Seagulls

 

Oh my today, what a day. As the song goes; `mama would say there will be days like thes`--One only knows the agony of worry about a loved one when things in some areas don`t go right, often it is regarding health. Now, I am in the healing business yet I get very emotionally concerned and attached to my patient rather deeply. Some have been with me for over 30 years, they are like family. Some have died, mostly some older patients, one was 102, she came to me in 1984, a beautiful lady named Dolly, Finnish, she was still driving at 94. Her mind was alert and read every word in the daily newspaper everyday and was up to date on everything. Sharp as a button to the very last day and happy. That is how I would like to be, that is how I would like to go not as some decrepit vegetable. Though I don`t know what God has in store for me, I hope something fast and swift.

Thus today was really traumatic experience as one of my sweet elderly patients, 88 was supposed to call me yesterday, and didn`t. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I even said a few  Hail Mary`s and tried to track her down. The problem is she has moved up north a year ago, and I just see her every few months, though we talk weekly. Thus, today was literally day from hell, but finally I tracked her down  through her nephew. Yes, she had to go to the hospital with some arterial fibrillation, but now seems to be better. I was so beside myself, I just needed a bloody stiff drink. That took the edge off--I haven`t had a drink in ages, but this was an exception, it was an absolute necessity, and irresistible need. Now, that I have spoken with her I feel better. God thinking of death is so depressing, yet all keeps telling me that we do go to a better place, we do survive death, and life beyond is beyond description, nirvana--ecstatic. Well you have described it beautifully when you went through you NDE--I know, I believe truly...but at times there is this question mark, a huge one. Why? If my faith is that strong then why do I feel this? Why don`t I feel joyful about it--dress in white as the Chinese and celebrate death. We always mourn in black. Then again-- why mourn if we are sure we are gong to a better place?

I am just one confused person. At times nothing makes sense, neither does thinking about it as there are no answers to be had. Just the present, just the now, just the screeching seagulls with their message.

Times like this I realise how short how brief how fleeting life maybe, can be and we should spend as much time as possible at thing one enjoys and  time doing it. But more so spend time with people we love. Yet, often we don`t seem to be conscious of that fact, and maybe times like today come to us as a reminder as to value all that we have, especially people. I haven`t seen my sister in over a year, neither has my mother seen her. I often wonder what she thinks-- well my mom and sister as well. I am sure there be many regrets eventually on both sides, even probably by me also, and there will be no going back. No turning back time, ever. Then we live with guilt, regret--would haves, should haves, could haves and the like. Man is strange-- ego is a bitch from hell, and we all give her abode within our hearts.

Today I saw a whole flock of seagulls, it is strange because there are some around, but we are rather far from the lake. I adore the sound they make and often go down to the beach  in Whitby and love to say the rosary there and observe them. They are such magnificent creature, graceful and exquisitely beautiful as they fly and dive into the water. They seem to be such magical creatures and bring such grace to my heart as I could watch them forever. I am always in awe as I observe them at how God can create such wonder.

I know seagulls are spiritual messengers that demonstrate that a higher communication with guides is taking place. They shows how to see above situations with a higher clarity and teaches that there are many perspectives to consider. Well, that is the understatement of the century--not much to be seen when ones mind is filled with worry and stress. Well, I tried to be realistic and look at them this afternoon in a more philosophical way, as their mission is to teach us how to ride the currents of the mental, emotional and physical worlds. This wasn`t an easy excise today. Once I knew she was fine, well then yes, but before I hardly think that two dozen  flocks of seagulls could have made a difference within  my heart. Their question is to us; Are you going with the flow or fighting it?--Well today I think I was more fighting it--to be honest. I make an awful student don`t I? Was I open to my guide--well I was -- I certainly had Xerxes on my mind a lot, and asked him. He said, don`t worry--the outcome will be good. I had a hard time swallowing that fact.  Now how was I to interpret it all , I ask you? Could have gone either way.

As for my sweet seagulls, looking, seeing, living and being is really their message-- death comes when it wants to, we have no control. So in a sense--just  being, is really where all  is at. As for the rest, well life flows onwards like a river into the ocean or a lake, into something bigger then itself. So-- probably we do go onto greater things--and I am supposed to learn that death is needed for a new birth--well so Xerxes tells me.. It is time to listen and watch for the nuances and timing of action.