Going out of my head

 

I thought I was pretty alright today--then comes this Ashtar message. All I can say is that I am one confused kitty. I am talking about the messages from the Ashtar Command. At most they are as confusing as the Dickens. Often their messages are conflicting with the Galactic Federation to some degree. Please someone un-confuse me. And to make things even worse, I am here talking to myself. Do we believe it all? Are we being duped? Are we being lied to? All I know is that I seem to be living in some sort of weird reality--nothing is real from moment to moment. The only realness for some time was today--downtown, at St. Basil.

Mind you, those dancing` whatever they were over` Italy seemed pretty convincing, and a few others--the V-shaped ones. I wish I could speak with you--how I wish. All seems so unreal, I keep saying this--and each day I feel different, I seemed to be stuck to this computer, that is the only importance it seems in my life.  I am so restless, so uneasy, can`t find my space. One day joyful, happy other days miserable, sad  and depressed. My head is dizzy spinning around like a top, thoughts whizzing by at a million miles an hour, whereas some are bogged down like in a swamp. All seems to be in a huge haze, a deep fog that descends onto me at times. Well more times than I care to admit.

Today wasn`t so bad, as I wrote that long St Michael adventure, but generally the nights are awful. I am up every night at two or three--have the weirdest of dreams that I don`t remember. Days flow into each other, and are being washed away like grains of sand on a beach. I don`t know what day it is, what date it is, where I am. Don`t know what I need to do, what my mission is, I don`t know anything. Even the rosary that was so familiar is totally foreign at times--. maybe I am going crazy. It is frightening--no I am not frightened, that  is different. I have said this in a number of posts--the same thing like a parrot. I would like to know what is happening, to me. maybe it`s just me--going out of my head completely. Absolutely nothing interests me at all.  Nothing. Not even your cards, your words, our past--though I miss you terribly and wish we could talk. But I know that, that is not the problem. Goes much deeper than that. As you see from my post, each day it changes; the whole panorama of my outlook. I wonder if the same is happening to you? If you feel what I feel? I am often very sure of what and how you feel, at times I question my sensitivity about you though. Perhaps doubt myself.

There is absolutely no one to talk to about all this. But even then, I don`t think anyone knows, or cares to listen these days. My totem appeared that`s a fact, he never has. So why now?  Xerxes seems more real than anything else these days--As for God, He is very present, so is Our Blessed Mother, but it`s all like I feel about us--like being put in a blender all mixed up, no separation. She said a few insightful things the other day, but it still seems to be no understanding in me. It`s this urgency about something, an internal trembling something happening yet I know not what.  I feel I am going insane. Oh, God how I wish I could talk with you. Maybe they are just ascension symptoms the indigo`s harp about incessantly. I should visit them and see if they have any wise insights into this mess, I haven`t been there in ages.

Would you believe that each day I start by looking at the US. Geologic page, and looking at what is happening regarding earthquakes. It is moment by moment official site--Now why would I do that? Then I don`t do much on the computer except write. None of the sites that interested even a month or so ago interest me in the least--except the 2012 Ascension site. I hardly read any of my e-mails, I am amazed that I am paying my bills. Sure I see a few patients, but not like it used to be. All is upside-down--like the `opposite` post I wrote. I have no idea why I wrote that, why on a daily basis we have to do something opposite--said 20 things. Well I manage a few, never 20. All is so very different as to the way it was, I wish I could go back to the way things were. No, not you and I, I mean my real life, reality--or what seemed like reality then. 

Maybe I should just get drunk every night, and forget everything entirely--even that dosn`t interest me, just makes me miserable the next day. So I have given up on that idea. Also the pills, they just make me tired as hell. All one senseless bitch of a time--,however I know you would put it  much more delicately,  in other words, as in b---- meg.

 Exactly how I feel, Munch had it right on. I can`t seem to have peace, like you. Probably worse--much worse. Help me. I offered my help this afternoon to you, yet I am in much more of a need. What is all this leading to? Where will it end?