Doubt

 
I often wondered in the past why people are not more involved with their spiritual life. Not that one knows what goes on in an other`s heart, but from appearances many have lost the way, or have forgotten. We tend to condemn our brethren, but always ‘what goes around come around’-thus I am walking in those same moccasins.

For the past while I have been terribly busy with the mundane-and the days seem to slip away as seconds and what in the past was so important to my spiritual life seems to have been lost on the way. I feel like I am in ‘limbo’-neither in heaven nor in hell just marking time, counting down the days of my life. Regarding my organized religion-I feel much guilt ; which really I should not.

Walking in the forest daily has kept me close to Gaia- mother earth and the feeling of gratefulness wells up in my heart. God actually feels to be within me, be a part of me. Every moment I glimpse at the wonders of nature I am in awe at His sacred creation. But sadly I feel I have lost my way from my Catholic roots in many ways. Or have I? Perhaps I am closer to God than I have ever been. Does one need a church to find God? Does He reside under a church roof?  Is Our Lady found there? Or does He lie in those wondrous ferns or those moss covered tree trunks. Or does She sleep among those myriads of scented wildflowers. I wonder. Maybe He is all of those ferns, perhaps  She is all of those wildflowers. All is in the realm of the possible. We can dream all into our reality if we so wish. So it is.

I am less preoccupied, or conscious of  the alchemy of life, so to speak. Much of the time I doubt reality-and deeply feel that all is illusion-all is ‘maya’. I strongly feel  that I am in some way, some how living in a parallel universe-somewhere in time or no time. That I am living an other life somewhere else. Maybe –‘The education of over-soul seven’ is not simply in the imagination of  Jane Roberts, but reality that bleeds through from the sub-conscious. It is a pacifying thought to think that we are living  numerous lives at the same moment in linear time-if there is such a thing as linear time.  I wonder.

Maybe it is just a false hope that I am trying to cling to as I get older, as my life ticks down. Or perhaps one sees more clearly, or wisely with the years-though this I highly doubtful. But-whatever, I am not the person I was even yesterday, neither whom  I was ten years ago.  Am I more aware?  More conscious? More awake? Or  maybe even less aware of what this life seems to dictate? I have no idea. All I know is that time is passing very fast, that I am different by the moment and that death just maybe the end to all-and  everything that I ever believed in was just simply ‘hope’ in the eternal.  This thought really scares me-this translate to ‘losing faith’-and doubt all that I ever held dear. And its guilt haunts me.