Oxygen

These days I don`t drink at all—very little for one glass takes me over the edge and it is the key to unlock my heart, and I fall into the inferno of hell—and that is in buckets ; very dangerous for me. Then all possibilities arise, thus I try and keep clear. But—at times I have the need to remember—and then tears fall like rain from the sky—God I so wish I had never heard your name yet , I bless the day I heard it.  We are cursed and blessed , I am at least—you seem to be fine. I—not so, I am simply surviving all this with great difficulty and pain—and there is no end in sight—at all; at all. I have no idea why I did in my past life to deserve this—for in this life I have always tried to do the very best regarding all—yet it is not enough. Many days I curse the day put up Assisi, some days I  am in total gratefulness —I am so confused, and lost. It is a weakness to need another soul .  I so want to tear every memory from my mind and it is impossible--.It is all those letters—I curse and bless them that have put me in this position--.  I have not the emotional integrity, energy or the courage to burn them.

This is not spiritual advancement, but spiritual torture—and it is coming to a time when I shall be no longer to carry on with it. I know that probably not even reading this, that is fine—your spirit will know. I am just at the end of my rope and all. I am so depressed, lost, sad and invisible. My nights are filled with phantoms and all sorts of imaginings  —You see the thing is had you been more controlled with your words I would not feel such pain—but you said so much that I cannot forget . Whether you meant it or not—that is for you to know, but they were written, thus I binds me and I have no way of escape--.I cant break the binds, though they maybe simply thin as silk spider`s webs. Next time—learn: never say so much, especially if it is not what you feel. Though only know what you felt at that particular moment, maybe you did—I am no judge, but I feel so very awful, and terrible it is beyond all comprehension—my heart is in millions of pieces, broken and lost never to be found.

Yes—all my fault for having such a sensitive heart, soul as to allow you in—God I wish I were dead , truly. So many days—I love our Lady each morning my first words are to Her—but at times I feel She has abandoned me—though I am sure She hasn`t , just testing my love for Her. I adore and love Her, all is offered in trust to Her—and see what is happening. I lost You, I have lost all I have ever loved –all that I am.

And you—just –going on with your life, and I—am just lost., broken  I just don`t know what to do—I just don`t know. I so need you like oxygen, yet you are gone….what am I going to do?  What am  to do?

I simply don`t have the strength , courage, fortitude or energy to read your writings--which I haven`t. I so wish I could, I can`t for it will kill me. Just so you know it is not for lack of love, but for love. I wish I could just simply escape from this world.