Lesson from Rachel

We, humans are strange creatures indeed. Very often we tempt God in certain ways , or because we feel sorry for ourselves . At times we feel tired, angry at life, and wanting and escape-playing around with various ideas, scenarios in our minds, for often reasons is the loud voice of ego.

Stress can bring out the worse in us-it is detrimental for body, mind and spirit –and toying with certain ideas often makes one feel either good or a martyr, or more so a victim of the situation. Both of which, is a slap in the face of God in a way-for our expressing the “poor little me” complex. Almost tempting God in some form – subconsciously to evoke a response, or perhaps evoke are response from people around us. Oh, sure we mean it at the time, so we think-however when faced with a real situation –one certainly starts praying real hard for God to change His mind.

Where is this all leading? What am I trying to express here? Or what is the actual story I am trying to tell ?

This is a  story about a friend of mine, she is very close to me, closer than my own sister, almost like a mirror reflection of myself-perhaps a soul sister would be a right term. Her name is Rachel-she is my age and have known her most of my life.  I care and love her very deeply-and she always has had opened up heart and soul to me. What she experienced can happen to any of us, so at times lessons come in these forms.

About two years ago her whole life changed, started going down in a downward spiral-and she, due to  a number of circumstances was in a way forced to embarked on a totally new life. Everything that was the norm, suddenly changed for her. She had lost the love of her life one year before-that was supposed too be forever-but then nothing is forever , is it? This certainly compromised her emotions, both physically and spiritually. Everything that was steering her life seemed to have imploded in her eyes suddenly. Philosophical and spiritual need seemed to have waned-and  even God was shelved in a small way. No more daily prayers, no more mantras had become routine.

Then out of the blue she had to move to an other town due to a number of personal circumstances and her career, that was always a major part of her life started going downhill, and it felt like a burden; so it seemed to her in her mind. Maybe it was her attitude-for we all create our own reality, and legend. Suddenly she was not alone-her elderly father, whom she loves very much moved in with her; who is emotionally and psychologically is very demanding on her-or so she perceives this perhaps,  as she feels responsible for much of the negative things that had happened in his life. She carries an emotional baggage of blame for many thing-though all unrealistically.

The months passed-she became less interested in life-all that was previously important to her faded. Though she worked still at her job, interest in herself had become less and less. Stress was very evident in her behavior; her appearance, demeanor changed dramatically- , she had put on a lot of weight, she was not interested in her appearance, was tired all the time and had started drinking heavily. Her love of life was gone-and slowly the desire to escape started growing-longing for some other time, some other place of peace.

Then her dad became ill and it was in and out of hospital for a number of weeks-though nothing of major was diagnosed – but the stress was increasing more by the day as the daily litany of listening to his health complaints increased the want of escaping. She loves him dearly, and this did not help things at all. She felt helpless, inadequate, worthless, hopeless, lost and tired  of her life, and above all  she became terribly depressed. Her doctor prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety medication, high blood pressure pills, as that had also gone up-and ofcourse the drinking  kept going without anybody knowing. She cried a lot when nobody saw, and could not sleep for days. Her work was suffering, and financial worries grew, which she never had before.

Obsessions of death seemed to start haunting her-a statement she had heard years ago seemed to become a stronger voice in her head daily;” death is like sleeping only never waking up”-this was solace to her.  The pull to leave became stronger and stronger-she made up scenarios in her head as how to kill herself. The pills seemed the easiest way out and the least painful-but she thought of her grown son, her father whom she loved very much-and her beloved dog. What would they do if they found her? What would it do to them? Everything eventually passes she thought, they would forget in time, she told herself. So she  kept flirting with the idea of death-such a sweet thought of escape-God hardly entered the picture.

Then she had a premonition –or a visitation from a friend who had died recently, during one afternoon as she was wallowing  in her misery, crying in bed; her friend had a message for her: “You were my angel, thank you for everything-your prayers helped. You have come to a turning point in your life”-she said and was gone. Rachel felt a little better-but not much. Her father was still not well, only a couple of days before there was an other trip to the emergency-the news was not bad, as all tests. CAT SCAN, X-rays, of every part, MRI  were normal at that point, but he was still complaining about his ailment-but she felt a bit better as nothing serious showed. Had a bottle of wine that night to celebrate-or to forget only she knows the answer to that, but she felt terrible.

The next day she visited a friend-who did offer moral support and a bottle of Holy water from a well known shrine, though she did not know what was going on. On her way home she bought an other bottle of wine and drank it that day-she felt awful, especially with all the medication. Through all this chaos, she was getting more and more tired-she could hardly take two steps before becoming breathless and her heart wanting to jump out of her chest.  She had not slept in days, started having lucid dreams and  was shaking like a leaf inside-choked up by tears every moment.

Next day she bought an other bottle of wine-ate nothing all day and in the evening, she got into a panic attack-and fear gripped her heart-at the thought that God was about to grant her wish,  thoughts of wishing  to die started fading ,as to her it was getting obvious that she just may die-and that is without the pills, but according  to her desire and the will of God.

She took what was left of the wine and pored it into the sink-and promised God that if He allowed her one more chance at life she would change. She started praying-which a while back fell by the wayside.

The following  morning she started feeling very light headed and spaced out. She had  been continually taking her blood pressure pill, but for weeks she had not taken her blood pressure. She took it that morning-it was deadly high; 197/116…..an hour later it was 207/128, her pulse was irregular and had felt awful. Panic griped her heart-she most certainly did not want to die now. Now how quickly we change when we face death.

 She never said anything to her father-that morning, except her sister and son-they wanted to take her immediately to the hospital. She refused, said later and just to come over and look after her dad; she made her promise not to say anything to him. She said she really had to go to work, but after work she will call and her son would take her to the hospital later that evening. The thought in her head was clear which she kept to herself : “if I survive the day”-. But, she was adamant, through her sobs and fear.

She made it to work, but made it a short day-as she once again took her blood pressure and it was in the major danger zone-so she left work early and got to the hospital emergency about  5 o`clock. There they took her pressure-it was in the main danger zone still, they were worried. They did blood tests, ECG only showed a fast beat, but nothing abnormal-also took her pressure every 5 minutes-they were going to put her on a IV with some medication, but thought to wait a little as  after the second reading  it was much lower, and within 30 minutes was –she says; 135/65-which she never ever had it that low in her life. They had no idea why or how-the doctor was amazed. The ECG became though all this time normal and all the blood tests came back normal. And today she is perfectly fine in everyway-she says she feels like a new beginning to all-she says it feels like a new life.

I think Rachel`s story is a testament that often we say things, do things,  wish for things that we do not really mean or want-for when we come face to face with it; with death we all want to live. I think that her life has come to a major turning point-and perhaps it is a lesson for me and to all of us to give thanks that we are alive, for  every moment of life is a blessing and a huge gift-we only value it when it becomes crystal clear that we are about to lose it.