A letter of the heart #74

  Written sometime in 2012....

Darling --

Everything changes, yet it all stays the same. Why is that? Time stood still, yet it flies at the speed of light. You have been away, yet never left me, neither have I left you.  What paradox, we are . The us, the we, the I, the you all rolled into one. There is so much I want to say, yet there is nothing to say—for we simple know, and all has been said.  Maybe that is why you were drawn to that part of me that is Naomi. The mysterious, the undiscovered parts of yourself that is still  hidden within me. Are there places as such? I don`t know. Maybe.

As I was reading through your letters, written so long ago--perhaps eons ago, yet yesterday I realize that I know you so well. Einstein`s wife was a fool, for had she loved him she would have know and understood all about Albert, were those  his theories or simply his heart. I think that is the answer to the secret of the universe. Liszt new, Beethoven knew, Napoleon knew—I know, do you? We are so different, yet we are similar in every way, it is only that our expression, relationship to the physical seems to be at odds. But it is not—I express what you are afraid to, or deep down know, and you express exactly the same that scares me to death. You deal in abstractions, I deal in the objectives—one and the same really, as we relate to the world, as we relate to Mary—to God.  You are blessed with more words to express your feelings, I simply feel it.   I have dissected these parts of us down to the last atom, and still it looks, feels and is the same. I hope you know what I am trying to say in such an inelegant  way.

Though all is different, yet the same, I or rather we have never been apart--strange it is the same with my father and my mother, they don`t seen each other, nor speak at times for decades , yet they refer to each other as if they are completely present in each others life, which they actually are, and when they meet it is like they never have been apart- ever. Yet they have been together only once physically when they conceived me—Now there is love for you.  Every time they meet, my mom being the more objective will ask as I do of you as to how he feels—he simply goes silent  points to his heart and then to his head, meaning it all resides in those two places—his love and feelings, none has ever left, gone anywhere.  Funny. Thus is with us.  

That is why for me, though I have missed you most terrible, yet I haven`t in the least really. Baffles me in a way, for  at times I think maybe it is because I don`t love you enough, then I catch myself  and realize it is just the opposite—it is like Rumi says—“we have been in each other all along”.  Once something is found, it is never lost  especially when it comes to spirit and soul.

In some ways I have learnt much during this fishing time—including caving, as I see reading my cards to you—I was terrified to lose you, was afraid I would say the wrong thing and  when I didn`t hear from you for days I was beside myself of what I had done wrong. Wondering , conjuring up strange scenarios and beating myself up. I did nothing, neither did you. The thing is darling, no one has nor is going anywhere. I never was the reason for your silence, your darkness, nor  your frustrations,  --as you never were never the reason for my feelings of insecurity, my dependence, my fears or obsession with losing you. We do those things to our very selves. We do need reassurance in different areas, --I, in words of love at times, you  to be loved, yet in feeling your freedom without being tethered, that what gives us each our peace. The difference between water and fire is different, yet the same,  as you once pointed out— they need each other to survive—too much either way the other dies—but need and feed each other nonetheless. 

You said we are complete within ourselves—no, not at all. Absolutely not without each other—you see that cannot be.  Sounds a bit like a crutch, a dependence--but as I said it is rather the other wing—The key three words are “not—to—need ”. Two wings are necessary to fly, you can live with one wing, but you will always be on the ground. You see that other wing opens up new venues, new horizons and new adventures—remember Jonathan? Flying is what gives rise to creativity,  courage, imagination, hope and vision—with two wings and you are able to soar to unimaginable heights. It is that what allows you to break away from the bonds of the earth, like the little creature in “Illusions”.

Neither are our objectives different, only its manifestation, or its expression seems so. But it is not. Being dedicated to your purpose does not change anything, neither does our relationship take away anything from your purpose, or mission. Neither will your love for Mary  become less deep, as neither will my love for Her become less. Neither are we at ideological cross purposes—only the way we express it gives the impression of it being so But, that is exactly why we are one. 

Love , if it is real, never lets go—just seems so. If it does, it never was there. Do you see? That is why I always really have understood every word of Phytha, as every word of every one of your letters . As well as all your fears, frustrations, anger, fury and your lonely darkness.  As  I understand just as well your joy, elation, fulfillment, peace, happiness and love that you have expressed.  Especially  I understand your heart. It is crystal clear before me.  Would I not, then we would  actually be at cross purposes, and love would surely could not have flown out the door, for it never could have been present in the first place. Do you understand?

It is from one of my blogs, years ago, it is from Illusions. Funny I came across it the other day also—You see darling, this is what an other wings helps us to do: Let Go.

The Master answered  and said, ``Once there lived a village of creatures
along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river
swept silently over them, all young and old, rich and poor, good and
evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal
self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks
of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting
the current what each had learnt from birth. But one creature said at
last, `I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I
trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go and let
it take me where it will. Clinging I shall die of boredom`.

The other creatures laughed and said; `Fool! Let go and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and
you will die a quicker than boredom!`.

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath let go, and at once
was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free
from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And all the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger cried;`
see a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
Messiah, come to save us all!`

And the one carried in the current said, `I am no more Messiah than
you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare to let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure`.

But they cried the more, `Saviour!` all the while clinging to the
rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left
making legends of the Saviour``.

I love you