Betrayal?

Betrayal—most horrible affliction. One day this ,the other day that. Guilt ridden at most times, however one has the need for that physical connection. Though I have to admit, it would not have happened as  was perfectly entrenched in the safety of our relationship—which many would have, actually had thought strange, even to call it bizarre. But we are rather strange creatures aren`t we?-you and I—some weird thought form from an other galaxy, I am sure—battling  to the death with heart and mind, our own hearts and minds in fact--now that is absurdity in all its glory. We no not know what we want—for once we have it we no longer desire it, once we lost it we have this eternal longing for it. Like an ever aching wound which never heals—heals a bit at times, then bleeds once more-like the stigmata.

What pain we inflict on each other. Why is that? Why am I betraying our love that once was more precious than my own life—that was for you thus also. We have lost part of our very self—to what? I have no idea, I know you think you do; but you don`t at all. either. Just as in the dark as I am spiritually, emotionally as well as physically—seeking, searching for something that dosn`t exist—or as Rumi said, as well as yourself—that what we already have. What a mess we entangled ourselves into. Now—the guilt that haunts me. Appearing and disappearing like phantoms in the night. The desire, the want, the need to be loved—is that wrong?  To be wanted? To be desired? To hear  and feel an other`s heart beat ?

I feel such guilt, yet such desire all at once—I am torn between two extremes at this point—which are totally juxtaposed, two equally shining souls, which and at totally opposite end of the spectrum, yet the same—I suppose I am experiencing Rumis` in the flesh—when he said –I am paraphrasing-that one has to experience both extremes when being totally within the arms of love. The yin/yang, the opposites—and I am within that position of almost being torn into two. The feelings, the emotions, the physicality are so foreign, it is almost like re programming ones` body, mind and soul to the experiences of the actual present . Strange, unfamiliar. Of being both teacher and student at the same time—but one has to experience both for completion.

Is it betrayal—or are they the actual lessons?  Is it guilt—or is it simply a new experience? Is it wrong? Am I guilty  or  just the next phase of my life? Am I the deceiver or the deceived?  I am so sorry.

You are the drop,and the ocean
you are kindness,you are anger,
you are sweetness,you are poison.
-Rumi