Dragon chronicles

                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Why these dragon chronicles?

Maybe it is a confession of my sins in a way, begging for absolution.  Doing penance. As I have come to learn through much pain and sorrow, I have to first forgive myself for all the wrongs I have caused you. I think I have come to terms with it all finally, it was a long process. Grieving the death of our relationship. It feels almost a joyous relief to be able to write about it. Do I make any sense? I feel I am freed in some weird way, yet loving you even more than I ever have. Now how is that possible? Is there an explanation? I really have to ask Her, we haven`t had a heart-to-heart lately.

But, now I am able to let go. I have no idea how or why it happened, but I see everything in a totally different light. Do you understand? I hope to beg for your forgiveness. I need your forgiveness. But in my heart I know you have forgiven me. You maybe shaking your head, but your heart is nodding. You have a dragon`s heart for sure, now strongly and well  fortified by hardened scales. Probably good German steel from Solingen.

The truth of the matter is, you probably will never ever be reading these words anyway, but by writing I feel you do. Thus for me it`s cleansing of  my soul and spirit. I hate the term closure, but it is in some ways. Can you see that? That is why I wrote you the letter so you may know and I am not doing all this writing behind your back. It was asking for permission of sorts from you to reveal our lives in these blogs, a diary really. So, I wanted to let you know. I hope you know and feel that. I do know we communicate much, as I have stated about the 11th commandment. And I am absolutely alright. I pray that you are also and you are at peace.

I know this was a learning process for both of us. These were hard lessons indeed. The mistakes made, the head games we played. The pain we have caused each other, the tears shed, the misunderstandings-- The wrong interpretation of words written, the confusion, the misconstruing of ideas--The horrendous sadness caused by anger, mistrust, jealousy, pride that ravages the soul and leaves it in tatters-- The awful guilt trips, the blame, the frustration when we did`t get our own way--Threats, punishments that were dished out in the name of our justice that is so undeserving of either of us. Doing  it all in the name of eternal love. The human heart and spirit is very vulnerable when it is fully open. The pain and wounding through love becomes almost impossible to bear. Yet we did it anyway. The funny thing about it is, really we had no cause for any of our actions. I hardly remember the events that started it all,  and look where it has landed us. Why? Why did we do it? What ever possessed us?

Thus now I understand the term ; we hurt most the ones we love. The intense the love, the more we the  punishment hurts. The human spirit is far from perfect, even the divine spark seems dormant at times when it comes to perception of wounding of our fragile egocentric ego.

These writings are actual reminders to myself as never to forget--that there once was an `us`.  And it is really for you too also--perhaps, maybe one day, somehow, in some way you will get to read this. It is my secret hope -- Yes, hope springs eternal.

Some things contained in these pages are from the past, some from  now and still some from times still to unfold. Mostly it is our personal communications through time. Thoughts, reflections and whatever else the future holds. It is  permanent record, a snapshot of fragments of our time together, however they are not in chronological order, only as the universe seemed to have presented them and projected the events onto these pages. Also many more that are still silent and have not been called yet forth to testify, slumbering within the silent archives of g-mail. They too perhaps will have their day in the sun as there are hundreds waiting in the wings wanting to be born onto these pages.

They are reflections of numerous years, not as many as I had wished, but the experience is eternal. Do forgive me, but I am no writer, thus my simple ways of expression reflect a complex heart. My feelings are sincere and honest, and always the exact truth.

I maybe a bit biased in these blogs, however love does that, you know. Beauty is always in the eyes of the beholder, so I have been told.  Maybe the description of ourselves is a bit flowery to some--even cheesy, but this is how I perceive ourselves. However I did try and keep balance. Sort of a memoir of why I love you and remind you who I am--lest you forget....and maybe some strange soul will accidentally stumble onto these  pages and wonder. `Who the hell are these loose cannons`. So they know-sans surnames of course. I should have called it` the secret life of dragons`

How very wrong you were when you thought that you dreamt me into existence, it was I that dreamt you into existence. It was I that was looking for you, it was I who searched you out I am convinced of that now-- for numerous reasons that for me are the proof.

I know with the deepest of conviction that we are two halves of one soul, that is true to me as night follows day. One half of this said soul is you-- the  gifted writer, philosopher, theologian,  minister, the deep spiritual ponderer of life itself. The ultimate follower and seeker and defender of truth. Your spirit is filled with the soul  substance of  great  writers, poets, artist, sages, great thinkers of old that walked the earth throughout the ages.Your sharp mind mind sees and feels the injustices committed by our brethren deeply in the core of your soul. Thus with horrific anger, frustration and unbridled fury often you explode in response as you experiences the very same suffering, almost as if by osmosis.

You are the contemplative one--Thoughtful,  about each word you write. Even answering my letters at times were often days. Reserved and  unyielding, yet ever changing. The quiet one--.

Happiness is for you brief and fleeting, I have always perceived this as you feeling unworthy of being loved. That you are undeserving to be loved  for just yourself. Without your talents and gifts-- believe me you would be just as worthy as you are very special. Many times you have expressed that it is only through suffering can you truly create. And joy often escapes you. Why? I love you beyond all reason--without hesitation--I love you for being just you. Never sell yourself short!

You are romantic, passionate and love flows from you when you walk in the light, you are light. The words flow from you like an ever ending river of beauty--tis you not I , that is the river. The love, the kindness and gentleness that you have shown me, have given me  has filled  me up for many life times, I can never recompense you for that--yes, you filled up my life, as well as my heart.. You have been all that I ever wanted and dreamt of--You were for me that dragon in shining armour to whom I forever pledged my love. My hero. My blessing. My other self.  My angel. My all. Thus, it was I who conjured  you up.The song I once sent to you sums it all up:

`You fill up my senses like a night in a forest, Like the mountains in springtime, Like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the desert, Like a sleepy blue ocean. You fill up my senses. Come let me love you, let me give my life to you, Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms`.

 Forever walking that thin line that lies between the balance of dark and light. Butting heads at times with many, myself included. At times your name is War, and mine is Peace--at times we interchange these names.

Expression of your spirit  arises from the depth of your existence, from the heart God Herself/Himself, their very names are frequently inter changeable  for you, as you perceive God`s various aspects and manifestations. Thus you are of all religions and of no religion in reality. That is what the battle is constantly about .Wanting answers to questions that can never be understood or answered with our human intellect, probably not even with a divine one.

Your quest is endless for these mysteries, and in my mind futile and that is the cause of your suffering. There is constant battle of wills with God, a never ending war. A violent love hate relationship that is tested and changes daily. Feeling unworthy, feeling imperfect, abandoned  and alone. Forever blaming God. At times it is the exact opposite, the reason for this is that you truly love God with intense passion, but  that it is never deep enough or good enough for you. I am sure it is certainly more that enough for God. You are a holy man indeed, but just a man.

Your are a beautiful, gentle, loving, passionate being, blessed with the spirit of angels. Appreciate that, savour those gifts. At times you are Michael the warrior, at times Metatron the scribe, at times Gabriel the messenger, at times Raphael  the healer, at times of pain Azrael the herald of death,  and at times Lucifer the light bearer when lashing out at God. Stop the war, wage peace.

Never forget that you are a shining spirit in the world of darkness. Gifted with the intelligence of the Sufis of old, an ancient soul from beyond the galaxies and creation. Maybe a star-seed or an ancient visitor perhaps?  A stranger to planet earth perhaps a universal wander. Who knows?  We, alone know the answers that are written, encoded in our DNA. We feel  and interpret our true origin of existence and spirituality. Yearning, wanting ever the freedom to fly beyond the horizon and experience your true self.

Passion for the injustices of life run deep in your veins. Your appreciation of beauty, of the arts and  sanctity of the old ways are hold deep respect for you.There is a constant benediction for the earth that is ingrained in your every cell. I know that there is a complete, total dedication of spirit to God/Our Blessed Mother in all Her manifestations from Kali to Mary and all the other aspects of God in between, which you often deeply doubt. That what makes you bleed, but that is being human. The spirit of the indomitable, of the pioneer, of the sinner and the saint is the beat of your heart, that is your compass to the eternal. Always looking, longing--yearning to return home.

Ever  fluid, protean, mysteriously dark, pained, violently passionate in all that you do  is the greater part of your nature. A wall is erected around your heart and  spirit that is seldom revealed to but a few. Why? Because as you know how very vulnerable, sensitive your soul is and you protect it ferociously at any cost.  Your  negativity at times, your changeable moods, your descent into the abyss is often triggered by your over soul, which  you often wrongly blame on the earthly mundane things. No, it all flows from a part of you that knows all, sees all, has experienced all --the manifestation of the spark of the divine in you that few ever recognise or experience.

This  is the reason when it comes to justification in any form of all the atrocities in the world-- you go crazy, absolutely berserk that is when you become Lucien, and the battle with God starts up all once more. How can a God of mercy and compassion can allow all this to happen? And you take it upon yourself to change things, and when you can`t you become even more angry and hate God. Well during those times, there is no God in your mind.

Man`s inhumanity to man is utterly intolerable and incomprehensible to you that a God that is pure love will allow all this suffering and pain to continue. Those times you transform  into this explosive fire breathing dragon. You turn into an unyielding, unforgiving, hard as granite and cold as ice dark angel. Wielding your  fiery sword in defiance at God and lashing out at whom ever is in the way, without mercy or compassion. The greatest of transgressions for you is the deception, lies and the the unfairness of life in this world. Ah, yes, organised religion is a definite bee in the bonnet. Really you are the very embodiment, the personification of Alastor; the spirit of solitude--as you so once aptly described yourself. Great self observation. He is your true nature.

I, the  other half, are the ever passionate, one. Romance and love course through my veins instead of blood. Born probably in the wrong century this time around. The eternal fire and  light. Happy, seldom depressed and satisfied with my lot in life.The ram that is forever butting its horns. The loud. The fiery. The extrovert in all its glory. Push, push push, eventually pushing everyone out of the way, including the ones who love me. What an awful trait--no? Spontaneous to a degree of complete downfall, chaos and causing utter confusion in the process. Doing all important things, decisions in the heat of the moment with regret and mea culpas following closely. Seldom do I understand  that some things cannot be redone, undone, rewritten or taken back. What`s done is done and it forever makes its mark. I know this, yet I still keep doing it. Have no concept of that all things take time, especially you. Nor that you at times like the quiet, the solitude and calmness of your own company. I need everything to be done right now, --probably yesterday, always.

On the more positive side of things. I hope I am good doctor, my patient seem to think so. I have deep understanding and compassion for the suffering of my patients. God, spirit  and prayer play a deep role in my life, as you know. I  respect of all life, live and let live is engraved onto my banner. I am in awe of all of creation from the tiny amoeba to the wonders of the heavens. Even my sick plants are nursed until their very last leaf dies and they take in their last photon of light . Beauty in all  forms leaves me breathless as in  I see the reflection of God mirrored back in everything. No, I am not a saint at all--at all. .

I am  grateful for my life, for my family, for all the experiences, good and bad  that is abound from God. Who knows the mind of God? Only God knows what is the best for us, thus I always offer all up as a form of  thankfulness. I  try live my truth with honor. I am continually humbled  and conscious of  life`s mysteries. Always faithful to my responsibilities and  never betraying  love at any price. The am the constant protective gatekeeper of the downfallen, the downtrodden and lost, so I feel it is my mission in life. I am up beat often far beyond reason, and at times to my own disadvantage. Trying to live in the heart of God  as far as possible and giving full dedication to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, as you so well know.

I care deeply, love fiercely and protect loved ones with my life, that absolutely includes you in that every way--  I give all that I can, every breath, my all  if the need arises. Living on the edge of all extremes of life is a constant pattern and a battle for me. Live and die hard and to hell with the consequences. Rather reckless, no? I am bit vengeful at times, inconsiderate about feelings, with words, thoughtless about the consequences of my actions, as you well know. Regret and remorse soon to follow. Ruled by the heart not the head. That is a huge mistake at times. If patience is a virtue, then I got none when God was dishing it out--it ran out as I was at the end of the line, far too busy chatting you up.

My possessive heart can wound deeply--as you can attest to that, and at times I try to suck out your very life in the name of love. These transgressions at times takes a long time to heal, I know.  Understanding sadness, loneliness, old hurts, experiences are hard for me to feel  through--for I think the remedy for everything is love. I truly love you-- so what is the problem? Why this is so I have no clue. But, probably because I believe in  my heart that my love is so strong that it, can and will change and overcome  all. Make all hurt better, erase past pains. Poof--and it`s gone. Now, is that strange or what?  Some dragon thingy. Sadly, this is a form of selfishness and is hard to overcome. Being self-centred is at times gets confused with love, I guess. And wounds are inflicted mercilessly in the name of love, onto love itself.

I now have come to understand that for  the completeness of being to expand one must allow each part to function and grow separately. Allowing it to flow without restriction, without chains without tethers-- you started to feel the chains. This was for me is the hardest ever in this life to give up selfishness,  that I now see clearly , that is what  had to be learnt.

Wanting to inflict the deepest of wounds onto you any anyway I could when I felt you were abandoning me.  The fear of losing you became a constant haunting thought in my mind. I needed to have assurance of being loved--demanded this from you.  The more I insisted, the more you resisted --these were major road blocks in your way. My insecurity, jealousy, fear was the coup de grace of our relationship.

Thus, I did strange things when I felt hurt by you--wrote letters that were conjured up in my crazy mind to make you jealous--in the event I wounded my own self, for sorry later was not good enough.  But I was always loyal and never deceiving otherwise in anyway. My commitment to you was  for eternity, `wedded forever`--as you said.

Seems we have gotten a divorce, or you are just away in world war 3 for God somewhere for knows how long. Hope you are not dead, even Yuri  returned to Larisa--for a short time anyway.Sadly, Madame Butterfly ran out of time and the train ran over Anna Karenina, Romeo and Juliet both ran out of time--. So, where do we stand? Well there is Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty--but that is why they are called fairy tales, no? So--we don`t have a lot of choices do we?  Oh, worry not-- time is short, the next lifetime is just around the corner. We`ll do a better job then, however it was whispered to me in confidence that we no longer have to return; how do you like them apples?--off on a tangent once more.

Most likely Stefi would have been a wiser choice, and much more talented in the vocabulary section and her writing is superb, unlike mine. However, she can`t possibly compete with me in the romance and love arena --I hope. Those morning cards do still make me smile. Each morning was a project, was a constant work in progress--:)  We ran out of Elibron cards--or they just simply banned us--:) Gratefulness site was good because they changed according to the seasons. I often wonder if you think about things like this. I have to admit for a long, long time I just shook my head in disbelief at every thought about us--at how and where we got to.  All sorts of scenarios crossed my mind--form alpha to omega. I was confused, confounded and bewildered--probably bewitched as well. Well, let sleeping doggies lie.

As you said, you were debating the fact at the time, I`m talking about Stefi--Now that remark really wounded me to the core. I think that what really got me going  and started it all, and I going crazy in a way--and it landed us here. We got unravelled like a bloody spiral. Chicago wasn`t a great help either, `that what did us in`, as Eliza would have said it most eloquently. Well--all is spilt milk, ain`t it? But then I have no idea of your secret life, now--perhaps then either--do I? Though you did say that your loyalty was never divided in one of your last letters--well I hope it wasn`t then. It was never a competition between God and me, but deep down you know that,-- though  I know that, that  is the thought that you were entertaining. Our love added to the devotion to Mary-- took nothing away. My loyalty was never ever in question.

However, setting love free is one hell of a `kurva` as you would say. Unbridled passion, and that spontaneous  temperament  have always led to my demise, my fall from grace. I know that Aries, is hard for a Cancer to take, as so is for anyone. But--there is some leeway here, --water does extinguish fire though.You do have the upper hand. Also a better insight into my make-up, my pluses/ minuses,  I am sure there is a list which you could add.

This is the road we are travelling and learning trying to get balance, we are getting there, as we overcome our short comings through love, above all with the help of God. For nothing is permanent but change itself, is Red Dragon`s old refrain--Remember?  Our future I always have placed  in the hands of Mary, -- She knows that.

---As for the numerous posts,  no I haven`t been that productive, many I have had lying around on dusty shelves, hidden corners and in darkness for a while, while some are new.