Ode to Joy

Everything that turns up in one`s life has a specific reason, a purpose, a goal at whatever time it appears. This is hard to face at times-but the wisdom of the body knows -the "why", it is never just a coincidence, but synchronicity. A need to manifest itself. So this evening was one of those times.

 Tonight we listened to a contemporary rock concert from Budapest, recorded at “The State Opera House”-the show is called “Rocktopia” on PBS. It was really a great show, but it didn`t make me feel good at all-it rather made me fall into the abyss of deep darkness. It contained so much stuff, that it was far too overwhelming –a total “spiritual avalanche” for my very being, where emotions and feelings just poured out of my mind.  It was a mixture of “classical” with “classical rock” music-and all brought back so many memories for me. Was it good ? Should have been. But no-actually-it made me rather sad and pensive about all of life, for each and every moment brought back something from my past-including a song that  my daughter had gifted me  on my 32^nd birthday, when she was just 10 years old.

All the memories came cascading back-like huge engulfing waves. Memories upon memories of thoughts from the past of the way things were, way things are, that have been filed away years ago, came crashing back onto me.  Painful reminders of how things were-people, places and events, that are no longer there, that no longer exist. The finality of life suddenly hit me with full force. Had I been watching alone, I would have turned off the TV after the first piece-but I bravely soldiered on without saying a word, in silence. My heart weeping tears of sadness, and still is, even now.

 I was always very fond of music. All kinds of music, from the latest to the classics. It has always been a major part of my life. But lately-well the past few years I have hardly listened to anything from my previous life. Well very little, just neutral things that have no emotional or sentimental ties. It is far too painful to listen to all the notes that have touched my soul-all tied to some memory. The thing is-that whether those times were happy or sad, it is very painful now. I just cannot listen to anything from my past these days.

 The only music I was listening the past few years was to was Leonard Cohen-but since he died, the music has died with him. I cannot even think of listening to him-I don`t think I ever shall. Death does this to me-in any form be that a death of a relationship, or the artist. Oh, what strange webs we weave-often entangle our very self within our own web. 

 So, I decided sometime ago to hide all the music that has touched me, that was part of me, all from sight.  Though I have added new ones to my “emotional repertory”-those from the present. These are still “okay”-they too will perhaps in time be shelved I am sure.

 This odd connection to music is rather a new phenomena for me-I have tried to analyze myself as to why I feel this way; but I have no answer.  Maybe it is a reflection of  getting older, or just getting old-whatever it is I just want it to pass me by. Beethoven`s “Ode to Joy” does not make me feel joyful at all these days-I so wish to drink from the waters of Lethe tonight. Yes, time to tap- "physician heal thyself".