Family

 

The fact of the matter is that life and personalities are very complex, it is hard to live in harmony no matter how hard one tries. That is why I think at times it is  best to be entirely alone, and feel not the turmoil of family. Jealousy  and envy are awful traits and it is very present in our family. True, A is babying O and gives her all, but that is her choice--I don`t mind. But it seems to bother everyone, especially O in many forms. We have chosen our own way--so no one can complain.

The one who could complain is me--I am always the problem everywhere, yet I have always done my best. The only one really who ever truly acknowledged me, who was honest and saw and stated the truth about me was Feri--bless his heart--was the only one who expressed his gratitude, yet he wasn`t even so close a family member as others. . I have never been thanked from anyone--.But that is not needed, but would have been nice to see that I was appreciated. . It was always my obligation that is how I have been treated--no recognition of thanks at all, ever. Feri   always said--`you are the wheels of this family`. I always cared about him and Ol very much. I would call her, but if A found out she would be very jealous also--why I have no idea. She thinks we would be discussing her, so I don`t call her at all. I was always living for family. Was my choice---it is like religion and Jesus--not because I had to , but because I want to out of love.

I truly try my best, always have yet it is never good or enough. I am always the problem so it seems. maybe one dosn`t see ones self, I suppose, but I am never out to hurt anyone intentionally, nor have I .

The fact is, L also has a bee in her bonnet about O--she had her chance at the time, She rebelled--well that was her choice. D also--both have a problem. O has no obligation to do anything, and yet everyone thinks so. Because he has a good career money everyone things its his responsibility to do things--and I must say, sans gratitude form any of them.

L  says--all have to live in O`s shadow--well why. They all had choices, and chances. So everybody whatever in life can simply blame themselves--my life is my responsibility and I take full responsibility for all. They were my choices, I blame no one. And even now, I do all because I want to--not because I feel obligated to. L too, like her father  is always concerned about everyone else, at times , well most of the time she dosn`t even like me , never mind love me.

Well, what can I do--I have tried my best I would give my life for her, but some reason that was never enough. I know it stems from all the talk--that is embedded in her subconscious about me from him. D is in the same boat--all the talk from Ap.

I have decided to disengage my self from all--that is the best. Time is short anyway. Be more immersed in spiritual work and writing--makes me feel good and fulfilled.