What is it all about?

Alfie: What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket. Some nice threads, fancy car at my disposal, and I'm single. Yeah... unattached, free as a bird... I don't depend on nobody. Nobody depends on me. My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have that, you've got nothing. So... So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself. What's it all about? You know what I mean?-Movie:Alfie/1966

Sadly, I have a school friend in South Africa who is very sick-she has cancer. Just yesterday we were children sitting behind those oak desks in the convent, now she is dying.  Life is really cruel to everyone, for eventually we all get there. The saddest part is that the living suffer really, the dead-well they go wherever they have to go as so many have gone there before-either to eternity, or nothingness. 

I don`t even want to think what it all actually means-I pray she will get better, but I fear that my faith at this point is not as deep as it should be. I have to admit that though I pray for her to get better, I greatly fear in my heart that she will not. I am sure that she has no idea how much she is on my mind, daily. I makes me terribly sad. Only God can help, and at times He, for some of is own reasons seems to abandon us. I am sure He is not, as He has the master plan, but being human we feel betrayed. We get to realize through such happenstance how final our life is, how terribly short and in the end nothing really matters apart from how we have lived and memories we have accumulated. We are but a star dust particle in the scheme of the cosmos-and that is a depressing concept in many ways. So the question from the movie is very true: ”What`s it all about?” is very poignant. “Not about much”, is my answer today-maybe tomorrow will be different. 

I have a terrible personality flaw, I wish I could change it. I am a very upbeat person anyone who knows me will tell you,  but I hold a dark secret: it takes very little to start me downhill into the abyss and into the depths. Though I don`t suffer from depression, but it is a kind of  “fear” that gets to me in many negative situations. I look like a very competent, strong person who is able to handle anything-but not really. It takes very little to start me in down the negative path. This is more often when people get ill around me or my life is in  “stuck mode”. It has never been about relationships, or my romantic life-that I handle very easily-but more the deeper dark side of life, especially regarding death-and not my own death but people I care for and love.

I had a normal childhood, but my parents did fight a lot. My mother was always very unhappy and forever wanted to leave my father. She never did, though she did pack up a number of times, but in those days women coudn`t really survive on their own, and an other thing was me. I was an only child for a long time and  grew up amongst adults, so I was very grown up at an early age-and because of that she would confide in me . Oh, not about anything sexual, but how unhappy she was. I was torn-I wanted her to be happy, but I never wanted them to break up. I prayed real hard every night that they would not.  She stayed, and often I feel guilty about it as the odd time she did say she stayed because of me. It is a huge burden to bear. Why I am mentioning all this here is those were the days when I was filled with enormous fear-and at those times even as a child I told myself that if they broke up, I would kill myself.  

This stayed with me-whenever things go wrong I think of killing myself, it gives me a sense of  feeling safety. Strange-but it does. It makes me feel that no matter what happens I have a sort of escape route. Maybe everybody feels this way at times and they don`t say-though I do see many people in a confidential way, and very few feel this way. Now, the question is would I do it? I really don`t think so. Also-back to relationships-never has the thought occurred to me relating to a man, love or romance. That I handle very easily and  get on with my life or maybe I am just not as romantic as I thought.

The danger with “fear” is that we all want to escape it, we don`t want to face it as it causes us grief and pain-and emotional pain is far worse that physical pain for the heart. So we try and do things to either dispel it or do something to forget about it. That is why many people take drugs, drink and find different methods of escape-some to a monastery or a convent. I suppose this is what I call: “the human tragedy”-the  realization that we are so very helpless in so many ways, when so many souls are suffering from sickness, war and deprivation.We are all on a quest -searching for some rational meaning in life, some peace, some solace. We just have to find that peace of mind somehow.