Begining of the end

 

Dearest darling…my Heart;

I think that you have made yourself very clear in how and what you feel.  And I am truly sorry that you now realise that that you should have done it before. Do forgive me for my ignorance for not reading between the lines and understand what apparently you have been wanting to say , or feel you should have said some time ago. I was blinded by love.

 As for the statement that `I will not forbid you  to write to me`--I am sorry that, that thought had even occurred to you, of that also I had no idea. However I do see it now what you should  have told me long before. I have no problems that you may feel that it is in need of reparation and you have never been in the way of my happiness. Whatever we do, we do it to ourselves, you have nothing to warrant saying this. I am also rather sad that things have changed for you, as you say that things I write mean something else now than they did months ago.  I am so sorry.

What I write and say to you is not because of any insecurity I have regarding us, it never was because of that. Or because I want you to reciprocate it--whatever I write comes from my heart, nothing to do with insecurity, or that being the reason why I confirm my love for you each day. I am very  sorry that you have to state that you never asked me to do so--that hurt a hell of a lot. However let me remind you had you forgotten that a number of times you have actually did ask me- saying you could not bare the day without a letter from me--Ah , a very convenient amnesia. I know you haven`t ever asked me to do so originally, it was my choice, the choice which was love wanting to express itself as it flowed from my heart.  But I see that your interpretation of all is rather different as to my intent--well, now at least.

You see I am not insecure, --nor have I ever been. At times a brief thought may have arisen, but overall I was secure. However,  when one is close to a person one wants to feel the connection. No, not love letters on a daily basis, but a short `hi` or  what`s up-- though the message were great as I seem to be re-reading them  now and then, and reflecting on them! Not that I or you may  have something important to say. Anyway I am sure you have no idea what the hell I am talking about--you used to. Love has nothing to do with it? Well, actually it does very much --well, you may not think so, but I guess here where we differ, for it surly very much does.

It has nothing to do with trust for had I not trusted you I wouldn`t be here. Had I felt that you didn`t love me, or believed you  I would have left a long time ago! I know that you are not about to disappear. I never wanted you, or demanded from you pages of declaration of love, or anything important--you volunteered it willingly . A short note --a line would have sufficed, would have meant just as much to me. Do you understand? Whatever I do, write, or the way I act is not because you are a fragile orchid needing healing moment to moment, or  becoming an emotional crutch for you--it is simply because I love you totally unconditionally. One day you will understand my words, at this point you are far too close to the events.

I am sorry that you feel the way you do--that your freedom, your heart even your soul seems to be in danger in being lost or consumed by me. I have no doubt, or question whatever you say and believe truly it comes from your heart, that isn`t the problem.--you seem to think that you are losing some part of you. Not at all. Feed my hang ups? What may that be? Deeper intimacy and greater creative fruitfulness? It certainly dosn`t seem like that from my point of view that, that is the step that you want to take with me from what I am reading here. Are you willing? Sounds more like an excuse to me--maybe I am mis-reading you.

Am I hell bent on keeping this relationship where it was in the beginning? How wrong you are! I wanted it to be deeper, better and more fulfilling in all ways, it amazes me how very much you have misunderstood my intentions. I have no fears either, never did. As I said then I would not be here any more then. I don`t want to risk going deeper into this relationship with you? Why ever not? your statement  couldn`t be further from the truth. However that is not achieved by silence, but by being more connected, more verbal,  not disconnected as we have been lately. Much has been due to the fact of external factors, I shall not get into that--however those hardly will matter a few months from now. People are rather fickle, selfish and don`t care tuppence about the way you feel--but I shall not open them can of worms.

 Indulge my fears, indulge my hang ups?  By asking you to be sincere, honest and tell me how you truly feel and now I realise I was certainly right, as you say this was long overdue. I`m sorry! I have never laid any guilt trips on you ever. What I did was because that is what I wanted to say, do or tell you. As I told you before, I never wanted anything from you, but honesty. Now I have it in plain English. I have always have been totally honest, truthful and on the level.

Do you really think that my declaration of my love for you so insistently is a form of insecurity or fear ? Boy, how very wrong you are. You sure know me not! This begs the question --was your declaration in all your letters and cards lies?--Were they sent for the sole purpose to quench my fears, so called hang-ups  that were born out of your own mind? Were those word all lies simply to appease my so called insecure spirit--well that absolutely was not warranted. You volunteered them all freely.

But that is okay.  And I shall take your recommendation to heart . As to not writing, well that is entirely up to you. However none of all this is because I have to look  into a darkness that haunts me, or that which needs sharing. Perhaps I cannot encompass the darkness, I have no need to meet it,--maybe that is your home it isn`t mine. I just visit there. Thus we differ.

Light is where I always have been, and feel comfortable there, darkness provides safety though, and I do love it, but not because of sadness, but joy and what it whispers to me.  I have always been a relatively, happy fulfilled soul. I have my dark moment, but very briefly, and try reject all else if possible.

I know life very well, more than you think that I know. Yes it is a mixture, but I choose, or try and choose the good, the best possible and refuse to wallow in the bad, to make suffering my life`s mission  for  my life`s sake, or above all love`s sake! I affirm nothing less and refuse to accept anything else also rather unconditionally, only the best and positive from all that life hands me, all the rest I  overwhemingly  reject. Life is all is what we imagine, or want to see, want to experience. Thus I have no regrets about my life whatsoever. I would do it exactly the same way, live it the same way. My beliefs, love for you, my philosophy of life and all my other weird and strange ideas do not make me less spiritual, --in fact as Our Lady clearly stated; We have to experience all in this world, every thing to progress towards becoming more spiritual, more polished as to be able to reflect more light.

Yes, love is the richest experience that life that can bring teaching to spirit and it is fearless,--and at time does entail suffering, but we don`t have to create it needlessly for love`s sake! We don`t have to put a torch to ourselves to prove the fire I our hearts, and we don`t have to inflict wound onto each other and cause suffering, thus making love more noble. We have but one life, thus I feel I have to live it with the least amount of paddling against the stream, but go with the least amount of resistance, least amount of pain, least amount of conflict, turmoil or pain. The choice is ours. I choose to go with the stream, and inflict the least amount of pain onto my self or the one I love.

I have never doubted that you love me--that is not my point. I know you do, and always will. But there are certain things we have control over, and certain things we don`t. Thus the one`s we have control over we have to use it to our best possible advantage because life is unpredictable, and as you say it`s not all love, light and romance, but one should  try and live as it is just that. Rather an unrealistic approach, I agree, but I have learnt that it is worth doing that, as that is what eventually that remains, and one looks back on.These will be time you will look and reflect on, and shall never forget--perhaps you will never admit it, but it will never be erased from your heart.  As time will go by, the memories will haunt us more and more, as it is with all who truly loved. But this is the fate of the human soul. Things start going up in value once lost, appreciated when it has vanished.

Thus I have lived day to day in appreciation when it came to you. I thanked God each day for you, for loving me. I am sorry to be such a disappointing, incurable  romantic in your eyes. And I am truly sorry that by declaration of my undying love distances you, I really thought I was living them with you. I have never had a problem with getting my hands dirty in the mud of life, I was, I am always there for you. I have understood you, felt your pain, your darkness and places that you have frequented. Nay, safe harbour you are not, not even for the meek--safe harbour I am, always was for you, for your soul. Now you don`t realise, but thus I am, one day you will see clearly.

Thank you for this overdue letter and do forgive me for causing you anguish and being difficult for far too long. I guess the truth is what I have been asking all along , raw honesty. Now you have been. I am also sorry for the letters, cards that I have sent, as I see now, have not been welcome, forgive my blindness. I had no idea that too much sunshine, love wilts and withers you! 

Where I am now, is where I want to be, never have I done or will I do anything I do not want to do--neither you nor anyone will ever drag me kicking and screaming to a place where I do not want to go, or be.  As you say, the choice is mine, however  the choice is also yours. I have no problem with change, growing , even suffering at times for the right reasons, for a noble cause, for love`s sake, when necessary, but not needlessly.  But suffering intentionally for it`s own sake, just to be a martyr, that I will refuse!

I have absolutely no armour of perfection, or pretty parts, far from it, I am rather vulnerable when it comes to you, never to others. All I have is but an open  heart filled with love for you, that is immeasurable--probably in my deranged mind, thus it seems. I am sorry that that is not enough, or maybe just a bit too much, but I have nothing else to offer you, but just that and that makes up for a lot of other things. Seems that I was under the false impression that we were deepening our relationship, our love into each other, seems I was rather mistaken.

I was prepared to risk all, give all for you, for this relationship, be all for you, do whatever it took to make it work. Actually I thought it was working, guess I was wrong.  I suppose you are right, I should get a grip on myself. Were you ever prepared to do that? I have always been there for you, with you, my hand held out for you to take it, my heart to comfort you, to embrace you and make you feel protected and safe, and loved.  I now realise that that is not what you need, or wanted  from me.

As for the gritty, seamy dark side of me, that I have not come face to face with it  as of yet, yet, I am sure one day I will--or perhaps never will. At this point there is not much to show you except the growing part, but to you that seems like insecurity, fear, need, craving for happiness and probably crazed pure obsessiveness. I also apologise for the myriads of quotes I have sent you, this is the last one--by Rumi, and it`s not even 3.10 am yet!

~Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.

Love alone is capable of revealing the truth of Love and being a Lover.

If you want to live, die in Love;

die in Love if you want to remain alive.~

Rumi

I truly tried to do that in loving you!

Above all I apologise for all the apologies in this letter! …I had no idea I was so off the beaten track. Thus unfortunately those words were very necessary to say.

I wonder if you will miss me one day?--only you will ever know.

Must it be? It must!

forever,

Suzie -Q