Wondering

 

The truth of the matter is--no matter how I look at it we do not know anything. At times I feel I do, however in reality there are no clear true signs. Why not? Probably the messages are the whisperings of my sub-conscious, wishing and hoping for things to be different. For things to change, for life to be special and different.

Reading a few articles regarding December 21 2012--I have come to the conclusion that it means nothing--and all the people are totally blind. This is an awful thing to say--but perhaps the atheists are right.There is nothing and whatever we think is divine intervention is simply a coincidence. Maybe it is just all random chaos, all just simply coming together in creative accidents--Nobody has even a grain of insight, never mind truth of the future--heck, we don`t even know the past.

No wonder that you have faded into the background--you who are always expecting some divine spiritual miracle--yet nothing happens, except the same old, same old. It is enough to drive one crazy--I don`t even wonder or amaze at the fact that you are a gnostic. Maybe that makes some sense--but that neither. That is just wishful thinking of human mind making some justification for our miserable little lives.

Nobody has ever come back from death. Have they? All the manifestations , visions and appearances are by simple individuals--even Medjugorje. I know that God does not have to explain anything--however it would be nice to have some validation of life of the soul--of spirit if such thing exists. 

If there is no concrete proof--which there isn`t, then why are we ever searching ? Why do we think we are the special one to get the answers? To be enlightened? To know the mystery?

Tolle was on the verge of killing himself when he arrived at the philosophy that he now proclaims--but then how does he know? Why dosn`t the spiritual elite know and explain in understandable language--yet no human knows anything at all--including me. 

The strange thing about all this is that each day I feel different about all this--I can imagine how you feel. Probably hibernating till December--and then what? Maybe check out? That thought kinda captured my fancy--I have played with the idea at times. Probably we are on the same wavelength--you and I , aren`t we?

But where are you? You are totally off the radar, before at least I knew where you were--now all is in a haze. A bloody big mess. Your sister`s house is up for sale, your mother lives in  B and B, and you have totally faded out into the sunset--with a strange last post.  You are nowhere to be found--just that weird , silly woman Windsong on your site. That is  a real coo-coo if ever there was one. How could you even be associated with her? Lowered your standards a bit? I imagined you be of higher caliber than that--like it or not, this is my insight. 

All strange indeed. I thought I feel you--yet these days not so much--yet I yearn for you, seek you constantly and you are ever on my mind. Did I dream you into existence?--at times I have to glance at the piles of letters on top on the shelf, or the few writings of your that are hanging on my wall to make sure that it all really happened--had it be not for that I know I would be completely unsure of anything, and that it was all my imagination.

Oh--what tangles webs we weave when we intend to deceive. was I sweetheart? Deceived? I didn`t deceive you--it was all from my heart, still is. How sad to see this sorry end--what promise we held, what a beautiful future, what happiness and above all what deep love we found--yet we let it slip through our fingers, and it did--just like sand without a thought. 

I don`t dream. Do you? Of me? Of us?--Do you think of me --often?  Ever?  How could all have changed so much for no reason. Well no major reason, for the major reason was that we loved each other so what could have come between that? I wonder so many things.I am constantly conjuring up events, of how and why. 

I pray for you--I hope nothing happened. I think if it did I would know, and you would have told me in some way, some sign. But then again back to the beginning of the cycle--if there is anything beyond this human existence. That what was always pulling you into the darkness--the uncertainty, the unknown. Like when you thought that it would all feel different after First Communion, and it didn`t. That is when the first disillusionment arose, the first disappointment in God.

I too I feel like that at time--and at times I feel She is so real and that She actually is talking to me. Whatever I write is coming from unconscious part of me, for I know I can`t write it with my conscious brain. At times--I read the stuff and ask--Who wrote this? Does She?

So I am in a quandary always and ever regarding God.  How can I demand an explanation? How can I demand an answer? How can I force God to reveal  Himself? --No one can--why would He to me. Why would He deem me special. Even the saints only had visions in their minds--maybe they were demented. Thus--in truth--probably there is nothing, not even hope. 

As for death--well, where are all our loved ones--all the names come into my head. They lived, breathed thought, loved and died. Had memories--loved me, yet where are they now? L, A NagyP, NagyM, M, F, Aunty May, --so , so many.  I wonder and wonder and wonder! Oh yes, in a better place--where is that? It is a strange feeling that I have when I think of this--``Why does the sun keep on shining, why does the sea rush to shore``as I thought the day following A death. --and yet the world goes on, hasn`t come to an end.Why not?

And the same thing will happen as I leave--after me all will still go on, and I --where will I be? Where will you be Cicukam--where are you now? You are right--why all this? Why struggle? Why all the pain--that space where you were --that peace, that tranquil place where you perceived God, that day in the hospital--was probably the firing of some strange wild neuron as it was dying. Maybe the best way is to exit as soon as possible--and the lucky ones are those who die young and quickly--Well the best is really probably not being born at all.

Well, this was the missive of today.--moral--Forget all and just do nothing just wait for the exit.