Oxygen

These days I don`t drink at all—very little for one glass takes me over the edge and it is the key to unlock my heart, and I fall into the inferno of hell—and that is in buckets ; very dangerous for me. Then all possibilities arise, thus I try and keep clear. But—at times I have the need to remember—and then tears fall like rain from the sky—God I so wish I had never heard your name yet , I bless the day I heard it.  We are cursed and blessed , I am at least—you seem to be fine. I—not so, I am simply surviving all this with great difficulty and pain—and there is no end in sight—at all; at all. I have no idea why I did in my past life to deserve this—for in this life I have always tried to do the very best regarding all—yet it is not enough. Many days I curse the day put up Assisi, some days I  am in total gratefulness —I am so confused, and lost. It is a weakness to need another soul .  I so want to tear every memory from my mind and it is impossible--.It is all those letters—I curse and bless them that have put me in this position--.  I have not the emotional integrity, energy or the courage to burn them.

This is not spiritual advancement, but spiritual torture—and it is coming to a time when I shall be no longer to carry on with it. I know that probably not even reading this, that is fine—your spirit will know. I am just at the end of my rope and all. I am so depressed, lost, sad and invisible. My nights are filled with phantoms and all sorts of imaginings  —You see the thing is had you been more controlled with your words I would not feel such pain—but you said so much that I cannot forget . Whether you meant it or not—that is for you to know, but they were written, thus I binds me and I have no way of escape--.I cant break the binds, though they maybe simply thin as silk spider`s webs. Next time—learn: never say so much, especially if it is not what you feel. Though only know what you felt at that particular moment, maybe you did—I am no judge, but I feel so very awful, and terrible it is beyond all comprehension—my heart is in millions of pieces, broken and lost never to be found.

Yes—all my fault for having such a sensitive heart, soul as to allow you in—God I wish I were dead , truly. So many days—I love our Lady each morning my first words are to Her—but at times I feel She has abandoned me—though I am sure She hasn`t , just testing my love for Her. I adore and love Her, all is offered in trust to Her—and see what is happening. I lost You, I have lost all I have ever loved –all that I am.

And you—just –going on with your life, and I—am just lost., broken  I just don`t know what to do—I just don`t know. I so need you like oxygen, yet you are gone….what am I going to do?  What am  to do?

I simply don`t have the strength , courage, fortitude or energy to read your writings--which I haven`t. I so wish I could, I can`t for it will kill me. Just so you know it is not for lack of love, but for love. I wish I could just simply escape from this world. 

Old letters

Letters written in the heat of passion, are simple abominable things, they tear at the soul when one holds them in the heart. Yet I cannot help to read the odd one—without searching any out, simply the one that comes into my hand,and hold it to my heart—and it causes me such terrible pain, anguish and suffering. I would advise anyone who has ever loved to read it as it arrives and turn it into ashes immediately—and cast it at the wind. Destroy it as soon as possible—for as time goes by it ingrains itself into the very fabric of the soul and slowly it keeps eating away at it. It erodes, destroys it cell-by-cell, with excruciating pain and torture until it exists no longer—this is what we have done to each other in the name of love. If this is love—I will never want to have any part of it, even if God Himself offers it to me.  The worst is your silence—that will actually kill me in the end I know for sure, I can feel it, and I know it. I have never mentioned this to anyone, but it will happen, for there comes a point when all tips over.

I have a many of these letters –myself from you as you know, which probably you have forgotten—but for me they are ever present and within every moment of my life. I have tried to change myself, I have tried to move on, I tried to see other people, I have prayed, I have begged God –but to no avail to remove you from my heart, soul and mind. I suppose—I am not one of the favourites of My Lady, though all that I do is dedicated to Her. I am so lost, overwhelmed and pained that it is impossible to convey its complexity and depth.  I am just totally and utterly forsaken –in every aspect of my life. I just don`t understand it all—I cannot accept as I have done nothing but love you and God—and here I am in the very depth of desolation, loneliness and darkness. Nothing helps—nothing. No way out at all, never will –this is the way it shall all end.  I guess for all of us, not just me—life is rather finite and short—I can`t wait for it to end, truly. I just can`t wait. No—it is not feeling sorry for myself at all, it is just the recognition of all the futility of life, of existence and the hopelessness of everything within our experience.

But we asked for it, and we got it—and now the eternal suffering, the torture, the endless nights of regret , of longing of how things were or should be—yet we created it ourselves. I still have no idea why? No matter how I have tried to replace you I can`t—why is that ? Punishment from God  for loving you too much—serves me right—but we have free will that is still left.  Much is possible . I have thought about many possibilities, and have tried some as well—but simply no way out at all no matter how I tried, approached it.  I am bound—in very way and form, by invisible chains. There are only limited versions of escape, and none are very pretty—but escape non the less.

I am truly sorry –I don`t blame you entirely , but my self just as much. We just should not have fell in love—should not have allowed our passions to rise to such height and lose our souls to each other entirely--. The word ”lost” is a bad description—it is more of an a amalgamation, which now so fused, that separation now is impossible. I know you may think this differently—for you always have some intellectual  philosophical explanation of being—but this one you cannot explain away—ever.  Never will—and at the end of your life and mine—we shall be like Beethoven—and lament over what and how it should have been. How we messed up our God given gifts –that we ourselves destroyed though our own ego.

I am beyond all, I am beyond redemption and I am beyond reason—all I know that all is completely finished for me in every way and form. As for you—Write, for that is your need, your escape, salvation—but expect no miracle, for miracles do not exist for us here on earth—probably elsewhere neither. Thus is the wisdom of our God. 

All   I ask  of you is to remember me the odd time—for we do have so many happy memories—all is in our mind—nothing else exists. We were there, we always shall be there under that Jacaranda tree—the one we love so much and the one that always keeps us safe in its embrace. I love you so very much--as I always have, do and will always and forever. Don`t ever feel sorry for me ever, please.

Alchemy of love

 

Rumi ~ The Alchemy of Love

You come to us from another world;
From beyond the stars and a void of space
Transcendent, pure – of unimaginable beauty.
Bringing with You the essence of Love.
You transform all who are touched by You -
Mundane concerns, troubles and sorrows dissolve in Your presence
Bringing joy to ruler & ruled, to peasants and kings.
You bewilder us with Your grace;
All evil is transformed into goodness.
You are the Master Alchemist!
You light the fire of Love in earth & sky,
In heart & soul of every being.
Through Your loving, existence & non-existence merge -
All opposites unite -
All that is profane becomes sacred again.
~Rumi

Betrayal?

Betrayal—most horrible affliction. One day this ,the other day that. Guilt ridden at most times, however one has the need for that physical connection. Though I have to admit, it would not have happened as  was perfectly entrenched in the safety of our relationship—which many would have, actually had thought strange, even to call it bizarre. But we are rather strange creatures aren`t we?-you and I—some weird thought form from an other galaxy, I am sure—battling  to the death with heart and mind, our own hearts and minds in fact--now that is absurdity in all its glory. We no not know what we want—for once we have it we no longer desire it, once we lost it we have this eternal longing for it. Like an ever aching wound which never heals—heals a bit at times, then bleeds once more-like the stigmata.

What pain we inflict on each other. Why is that? Why am I betraying our love that once was more precious than my own life—that was for you thus also. We have lost part of our very self—to what? I have no idea, I know you think you do; but you don`t at all. either. Just as in the dark as I am spiritually, emotionally as well as physically—seeking, searching for something that dosn`t exist—or as Rumi said, as well as yourself—that what we already have. What a mess we entangled ourselves into. Now—the guilt that haunts me. Appearing and disappearing like phantoms in the night. The desire, the want, the need to be loved—is that wrong?  To be wanted? To be desired? To hear  and feel an other`s heart beat ?

I feel such guilt, yet such desire all at once—I am torn between two extremes at this point—which are totally juxtaposed, two equally shining souls, which and at totally opposite end of the spectrum, yet the same—I suppose I am experiencing Rumis` in the flesh—when he said –I am paraphrasing-that one has to experience both extremes when being totally within the arms of love. The yin/yang, the opposites—and I am within that position of almost being torn into two. The feelings, the emotions, the physicality are so foreign, it is almost like re programming ones` body, mind and soul to the experiences of the actual present . Strange, unfamiliar. Of being both teacher and student at the same time—but one has to experience both for completion.

Is it betrayal—or are they the actual lessons?  Is it guilt—or is it simply a new experience? Is it wrong? Am I guilty  or  just the next phase of my life? Am I the deceiver or the deceived?  I am so sorry.

You are the drop,and the ocean
you are kindness,you are anger,
you are sweetness,you are poison.
-Rumi

Falling into place

All the apple trees came out in blossom Good Friday. It rained and got colder, but today is very bright with a pure sky. The willow is full of green. Things are all in bud.

"And in my heart, the deepest peace, Christ's clarity, lucid and quiet and ever-present as eternity. On these big feasts you come out on top of a plateau in the spiritual life to get a new view of everything. Especially Easter. Easter is like what it will be entering eternity when you suddenly, peacefully, clearly recognize all your mistakes as well as all that you did well: everything falls into place.”
-Thomas Merton

Easter Sunday/2014

 Our Lord is risen!



Easter is the greatest Christian celebration, yet often in takes second place to Christmas. I would venture to guess for a few reason—probably, sadly the most important one being the material aspect of this celebration—that should strictly be about Our Lord`s birth. But—He in a way has been lost in the bustle of the material age.  True too--that there is a tremendous difference regarding the historical Jesus--and Jesus the Christ, Our Lord and Saviour-the spiritual, eternal mystery--the Second Person of the Godhead; the Son. But I shall not get into this aspect, this is for an other time. However—what really matters, and what the true message we should be taking from His birth, is really His death and above all else—His resurrection. The promise of eternal life for us—He is the truth, the way, and the life.

For me it always has been special—for some reason the importance  of Easter held the secret of existence for me—even as a child. I often used to say--“ I love Jesus, He is the centre of my life", this was not not because I was forced to go to church, or out of fear for existing forever in hell for all of eternity, but because I wanted to.  I truly  loved Him, as I do now.  

Thus—today for some reason it even had more of a profound spiritual affect on me—I was filled perhaps with the light of God, His grace and I felt humbled to have been in His presence in this most beautiful little Church of St Paschal. The sacredness was overwhelming and intoxicating to a level of almost ecstasy for me--though I am no saint. The Holy Spirit was truly present today.We haven`t been in this church in years—and yes there is a beautiful carved wooden statue of St. Anthony with baby Jesus in his arms; which at this point in my life has a new significance.This to me in a way was like a declaration , a message, a strengthening of my faith--a sort of sign that yes, God exist especially if we watch and listen for the signs. This statue was a sign--as was the shooting star last Easter Sunday-2013. Yes-as from Handle`s  "Messiah"; Emmanuel-God with us....(is always) we are just too blind, egocentric to see. Fail to realize God`s love for us, God`s mercy, God`s goodness--especially that God is within us and we are within God. 

Since he—St. Anthony formally entered my life—my life  keeps changing by the day in the most amazing ways. The term that most aptly would describe it is; "mystical"—I shall soon write  a whole list  of things that appeared, materialized and came forth from the ethers as if by command, as if by supernatural forces--which well is exactly the way of describing it! —which is astounding as to how everything is happening. And NO—I never ask for anything of him—neither do I of Our Lady. But this time –please if it is at all possible make things right within our family—if it is Your will.  But no matter what –I shall accept it in gratefulness- for I place all my trust in You. Nothing is ever lost, it just may come back to us in a different form.

I am simply in awe—I am grateful to be allowed this life that I have, this life that I live, this life that is so precious , this gift that I was bestowed , which I have to use well and in service to "love" , agape. That is the mission. Each day my first words as always, as always shall be in glorifying Her in gratefulness.  

This Easter has been truly--”Divine”—not as an adjective, but a verb—manifestation of the Immortal One, the Mighty One. Blessed be-Deo Gratias!