The “sin” or the “missed mark”.

Wow—we are far more than we can ever experience, imagine—we are light beings in action; we are God in action.

Forgetfulness!

Omnia vincit amor--et nos cedamus amor
Love conquers all--let`s yield to love
Virgil- 
....this quote is part of my 'avatar'- in a group where many members of my soul family reside !

I was thinking today about so many things….at times we get a huge reminder from spirit what is really important; we get  knocked off our feet. I have to confess that lately spirit has not been a major priority. It is funny when we focus more on the daily mechanics of things, we lose God somewhere in the shuffle- yet we should actually be living within God; make our whole life a prayer, a mediation. So much of my time, many years have been spent in finding God within me, through many channels. But I have lost so very much of the important information in my head, heart and soul; I feel ashamed before my very self as to the way I have submitted my life to the illusion, and have sold myself out. I feel terribly guilty about this.  How does one navigate back to spirit? The contemplative life takes much time- that luxury we do not have these days, even when one works 2 days a week- I have no idea how people have done it- like writing scores of books within the span of a few years

I truly understand the meaning of Jesus when he said “ You cannot serve two masters”-but what do we do in the age of the internet; “to be or not to be” , was the question asked by Shakespeare, but it is still valid, though he was really talking about something else, but the same really.

I used to be good at making lists of things to do-, but keeping to it was an effort even for a brief time- sadly I make promises in the heat of passion and do not follow through- I am ashamed and regretful about all of this. How does one correct this malfunction of spirit, or rather a dogged ego- where as Dyer said so succinctly that we “edge God out” in the name of  many unimportant  things, and things that were truly were important to me I simply  let go; now I seem to have to search my mind for what they actually were, and where I stand on these things-well, if I shall remember.

I now understand you and the fear of being lost in physicality. Within the illusion and the dream; and you bowed out gracefully. But- can one recapture moments of the past, draw it out of the memory banks when it is locked behind a chained door ?- I suppose it is right to say; “If you don`t use it . you lose it”. I have lost much; I feel very sad about this. I was reminded today- about an important part of my life, a group to which I have posted over 999 entries- I learnt so much there from my soul family; yet I have not been there is ages. How quickly we forget. Have you? 

We are simply thought

“nothing is constant except change” –so says the Chinese proverb…how apt. 

When we are young we have so many plans, dreams, desires and hopes for ourselves- does not occur to us that we are simply dreamers of the impossible dream I would wager-that perhaps only 1% of humanity has their actual dreams come true. No, I don`t mean money, but the less tangible, spiritual and soul aspirations- mostly love. We think money will make us happy- what a delusion, what a mirage ; it is simply the brainwashing of the people of “have’…..Who are after more money and even more power, thinking with their distorted vision that that will make them happy- or even make them immortal in a way. How, very absurd.

Can they take into unto death? Can they use it in the after life, will it enhance their enlightenment, will it advance them in their spirituality- I think not. So- why the delusion? All indoctrination of the material world…. but this is not our reality; we are simply butterflies dreaming we are man- an illusion, a fantasy – a dream of the Gods or their play with creation.

Happiness does not exist- only special moments –which are simply moments…like the mist comes and goes and all we have is the vague memory of the moment…. so then  what is real and what is illusion? We are in this story, or thought of our creator who is either imagining us up, or is simply dreaming us up; so in any event we are not real. Simply thoughts of the Creator…why? Only the Creator knows….we are mere thought forms and our mission is yet to be discovered and divulged – however  perhaps we may never know, for maybe we are simply thought forms dissolving into nothingness as the morning mist; once here  and in a moment never to be .

Well....9 years is simply a moment. But it was good -wasn`t it my sweet dragon? Wasn`t it?...even for a moment;what a moment a glimpse of infinity perhaps.

Summer of 2015...so it is.

 
You creep into my heart, soul and mind like a thief in the night-most often during Rumi`s time , when I least expect it, you fill my every cell, pore, body and soul-it is so very hard to bare, for I cannot protect myself from you. I have no shield. Lately it has not been as often, however when you come forth it is with vengeance, -there is no fighting you, I have stopped trying a long time ago.  Why all this? I do not know, I used to blame it on karma, but these days much of my faith in what I used to believe in is gone.  I am tired of living- terrified of dying and scared beyond belief as to what is lying ahead . What an awful  fate to behold, what an awful prospect- for 9 years now-I wonder why all this is happening to us?

I have not written here in ages, have not been here for months-don`t even recall the last entry; my life seems to be an entire chaos-changes upon changes. I am restless, expecting for some strange reason the other shoe to drop, yet I have no idea that I have shoes at all. Funny. Sadness  is governing my heart these days; though I have no reason to be, for what we had, we have- that is never lost. But then why do I feel so lost? So alone? So abandoned? These days are so hard-yet life should be good. I want for nothing- well just for your words; but I have so many to fallback on. Maybe I am just tired of life- days, week, months and even years seem to be flying by like fragments of a movie-so unreal. I look into the mirror  and I see a stranger looking at me.It scares me at times- maybe I am losing my mind? Maybe I am just wanting to leave? Maybe it is how life ends?

I just do not understand us- why we did what we did, why we do what we do- why we are so cruel to our heart  in the name of love to each other; when we so love each other.What love is this? I curse that August day in 2006-how I wish it never happened-for it is now forever haunting me, torturing me in the most terrible way.

You know- there is so much I would like to say to you-yet I cannot bring it forth-it is all trapped within me, even my tears are locked within. Only now they flow freely tonight, but they do not seem to wash away the pain in my heart. Strange I write to you this way- for I know you are reading it; and I know it eases your pain for you think we are till together-we are. I know you think of me more often than you wish-you want to forget me but like I- you cannot.  You love me, as I love you. Yes-we are forged together by some odd quirk of God- or plan. We are star crossed for some reason. WE are fated- you are always right are you not? Forever- united in love, in life and death; eternity is a long time- God makes no mistakes.

Need a hug

 
Need a Hug

I am tired today. My heart singing deer songs, doing its own thing. The rest of me, star eyed and wandering.

My angel is nigh, and I would flee to the cool sanctuary of his midnight wings to rest for a while from the sight of things unseen.

But the wind, it washes me ; these lonely miles of dust and waving grasses, my eyes reflecting the endless. With nowhere to hide from the wind and its nakedness.

How does one pray, Suzie, when all prayers turn to dust in your throat?

Let me rest in a gentler light that which calls. Give me to drink of your sparkling waters, tasting of moss-mysteries and rose petals. Let me sleep in the shade of your loving kindness, in bowers where the wind cannot reach, but blows overhead where it listeth and all is still but for the hum of bees.

Melodies only –fleeting as clouds –but tis from that shore that I greet you today in Psyche`s melancholy strain, here amid the cypress trees in the temple of Eris.

Catch then in the cup of your golden happiness the silvery tears of my ghost, a vision –pool for the dream of the gods.

Even now, from shore to shore to yet another shore I rest  my bark of Lapis Lazuli on sands untrodden, my feet crunching the pebbles of eternity.

In other words sweetheart…my muse is stirring in her sleep. And I need a hug—long and deep and slow , to melt there into forgetting .

Aye, but I love you.

-ever your

Indigo