Soul block!

Soul block!

At times one wants to write, but the words will not come, yet these are most profound messages from the soul—the idea, the image is there but for some inexplicable reason one just stares at the black page.  Often these are such important observations that want to escape from spirit, yet I think ego hold onto the reigns so tight as not to allow the escape of one thought in fear of being defeated by spirit.

Why is this? To me it seems that there is a war being waged between spirit and ego—those times that follow these periods are often the most rewarding in expressing all that lies hidden in the soul. This unfolding of the heart often lies deeper within spirit and is given life often through a passage of darkness—well, what am I saying , you so well know this. I think the way you put it was: ”trawling for pearls in deep , dark murky waters” I wonder if you have found it, or have you not returned from the ”netherworld” yet?  I wonder often how we actually arrived at this point. I only have control over my own heart, at best—for probably it is all predestined we are merely passing though the motions on our way to our final destination. But- really  I am not here to discuss us, for all has already been etched in stone.

My mind wanders in so many different direction these days. I cannot seem to focus on one specific thing. My emotions are as variable as the weather these days, - what to me one day seems like water to my thirsty spirit,  most important to the survival of my very soul—the next day seems, totally  unimportant-what a paradox. I seem to be fluctuating from peaks to valleys-and my perception of the world each day seems to appear in a different light . I am not depressed, neither am I happy-I feel I am searching for something and know not what.  Often my mind is filled with ideas of death—not a longing for it, but looking at my life and observing it from a distance almost as if it weren`t mine—with the realization that death sits in waiting. Then I wonder-“then what?”  My faith is deep—but I still have doubts which I would like to dispel. How? The more I think, pray, meditate—the more restless I become almost to a point of frustration.

No—it is not you, you are always present . These surges from my unconscious mind have nothing to do with us whatsoever –thus in a way I am  probably going through the same cycles as you do—maybe even at the same time- or perhaps I take up on the idea feelings , emotions when you leave off—thus we seem to navigate though the passages of our earthly life.  The concern to me is, that things instead of becoming more clear, are ever falling into more confusion. I wonder why that is? I thought I knew—and as the moments of my life tick down, I realize that I haven`t the foggiest clue about anything—and question the very idea of existence. It is a most horrible feeling—it is a feeling of loss in a way. But a loss of what ? My humanity? I know I have love—I know I have your love, but it is not enough to fill that void, or longing for I have no idea what. Maybe –God? The more I get incorporated within God—the more I feel I am not—an other paradox. Maybe it is when we get a tiny glimpse do we realize what we are actually missing . Maybe this is what happens as we get older, and these feelings is the actual desire to exit this life—the longing to be forever joined with the “Eternal”.  Maybe all this is God`s way of  killing off our ego—so that the eternal plan of His creation is fulfilled.  The desire of all material is burnt off –in almost as an offering to Him as we once more desire to be with Him forever.  Escape from these earthly chains into the arms of His love-which is love itself.

Thus-you see I don`t miss you—How can one miss something that is not missing? In truth—thoughts of you go far beyond all these earthly realms. I am not writing this for dramatic affects at all, for it is the truth.  I feel we are very  “OK”—but it is this “marking time point”  at this spiritual juncture of the present that confuses me. It makes me uncomfortable, this internal agitation, this enormous apprehension within my heart, as I don`t understand it. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop—and I don`t even know that I have shoes!

I know you know what I am trying to say and can`t express myself reasonably—you have been here, and keep returning here also. One cannot seem to step ahead for some reason. That is why I think we dabble is so many things—to find some rational answer—but hell we don`t even know the question-this is very frustrating. No wonder ignorance is bliss—not that I consider myself a great thinker, but the more I think the more I realize the futility of life. Instead of the waters clearing, it is becoming more and more murky. Maybe there is a light  beyond these waters—I wonder.  Maybe just eternal darkness.