Shaken faith

At times life is so overwhelming that it is truly takes the strength of Hercules to carry on with life, yet we must. We are social beings and yet soften one desires solitude to reflect and to deal with ones inner turmoil. No wonder that looking at groups of people generally the cloistered ones, the  ones who give themselves to prayer, to god are often the most well balanced. Also they are the ones who most easily cope with death. Funny thing death for we all eventually end up facing it—yet is anyone or anything dies we grieve for it. If we truly believe –we should rejoice—but we don`t.

This question of death has arisen this week –regarding Michel, and today regarding our sweet little cat Cici. As you once put it sweetheart –it is irrelevant who dies—be it the death of a beloved  goldfish that the cat ate or the cat that died because it dies of illness—death is death and we grieve—and our heart breaks.

Why are we wired this way—for most of us say that there is an afterlife—of some sort, yet we say we believe, yet we grieve even if we swear that we have the faith . This tells me that perhaps there is doubt and we don`t really a 100%. I believe, I pray, I believe in miracles, I experience demonstrations of all kinds of proof—but not concrete. God or His angels never appear and explain—all we have is this subtle awareness—but then that maybe wishful thinking . But then maybe God is testing our faith—our belief in Him, our love for Him. At times I am so sure and at times I have no idea at all and I am totally lost. No one ever came back from death—ever, well apart from Our Lord, But then even that is questionable—did He?

These times when death is on the horizon we are tested and shaken to our core--, But then how does one explain praying and people getting well? Would they have become well without prayer--? Scientific testing proves that prayer works—then what is prayer? Simply flow of energy from one to an other –when the other is depleted. This makes no sense either—In fact nothing makes sense at all.

You-darling also forever question this—one day you believe whole heartedly, the other you are simply also are lost—sadly this is being human. Even with your NDE—maybe it was a game your mind played on you--!If not then why is your faith always not constant –instead of waxing and waning? You said you would come back from death for love—then added love for me. If that is a possibility—then why are not more people back and happy? And what is the purpose of all of this “life exercise”? What is the purpose? We say we do  know, understand, yet we shake our heads for reality paints a different picture—though one sees all the miracles around, one still has tremendous doubts.

Why does not God reveal Himself/Herself? What is the purpose of that? Woudn`t it be so much easier if we really knew—or would we then simply tow the line in fear—is this is the manifestation of free will? We go up and down like a yo-yo—be it a humble ordinary person—or I am sure even the Pope himself. Thus then what is this short life of our actually? Ascending to higher dimension, becoming more enlightened, expanding, becoming more god-like—all these terms are simply words to give us a sense of peace I think—for the truth is hidden—if there is one. Maybe there isn`t—maybe the atheists are right—for even Jesus doubted on the cross when he called out to God—“My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” And perhaps He was forsaken--.

Yes—I have conversations with Our Lady —but am I really? She always says the truth I have to admit—but that may simply be a lucky guess on my part, maybe being more sensitive and picking up vibrations—or what is it? You say and state many things—even things I cannot comprehend—but do you actually believe it in the core of your soul—or just think these things are true—almost like wishful thinking.

Why hasn’t anyone come back? Why do people who say remember past life cannot remember surnames? Why not one out of 7 billion only  a few who remember simply brief moments which cannot be really documented. So, why does not God reveal Himself/Herself—or Themselves for that matter? By this time at least a person or two should have been able to catch God in the act-no? None have.

Angels, ascended beings, other dimensional beings—visitations from advanced soul and the like—all none are proved. I don`t need scientific proof, but proof of my eyes—the rest matters not of what the world thinks. What is the purpose of life—of creation? Where do animals fit it? What is soul? Who has it—all everything that lives? What is the difference—is one superior to an other—if that is the case—is that fair?

Oh—yes we feel superior—we know and keep stating dozens of times daily—the mantra of love. Do I actually believe it or I just want to feel superior? Do I want to feel good and perhaps lull myself into an illusion of an afterlife which is better than this one—try to convince myself that all will be fine and we shall live on. That—all is love, light, energy and we are part of this “super consciousness of divine creation”—a fractal of the “Divine Creator, God itself”--. All we need is love. All is love. Love is the mover and shaker of creation--. We are part of God, we are God—we are divine aspect of God. I wonder about all of this when all the world is one big chaotic mess—from order moving into entropy continually.

Man since the dawn of time needed to feel that there is something more—perhaps that is what kept and keeps creation going—this hope of a better , eternal future. Today I am at a bit of a loss, sitting on the fence so to speak—though my faith is strong—but as it is also said the flesh is weak—and that incorporates my brain and my thinking—when I see death on the horizon. Lord God—just give me a sign –that shall never shake my belief in you—but then why would you—I am sure many has asked before and they have had no response. So-why should I be different than the 7 billion other—I am not—probably in the bottom pile, yet I keep wondering. I say and state many thing-quote the spiritual gurus-but I have no idea at all. I have no idea if I actually believe in my heart and  what my brain is saying. Tomorrow I may feel totally different.