Maya

I was looking for something- and I opened my bookmarks-well I have many hundreds of  topics and  sites saved  that I once may have found important-and they are, but much has been forgotten. There  are so many fascinating topics to learn about, to think about , to contemplate.  From the weirdest, to the scientific and such fanciful  stuff. Throughout the years I have dabbled in so many things that it boggles even my own mind-yet, often the term “you use it or you lose it” is a great description. The problem is that, there are just so many things that you can be engaged with-the rest is filed away, often never to see daylight.

With the internet- it is truly the information highway, -but when does it become just too much? Maybe I need a few more synaptic connections, or an increase of grey matter, but it all seems far too overwhelming for me these days. I have retained only a fraction of what I have learnt, read-and the rest is lost somewhere in the convolutions of my brain. But I have to confess that there is also an other problem to all this-that is what used to really interest me, just dosn`t anymore. What was really important does not  stimulate my imagination. The same with TV- I don`t watch it at all-movies, neither.  The same for being a member in different groups- we just lose interest and fizz out.

We change-drastically. We go through cycles, and then we become bored very quickly. This is the same with relationships I guess-we get tired and it becomes the norm and dull and uninteresting . So then-what is constant? What is  lasting?  What is enduring in life? –Memories, photographs, old friends, soul friends,  family-though  we do have family wars; I am in one right now. 

I suppose  I have always been looking for enduring relationships-wanting  to make that “everlasting mark” on the soul of an other, as well as my own. Did I succeed, most times- I do think so. I always did my best in every way to make every moment meaningful  all the times  that we were together-always the thought at the back of my mind that life is "maya"- illusion really, and I should make sure that I somehow capture it all; sort of crystallize it-and somehow incorporate it all into my soul for always. For I know that " nothing is permanent but change"-and in a way passes.

The relationships that I have had, or have- are in a special place in my heart-and  I haven` t  really lost  any on the way; well, I remember one that ended on a sour  note and one is still in the air.  Meaning-that I am still friends with many of the people that I had  deep relationship with, even my very first boyfriend from when I was 15; - I was great friends with my husband till he died  suddenly. I still keep in touch- with people who I have loved, who have loved me. 

I have a saying; “one never can un-love an other person if you really loved them”- it may change from a passionate experience, to a slow burning relationship or a lasting friendship, -but it does not die. If it does, it never was love. In a way I have really been blessed for every single soul had a purpose in my life, and I hope I was the same  in theirs.

I had very few shallow connections-which makes even those special; I remember them too. Funny thing is- I remember each and everyone- and in detail. Well. Maybe I am just a romantic-I keep mementos of all sorts-perhaps that what makes me never forget. I admit I am a hoarder of memories.

Now is that a good thing? Or a bad thing ?-I don`t know- but I like being me.