Solitude #32

Solitude. Something we seek? You seek desperately.  Something we pursue? Something that gives us peace? Gives you peace.

This word for many of us conjures up deep emotion--I know it does for you. It projects serene qualities wherein the spirit can find refuge. I -as you know by now, I am a bit more worldly at times, yet at times just the opposite. At times--actually you often misinterpret what I am trying to say or my motives. Or  what I convey  through my words are  a total different interpretation by you,  that which I wish to  really say.

I think it is the way we are wired --either being male or being female is the problem. But I try so hard to say what I want to get through, neither make anything light which are very important points that needs addressing from your aspect as well as mine. To me silence is fine for a time--but it does not solve all. Then it starts to eat at me--questioning me as to why? Why can`t we resolve it in some way--not totally, but ease it perhaps. For we always feel that there is something missing, something we need to do to be complete--to be whole to be close to perhaps in my instance to God. I think for you that is also a primary purpose, goal or quest.

Solitude is great and gives us space--or a need to reflect on what we--as individual see as a priority in our spiritual development. A tremendous need, that we seek and feel it will untether us from the confines of the world and its complications. No two human beings are the same. You, at times misunderstand me, misread me, misinterpret my motives --as I do you. This is because the written word changed by a colon or a comma has a complete different meaning. This is very hard, when one cannot dissect and explain what one actually wants to say, especially when one is not as proficient in writing or knowledge of the entire Oxford dictionary and its meaning as you are. 

But--through this we often read different things into different explanations, or dialogue. Also--I say, then I think,--you think, think and think some more and say. Also you know the context of each and every word--so for you one word is enough, where I need a whole chapter to explain or even understand. 

Silence is golden--but for me silence often has negative connotation. I know this is how I think, and that is how you think. Neither of us is right nor wrong--but just the viewpoint and the angle are at different point of observation. 

Why I called this entry solitude--because, for you it is an important factor of your being and core--as was it for a few others. This is hard looking in, because at those times when you desire that one feel that you just want to get away from --often I feel it is me personally--but I know it is not so. But, yet--being human it is hard to interpret it differently. I think for women like myself--as there have been I am sure many--who love men like you, it is bloody hard and a torturous process. Why? Because we love you extremely deeply, and we feel that it is us that you want get away from--but it isn`t . It is simply solitude you seek, to commune with yourself, with the environment, nature--all that gives you peace and with God. 

We--or rather I often beat myself up--yet I know in my heart that it is not me, for I give you my all totally, completely so there is nothing else held back--and still it happens. It is getting easier to love such a complex being as yourself, but at times even after so long--it does get to be hard and one gets to question, wonder as to where all is leading. I tell myself --I place it in the hand of Our Lady, this works at times, yet-not always. For doubt creeps in. What if?--and a few other questions, yet I will not ever change the way I feel. Am I a masochist? Who knows. My lot? Maybe. My choice? Probably My karma--? Undoubtedly. My choice? absolutely.

The very painful point to all of this--that you are not talking to me. You are not sharing how you feel. maybe you think I can`t or won`t understand.  Or you question my love. Or--just don`t feel the closeness-- yet I do care so much and love you deeply. These are not just words--. At times I feel you are galaxies away--at other time you are right here beside me. This is driving me crazy. I want so much for you to know I am here for you--even in silence, in solitude in the confines of serenity.

You see no matter how well I know you. I am still not a mind reader. I still just understand words-and when you are silent then there are all these phantoms in my head and heart--that I conjure up, make up stories and scenarios. That is very bad--for the stories we make up in our heads are entirely different as to where things really are . So please, please talk to me.  Silence maybe golden--but not in every case. Solitude--you always have, for it is your choice to explore your soul. You are never bound by my love--ever.