Silence, or rather being silent, is the best action to take, in fact it is no action. Sort of a Buddhist philosophy--though silence things are not said, that have to be, however no words are said that must be said, yet understood by spirit. God always has ways and means to take care of it, or find venue of expression through other means if we sincerely seek it.
This is a very hard lesson for me, for my temperament is hardly silent. You can be silent--this at times drive me crazy when you are in contemplation mode. Or what ever it is. But you are silent and it drives me nuts--I try and compose myself, I try not to show any emotion, even disregard it--but in truth often I am livid. At times I think you want to drive me into accepting this mode. Teach me this lesson. I am driven by passion of heart, you are driven by passion of mind.
Often when I receive word from you, I answer immediately. I try so hard not to, but I have to. Its like this internal force that I can`t stop--it pushes and pushes me, goading me on. It so annoys me that I do it, because I know it annoys you terribly. My spontaneity will drive me into danger often--I know. Especially regarding you, and I know that it may even drive you away--yet I still do it. The more and deeper I love you the more fiercely I do it. Yet I know it makes you absolutely wild, breathe fire--still I keep doing it. Go figure.
The thing about all this is that there is no puzzle, no problem, and really no mystery. All problems are resolved and everything is clear, simply because what matters is always clear,--thus silence should be enough. Everything is emptiness and everything is compassion--all is silence so say the Buddhist. So true. Yet what do I do? The opposite. I know that silence creates spiritual validity--that is why we commune with God in silence. But sadly I have to admit, as all--it is most difficult to adhere to-- to weave silence into ones soul on a permanent basis is very tough, for we are simply human. For me it exists briefly day in and day out-- it comes and goes, that is the greatest pain of it for me.
You are much more rooted in it. You see when you are silent for a long while, often you are in a peaceful place. For me, your silence creates uncertainty, fear and insecurity within me. I think I have said something to offend you, I re-read my cards, my letters to see what I have said and my heart is filled with dread. Then I question the validity of your love. Maybe you have stopped loving me, you are tired of me or I am too demanding. Then I beat myself up and blame myself for your silence--for you never actually tell me why you are so.
Yet I should`t even entertain the thought that you do not love me,--for probably not even Juliet, Alexandra, Elizabeth nor Josephine--added together, have been told as much as I have been told as to how very much I am loved by you. You have expressed your deep love for me in the most beautiful words and expressions that is ever possible in the English language--in scores of ways, no--hundreds. So then why do I feel this uncertainty at times when you love me so? For I know all you say is true. Then comes silence for days and I am shaken to my core. Why? I am so very, very sure of my love for you, for I have never loved anyone as much as I love you--ever. Then why, why do I feels like this when you are silent? Why do I not understand your silence when you are so embedded in my heart? When you are part of my very self?
Would we posses the strength of the saints or the deepest commitment to God, then I can imagine our life to be possible without fear, with complete trust-- for then one would not question one`s feelings be that in silence or in clamour. But for the imperfect it is but a momentary existence now and then to be in that state of bliss. You have given me so many of those moments. When we experience this, that is when we are blessed with grace. As is said--it is always the imperfect that is in need of love, not the perfect. I am imperfect. But love combined with silence often speaks volumes. So--I shall try real hard to be silent, and accept your silence as validity of our love.
And in pencil........ I do love you so, my angel, my all--my other self.
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