Nothing

I was listening to Stephen Hawking-the subject:"There is no God"-what a lot of crap. I do believe that he maybe the greatest physicist , but also he is the bitterest soul on the planet-probably because of his condition. According to his deduction, mathematically with the help of Einstein-he has concluded that negative energy + positive energy is ZERO, thus the "big bang"originated from ZERO or nothing.

Matter, Energy, Space is needed to create the universe-according to him; thus a black hole exploded  "the big bang"-and gave rise to "time"and "space" at the same instance-before that was no space or time thus, there was nothing-his conclusion -there is no God, as there was "nothing".

Ok- I agree to the point of nothing-but the problem with this theory, is that even if there was ZERO; what was before-even if we say there was no time or space. Expanding and contracting eternally is a great thought, but what about before this process??- as he says eventually the universe  will contract back to a black hole. Mmmm, what came first -the chicken or the egg? I am not going to go on- as one can go around in circles eternally-so just think about it .

Vanished

 
How appropriate this above visual--love has vanished, has flown away! Dishonor is a sad, sad situation-the most disenchanting, disappointing feeling in the world when one`s trust has been shattered in one that one loves. When one sees clearly and sees the soul of the other in a clear light, all its darkness and the lies is most heartbreaking. Love is not a noun, neither is it a game but a verb-sadly of which you are totally unaware, but I should have realized a long, long time ago whom you really are. But love is blind, dumb and deaf , in a sense I am the lucky one, for you are to be pitied for you have no idea what love really is. Lord-I am so very disappointed in you, in myself. You call yourself a man of God, a deeply spiritual soul --really.....?

Ecclesiastes 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

End of things that are, end of roads travelled well, end of patterns, end of love. As the  Old Mariner said--The bible says all good things come to an end.--So it has finally.

You see darling fire and water don`t mix--we were deluded.

The only  word that comes to my mind is "cycles" -they end. This time for good-no matter what, this time no going back and what`s more I have no desire to. I now see clearly that nothing was real, it was all a lie and it was a time of learning for my soul. Prior--last year I felt bad, thought I had done wrong, now I know that I have done nothing , and the fault lies elsewhere. Sadly-my heart aches not for me but for you, for you shall spend the rest of your life filled with regret, searching something you already have had. My poor, poor, poor Cica what enormous loss you are facing-the consequences yet to come.

We had two chances--now no more ever--even were we would have an other, I am finished, I am at peace and I want nothing to do with you--ever. You see I did no wrong--you did, most shamefully. I have destroyed all memories of you--to the last letter, last e-mail, down to the very last word-all gone. Deleted, erased and burnt. You are now dead. I feel light, easy and at peace--maybe one day we shall meet in heaven--that is if we recognise each other, which I very much doubt. I have embarked on a totally new path, new life--without you and have erased all memories of you from my heart and mind. It was a strange weird relationship anyway what we had--it was twisted, insane and abnormal, no wonder it couldn`t survive. I --in my deranged mind, because of my romantic soul, with a heart filled with love for you thought  that we were different, and that we were destined by God--. NO-. God does not make exceptions--in God`s eye we are all the same.

I had to look up he word "grokked" I don`t even know how to spell it--but you were right when you wrote it in regarding love--to my Naomi character. I should have realized it then whom you were, whom you are-- someone whom is an illusion. Fantasy--all that was in your mind and probably mine as well.We are two mixed up, crazy, insane people--with strange imaginings which never happens, especially without meeting face to face.Wasn`t all your fault, I ran with the illusion, or is it delusion?

I am ever so sorry to have taken up so much of your time, many years, this is no short time--I know all your letters were just simply-empty words that looked good on the screen-. I am sorry that love seems to elude you for you are a good person and deserve better. But--God as His way, reason and purpose for our trial and tribulations.

I wish you all the best--but nothing of you has remained in my heart--I have blotted  it all out--physically, mentally and emotionally everything. I do feel free. I have been set free. Goodbye my sweet Cica, my beloved heart--you were truly loved for a mere moment in time-truly, honestly and from the heart, few can say that. Be well--and wish you a long and happy life. For some strange reason I feel light, happy and at such tremendous peace--knowing I have done nothing wrong and my life is unfolding in a most spectacular way in so many areas lately. God is good to me.--Why? I have no idea--but My Lady and My Lord are good to me--they love me as I do Them. They are  merciful and loving and I see clearly many things and why this and why things are as they are and how things will be.

May God be forever be with you, and angels guide you to His Sacred Heart and to Her Immaculate  Heart, my poor beloved lost Oliver. May you find what you seek. One thing that remains of your presence,  is your occupation of one bead on my rosary daily-the last bead on the first decade of " the caplets of Divine Mercy"-that moment you are always thought of, prayed for and always will and always have a place there;  one can never have enough prayers, and grace from God. I am sure.

I am happy and at peace--thank you. All is -"Blowing in the wind'. There always comes a time to say goodbye. But the question is-did I ever love you? Well, we shall all see the others heart one day.


Suzie

For you in memory of us:

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head
Pretending he just doesn't see?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind

-Bob Dylan

Memory collection

It is raining this morning, and I remember well  each time it rains that I once wrote to someone I love deeply -that I send kisses with each rain drop- Mmmm, I wonder if he remembers when it rains? There are so many things we love as human beings, yet we are as different as each snowflake. One of my favourite songs is "I love..."by Tom T Hall-when I hear it  It always reminds me of things I love. Strange, but often these things, these thoughts get lost in the mundane and the hustle and bustle of life, yet these are really the most important things that give meaning to our lives, spiritual as well as  temporal.

I am a collector of memories- Gloria Vanderbilt in her biography, that was on CNN the other night put it very succinctly- that all that happened in her life has never passed, it is always present-there is no past; all is present. I used to think that way, and I sort of lost it it the shuffle of life- but I have decided once more to revisit it- especially with all the things I have put away in -boxes, trunks, binders and such weird places that I even smile at.

I have things one can hardly imagine-nothing gets thrown out; well, not important stuff like letters, notes, birthday cards, books with flowers pressed within their pages- I even have an Andersen  storybook my grandfather gave me at age 10, and my cherished "autograph book" from when I was 12...with so many delightful messages ...., hundreds of nick-nacks  each with their very own unique, special story, old rusted keys, corks from bottles that lived through special dates, stones with messages written on them, serviettes from distant places, shells-each one with a special connection, some with profound insights written on them marking the moment....., coral picked up on distant beaches, driftwood from Tobago, old school stuff, my fountain pen, pencil box, my Latin text book-even my black with red stripes school jersey and hat band from grade 5 when I was at the convent...., old dolls with plastic heads;battle scarred with arms missing- but still cherished dearly , toys,-my very first stuffed brown elephant when I was 7.... old boxes that gifts arrived in, even a crystal rainbow angel and a blue silk scarf.

The strange thing about  this is each time one revisits or looks at these items a whole story is re-created in one`s head- so I agree all is the present . But then of course there are other things that trigger the conceptual mind, I simply adore that are continually around me ; especially rainy days like today- and so many things - like music how amazingly it transports us back to different times, the fragrance of the ocean, the gentle flow of the river  here in my back yard, the smell of the grass after rain, the silent falling of snow, the sound of birds at dawn, walking though the forest and seeing what beauty lies in creation- always reminds me of different times and places that have touched my heart.....well and above all else the thousands of photographs hiding everywhere which are the actual witness to my life-each one telling a story of that special moment-whether I was 2 or now- it all flows back  and beacomes the present; all is alive and well within my heart all these things that I have enumerated in this post contributes to my life- this one and the one to come....we take nothing with us except the memories that all of these things, event and actions have evoked within spirit.