Soul block!

Soul block!

At times one wants to write, but the words will not come, yet these are most profound messages from the soul—the idea, the image is there but for some inexplicable reason one just stares at the black page.  Often these are such important observations that want to escape from spirit, yet I think ego hold onto the reigns so tight as not to allow the escape of one thought in fear of being defeated by spirit.

Why is this? To me it seems that there is a war being waged between spirit and ego—those times that follow these periods are often the most rewarding in expressing all that lies hidden in the soul. This unfolding of the heart often lies deeper within spirit and is given life often through a passage of darkness—well, what am I saying , you so well know this. I think the way you put it was: ”trawling for pearls in deep , dark murky waters” I wonder if you have found it, or have you not returned from the ”netherworld” yet?  I wonder often how we actually arrived at this point. I only have control over my own heart, at best—for probably it is all predestined we are merely passing though the motions on our way to our final destination. But- really  I am not here to discuss us, for all has already been etched in stone.

My mind wanders in so many different direction these days. I cannot seem to focus on one specific thing. My emotions are as variable as the weather these days, - what to me one day seems like water to my thirsty spirit,  most important to the survival of my very soul—the next day seems, totally  unimportant-what a paradox. I seem to be fluctuating from peaks to valleys-and my perception of the world each day seems to appear in a different light . I am not depressed, neither am I happy-I feel I am searching for something and know not what.  Often my mind is filled with ideas of death—not a longing for it, but looking at my life and observing it from a distance almost as if it weren`t mine—with the realization that death sits in waiting. Then I wonder-“then what?”  My faith is deep—but I still have doubts which I would like to dispel. How? The more I think, pray, meditate—the more restless I become almost to a point of frustration.

No—it is not you, you are always present . These surges from my unconscious mind have nothing to do with us whatsoever –thus in a way I am  probably going through the same cycles as you do—maybe even at the same time- or perhaps I take up on the idea feelings , emotions when you leave off—thus we seem to navigate though the passages of our earthly life.  The concern to me is, that things instead of becoming more clear, are ever falling into more confusion. I wonder why that is? I thought I knew—and as the moments of my life tick down, I realize that I haven`t the foggiest clue about anything—and question the very idea of existence. It is a most horrible feeling—it is a feeling of loss in a way. But a loss of what ? My humanity? I know I have love—I know I have your love, but it is not enough to fill that void, or longing for I have no idea what. Maybe –God? The more I get incorporated within God—the more I feel I am not—an other paradox. Maybe it is when we get a tiny glimpse do we realize what we are actually missing . Maybe this is what happens as we get older, and these feelings is the actual desire to exit this life—the longing to be forever joined with the “Eternal”.  Maybe all this is God`s way of  killing off our ego—so that the eternal plan of His creation is fulfilled.  The desire of all material is burnt off –in almost as an offering to Him as we once more desire to be with Him forever.  Escape from these earthly chains into the arms of His love-which is love itself.

Thus-you see I don`t miss you—How can one miss something that is not missing? In truth—thoughts of you go far beyond all these earthly realms. I am not writing this for dramatic affects at all, for it is the truth.  I feel we are very  “OK”—but it is this “marking time point”  at this spiritual juncture of the present that confuses me. It makes me uncomfortable, this internal agitation, this enormous apprehension within my heart, as I don`t understand it. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop—and I don`t even know that I have shoes!

I know you know what I am trying to say and can`t express myself reasonably—you have been here, and keep returning here also. One cannot seem to step ahead for some reason. That is why I think we dabble is so many things—to find some rational answer—but hell we don`t even know the question-this is very frustrating. No wonder ignorance is bliss—not that I consider myself a great thinker, but the more I think the more I realize the futility of life. Instead of the waters clearing, it is becoming more and more murky. Maybe there is a light  beyond these waters—I wonder.  Maybe just eternal darkness.

To my other self

To my other self-My Indigo Dragon :  Your words from the mouth of John O`Donahue from Anam Cara-

“Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by an act of will or intention. Friendship is always an act of recognition. This metaphor of friendship can be grounded in the clay nature of the human body. When you find the person you love, an act of ancient recognition brings you together. It is as if millions of years before the silence of nature broke, your lover’s clay and your clay lay side by side. Then in the turning of the seasons, your one clay divided and separated. You began to rise as distinct clay forms, each housing a different individuality and destiny. Without even knowing it, your secret memory mourned your loss of each other.

While your clay selves wandered for thousands of years through the universe, your longing for each other never faded. This metaphor helps to explain how in the moment of friendship two souls suddenly recognize each other. It could be a meeting on the street, or at a party or a lecture, or just a simple, banal introduction, then suddenly there is the flash of recognition and the embers of kinship glow. There is an awakening between you, a sense of ancient knowing. Love opens the door of ancient recognition. You enter. You come home to each other at last. As Euripides said, “Two friends, one soul.”

Blossoming of a human soul

  

   


                        Letter to remember from Indigo Dragon-27/8/2013

A report on the blossoming of a human soul

The thing of it is, cica, my cousin Claudia is dying. Her doctors gave her five years, at most, and that was after her last operation in the spring of this year. She is forty-two. We might not ever see her again. 

The last time I saw her was about eight years ago, at my brother's wedding. And it is so terribly sad. I look at her now, as though for the very first time, and I just want to cry because I've known her my whole life and never actually saw her at all. We grew up together. Her brother lives in the house where our great-grandma died, but that is how it is. You never actually see people until it is too damn late, or nearly so.

What I have never witnessed before, until now...and I honestly don't think I will ever see it again, but you know--when the mystics speak of flowering, that is not a metaphor. Claudia may be dying, but her life is quite literally flowering before my very eyes. She has surrendered her life completely to the presence of God and he is working the miracle of the resurrection right before my very eyes. 

She has come home, sweetheart. I have lived my entire lifetime for this and only this and I am completely and utterly and forever unworthy of so sublime a gift as to witness a soul returned to God. Today the saints are smiling in heaven, for one of them will be among their number soon, or I am mad, and may i never remember sanity. Yes, I will be beneath the Jacaranda, because if I ever needed you, it is this night of all others, and but I need the Blessed Mother even more so and humbly beg for her presence.

Is it any wonder that I am feeling a bit discombobulated? Is it any wonder that I am feeling bloody confused--because the human farse continues on in its merry way, and I am playing along. Of course we are having a total blast together, and but I keep getting realities mixed up here--in the one i am bearing witness to the full blown Enlightenment of another human being, and in the other I am going through what everybody else who has ever been here before me has experienced in the grieving process. It's only natural that we are losing an angel. I've worked in hospice. I've heard it a million times.

But you know damn well, dearest, that I have lived my entire life for an experience that has not even happened to me now, and which probably never will. And here it is anyway. I really don't get it. And worst of all, I'm helplessly in love with what God is manifesting here, right before my very eyes, and my silly-ass cousin gets right into the thick of it, as usual, and that without even trying. ROFL. That is so you. If anybody gets enlightened it would naturally be an Aries. Even if they don't even smell it, only they would be so bold as to take the prise as a matter of course! LOL

What's even funnier is that Claudia would think I were completely off my gosh darn rocker if she knew what I was going through on her account. She singlehandedly runs a farming collective in Bavaria, and it wasn't for an excess of imagination that she was ever scolded. No, quite to the contrary. It would never occur to her. Or hell, maybe it would, though for such scruples as, "which one of these things doesn't belong with the others," well, she would probably  just go into shock.

And like I said, I didn't see it coming. At all, at all. 

And it is all rather odd because I was thinking to myself just the other day that my emotions were not fully to be trusted. Now I seem to remember what I was praying for when I tossed that penny into the fountain the other day (and this, at least is true).

Quite honestly, I take this shit really seriously. (See how many voices are coming through me? Can you count them all?)

"Anyhow....if my ever loving, totally loveless and clueless ego is the first and last thing standing between me and that which i am witnessing."

To whit...the voice of the devil. Didn't you know that he was here too? I have a really interesting story to tell you...about a werewolf. A true story, as all such teaching stories are.

--by the way....if the Oliver whom you know and love is all of these characters, then who is left? Who am I? All of them? No wonder you think of me as mercurial. When my yoga instructor and I met he thought I was introducing myself with the words, "I'm all over"

But seriously, I will ask you to send my little cousin some reiki, and your prayers, to whichever angels and saints might rally behind someone who has never heard of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, but who might very well be her spiritual sister, as she has become mine.

And okay...I know what you are thinking. How could an unenlightened soul ever recognize the real thing, and I will concede the point, but not in my case. Life takes place on so many levels, and most all of them are hopelessly tangled up. But my sister asks me the same thing, namely, "how do you know what you are listening for when you pray?" and all I can answer is that I just know, in exactly the same way that I know that i am alive. Kinda begs the question, huh? But no, it doesn't, because you know enlightenment in..well, nobody knows, and no-one can tell you, because maybe there was never anybody there. LOL

The fundamental insight of the Tibetan Vajrajana is precisely this, that enlightenment is but a skillful means (a benevolent delusion). Maybe that is all any of us are. LOL

Later, my Alf hart.

(we will joust beneath her branches. all of us. should be quite the orgy.)

all-over

Is there a protocol for any of whatever is going on in my life right now? I want you to keep this series of letters aside because I get a sense that one day I am going to need to read them again, if only to tell me how naive I was back then, within this now. Would you do that for me? It occurs to me not infrequently that maybe I am dreaming that I am awakening...only when I finally do wake up, it won't be the coffee I will be smelling. LOL. That would not be typical of you, but I would not put it past myself, because what I am is so scary I couldn't run as fast away from it as I am running towards it. Even Rumi felt that fear. Right to the core. Maybe God is being merciful with me, reeling me in slowly
-o

PS-I guess I am back to posting a few things once more  for posterity--or is that legacy perhaps?
Your other Alf hart 

Shaken faith

At times life is so overwhelming that it is truly takes the strength of Hercules to carry on with life, yet we must. We are social beings and yet soften one desires solitude to reflect and to deal with ones inner turmoil. No wonder that looking at groups of people generally the cloistered ones, the  ones who give themselves to prayer, to god are often the most well balanced. Also they are the ones who most easily cope with death. Funny thing death for we all eventually end up facing it—yet is anyone or anything dies we grieve for it. If we truly believe –we should rejoice—but we don`t.

This question of death has arisen this week –regarding Michel, and today regarding our sweet little cat Cici. As you once put it sweetheart –it is irrelevant who dies—be it the death of a beloved  goldfish that the cat ate or the cat that died because it dies of illness—death is death and we grieve—and our heart breaks.

Why are we wired this way—for most of us say that there is an afterlife—of some sort, yet we say we believe, yet we grieve even if we swear that we have the faith . This tells me that perhaps there is doubt and we don`t really a 100%. I believe, I pray, I believe in miracles, I experience demonstrations of all kinds of proof—but not concrete. God or His angels never appear and explain—all we have is this subtle awareness—but then that maybe wishful thinking . But then maybe God is testing our faith—our belief in Him, our love for Him. At times I am so sure and at times I have no idea at all and I am totally lost. No one ever came back from death—ever, well apart from Our Lord, But then even that is questionable—did He?

These times when death is on the horizon we are tested and shaken to our core--, But then how does one explain praying and people getting well? Would they have become well without prayer--? Scientific testing proves that prayer works—then what is prayer? Simply flow of energy from one to an other –when the other is depleted. This makes no sense either—In fact nothing makes sense at all.

You-darling also forever question this—one day you believe whole heartedly, the other you are simply also are lost—sadly this is being human. Even with your NDE—maybe it was a game your mind played on you--!If not then why is your faith always not constant –instead of waxing and waning? You said you would come back from death for love—then added love for me. If that is a possibility—then why are not more people back and happy? And what is the purpose of all of this “life exercise”? What is the purpose? We say we do  know, understand, yet we shake our heads for reality paints a different picture—though one sees all the miracles around, one still has tremendous doubts.

Why does not God reveal Himself/Herself? What is the purpose of that? Woudn`t it be so much easier if we really knew—or would we then simply tow the line in fear—is this is the manifestation of free will? We go up and down like a yo-yo—be it a humble ordinary person—or I am sure even the Pope himself. Thus then what is this short life of our actually? Ascending to higher dimension, becoming more enlightened, expanding, becoming more god-like—all these terms are simply words to give us a sense of peace I think—for the truth is hidden—if there is one. Maybe there isn`t—maybe the atheists are right—for even Jesus doubted on the cross when he called out to God—“My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” And perhaps He was forsaken--.

Yes—I have conversations with Our Lady —but am I really? She always says the truth I have to admit—but that may simply be a lucky guess on my part, maybe being more sensitive and picking up vibrations—or what is it? You say and state many things—even things I cannot comprehend—but do you actually believe it in the core of your soul—or just think these things are true—almost like wishful thinking.

Why hasn’t anyone come back? Why do people who say remember past life cannot remember surnames? Why not one out of 7 billion only  a few who remember simply brief moments which cannot be really documented. So, why does not God reveal Himself/Herself—or Themselves for that matter? By this time at least a person or two should have been able to catch God in the act-no? None have.

Angels, ascended beings, other dimensional beings—visitations from advanced soul and the like—all none are proved. I don`t need scientific proof, but proof of my eyes—the rest matters not of what the world thinks. What is the purpose of life—of creation? Where do animals fit it? What is soul? Who has it—all everything that lives? What is the difference—is one superior to an other—if that is the case—is that fair?

Oh—yes we feel superior—we know and keep stating dozens of times daily—the mantra of love. Do I actually believe it or I just want to feel superior? Do I want to feel good and perhaps lull myself into an illusion of an afterlife which is better than this one—try to convince myself that all will be fine and we shall live on. That—all is love, light, energy and we are part of this “super consciousness of divine creation”—a fractal of the “Divine Creator, God itself”--. All we need is love. All is love. Love is the mover and shaker of creation--. We are part of God, we are God—we are divine aspect of God. I wonder about all of this when all the world is one big chaotic mess—from order moving into entropy continually.

Man since the dawn of time needed to feel that there is something more—perhaps that is what kept and keeps creation going—this hope of a better , eternal future. Today I am at a bit of a loss, sitting on the fence so to speak—though my faith is strong—but as it is also said the flesh is weak—and that incorporates my brain and my thinking—when I see death on the horizon. Lord God—just give me a sign –that shall never shake my belief in you—but then why would you—I am sure many has asked before and they have had no response. So-why should I be different than the 7 billion other—I am not—probably in the bottom pile, yet I keep wondering. I say and state many thing-quote the spiritual gurus-but I have no idea at all. I have no idea if I actually believe in my heart and  what my brain is saying. Tomorrow I may feel totally different.

Is a tree heard?

Is a tree being heard when it falls in the forest?

Who hears it? Perhaps God. I have been thinking of this a while-especially about you and writing. In your life I am sure you have out written Hemingway, Tolstoy and a few others rolled into one. Thus I wonder why is it that it is simple written onto secret pages and filed away into dark caves or in dusty files in your computer never to be opened. One can always have a pen name if you don not want people to know whom you are— then at least you feel that you are of value to the world, that your words are being heard, even by one is very important to the human soul—but more so to the world. That is very gratifying, and every word that is positive, every thought that has good intent will change the world. True—you may not see it, but it does –perhaps at the other side of the planet. This internet has magical qualities, and one has no idea who the written words may touch, what flame it may ignite and what light it may convey in the darkness.

As it is said –we all have a story to tell, whether we are great, famous or simply living a humble life in a small town somewhere-we are all equally important in the eyes of God, we are part of the creation, are the living unfolding of God Himself in the material expression. How extremely special we are! We take all for granted—we live either in the “yesterday” or in “the tomorrow”—and we hardly ever appreciate the “now”. In reality—this is only what really exists, and of course God.

So in affect what I am trying to say is that—we should sing, dance and shout our words, our truth, our reality from the rooftops in appreciation for “just being life”—we are simply light manifesting in matter and we hardly take a moment to think about it. I am certainly not a talented writer, my words are simple, not as many nor as complicated as yours—but I wish that at least one or two people read my word—which I know they do. I am eternally grateful for that—not for the accolades, not for pride simply for humility and in gratefulness that maybe, just maybe I may make someone think of some thought, some action some event that without me would not have come about in their lives. We are all connected—we all have a responsibility to make this planet a better place, we all are responsible for each other—that is simply the way God created us. We are all of one light, one consciousness, and one Divine Being.

Thus I shall write here and there –and that tree falling in the forest will be heard by someone—even though I will not know—but creation, my oversoul shall know. In humbleness and in gratefulness—and in love, in glory, in praise to Our Divine Creator from whom all things spring forth through love, compassion and mercy.

Just is....

.

  Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings....
and then some! 

All that is /was

.
Time Passes.. Memories Fade.. Feelings Change.. People Leave..
But our Heart never Forgets...

Whatever Relation we build up in this world, the only thing that remains at last is the "Loneliness"... With lots and lots of "Memories''... and the love that never ceases only grows.
-paraphrased form Rumi

Learning

It often astound me at how our soul evolves—one day what is earth movingly important , once lived becomes mundane and ordinary once we live it, or overcome it. We move on –and a say what next.

This idea bubbled to the surface as I am on face book more frequently and many lives are seen unfolding right in front of me , personalities are seen clearer and one can see how the same we really are. We think we are different, and yet nothing can be further from the truth. The more people I read, the more I see the similarities—not one is different that an other, meaning –“I”. Mostly this realization has come forth because of an interaction of a certain couple—where I—we have been. I thought we were so different, so special, so unique there was no one like us—how egotistical of me, how absurd even to think that. This is how God taught me the lesson, and He taught me well.

I have come to the conclusion that the only difference is that one is a moment ahead  or in the same place or an other a moment behind—but all going through the same motions of “soul expansion, soul experience” as I like to put it. I see wonderful quotes, references observations-some serious, some dramatic, some happy, some sad, some light, some spiritual, some esoteric, some romantic—and in each one I see part of myself.  

I was always aware of this but non so more than now—especially regarding the interchanges FB regarding a few souls. I smile—and within my heart I say; “been there, done that, have the T-shirt”. The thought is not of the feeling that I am more evolved, more ahead, more enlightened—not at all—on the contrary just the opposite. I realize how very little we know, how little we are enlightened and how our feet are still are stuck in the mud. In fact—it is making me more and more humble each day as I read the entries—seeing how very much we are all one. And now all our lives are intertwined, and how we are responsible for that is happening, be that in this room, on the corner or a village in Africa where “we”—are dying of hunger, of  thirst, of disease and war . You, we are them, and they are us—we are all “I AM”….who is really GOD/Creator/Great Consciousness/Source whatever one wants to call that Divine Energy. 

This just not only goes regarding suffering—it is in all areas of spirit, soul—including the physical experiences. It is a great experiential exercise for me in so many ways—and makes me realize what and why we are really are here—gives me a moment for pause to think, reflect and recognize the “questions”-never mind the answers, for that is and will be an eternal mystery. What the purpose is, and what the journey is, and what the goal is---is the Grand Secret.  

As His Holiness the Dalai Lama put it: ”we still need many more lifetimes to become enlightened, so let us become human beings first”.