Age of destruction

I think I have changed my mind from my previous post-I don`t think I want to live to be a hundred. 

'Where have all the flowers gone long time passing? When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn?' Never. I think it all started with the splitting of the atom or more so with Oppenheimer and the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That is when all hell broke loose. Remember the song 'The Eve of Destruction' is hauntingly true-we are living it.  The melody and lyrics seems to be spinning around in my head-as the world has changed so much in the past 35 plus years, I hardly recognize it. Sure, we have internet, Skype, i-Phones, tweets, texts, Instagram, FB and reality TV 24/7 and even finding the 'God particle'. We are overloaded with information-some being totally useless-simply crowding the body, mind and spirit. Days of conversations, talking are over-as everybody is on their devices. I often wonder what are they talking about. We did live without them rather happily.

Everybody is depressed, stressed and is on medications from cradle to grave. Hate, anger and  fear is pervasive. Peanut allergies, wheat allergies, all sorts of environmental sensitivities-all stuff which  were unheard of is everywhere. Food was nourishment, now in some instances it is poison-many genetically modified. The planet is slowly dying-the climate is haywire -Antartica is melting. Dozens of species of flora and fauna are becoming extinct  in a matter of a few years-all is polluted. So, are we any wiser or better than we were as human beings? Is this new paradigm that we have created working? No.

All those video games where people get lost within the action–confusing reality with illusion, this is considered the norm which seems to destroys the very essence of life. We then wonder why things happen as they do. It is not gun control that is needed, but sanity, morality, respect, peace and compassion for each other.  No- we are far worse than any animal on the planet-we kill for the sport, animals just kill to live- hunt down one not a whole herd.We are living in a cycle of violence.

Wars are being waged, the murder rate keeps climbing and mass shootings are a daily occurrence. No place is safe, and there is no place to hide. All is a whirl of confusion-and chaos, total entropy. The news are all bad, CNN is having a field day in reporting everything that is horrific –all live in full technicolour. People clamour to see all the gory details on 12 foot TV screens. You hear no good news-only death and destruction. There is no mercy for the living. God lives in Hollywood and Oprah is the Mother Goddess- Dr. Phil is revered like the Holy Ghost and the Kardashians  are the model for the youth of today. We  don`t even know our gender anymore-we have all sorts of identity crises-with labels unheard of. Everybody is in therapy and on their last nerve.  All is just one mad nightmare-please wake me up.

So what does all this tell us? Maybe it is all a grand conspiracy and those theorists are right-we are being manipulated by some alien entity. Perhaps the Annunaki or some other life-form, far more intelligent than we could ever be.  They study us like lab rats to see where our breaking point is-which is not too far off the pike. We are waiting for disclosure with abated breath, but the writing is on the wall, but we are blind to see. Hello, newsflash: they are already here. Shiva is dancing. Kali Yuga is upon us, Kalki is on his horse.

Oh yeah-as if Space Force-will protect us from a space invasion-or from ourselves. Wake up people and smell the coffee and lay off the Cool Aid.

Mom is 93 years young

My mother will be 93 years young today-well the 29^th, however it is already after midnight in Budapest where she was born. Lots of bad times for her, however a little good always outweighs a lot of bad. The ‘war years’-bombings, fear and horrific death scenes haunt her still. My father wasn`t the greatest of husbands either-but in those days very few people got divorced-so she just stood by her man-though that man was hardly a model husband. It is at this point in her life the affects are seen in the form of nightmares and major panic attacks at night. Diagnosis-PTSD. Otherwise, she is healthy in every way. A prolific artist, painting for hours daily-with 400 pieces to her name-all in oil. She has been written up in magazines and has had numerous exhibitions. She started painting at age 84-never before.

She can run rings around people half her age. She is bright as a button and on top of all the news and all else that is happening in the world-in politics and in the fashion world. No one would ever guess her age. Good genes and a healthy lifestyle; 12 different supplements daily-and moving up and down the stairs scores of times daily seems to do the magic trick, outsmarting the years.

Mom has been rewarded much for all her pain and troubles, the fruit of her labours. She is happy to see that everyone is well established-we all have great careers and she is spoiled a lot by all of us. Blessed by a wonderful loving family, -her grandchildren and great-grandchildren are all at university-we all live in close proximity, within 5 kilometers of each other. So, she sees everybody all the time-and wants for nothing.

Times have changed big time-today 65 is the new 40, -so she is 93 going on 68. Plus, each year the life expectancy for women is pushed further out-and truth be told, age is but a number. It is the quality of life as well as the way we look at it that counts.  The bottom line is that you are old if you think you are old-and young if you think young-and age is  as you feel. Centenarians are rising yearly-she plans to be one, as I.

Happy birthday Anyaj!......may you have many more filled with love, peace, happiness and good health!...We all love you very much!

Music and remembrance

Music makes one remember many things-I have been  listening to some old stuff all day-and reminds me of so many things and people, events and happenings in my life. Memories just flood my mind. It feels wonderful, and also very sad at the same time-so I am torn. People I have loved, people I have lost comes to my mind. But nothing stays the same, so everything must change-and change it will as we ourselves do.  But whatever happened cannot be undone, neither ever forgotten.

Many things we can do, however we cannot dictate an other`s reaction, neither can we get into their skin and shake them into reality, nor can we force any one to love us. Human nature is a strange creature, often it will sabotage itself, just to prove a point-which is neither here nor there-for whatever we do the only person that cares or matters is ourselves. It is ourselves we hurt-or the one whom we actually love. Nobody cares on the planet-friends or strangers at times even family a twat about how we react, what we do or say-all news are old news by tomorrow. We desperately want to keep up appearances. We so often bite of our own nose to spite our face-the we feel miserable and sad, all because of our own stubborn nature, or hardness of heart-just to make point. Rather a sad reflection on humanity- sadly we all fall into this basket of deplorable behaviour.

Thus so many hearts gets broken for no apparent reason-for more often than not there is a miscommunication-or many misunderstandings. True-we fall out of love as often as we fall in love-but love cannot be undone, that is why we are often are so angry about the situation-for we are helpless in undoing love.

We are creatures of habit, thus relationships fall into this category-especially as more time is spent within a relationship, and then often when the break up comes –we thing back at the special moments; often forgetting the bad moments. It is like ‘I can`t live with him, neither can I live without him’-so it is a constant festering pain in the heart that never ends no matter who else may turn up in one`s life, one always returns to that special love-which often is rather scarce-and has influenced our life forever, perhaps many lifetimes; maybe we have these special relationships rather seldom, if we are lucky perhaps one or two-or three at best. 
Forgetting is quite impossible.- and maybe it is a good thing in a way as all memories are very vivid living entities, for the present is but a brief moment in time. Only what is present in our hearts minds. Understanding the chemistry of love is very difficult and complex-hard to fathom out.

I can honestly say that I have had quite a few relationships in my life, but I have loved and have been only deeply loved by three people only. I guess I am very lucky-some can never say these words-so I have memories to keep me company as I look back on my life. And I smile and feel joy and happiness.

   

Oh Canada

Canada is the second largest country in the world (after Russia) by land mass-its capital is Ottawa in the province of Ontario. Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.  At last count, there may be as many as two million, with 563 lakes larger than 100 square kilometres.  Canada’s largest include Lake Huron (Ontario), Great Bear Lake (Northwest Territories), and Lake Superior (Ontario).  Lake Winnipeg, Canada’s fifth and the world’s 11th largest, is in Manitoba.

From west to east, Canada has ten provinces - British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec, Newfoundland and Labrador, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island. There are also three territories which make up the northern half or so of Canada - Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut. We have a population of over 36 million people-with two official languages English and French. Canada is the first country in the world to adopt a policy of multiculturalism, embracing diversity and pluralism.

Canada is a Parliamentary Democracy headed by a Prime Minister. However, it is also a constitutional monarchy with executive authority vested in the Queen. This means that the Queen is the head of state, while the Prime Minister is the head of government. A parliamentary democracy has three parts: the Sovereign (Queen), the Senate, and the House of Commons. Meanwhile, the government has three levels: federal, provincial and municipal.  The federal government  federal is based in Ottawa and is headed by the Prime Minister. Provincial  and territorial governments are headed by premiers, while municipal governments are led by mayors.

Not that I am biased  regarding Canada, but if anyone checks out the best countries to live in Canada is sure to show up in the top often-more often than not number one or two.  In everyway we have it all-whether you are rich or poor the possibilities are  there to have a wonderful life. Our medical system is free for all, and the best in the world. Our seniors are well taken care of. Old age pension is $1,440 a month-also if need be there are numerous food banks that are always there to help anyone if the need be-no questions asked.  Medications are free to all above 65 and below 25 in Ontario . Dental care is free for children, now it will we free for all in Ontario.

Canada  has a child benefit for each child per month of $533  for each child under the age of six and $450.00 per month for each child aged 6 to  17. This comes in the mail automatically from the government every month.

Crime is the amongst the lowest on the planet, we accept all people from all countries. Creed, colour, nationality-all welcome. Multiculturalism is the name of the game-we celebrate our differences, we celebrate individuality and encourage to keep the traditions, language, customs and roots from the old country.

All can go to university-our education system is one of the highest, if not the highest in the world.  If you have no money all will get a loan, and now you don`t even have you repay it if you come from a low income family or study well.

We accept immigrants, refugees –from the moment they enter the country they are supported financially and in every other possible way-teach them the language and skills. Our standard of living is the highest in the world-and the most advanced country –technology wise and humanitarian wise. We  are a peace loving nation, we don`t go to war only as peace keepers,  we are one of the most compassionate nations on the planet. Heritage is honored and respected deeply.

We are proud of our low crime rate, beautiful natural green spaces,  thousands of lakes and awesome mountains. All is protected-you cannot cut down a tree unless it is sick, and then you have to plant an other one to replace it. We fiercely protect our wildlife, -we replenish species that are endangered –like the Atlantic salmon. There are laws governing hunting and fishing as to how many you can hunt or fish--you cannot kill animals for sport, –if you do they put you in jail. If you run over a squirrel on purpose, you have to pay a hefty fine. The other day someone had killed a few Canada geese-a reward of $10,000 is offered  by the police for  a lead to catch the guilty culprit.

Our use of drugs is very low-a law has just been passed making recreational marijuana legal-the first entire country on the planet to do this, There are a few states in the US where it is legal, but not everywhere. Some countries in Europe have it with restrictions. Medical marijuana has been legal  in Canada for many years.

You can love anyone you wish, marry anyone you wish and you cannot be a racist, neither a bigot-if you do jail time awaits you. Hate crimes are non existent as it is seriously punished by law.We have banned the death penalty and Canada will not surrender even criminals to countries who will implement the death penalty-we believe in life and that it is sacred, even when serious crimes have been committed. 

As or our climate-it  is great-. No-it is not too cold-the winters are magical as all our seasons. Canadians never complain-and the different seasons all have their special lure, and the change is good-one always has the next seson to look forward to, so it is never boring. I have been more cold in the winters of South Africa than in Canada, truly.

This is my Canada, land that I love and I would not want to be anywhere else –the land I hold dear and will forever cherish in every way-even though I was not born here, I consider it my homeland.  I am so very proud and thankful  to be a Hungarian Canadian-be part of this wondrous, most special country on the planet.  I feel so blessed to be here.

Doubt

 
I often wondered in the past why people are not more involved with their spiritual life. Not that one knows what goes on in an other`s heart, but from appearances many have lost the way, or have forgotten. We tend to condemn our brethren, but always ‘what goes around come around’-thus I am walking in those same moccasins.

For the past while I have been terribly busy with the mundane-and the days seem to slip away as seconds and what in the past was so important to my spiritual life seems to have been lost on the way. I feel like I am in ‘limbo’-neither in heaven nor in hell just marking time, counting down the days of my life. Regarding my organized religion-I feel much guilt ; which really I should not.

Walking in the forest daily has kept me close to Gaia- mother earth and the feeling of gratefulness wells up in my heart. God actually feels to be within me, be a part of me. Every moment I glimpse at the wonders of nature I am in awe at His sacred creation. But sadly I feel I have lost my way from my Catholic roots in many ways. Or have I? Perhaps I am closer to God than I have ever been. Does one need a church to find God? Does He reside under a church roof?  Is Our Lady found there? Or does He lie in those wondrous ferns or those moss covered tree trunks. Or does She sleep among those myriads of scented wildflowers. I wonder. Maybe He is all of those ferns, perhaps  She is all of those wildflowers. All is in the realm of the possible. We can dream all into our reality if we so wish. So it is.

I am less preoccupied, or conscious of  the alchemy of life, so to speak. Much of the time I doubt reality-and deeply feel that all is illusion-all is ‘maya’. I strongly feel  that I am in some way, some how living in a parallel universe-somewhere in time or no time. That I am living an other life somewhere else. Maybe –‘The education of over-soul seven’ is not simply in the imagination of  Jane Roberts, but reality that bleeds through from the sub-conscious. It is a pacifying thought to think that we are living  numerous lives at the same moment in linear time-if there is such a thing as linear time.  I wonder.

Maybe it is just a false hope that I am trying to cling to as I get older, as my life ticks down. Or perhaps one sees more clearly, or wisely with the years-though this I highly doubtful. But-whatever, I am not the person I was even yesterday, neither whom  I was ten years ago.  Am I more aware?  More conscious? More awake? Or  maybe even less aware of what this life seems to dictate? I have no idea. All I know is that time is passing very fast, that I am different by the moment and that death just maybe the end to all-and  everything that I ever believed in was just simply ‘hope’ in the eternal.  This thought really scares me-this translate to ‘losing faith’-and doubt all that I ever held dear. And its guilt haunts me.

My South Africa

South Africa-land of the  Springbok, of the bluest  skies on the planet, the most violent thunder storms and lightning that is just breathtaking to witness. This country is  my real home-that is where my  heat and soul often returns to when it is in turmoil. Though I was not born there, but spent all of my childhood as well as my later years in that magical, mystical country .

I started  school there,  then  went to college, fell in love and got married there –so all my memories are  the sweetest ever the reminders of that place. Sweet, serene Saturdays day spent with my grandparents almost weekly whom I loved dearly.

 I had a wonderful childhood, and awesome memories and the most wonderful life. The experiences that I had are always with me and I was blessed for the time I was given to have lived and grown up there in that exotic land of the Jacaranda,the Eucalyptus and Mimosa trees. Hearing the amazing native legends, and  be part of the land of the Proteas.

But times slowly changed and by the time we had left-after more than 20 years, it had changed into a land which I hardly recognized. Today-it has  transformed into an unrecognizable country-sadly crime, murder and fear are a daily constant reminder to all who have stayed behind-though more that half of the white population have left the country, and the land is filled with millions of migrants from all over Africa-and  the whole country has sunk into total mayhem and chaos-from a first world country into a third world country. This is especially present in the  golden city of Johannesburg. Cities like the capital  Pretoria and Cape Town seem to have large conclaves of white population, and  they seem much more safe and protected.  They are almost like the old fortified cities of old.

Everything changes with time-though at the time we thought those days would never end, but end they did. We were young, idealistic and we thought that time was on our side-it wasn`t . Sadly nothing ever stays the same-only the memories remain. But memories  are blessings-for they can always be returned to and we can re-live them and strangely in our mind they all seemed to have happened yesterday.  It gives me such tranquil feelings of peace, hope,  happiness and such deep love-when my mind wanders there. So-always be conscious of the situation you are in-make and record those memories that you will be able to  conjure up later from  your mind. For only they remain. only they are constant-all else changes.  Yes-We are indeed strange creatures of God, in a creation where nothing is permanent but change.

Regrets

Regrets…. Well, one says  no, however deep down we all do to some degree even if we don`t want to admit it. As time passes one looks around and suddenly scores of years have passed, yet all seems like it happened yesterday. That first day in school, that first love, that first kiss, that matric dance, that graduation from university…that wedding day and those deaths of loved one`s we thought would never happen. Loved ones we thought would live forever.  Those promises we made to each in the heat of passion-all broken into millions of pieces that lie at our feet in the dust all turned to ashes. All the years -and everything contained in them have have flown by in a blink of an eye in silence only to have left deep scars on our hearts, wounded forever.

We thought we would change  the world, love forever, above all we would live forever. We would be the exception to live like Methuselah, for hundreds of years, but above all by strange miracle never die-God would give us a pass. Sadly-as the years seem to slip by- like the sand in an hour-glass, we realize, that we are no different, neither more special than all those who have come before us. We are not special at all, but rather very ordinary-the garden variety type. We are neither divine, neither are we immortal.
I look in the mirror and I find a stranger staring back-I don`t recognize myself. I often wonder if there were no mirrors how would we feel, how would we perceive ourselves-for I feel the same inside as when I was 20. It reminds me of a scene from 'The Thornbirds'where Mary Carson tells Ralph she loves him-

“I have loved you,” she said pathetically.

No, you haven’t. I’m the goad of your old age, that’s all. When you look at me I remind you of what you cannot do, because of age.”

“You’re wrong. I have loved you. God, how much! Do you think my years automatically preclude it? Well, Father de Bricassart, let me tell you something. Inside this stupid body I’m still young—I still feel, I still want, I still dream, I still kick up my heels and chafe at restrictions like my body. Old age is the bitterest vengeance our vengeful God inflicts upon us. Why doesn’t He age our minds as well?” She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, her teeth showing sourly. “I shall go to Hell, of course. But before I do, I hope I get the chance to tell God what a mean, spiteful, pitiful apology of a God He is!”

This says it all. As for regrets…yes. All the things I haven`t done, which I should have for moral reasons, all the lovers I should have had but I stopped myself because of family reasons, all the places I should have visited, but didn`t for stupid reasons, all the ice cream I should have eaten but for diet reasons, all the wine I should have drunk but for guilt reasons, all the weed I should have smoked but for lawful reasons  and  the bank I should have robbed but for fear of being caught reason.  As for the latter-at least I would be rich, old  and miserable- as for being poor, old and miserable-well, still not that old nor that poor really. I have to admit money does not buy happiness, but does ease the pain of the years.
Honestly-who the hell cares for any of the above reasons-all that matters is to live life fully, do as we feel whatever makes us happy, fulfilled –truth be told to love and be loved.  All else simply does not matter a hoot. Nobody cares an iota, nobody is responsible for our actions but ourselves and nobody will remember anything we have said or done tomorrow. All things shall pass, as does our lives without leaving a mark.  Thus from here on-I choose life without restrictions , or guilt for time is running out.

Bourdain

I don`t take death well. Be it my goldfish, a crushed turtle in the street  that I had seen as a child, or a huge cricket that I had accidentally stepped on one old years eve when I was 17 in South Africa. I can still hear his shell crack. I still think of it-imagine!

Thus,  a perfect stranger`s death, like Anthony Bourdain really touched me as did the death of Leonard Cohen sometime back. Both lives and deaths shook me to my core. Both were great storytellers that captivated one`s imagination. One through travel the other through music.

Not that I was that fond of Bourdain-it would have been different if he was my lover or friend. Neither was I enthralled by many of the exotic dishes he was willing to consume in the name of  ‘culture’,  or the innumerable tattoos he had on his body, but he did put a face to people one never thinks about. People with different cultures that are lost in the tumult of the world-who live lives as we do. Who live and love exactly as we do. Die as we do. He was willing to relate their story and connect us  in so many ways and point out all the similarities-that thin thread of light that connects us all. He saw that special light in each one of us that we so often are blind to. He seemed  such a happy, fulfilled soul-but we all have a dark side that is locked away in the private vault of our soul. 

Thus it was with him. He most certainly was the last person I would have thought to have killed himself. I suppose we are all capable to do all kinds of things when push comes to shove-when we hurt so much that we cannot take it anymore. Actually it is rather a brave thing to do-for we all fear death, yet non of us will ever escape it. So, as Alan Watts said-'Dying is like going to sleep, but not waking up'. We all think about killing ourselves at one time or an other -the one who says 'never' is a liar.  But-we are just far scared to do it.

Sadly, yet one never knows the secrets the heart carries which has nothing to do with fame or fortune. He seemed to have had it all-but apparently he did not. He moved on unto a path unknown I guess,-I hope he has a wonderful trip and a peaceful one!

Wonderful world

Feels like I was here yesterday-and  has been many moons. Life is good though and I am back from self imposed exile or rather let us call it a sabbatical. Much has happened, yet nothing has happened-life is an oxymoron. 

Writing like exercising becomes awfully difficult to re-start once we  ‘fall off the wagon’ so to speak. But, staring at a blank page, be that a computer screen or a notebook often ignites certain areas in the brain that wander often into uncharted territories of the imagination. Some will call it their ‘muse’, others the voice of ‘the higher self’. 

Now, Rumi comes to my mind when he says; ‘The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you-Don't go back to sleep! You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth across the door sill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep!' 

 Yes, those secrets that we often miss during the hustle and bustle of daily life-but there is always the stillness of the night when one can visit those secret places and experience our deepest desires, hopes and dreams. 

It is a well known scientific fact that the brain cannot distinguish between fact and fiction. It does not know the difference between experience and imagination-it simply accepts both as fact. So, then if this is so, we can experience anything we wish, anything we would like to feel, see or sense. We can lose ourselves, allow our imagination to run wild and live that ‘second life’ without any complications, ties or tethers for we can write our own story-with whatever ending we wish. 

Thus, writing allows one to step out of the box and cast one`s fate at the wind without any penalties, pain or regrets. We all have had real  experiences-good and bad, so one can take that as the backbone of expanding on it.  One can make it drama or a comedy-write our own legend and create an ending we had  hoped for. 

Looking back things always look different. We have many-‘should haves, would haves could haves’ moments-thus one can re-create a better ending and let any painful baggage go-if need be. Live the life one wishes for, dreams of and be the star protagonist in the story.

Make that ‘second life’ the real one, that is perfect in every way. But, as original divine sparks, perfect is different for each of us. Some eastern religions state that one has to experience ‘all’ –good and bad, as well as all the feelings of that which is living as well as that which is inanimate to learn and feel ‘all’-as one progresses towards higher consciousness, compassion and love. So one has many roads to travel before the legend is over. Sometimes-pain, sadness, heartache is needed to appreciate its opposite-there is no yin without yang. All is in constant motion with the seed on one within the other -constantly flowing.

There are no mistakes in life, we only perceive them as such-for everything has a reason, a purpose and a goal which may not seem clear at times. However, we have free will-that is the gift of imagination, more so the gift of grace, through which we can walk from darkness into the light, and eventually become the light. 

What I am trying to say here as clear as mud, is that write, dream, imagine whatever you need to do to move up the scale and make the journey worth while-for as Louis Armstrong said: ‘It`s a wonderful world’-what a gift we have been given; I am so grateful to God.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colours of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, saying- How do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry. I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!