Of death

  
One most definitely wakes  up to truth when is face to face with death. My aunt Olga whom I love dearly all my life is facing this transition-I cannot imagine her gone-I thought she would live forever, be in my life forever-but sadly it is not so. She is in the verge of passing over. She prepared, for this event wide eyed and with total reason. She talked about it.  I hated it every time she brought up the subject-but she was in realistic mode. I am  still in the mode of “I will live forever” illusion all- still though I am not in my teens.  However that is reality which I never wanted to face–this truth of finality now is staring  me down with eyes of  ice-truth beyond measure-and I question life as to its purpose and reason. Is there one- a purpose? None that I see. Times like this I am bewildered and lost. Nothing makes sense at all, everything is purposeless and not important in the scheme of things. Fame and  fortune seem so empty and bear, yet we chase it continually. Why? All seems so worthless.

I am lost in my belief, in my God or rather my faith of eternity,  all filled with  doubts which my rational mind continually is  whispering –which questions ”who knows”–non makes sense.  Maybe all does.  But, every living thing has to face this-there is no escape. Truth be told-non of us will get out of this life alive-nothing that is alive-nothing!

Now, the question is, do we go on in an afterlife? Only a special few have come back with the tale-so, this story is rather questionable, not that I don`t believe it, but at time it is rather hard to come to grips with it as all else seems to point in a different direction. Where is my father? My grand father. My grand mother? My uncle? My husband? My first love and so many friends-non of them have come  back with a story-, all whom I spent so much time with. We talked about life, love  death and all else. Where are they? So where does blind faith leave  me. Is there an after life? Where do they exist now? Do they? Is there  something beyond? Is there eternity? No one- no medium no saint or any other has the truth-even Christ has not demonstrated all concretely. We wonder, we question above all else we hope that we are not here as a me whisper or a fractal of a soap bubble.  Are we here now and forever gone without a trace-but maybe we are just that-an illusion. Nothing in the end- all just  purposeless . I am going mad in my mind.

But in the end when I look at how magically, how perfectly our body functions, how our brain functions,  how our mind  functions, how our emotions function, I have to come to the conclusion that whom ever created  us-has a greater purpose than doing all this work for a mere  80-or a 100 year of lifespan-whomever created this has a   much more of a deeper, higher  vision and purpose of their creation.  Everything has a purpose, so why woundn`t we? Why not there be a higher purpose for  man? Why not for the universe? Why not for the cosmos? I wish we knew the truth-or reality if there is one. I really doubt it.

The truth is that I am scared , lost and totally in the depths of despair when I have to face death- not my own-but death of my loved ones-which is totally destroying.  As for  my own that I will not know-that gives me peace. So this is now-my aunt,   far worse-as I am totally aware of this –no-finality now for me, whereas my own death will be final. No looking back-no analyzing, no re-thinking , no re-writing the tale. It will be absolutely final. 

Maybe it comes at times so we have to think about it - God teaches us mysteriously. Perhaps in time this gives us peace-especially a loved one  like my aunt Olga who was always full of life- and talked of death as part of life, is now passing. Farewell thee well my darling one-may you  have a wonderful journey-I hope and pray we shall meet again. Wait for me darling.  -I love you so very much my wondrous, beautiful, sweet, special aunt!   

I  love you so -my heart aches for you my dearest. I hope our parting is only a brief one darling! 
Blessings and love- Zsuzsika