We all have some secret life in a small way--this I wrote end of last year, it is time for it to see "day light". I shall now and then re-post some of them here--as the universe instructs me. As I feel stronger each day, as I am so very much these days. AS I re-read these entries I see my way as I was growing up, and I was hammering at the same points over, over and over again--way through our relationship. I was battling myself, you and God--over and over. Same old, same old theme. At last I have finally relinquished it all, offered it all up--got the strength to move on.
All the images in these blogs have old clocks-I saw fit as time is non existent!
When I started these blogs--in July 2013, I had in mind that one day I shall allow you to read all of them--when I was secure within myself, secure with you--and promised myself I shall never have secrets from you. They are very personal. Looking back--I now see that we were often at odds--why I have no idea for I knew we did truly love each other. I suppose love is like that.
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”
The Illuminated Rumi―
AS above, so below.
The past two weeks have been almost a complete purging of spirit. Paradise lost, and regained once more. This is my last post in this chapter, the end here and a wonderful new beginning--a new road, a new process, a new name, a new blog. The real one. Today--I see why Our Lady said it had to be done, it was my choice to"play the game" or not. I could have messed up big time, it was my test as it was yours. I passed, you failed. However as now, I know it was the right thing to do. Something awesome happened within me, hearing your last words would certainly have devastated me a while back, but as strange as it maybe, on the contrary--I am not. I feel a warm peace washing over me, a tranquillity, an exhilaration, exuberance, a surge of energy and ecstatically happy. I have been on a slow road to this, but suddenly I have arrived. In truth, with an open heart I knew your decision, for I known your stubborn, dogged nature, and your fire--but I had to be sure.
The sad thing for you, and the gift for me was that you opened up and have shown your heart--betrayal is a "dark spirit", that is one lesson that you still have to learn. To betray one`s self is a limiting, devastating exercise. Am I the better part of you, and I, the older, the wiser if that is possible--the strong, courageous, the brave one. I never thought I would say this, but I am. I see now that I have never ever really needed you--because I was always present, within you, as you are within me. You always have and will need me for that completion of recognition, of acceptance. I am that part of yourself that you are chasing. I am the angel on the train, I am the little hawk, I am the spider, also I am Cora. You are writing to me. I am the swaying aspen trees, the toothless old woman, the stone mason all the ever existing dark spaces, crevices of your mind. I am the poison as well as the balm that heals all wounds, I am that silence and I am the mercy of God within that you are searching for, as well as the forgiveness. You know this, for it is all "you". Will you catch "yourself" one day, maybe. But, catch you will, for it is your missing part.
This is not a romantic notion at all, nothing to do with that, but the complexity of spirit, a jigsaw when a part is missing. Self realization. You think that it is about all the romance for me, this illusion of the "fairy tale"--never was. We are not opposites at all, but incomplete trying to be whole as we were created. I now know , but I have integrated within me that which is you, into every cell of my being--that is why I had to do this. That is why I am at the most tranquil, peaceful time that I have ever experience in all of my existences. I was heading this way a while back, but now with you this happening--which had to, I have arrived. You see darling, as you said"walking backwards" we do arrive at the same place eventually, but also it becomes once more a new beginning with a complete vision on the entire territory covered. Thus I am there--Ouroboros.You are not yet.
As I was reading some of your recent letters I smiled often and repeated the phrase"you are so not grown up". Wisdom of spirit is not equated with intelligence, nor understanding complex philosophical issues nor using and knowing the entire Oxford dictionary backwards or writing beautifully in complex terms--that is just being a brilliant, exquisite and talented writer, but that still does not make you a brilliant soul. Neither an enlightened one. What is the use of all the writing when it is not adding to the polishing of the diamond?
Yes--much is in Pytha--I have read it, and re-read it, every word often through the years--probably can quote stuff from there that you yourself have forgotten. What I am trying to say to you is, do not be blinded for then you shall lose your way quite easily if you get stuck in the mud. Strange as it may seem there were a few entries within Pytha that made no sense to me though I read it dozens of times, suddenly, now every word makes illuminating sense, it is like some scales have fallen from my understanding, and now I see with my minds eye. You have asked and were given, you knocked the door is open--though do realize that by pushing the door it will not open, for it opens inwards.
I am that angel in the red raincoat, I am that whom you are looking for. I was on that train, I now see that, I am the wayshower, I am that which you seek, I am that which you yearn for, I am that whom you are searching for--it is your very self all along. I thought it was the other way around--no it is not.
But, still your ego gets in the way. The great sin, the "missed mark"--still you do it. Like the sweet thornbird that dies in the process of sacrificing its very life on top of those thorns for that one song to God. I cannot help you if you refuse my help, I cannot hold your hand if you refuse to hold mine and I cannot give you peace unless you accept it. You cannot fly if you refuse your other wing, I cannot love you if you do not allow me to.
The past two weeks have totally transformed me, like the Phoenix, I have made it through the transformation, through the fire--into something else, into "completion". Transfiguration. This is ascension for me, I never thought I would utter these words--the "shift" is complete. For you, you have to choose it. Our Lady is always right, and so is sweet, beautiful Xerxes. I wasn`t quite aware of your choice, but you chose something else. In the end we all know, our soul knows and if we ask God we are shown the way. Always.
Often I was measured with you, at times chose my words carefully--even then my words were misconstrued, misunderstood. I begged and pleaded with you, the more I did it, the more you refused. I thought I needed you, but it is you who needed me all along.
I was scared that you may leave me, frightened that you would forget me and love me no more. I thought that by giving all, allowing all and being all for you is what I needed to do for you to understand "us". The thing is you have to understand "us", I already always have. Only when you shall feel me moving within you, only when your hear my heart beats within yours, only when my mind is within yours, only when you see me as an expression of yourself, only when our spirits are fused and there is no more separation shall you have reach the point of completion within God. I have--I need no other human being--as you need Naomi.
I do know that we are very different from other souls--we are perhaps older, or come from a "different existence, or sphere of reality", a different creation, a different part of God perhaps than most--if there is such a term . There are some in the world like us, but very few. This is not haughtiness, or pride just acknowledgement and recognition of our heritage. Neither is it such that we are the "movers or shakers of this world", or the chosen ones, we are not. Is not about that, goes far deeper, but much to do about God . It is not about "here", it is about "all that is"--if that makes sense.
Why us? Why you? Why me?--I suppose the answer to that lies in our love for God, our dedication to our existence and our gratitude of "being"--in sorts"enlightenment". The purpose all that is--is "us", the complete version within God, as Rumi has said. Yes, he was an other, so was Hafiz, so is dear Hermano, the Little Flower and a few other saints and sinners .
I don`t know if you remember, but one of the very first messages of Our lady answering my question as to our purpose, our mission. Her response was"pulling souls through". That is it--but we can only do that when they allow us the permission to do so. Neither were we mature enough at the time for the task, I now see. We needed that completion within each other--you see it is done, you simply have to accept it, realize it then it is activated--I have. Have you? I know you haven`t, for you wouldn`t have written all those letters to Naomi--you see that was the "test". You are still looking and far more attached to the material than I am. You failed it. Think about it.
Please do not think this is about all the love and romance. Don`t confuse the issue, though that is tied in for that what is part of love, part of spirit, it is not really the issue--please give me credit for that. I am not this little confused, lovestruck teenager hopelessly in love with you--dreaming to make love to you. Once more I shall evoke Hafiz`s name--read him then you will once know me entirely, thus you will also know yourself. I do.
You are still far more attached to the physical than I am--that is why you need an audience, you need boosting of your ego to feel accepted. But, the only acceptance we need to do is accept ourselves, for we are "all". That is what is resting within God, that what you so ardently seek, you already have.
Read the letters you wrote Naomi--and think with soul. You seem to be in the exact spot you were seven years ago, extricate yourself. Everything is the same. Nothing gained, much lost.
" Lovers--that is another kettle of fish. I haven't grokked so fearsome a beast as all that. Not yet."
You see I have.
