Diamonds

 It is true that we completely renew ourselves every seven years, every single cell and atom. If we truly, honestly look at ourselves we realize how we keep changing-the metamorphosis is amazing and rather miraculous. A brand new being emerges each time-encompassing every aspect of our inner and outer life. That is why I think that often relationships don`t work, for maybe seven years prior it did, then our needs change, our desires and wants are completely different-we shape-shift into an other being. I am often amazed at myself how differently I am feeling, how differently I see things and how differently I conduct my life as to just a few years ago. And-to be honest, I really don`t like the feeling, nor all the changes-for at times it is  hard to adept to our “new self”. I love stability and permanence-and thus I dream of such times.

I wonder if this is a good thing or not-for I like to be anchored and abhor instability, for me certain things should be “forever’’, however that is a delusion that we, romantics harbor in our heart. We wish, we hope , we dream of  “the magical” –and so often we are disappointed and crushed when we realize that such things  like ”living happily ever after” are only in the fairy tales and  knights on white horses never slay that fire breathing dragon that we fear so much-which lies really within each one of us- in our heart, within, not without. 

We all want to be saved by an other soul, be wanted by an other soul, be desired by that one special someone-who is our hero.  We desperately need a hero. Do we create the dragon for that reason? I don`t know. Perhaps it is embedded in our gene memory-wanting to be wanted, wanting to be needed, wanting to be loved. But-alas, life is not a fairy tale-though we create it all, but still our creation is rather imperfect-and disappointment is always king.

So —sensitive souls like Woolfe, Plath, Hemmingway and many more such people saw through the smoke screen-and saw clearly life as it is, and saw no reason to carry on. Were they right?  Maybe. I often agree, then at times I don`t- for I still feel that –“yang” the positive, the bright, the light, still out weighs “yin” the negative, the dim, the dark. Thus-until I feel differently-as my life flows on into those tiny, secret crevices in which one never knows what one may find- a piece of coal or a diamond.   I so dream of that diamond.