There
are some days that I want to say so much, yet no words come. As I said the
other day life goes in cycles and somehow today are one of those days. We are
such a strange species wanting, needing so much from each other, yet when we
have it we don`t appreciate it. We only miss it once it is gone or
realize its value. For some reason God created us only to be happy, fulfilled
only momentarily as someone said the other day-"there is only the future
and the past, for the present is already a memory this very moment
already".
Yesterday , I thought about this as I was coming up in the lift with a man and a little
girl coming home from school, I asked her if she likes school, the dad answered
-"sure`, he said,: " wish I were in school" . I answered
in response ," Isn`t it funny that when we are children we want to grow
up so quickly, yet when we are grown up we want to be children once
more". Now how ironic is that?
Strange, as
a child I was already aware of this always taking a mental picture of the
moment saying to myself to remember and not to forget. I actually remember
many of those moments like a movie. I think I always appreciated and tried, as I
do now to live in the moment though now, I feel the moments seem shorter and
shorter and are becoming much harder. I mean literally time-wise shorter, maybe
because as one gets older our expectations have run out, or we don`t have that
much to look forward to our imagination gets old and all fun leaves us as we
face all the stress of daily living. It gives me a strange chill to think that
I have less time before me than behind me and what have I actually produced or
done with my life. maybe today is one of those soul-searching days you would
call "trawling in the depths" Yeah, in the depths of what? Despair,
regrets would have, could haves, should haves.
A
movie on days like this comes to mind-"Loose change”-yes we all have
become loose change. Once we were shinny, newly minted, all these great dreams,
wishes, plans and then we got lost, rolled into cracks and become tarnished eventually
getting back and melted down and our essence lost. We become nothing .
Shall we leave our mark? What legacy? I have no idea. How about you?
No
matter where I look I see dissatisfaction, unhappiness and frustration, no
matter who it is. Money and fame make no difference man is an unhappy creature
at heart someone said this I have no idea whom, but whoever it was sure
intelligent. Yes, ignorance is bliss. I wish at times I could just turn off my
thinking and get lost . Buddha was right I remember when we were in Thailand
and the tour guide saying that when he sat under the Bodhi tree this is
what he realized that life is simply four stages-,"born, live, sick ,
die" Guess Gautama was sure one well enlightened soul.
Looking back what did
you think you would be now? I sure envisioned a different life for myself would
you have taken steps in a different direction. I sure would have though I
really hate to admit it , for I can`t really say that I am unhappy. I have
unhappy moments that is when I think and acknowledge people who drink, and do
drugs, it is a way of escape. And today is one of those days I wish I could
escape somewhere out of this world into a different one.
Do I fear death. Yes,
especially the unknown. I have faith, yet there is small doubt greater or
lesser at times, but never gone. But then I have this strange thought where
are all those people gone who have died that are now gone. My father, grandfather,
Mamo, Leslie , other loved ones and
even a few of my patients for goodness sake. Imagine they were here
-lived, breathed, loved and now; where are they? I see your frustration and
the way you feel just that you are frequenting this space more frequently than
I.
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