Finding God #35

I am sure you wondered why the entry just had a number--even no title-and even more importantly no entry. Generally I title it at the end always, as mostly I just write as the thoughts escape my mind. At times -mad ones true, but that is I. We are all mad in a way. I wonder how many people write journals, probably many these days--under the name of a blog--just a more contemporary 21st century version.

I think  when it comes to writing that is when we really see, identify  understand the person--for through those revelations we see their hopes, dreams, ambitions, purpose and goals.  Why they are actually living and who they actually are. I love this description of  writing.

~If you write for God you will reach many men and bring them joy. If you write for men--you may make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make a noise in the world, for a little while. If you write for yourself, you can read what you yourself have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted that you will wish that you were dead.

Keeping a journal has taught me that there is not so much new in your life as you sometimes think. When you re-read your journal you find out that your latest discovery is something you already found out five years ago. Still, it is true that one penetrates deeper and deeper into the same ideas and the same experiences~.

So it is--at times one even deletes it, which is a real bad idea for the regrets later never end. Last night I had all kinds of ideas in my head as to what to write--but my computer slowed down to a snails pace, and I was unable, thus all the thoughts went away with the storm and with my frustration.  It is so strange -thoughts. At times I write an entry--and it just vanishes and the ideas and the thoughts vanish with the writing--never to be heard of again. I mean the actual ideas and their sequence. Funny how that is, but I know it has happened or happens to you--that drives one crazy.

I am still in the office, I have two more patients and I have a small break, so I thought and see if anything actually comes to me.  Sort of pry it out of my subconscious. I think perhaps it should be something regarding prayer.

I owe Our Lady at least 4 whole rosaries, for some reason it has been skipped the past days, though I have to admit God is very frequently on my mind-almost constantly, which is really the prayer, the incessant one. When I drive especially, I try and be very conscious of the surroundings, of the moment and of God--it is not easy, as we often leave the present and wander into the past or the future. The reason why I also like Eckhart Tolle is because he focuses so much on that point--that is when I truly woke up into the world.

No--once I die I shall not be canonized. - Maybe you will?

To be continued----

Finally home.--ah the weather is so much more tolerable.  I left at 7.15.this morning--I went to mom after work, long story about her beloved fur child--story to be told later one day-after almost $4,000 from Oliver`s pocket--Cici, is doing  Ok. It is 6.30pm and here I am with a glass of wine finally--. Deo Gratias. Now back to prayers.

“The only thing to seek in contemplative prayer is God; and we seek Him successfully when we realize that we cannot find Him unless He shows Himself to us, and yet at the same time that He would not have inspired us to seek Him unless we had already found Him.” 

This is how I feel-- for me He is ever present everywhere. I wake up with the thought-maybe also because I have many images in my bedroom of Our Lady and it is am immediate reminder as I open my eyes, but I know that is not the only reason. When I see nature in anyway or form, beauty of any kind or even my plants. How unimaginably complex, have mysterious all is and how they grow and function. Just amazing . --I think of God and how awesome He is and I am so very blessed to be witnessing all of this. I seem to be in this "space" of gratefulness most of the time. So--regarding definition--I am practising contemplative prayer more often than not. 

I am ever conscious of God-at times I feel almost obsessed with the thoughts of God, of all that I feel and know to be Him. "All"  that is--and I know I am in it--and to me He is always showing Himself. I do believe I have found Him--true I have the odd doubt when things spiral down or I am at the end of my tether. But that is being human and even the saints faced that.

My mother made some remark this evening-"you are religious", she said regarding something. I really do not believe I am religious at all--when put that way, to it means I am an orthodox Catholic, --which I a not at all--probably a renegade one. I am maybe what I would term a "collector of thoughts, ideas, philosophies and theologies  from other  spiritual teachings that I feel vibrate or reflect the truth for and with my spirit". I am Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Jew and everything else including a number of pagan beliefs-as well other weird unorthodox ones--as long as it makes sense to me, makes me  or allows me to step forward, bring me further into the heart of God--it is a-okay with me.

There is only one God, no matter what the name or gender. We, as humans image him in somewhat of a human exposition--but because we fail to get beyond our humanity. An ant can only simply think as an ant. I believe that we are made in the image of God--that being our " nature "not a physical image and we are like  Him in likeness through/by  "grace".

But I do very much doubt that I have to explain myself to you, and I am not--simply musing--for you are the same. Wherever, in whatever and however one finds God--has actually found him. yes--we already have found Him--in Magyar when one refers to God--we refer to God as- ö -  as the pronoun, which  has no gender and can be either masculine and feminine. Though "Atya Isten" is "Father God", in the ancient Magyar religion it is "Anya Isten" which is "Mother God but we always only say "Isten" whom is genderless.---"ö az Isten"= he/she is God.