Back to music, for this was the initial motivation for this venue of my thinking. The major stimulant of the remembrance phenomena I think for most has to be music. For the longest of while now, I don`t listen to new music for some reason-in a way it makes me sad as I feel that life is going by far too fast and the moment is so short that it has hardly time to register and poof it is gone. Especially the people-I am like that even with photographs these days--I hardly take any, though Anyaj does, but then that makes me think also as our lives are so finite-how long is she still here for, or for that matter any of us. I used to think life was eternal, or at least tremendously long when I was younger, and now I see that more people are dead that I used to know than are alive. They say that , that is when one is old. I suppose I am that--.
Today is my mother`s birthday, she is 88.Wow-just yesterday she was 38. She was beautiful, she still is as I often look at her--and wonder about her life. Wonderful that she has the painting now. No wonder she has this wonderful talent exuding from her-I suppose it was born out of wanting to leave a mark behind for her progeny, which she sure has achieved in a most wonderful way. She will not be forgotten now for a very long time she has made sure of that, perhaps even for ever for I am sure some of her painting will survive many of us. Bravo Anyaj, bravo. Happy Birthday!
She is a most valuable soul for us and the world, not many can say that and above all she is far from being 88--this is what keeps her almost eternal. I do honestly hope that she will out live me-strange to say, but true. I do not want to go through losing anyone I love. Plus, we have to go no matter what-as my grandfather, Nagypapa used to say "there is only one justice in the world that is, that we all have to die". Now how true is that-though we don`t often like to think of this certainty.
So much has happened in so many years, yet nothing really. So few things have remained constant-everything else changed or has totally faded away- people, animals, things, places and events. I think finally it has finally dawned on me the actual meaning of "nothing is permanent but change". That is probably why I am really not as I used to be, making as many memories as I used to as I just don`t see the point any more. Even this writing-or the letters, cards, mementos I ask myself what is it for, as my child or my grand-children I am sure will not be interested at all. My legacy -what legacy? I have none-sure there is still a little time, but for what reason, for what purpose-who will care?
Let me not be depressing or morbid-today is a birthday and let`s look at happy past. My whole thought pattern in writing today was triggered by "music". So I should carry on that road regarding a few memories. Starting with but the ancient ones, so it seems, yet yesterday. I shall not be boring, as they probably are to whomever is reading this as they are simply meaningful to me-so I shall not delve deeply, only superficially that perhaps may shed some light of whom I am or what makes me tick. Maybe cover a dozen or so-oh you think that is far too many? Okay, just a few then. The thing is you know, that memory key-that piece of music is hidden well from view until we hear it, so probably the most important one , one dosn`t even remember at will. But, let me try.
The earliest I would think-were from South Africa when we lived in Majorca Court, that I remember mostly, the older ones are far deeper. The very first one was--Heimweh, this one I heard back in Austria before we came to Johannesburg, there my parents bought the record. I do believe this was the first song I was ever really conscious of in my heart. Then there was--The banana boat song and Kingstontown. Yes, that long ago. I adored them-we had the fancy Phillips radiogram and these old 78-wow. I can hear the songs--, I still adore calypso as well as Harry Belafonte. I think those records were completely worn out. I now do have it on disc, this one dosn`t depress me, as many do.
Then-yes, many Christmas carols we used to sing in school. We started singing them in October, as school was finished for the summer at the end of November. We used to sing in church -at St Francis of Assisi across the street that was lined with the beautiful jacarandas dressed in their purple glory in spring--, often we would sing there every week or so. Mass was still in Latin then--the old missals had Latin in one column and next to it in an other column in English, so we did know what we were saying, or praying.
God, confessions every 1st Friday of the month with Fr.Peron, he was French--who went on and on and on- forever about sins being committed none could understand his accent--he was I thought at least a hundred at the time. He probably was only 50 something, I thought he was ancient. Rev.Mother Columba, was about 80, Sr St Anne was about 50, Sr Annunciation 38 and Sr Paschal was around 45 I would think. They still had the old habits, black with the starched heart shaped white thingy on their heads and around their face. They looked rather sweet. --I always wondered what was under there. Hair? I suppose that is why my favourite film was "The nun`s story" with Audrey Hepburn--I loved that film. Probably that was the reason why I toiled with the idea of becoming a nun--it was probably the romance of it, and not God. Actually Dennis took it real serious, and hard when I mentioned entering--but in fact in reality it didn`t really honestly occur to me to do so.
Everyone dreaded going to Fr. Peron--but we were in line-it was him or Fr Barry. My favourite? I would have to say, Our Father, Come Holy Ghost , Magnificat. As for carols-The First Noel, Away in the Manger and Silent Night, all the usual of course, with memories of a few pageants. Oh, yes -the there was the Messiah-that was in practice for over 3 years, Mr Bell started it and eventually got finished, with Park Town and End Street Convents joining in--us at Yeoville Convent. It is gone now, I have no idea why. Yes--that is when Glynis came into the light. Wonder where she is now, where is he now? Boy have I side tracked .
Yes--all the operas--Remember singing the Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves in school--loved it. Then all the others from records-Anvil Chorus, Grand March from Aida, Ave Maria-Guonod`s, Humming Chorus from Butterfly are but a few. Yes, all of Strauss, Beethoven and Bach. Oh and -Marie, my accordion teacher, she used to play "The galloping Comedian" and "William Tell Overture", I was mesmerised. She was wonderful all those years I spent with her, so may wonderful pieces she made me love. Piano wasn`t that memorable--maybe because it was later. I did so many things-fencing, tennis, drama, singing, music, dancing--For what? Shakespeare festival, charity performances and even the beauty pageant in Durban. There were many contenders on the beach--under the big top. Yep--I was in the top six in my cute red and white bathing suit.--I came in 4th- later in town in some hotel, can`t remember the name .Well 4th was better than nothing. I got in trouble in school from
Sr. Annunciation for taking part, I was 15 pretty cute, sexy and gorgeous--there was no boy I coudn`t catch, though I didn`t want to catch many. And how great was Durban?--I used to go to the beach when the sun rose, sit in the sand and just stare at the waves coming in--It was magic.
Back to music--I keep wandering off. The tapes Apay made--at Rhodes Court, the very first he asked me "who is this"--it was "Que sera sera "by Doris day, I guessed right. He recorded volumes as he loved to do so. His favourite was "From a Jack to a King", --as I did also on that old Telefunken. Later it was "What a wonderful world" by Armstrong and in Canada "Piano man"by Billy Joel--I can`t listen to it at all.
Yes, the first record of the Beatles, we were on Charlton terrace at the time when Den came over the very first time with Julius, when we met at Harrow Park by the fish pond and I forgot my sunglasses on the terrace and he came over--immediately played "I wanna hold your hand"--he forgot the LP at my house afterwards--I never asked Dennis if it was on purpose or not. Probably on purpose. Then there was "Ruby Tuesday" by the Stones--the day he decided to go skating and we went to the Doney, fate intervened or was it God? And "Unchained melody''--actually singing it in the living room on Terrace road. And "What now my love" at the Diamond Horseshoe Club. Yes, and the "Unicorn".
No--I only listen to Leonard these days--we are kind of soul mates, I have no idea why. All his words, his life story and everything run on parallel lines-probably with many, but he still strikes a chord. No it isn`t really good to remember , is it?
Then comes my Canadian songs, born and bred into me in Montreal--"Whenever I saw your face" the Beach Boys, Bee Gees, Queen, ELO, --yes, yes, Paul Anka, "You`re having my baby" and all the rest of it! And oh so many more. Then Toronto-my favourite, " Who will answer", --`ol Blue Eyes, "Cycles, My way" and such.
Then there is you-- my heart. Stranger than strange for obvious reasons all this love for you. I have sent you many, but a few stand out. The one I always remember even without hearing it "Chariots of fire"--it is you for some reason. You are the symbol for that song for me--. The next, a few years back on your birthday--"Live like you were dying"--do you remember? Now, forever Canon will be yours and my father`s in Budapest. More so yours. I have the disc in my car --and I play it constantly, believe it or not. Constantly! Nothing touches me more than that---when I feel angry at you or you don`t write or I don`t hear from you and I say--okay, this is the end. I hear it and my heart melts and I feel all this surge of love for you--truly, it is incomprehensible what this piece does to my soul. It just moves me in a mystical fashion--no other piece does this as a memory of you. I like other pieces, Schubert`s "Standchen"--that reminds me of the night when Scarlett was born--we were going to the hospital and turning at a traffic light.
Sometimes--I sit and think as how you think. Like the other day-Saturday in fact ,we wrote back and forth--suddenly you disappeared and I didn`t hear from you till yesterday. And you asking me--where was I? yet--it has been almost a week that there was silence--even after I wrote the birthday card. I know you think as I, that we communicate telepathically, but we need some physical contact, even if it is the written word.
I was truly touched when you invited us to Chicago--well your sister did. I wonder how you would feel if I did turn up one day, or if we did accept. I bet you were hoping we would accept, and hoping even more that we refused. But I would find it even more strange if I went with my mother in toe, now that would be unbelievable. --No, I wouldn`t do that for it is very strange feeling for me also. Why? Because we are so used to this, it is totally foreign. As if this was real, and the real life a dream--well for us it is exactly like it. We live in an world of illusion-of dreams. How strange is this? many would say we are crazy--we probably are. But then who on earth knows what is reality and what is not. Meeting you actually terrifies me--the thought. Why? Because of all the uncertainty, not living up to the expectations and terrified of being disillusioned. yet--I adore you, love you that is why I fear it. But thank you for asking-was very brave, courageous of you as you didn`t know if I would accept or not. Thank you my heat, my angel my all.
Will we ever meet--somehow I cannot imagine it. I just can`t I am so used to this I cannot get my mind around anything else. Have we lived lives before-it is more real to me than this one. Maybe that is why and 7 years is a long time--a lifetime almost for some marriages. Maybe we are simply dream weavers-dreamers of how it should be. What we imagine a perfect life, a perfect union--but there is no such thing darling--no such thing. We are all extremely flawed creations. We are the real stuff that dreams are made of--we are those dreams--you and I, and are living it. I would venture to guess that very few are as we do.
Having said this--I often wonder where all this is leading, if anywhere at all? probably-there is a plan to everything, as Leonard says, even to--and for us. So we keep on dreaming the perfect dream that we conjured up--though I doubt if I could actually do it did I not love you the way I do--I don`t know about you. At times I wonder how you work--how you tick.
But have to go now--the real life, reality is calling--or is it illusion? I love you my sweet Cicuka!
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