Dark days

Yeah-I am back -not in the greatest of psychological of mood. Not one of my most uplifting post deserving the "Pulitzer Prize". But I think human life, behavior goes through in cycles-as does all things in life. Often we have no explanation on a conscious level why we feel the way we do. It isn`t that our life is bad or things are going wrong, or we are not being loved. I am loved , yet these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks at the most unexpected times. 

Some will call it as “just being human”-going though the valleys and peaks of life-or rather the dark and the light, and those days nothing makes us feel better. Some turn to alcohol, drugs or simply end their misery of the moment by stepping out of life.

I really cannot complain about my life. I am ok in every way, and I am loved deeply-which makes a tremendous difference for the spirit-but some things cannot be explained. It is like a dark cloud that creeps over one`s heart-and only time changes it-if at best. We feel just horrible in body, mind and spirit. Nothing seems to make us feel better-and we are in the throes of deep darkness.

Some people like to talk about it-I don`t. I prefer to keep everything to myself, in fact talking about it makes me feel worse. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands-but I feel I am busy and live a full and rich life, yet I get into these “funks”-which often is triggered by other people. I worry much about others, more than I do about myself-and then I go downhill and I am of no help to anyone; especially myself. No one knows this, as I project a very strong character, but meanwhile I feel miserable. Then I also revisit all kinds of issues that caused me pain, or at time pleasure, but both cause the exact same reaction in me-a most devastating experience.

The problem with these times is that one feels lost, hopeless and in the depth of darkness-without demonstrable reason. I have no reason to feel like this. Then come all the thought from the past-like demons haunting  the heart. Questions, questions with no possible answers. This is often called the “dark night of the soul” and it is I am sure strictly a human response. Psychiatrist will say –it is all simply a chemical imbalance, but I tend to think it has a totally different reason.

I think that at times when the spirit is low, one tends to peer behind the veil-and go  deeper and seek answers from one`s psyche. Through this exercise we realizes that, this life is just like a “dream”-temporary, and that we are completely disconnected from our true nature, our true origin. This idea bleeds through and makes us remember, and causes deeps sadness of wanting to return to where we originated from, where we were in total bliss-and feel the deep desire to return home. Where we felt safe and happy beyond measure.

Some drugs-especially the psychedelics-gives us some glimpse into what “was”-it is not just the function of an overactive imagination, brain chemistry due to the misfiring of the neurons of the brain. There is an actual window through which we are able to look through, and remember briefly of out heritage and true home.

As for  what these episodes tell us-they simply demonstrate at this is not our true home, it is fleeting, it is temporary-yet, we fight so hard for it-in fact , how ironic:"to death". Anyone of a certain age can look back-and realize that childhood was a breath away, so was our youth and the years go by so quickly that one cannot keep up with its passage-and we fight so hard for it. Yet-all is very temporary-then comes the question: is all this fight worth it? Is all the struggle for a specific reason? We know nothing-perhaps it is the universal truth that:” dust thou art and dust shalt thou be”. But then why the struggle?  Why cling to life when one knows the outcome.