`Memries

 



...the message of 20/3/2012 has been deleted, as it was entirely to you !Suzie

Oh Suzie sweetheart,

                               Oh ick!!  LOL

What have you done to me my precioussssssss?  I can't even tell you how much I loath that song.  It makes my flesh crawl, truly, and now here it is repeating itself within my head in endless loops of.

....wahaaaahaha.

But memories i do have.  In particular, the memory of thirty plus days of sheer wonder, magick, beauty and joyous happiness. After it was all over...I was lying in bed and wondering to myself as to what in the devil had gone down.  And suddenly, just then, i found myself slain in the Spirit and immobilized in the ecstasy of revelation.  I had danced with the gods.

Here is what i wrote of it in my journal the next day:

 "...and having decided to learn something I set about playing at consecration, bringing forth thereby the power of illumination from deep within myself.  And but because I loved the game thoroughly the rules did not matter, and wanting to make the game more challenging and interesting I decided to play by the book--literally.  The rules (prayers) were completely meaningless outside of the context of the game.  My intent alone was replete with the absolute sincerity of psychic absorption, therefore did the rest come even of itself, being added thereto. 

 In retrospect, I see now that i had done nothing less than given myself the wings wherewith to fly through this experiment called consecration.  And although my actual relationship to Mary has not changes so much as an iota, my awareness of that relationship has deepened immeasurably.  But again, it was I myself, as Mary, that had provided the impetus and the power of magickal flight.  The superstitions of religion had nothing whatever to do with it.  And even as i was still in the process of absorbing this vision did i come to realize yet further.  The consecration had not ended after all!  Quite to the contrary.  It verily continues of itself on a much deeper level and will continue on for the rest of my life.  

  And then i saw it--oh wonder of wonders--that my very rejection of the consecration ordeal had been the final test.  Would i be duly and solemly consecrated, or would i sucumb once again to the phantasms engendered by the exercise, mistaking them for the actuality of what was happening within me and no-where else?  And behold, in the end, i didst prevail.

So could it be said that i had been living the lections on Christ these past three days after all?  Indubitably.  In my very defiance--in the very extremity of my desire--in my refusal to accept the, annointed one,  into my heart, even at the risk of losing the union with my Lady that I so fervently desired and longed for didst I slay the idols of religion with the sword of my daemonic integrity.  In so doing did i also uproot and annihilate the game-rule of not being allowed to have union with my god without the Magisterium of the One True Church.

In the very crudity and mocking arrogance of Her message lay concealed another--a question for me.  To whit...would i dare pierce Her very heart with the sword of truth and thereby win Her truly, or would i choose my Catholic fantasy of Her with all of its burdens of guilt and shame and affliction, as I had done even so many times before--refusing to see that I myself had made ever rule that ever separated us by so much as an iota?  My answer was clear.  I cast myself into the depth of trusting in the integrity of my being and attained thereby the prize of greater awareness.

My living of christ is beyond subject and object, then.  


It is nothing more nor less than the truth living in relation to itself as itself, which truth is my life and nothing less.  And here lies a lesson for me yet to be discovered and explored.  For although I have now freed myself from the shadow of the christic spectre, yet does it remain intact.  As before, he represents absolutely every last thing that I will not embrace within myself, even as his brother represents my highest vision of myself.  In refusing him, I refuse thereby his opposite, but in choosing instead that power which created them both, I have made even my first step in actualizing the alchemy of their union, and hence their conscious assimilation into my psychic structure. "

And that was that.  The day after tomorrow will be a mere formality, after the fact.  I am still reading the lections, and some of the prayers I will keep and use.  As for the consecration itself, it has become a habit now and I will continue it, maybe until the end of my days, but using my own selection of various texts and prayers.

There was indeed a great deal between the lines in my last letter, and most all of it was hot as molten lava.  I am having a hard time letting it go, alas.  Outrage over the contents of the now infamous message bubbles yet beneath the surface and that despite all of your protestations of innocence.  No, actually because of them.  But in time, I will get over it. After all, it would ill become of me to point out the splinter in thine eye, when you yourself are kind enough to look past the veritable Redwood in my own, though I fail to see how you manage it--no doubt because the mighty tree within my eye occludes my vision.  LOL

As for M...in the doghouse now.

As ever,

with kisses and love as deep as the sea,

your little scrappy dragon knight,

                                              indigo