Summer of 2015...so it is.

 
You creep into my heart, soul and mind like a thief in the night-most often during Rumi`s time , when I least expect it, you fill my every cell, pore, body and soul-it is so very hard to bare, for I cannot protect myself from you. I have no shield. Lately it has not been as often, however when you come forth it is with vengeance, -there is no fighting you, I have stopped trying a long time ago.  Why all this? I do not know, I used to blame it on karma, but these days much of my faith in what I used to believe in is gone.  I am tired of living- terrified of dying and scared beyond belief as to what is lying ahead . What an awful  fate to behold, what an awful prospect- for 9 years now-I wonder why all this is happening to us?

I have not written here in ages, have not been here for months-don`t even recall the last entry; my life seems to be an entire chaos-changes upon changes. I am restless, expecting for some strange reason the other shoe to drop, yet I have no idea that I have shoes at all. Funny. Sadness  is governing my heart these days; though I have no reason to be, for what we had, we have- that is never lost. But then why do I feel so lost? So alone? So abandoned? These days are so hard-yet life should be good. I want for nothing- well just for your words; but I have so many to fallback on. Maybe I am just tired of life- days, week, months and even years seem to be flying by like fragments of a movie-so unreal. I look into the mirror  and I see a stranger looking at me.It scares me at times- maybe I am losing my mind? Maybe I am just wanting to leave? Maybe it is how life ends?

I just do not understand us- why we did what we did, why we do what we do- why we are so cruel to our heart  in the name of love to each other; when we so love each other.What love is this? I curse that August day in 2006-how I wish it never happened-for it is now forever haunting me, torturing me in the most terrible way.

You know- there is so much I would like to say to you-yet I cannot bring it forth-it is all trapped within me, even my tears are locked within. Only now they flow freely tonight, but they do not seem to wash away the pain in my heart. Strange I write to you this way- for I know you are reading it; and I know it eases your pain for you think we are till together-we are. I know you think of me more often than you wish-you want to forget me but like I- you cannot.  You love me, as I love you. Yes-we are forged together by some odd quirk of God- or plan. We are star crossed for some reason. WE are fated- you are always right are you not? Forever- united in love, in life and death; eternity is a long time- God makes no mistakes.