Purpose

 

These days for some reason I seem to find difficult--somehow there is a strong disconnect between myself and the world. I seldom think of the past these days and await. What? Something, some event some happening--I will be very disappointed if nothing happens , which just may.

The messages are very strong--and are flowing freely, as to its accuracy--well, we shall see. At times I am confused and mixed up--I wonder where you are? What has happened? Will we ever speak ? She say --, `yes`. maybe my faith is not strong enough. 

Time is maddening--it seems that it almost dosn`t exist--. The messages seem to take up some time daily--I have no idea how and where it comes from when I think of it rationally--but then God is a mystery--and All IS.

I am still on a roller coaster, waiting for the other shoe to drop--it would be so nice if it would. It dosn`t frighten me at all in fact there is a very strong sense of excitement within me. I haven`t invoked Xerxes lately, maybe that is what is missing--he is always so soothing and always utter truthful, as I have experienced. I still to this day haven`t seen my star--since Easter. How wonderful is that--well, wonderful that it was the truth. 

I am becoming more and more disconnected from the physical in many ways--I know that is right, and that is what She has been instructing--I wonder if you feel the same. God, I hope nothing has happened to you--I think I would actually know as we are so intertwined, I would perceive, I would feel. 

I have tried to some extent live my life according to the instructions--but at times I fall off the wagon, and I forget. I should read one  daily to make them a habit--there is much there to digest. To follow and live by till the end.

Mmm--the end. I wonder in what context that is--what is the end? And are my messages correct or is it just simply my mind playing tricks on me. Well--She often demonstrates and tells me no--that it is her talking.

As for my work--well what work? It seems I am totally disconnected, non interested and out on left field--I have to do something--I am sort of bleeding away in a way. Is that good? She seems to tell me that it is--and my inner life seems to be taking precedence over all, though at times--that too is on the back burner for a day or two. I can`t seem to focus.

I revisit the past now and then--but that makes mes sad as I see that I have accomplished nothing--nothing of value, nothing of importance and I have not made an iota of difference. And I cannot get going at all--I have no inclination at all. I am not interested, just simply in a waiting mode. But for what? For ascension--Is there such a thing, or just wishful thinking of a few disenchanted human beings whose lives are miserable and un interesting, and above all un accomplished. 

Green electric green, yellow vibrating light is the message--that is the connection. I have it at times, at times not. How I wish I could talk with you--be with you like it was. I miss those time terribly--more so you. I have no idea how we went so bloody wrong--why it all happened. and what are up against--where are we going? If anywhere.

At times I just wish I could just check out, it all seems so futile, no reason or rhyme--no plan , no future, no nothing. Even the weather is not the way it should be--we had a super moon the other day--Yes Xerxes it was your night--I should have been more attentive to you, I wasn`t . I have been worried somewhat about the surgery--and now it happened today and it seems to be fine--A eyes went well.Hope there will be no complications--.

I seem to be totally stressed out--lately. Why? Just simply being so very worthless, unfocused and aimless. I can`t seem to find peace within me, that Source point, that Divine spark that connection--yet I write about it. How do I find that calm, that stillness --God? I am such a hypocrite--aren`t I?

Where to from here? Which road do I travel on? What direction do  I take? I am so alone --on this journey.

Is there a way? Is there a higher purpose--She says `yes`--at time sI have deep faith and at times deep doubt. I am so restless, so unwound, so jittery--maybe it is because I have stopped the pills, I have to get back on them--but those make me tired and bloody sleepy.I need a good dose of you, of the old days of the beautiful mornings when I searched for cards and words to you, of your cards--your loving words, your heart and soul bare before me. How I miss all that, how i miss you. How will I survive all this, tell me? How can I ? Will I?--will we?--Ever? Times like these are so hard and it breaks my heart. IT tears me up--and all I have is pain--unbearable pain.