Regrets

Regrets…. Well, one says  no, however deep down we all do to some degree even if we don`t want to admit it. As time passes one looks around and suddenly scores of years have passed, yet all seems like it happened yesterday. That first day in school, that first love, that first kiss, that matric dance, that graduation from university…that wedding day and those deaths of loved one`s we thought would never happen. Loved ones we thought would live forever.  Those promises we made to each in the heat of passion-all broken into millions of pieces that lie at our feet in the dust all turned to ashes. All the years -and everything contained in them have have flown by in a blink of an eye in silence only to have left deep scars on our hearts, wounded forever.

We thought we would change  the world, love forever, above all we would live forever. We would be the exception to live like Methuselah, for hundreds of years, but above all by strange miracle never die-God would give us a pass. Sadly-as the years seem to slip by- like the sand in an hour-glass, we realize, that we are no different, neither more special than all those who have come before us. We are not special at all, but rather very ordinary-the garden variety type. We are neither divine, neither are we immortal.
I look in the mirror and I find a stranger staring back-I don`t recognize myself. I often wonder if there were no mirrors how would we feel, how would we perceive ourselves-for I feel the same inside as when I was 20. It reminds me of a scene from 'The Thornbirds'where Mary Carson tells Ralph she loves him-

“I have loved you,” she said pathetically.

No, you haven’t. I’m the goad of your old age, that’s all. When you look at me I remind you of what you cannot do, because of age.”

“You’re wrong. I have loved you. God, how much! Do you think my years automatically preclude it? Well, Father de Bricassart, let me tell you something. Inside this stupid body I’m still young—I still feel, I still want, I still dream, I still kick up my heels and chafe at restrictions like my body. Old age is the bitterest vengeance our vengeful God inflicts upon us. Why doesn’t He age our minds as well?” She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, her teeth showing sourly. “I shall go to Hell, of course. But before I do, I hope I get the chance to tell God what a mean, spiteful, pitiful apology of a God He is!”

This says it all. As for regrets…yes. All the things I haven`t done, which I should have for moral reasons, all the lovers I should have had but I stopped myself because of family reasons, all the places I should have visited, but didn`t for stupid reasons, all the ice cream I should have eaten but for diet reasons, all the wine I should have drunk but for guilt reasons, all the weed I should have smoked but for lawful reasons  and  the bank I should have robbed but for fear of being caught reason.  As for the latter-at least I would be rich, old  and miserable- as for being poor, old and miserable-well, still not that old nor that poor really. I have to admit money does not buy happiness, but does ease the pain of the years.
Honestly-who the hell cares for any of the above reasons-all that matters is to live life fully, do as we feel whatever makes us happy, fulfilled –truth be told to love and be loved.  All else simply does not matter a hoot. Nobody cares an iota, nobody is responsible for our actions but ourselves and nobody will remember anything we have said or done tomorrow. All things shall pass, as does our lives without leaving a mark.  Thus from here on-I choose life without restrictions , or guilt for time is running out.