The portrait

  Music has always been for many, a bridge to the unconscious-where we keep, preserve  and collect memories. Also lessons learnt, - regarding love, compassion , altruism,  empathy and other  positive emotions which reside in the higher self, often referred to as “the seat of the soul” I- personally believe that the negative emotions- hate, anger, jealousy, selfishness  and other such emotions which are lack of the positive, reside more is the domain of ego. One expands spirit, the latter stunts the growth of spirit, and hinders  the advancement of soul.

So –where does all this lead us, to a certain piece of music that has become the very fabric of my soul, due to circumstance. In  2001, I traveled to the city of my birth-Budapest. A few months  before I got to discover a great revelation about my life which was that my father, whom I always thought was my biological father –was not. My biological father, was in fact living in Budapest-and has always been in connection with my mother. I was not a surprise, nor a mystery to him, when I called him on the telephone; his voice reflected his  joy and happiness when he heard my voice. Though I had never met him, he spoke on the phone in a way as if he was always present in my life-and strange as it may seem he did not sound like a stranger to me.

I had made arrangements to go over to his apartment on the Buda side the next day, close to the hospital where I was born. At this time, he had already retired as  a professor  of architecture from the Budapest University of Technology and Economics, he also held the position of Dean, for a number of years in the 1970`s.  In the late 1960 he was a visiting professor for three years  at the University of Palermo and spent  also two years in Stockholm teaching there in German in which he was fluent. He was in every way an academic-loved teaching, and had a special relationship with his students . A great innovator in the technology of architecture and had brought many new innovations in architecture; regarding the importance of natural light-. He  had written many technical papers and numerous text books.  During the 1956 revolution, he was a major key figure in  drawing up the “16 point manifesto” with his students opposing the Communists regime demanding a new government and was the mover of the October 23rd demonstrations which was the beginning of the 1956 revolution – he was seriously reprimanded after, but they did not indict him . 

University of Budapest of technology and Economics.

To make a long story short in a nutshell- if a life can in some way be in a nutshell. My biological father  had met my mother accidentally- my mother was already married out of convenience being entirely alone in life-at age 17; her mother had fled to Germany and her father was away in Russia fighting the war. So she married a man ten years her senior,for stability.  At this point a few years had passed after the war, she was already 23. At this point they had no children, I have since found out that my father could not have children, she always longed for a child. 

The years  after  the war were difficult times for many people including my parents-they rented part of a house just outside Budapest. Fate intervened  in a most serendipitous way, and had brought  together two souls for a brief moment in time. He was a 2^nd year university student when his parents bought the house that my parents were renting. When she was 18, a very famous Hungarian portrait painter saw her, and asked if she would sit for her-free of charge as he considered her very beautiful. She did. It was hanging on the living room wall when  he came to look the house over –according to my mother-he stopped in his track and stared at the portrait for a few very long minutes mesmerized-she was always very beautiful, even to this day.  He moved into the house with his parents, and thus a relationship was born. Later he told her that, that  was the precise moment that he fell in love with her when he first glimpsed her portrait. At  the same moment she felt the same emotion. Their relation was platonic for many months . They communicated through knocking on the walls, and talking through keyholes for long  many long months. 

Finally he asked her to get a divorce and marry him-he was staring his 3^rd year. She agreed, but his mother as soon as she found out rebelled against the idea.  As  my grandfathers second wife was Jewish, the family was  highly anti Semitic, though it was years after the war, amid a grand drama she announced  according to my mother to her close friend:   “ I would rather see my son in a coffin than to have that Jew in the family”. That was the end of the marriage proposal.  On my mothers next birthday-which was on the 29^th of June, they met on the banks of the Danube- he presented her with a  gold wedding  band with the inscription of the very same date .He swore he would love her forever, as she did as well.  That was the night I was conceived- never before nor after were they ever together physically ever again.

When she found out she was pregnant, she made arrangements to meet him on Castle Hill at a  beautiful, old coffee shop-that is still operating to this day. He did not know of the news. When he arrived it was a very emotional reunion-she ran into his arms- him kissing her passionately. All this  according to my mother. She told him the news, he was just ecstatic lifting her up and twirling around with her in his arms giddy with happiness. They decided that if it is a girl, she would be Zsuzsanna, a name  which he chose, and if it was a boy, she would choose Peter.  Also they made a vow -always no matter what to keep in touch as their love was forever. They did. 

So he knew all the special moments of my life-even when my parents had left the country. She sent many pictures of me-and visited Hungary numerous times over the years. He never wanted to marry- but when he was in his late 50`s he was seeing a young woman who was 21 years his junior, she got pregnant on purpose-she really wanted to marry him badly.  He did. They had a son- yes, named Peter-my half brother. His prior opposition was  also because of the age difference-he said he told her that in a few years she would still be young and  he would be a sick old man. Strange ways life works.

Not exactly a nutshell- for the story needed to be told. Fast forward to 2001. I never had even the faintest of ideas all these years, neither my mother, nor my father ever said anything- and my father did love me very much.